“JAYCE” I shout waking myself up.  I sit up, rub my face, look around at the clock, shit the same time, every night for the past year.  I pick up the television control, switch it on, press the mute button and zombie out to some old black and white fifties movie.  Some lady is dancing around with a giant hat made up of fruit.  Normally that would of made me smile but tonight, I mean this early on a Sunday morning I’m in no mood to smile.  The boy next to me, Derek or David, stirs.  I was hoping he would wake up so I can make him go, but he just turns over, throwing his arm over grabbling for me.  I shove a pillow where I should be, he grabs hold of it and smiles, great so now a pillow can substitute my body, a bloody spongy, crappy old pillow.  That is exactly how I feel, old and crappy, and used up.  I study his face, he is pretty good looking, definitely the sort of boy I like, hair a little scruffy, a few tattoos, and probably heaps of money, which he likes to throw around.  Pfft he paid for me, not even knowing I probably would of slept with him for free, I used him for sex just like he is using me, except I got it for free, ok he might be a little stupid too.  I peel myself out of the bed, put on a t-shirt and undies, go into the kitchen, make myself a cup of tea and go and sit on my back stairs.  I watch the first of the morning birds starting to fly over, I watch the stars slowly disappear, and a golden hue creep over the sky.

I can tell by the loudness of the waves whether it is high or low tide.  But can’t see the ocean until I walk thru the bush and over the sand dune.  I should be trying to get back to sleep.  I am so tired of being me, I’m even too tired to change me.  I stand up, and head towards the water.  Watching the ocean for a little while usually makes me feel a little better, and hopefully Derek or David will wake up and leave, forget about me like they all do.  I make it to my sitting log, before sitting I stand for a second to look at the ocean.  I love the breeze that blows my hair all around, then instead of sitting on top of the log like usual I plonk down on the sand and lean against the log.  I know I’m sort of hiding incase Derek or David comes looking for me, expecting small talk, something I don’t do.  I just give them what they want with no attachment, then we both move on, that is all I’m good at.  Besides he paid me before we started, so there is no need at all the even speak to me again.  This way I will never ever get attached again. I found it best to detach from my body when I’m with them, this body, it isn’t mine for that short time, it is theres.  My body only ever came alive for one boy.  It’s been so long, he would be a grown man now but he will always be my boy, Jayce, the only boy. 

I was never just his girl but.  I was the other girl, that girl no-one knew about. Not the girl he was ‘in love’ with, just another one of his girls.  He already had a precious girl friend, someone that suited his lifestyle, someone his parents approved of.  But she wasn’t the girl he would spend hours talking to, I was.  She wasn’t the girl he would spend all night making love to, I was.  She was the girl however, that he was happy to be seen with, I wasn't.  I was his dirty little secret.  But it wasn’t dirty to me.  He was the only boy that not only got to touch this body but this soul also.  He was the only boy who would ever own my heart.  He was the only boy who was happy to just sit and watch the ocean with me, who would watch the sun sneak up with me.  He was the boy who ruined me for any other.  He got all of me, then he threw all of me away.  So after that I threw all of me away also, it was the easiest way, now I’m just numb.  And maybe just a little bit ruthless.

So here I was living in my Nan’s old beach house, the house full of happy memories, when life was easy when I was young and innocent.  I’m hiding here.   Dad and Mum think I’m attending University, getting a degree, so I don’t waste my life away like my brother had, but I’m here doing not much at all.  My parents always told me how smart I am, how beautiful I am, how talented I am, and I agree I was before.  I believed it when they told me, I believed Jayce when he told me that also.  But I know I’m only good for one thing now, Jayce ruined me for anything else good in my life.  Don’t get me wrong back then I was good at a lot of things.  I did well in school, I had a choice of Universities, I had money in the bank from working hard while going to school, I didn’t need materialistic things, I had my dancing, I had Jayce.  Then when he threw me away I become the piece of rubbish that he had made me feel like, then it just became easier to just be that.  The worst thing about it is I make more money doing this than I could ever working the nine to five grind with a University degree.  I used my smartest, my beauty and my talents, I just don’t do it the normal way.  I am truly the dirty little secret now, and I have that tattooed across my ribcage to remind me everyday.

When I get back luckily the D boy has gone.  He has left his phone number written on the back of a his business card with a $100 tip.  Stupid boy, he has to be just plain stupid to think I would contact him again.  I was his dirty little secret last night, and it can stay that way.  Hopefully he will pick some other girl up next week and forget about me, as quick as I forget about him.  Actually thinking about it I don’t even remember what he looks like.  They end up all looking the same to me.  And I suppose if they buy one of what I am each week we all end looking the same.  Oh well it is what it is.

I tidy up, grab a bite to eat then head off to my dance class in the studio above the club.  I work out until I can hardly stand.  I check my phone, silly me thinking anyone wants to contact me, only to find a missed call from my brother Jon.  He only ever contacts me when he needs money or wants to commiserate after he has had a fight with his wife, wanting a shoulder to cry on, funny how he thinks I give a shit.  While I’m getting changed my boss swings open the door making us all jump, asking us to all sit and listen.  He is big and hairy, every man who works here are all very scary looking men, but very protective of all of us.  He has a lot of time for me, almost like I’m his daughter.  His missus, Josie, is the dance teacher who also mothers me.  She gives me a lot of her time, mostly because I can dance, maybe because I always seem alone, so when he talks to us he always looks like he is just talking to me.  The other girls don’t mind because they are scared of him, but I only know him as a big gentle puppy dog, all bark but no bite.

“I apologies for the last minute notice, but I am calling in a favor for a mate and need ten of you to dance and entertain tonight for a bucks night” Frank says looking around at us then landing his eyes directly at me.  I know he is encouraging me to say yes first, so I automatically put my hand up to help out.  I don’t need the money, and quite frankly I’m stuffed but Frank’s puppy dog eyes just get me every time.  “Meika, your a life saver, about eight tonight ok, it might be a late one, so you can crash out here also if you don’t want to drive home” he says to me.  Immediately about another ten hands go up in the air.  “Thanks girls, double time pay for you all for helping out on the such short notice” he yells out.  All the girls ooh and aah, getting up and running off home to get ready.  Josie comes over to me interlocking her arm with mine. 

“Thanks for that Meik, you always help us out...” “don’t be silly Josie, I would of just sat at home eating ice-cream, so you saved a me gaining few extra pounds” I say smacking my butt as I head for the stairs.  I can hear her laughing as I make my way outside.   I sit on the stairs outside the fire exit and dial Jon back.  “Meika, how are you?” “What do you want?” “Nothing can’t a brother ring to see how his little sister is?” “What do you need?” “Just a couple of hundred, rent is due and I didn’t get many shifts this week.” “Fine, I'll transfer it when I get home on the computer.  Is everything else ok, you sound strange.” “Yeah, I just hate asking my little sister for help, that’s all...I need another job.” “I’ll ask around ok.” “Thanks Meika, I owe you.”   This was my usual conversation with my big brother.  Not as smart, or talented as me, which my Dad always made sure he knew, he had become lower class to Dad, so not necessary for his time.  But he was my brother, and the only one who ever stuck up for me, the only one who punched Jayce in the face for breaking my heart into a million pieces, so I would help him.  He knew where I worked and what I did.  He had never seen me dance, I doubt he had ever been in a strip club, and I knew the club was always looking for bar help, so tonight I would asked, and if he gets the job, then bad luck for him, he will soon see what I do.

I drive back home and rested until I had to go back to work.  Before I leave I do my usual shower and shave routine.  I wash my hair, then straightened my usual long wavy hair, tonight I decide I need a change.  I put a little heavier smokey eye make-up on, more than usual for me.  I usually stayed on the stage, but tonight we would have to work the floor, I didn’t want to be recognised.  Funny how when I sell my body I detach from it, but when I dance my mind and body become one.  I finish my face off with a heavy eye line, making me look a little oriental, especially with the dark straightened hair.  I put on my usual jeans and t-shirt, knowing all my sexy stuff is in the dressing room at the club.  When I get to the club and park a load of drunken rowdy boys are stumbling off the bus.  They all whistle and holler as I lock up my car, I take no notice, I am use to that.  I walk to the side entrance where Mick is waiting to usher me in, get changed into my usual tiny corset, my short skirt and high heels then begin my night. 

Until it is my turn to go on stage we are required to wait tables and chat to the customers.  This is where they find out how much I cost, and what I’m happy to do.  I don’t ever kiss, I don’t do weird stuff and I don’t do threesomes, I consider myself basically boring.  Some nights I set up a deal, some nights I just couldn't be bothered.  Tonight was definitely a night off for me.  The men are being typical men but not too hard to handle.  There is security keeping an eye out for us all the time.  While I’m sitting with a group of boys watching one of the other girls on stage I get asked my name.  “Meik...Meena” I accidentally say, forgetting I never use my real name.  “Can you excuse me I’m up next, thanks for the tips” I tell him as I walk away.  “You come back to us when your done ok” one of them says grabbing my hand.  “I’ll see” I answer him smiling.  I go backstage and get ready to go on stage. 

We don’t strip down to complete nudity, so usually you need about three things on to take off, usually being some sort of hat according to my outfit, a jacket, sometimes a tie, sometimes a scarf and my bra, undies stay on.  I like to use clothes that match the song I have chosen, and luckily I am fit enough to use the pole in the centre of the stage.  Tonight I have a top hat, a tailed jacket, a tie and a cute black bra and G on.  I’m using one of Rihanna’s songs ‘S&M’.  This is when I take my life a little more seriously, I’m performing and I have to be perfect. 

When the lights shine on you on stage it is easy to forget there is about a hundred men watching you.  I love dancing, it would be the same if I was in a broadway show, I wouldn't  be able to see the audience, granted I probably wouldn't be taking off my clothes but it is all theatre to me, and I enjoy it.   I have always been told I am good at it so I do it and don’t think about it.  I finish my dance, go and change to go back out to the floor.  I decide to sit back down with the group of boys I was sitting with before.  I quickly go over to them, remembering I nearly told them real name ‘Meena’ I say to myself trying not to forget.  I ask them what they want to drink, going to the bar, skulling down a water then taking their drinks back to them.   “Hey Meena, how much for a private dance? And what does your tattoo say?” one of them asks.  Knowing they he will have to get closer to me to read it I answer.  “Never you mind what my tattoo says, and no lap dances tonight, maybe one of the other girls might if you ask nicely” I answer cheekily.  “What if I want you to, I will pay triple what you usually charge, I want to get close enough to read that tattoo of yours, if you get what I mean” he says pushily.  I lean a little close to him trying to make my point above the loud music.  “I don’t care how much you offer me sweetie, this is my usual day off, I was doing the boss a favor, so he is paying me enough, I can find someone to help you but...” I say as I start to get up.

He doesn’t like my answer.  He grabs my wrist and pulls me back down on him.  Luckily Mick, one of the security guards see this and makes his way over to us.  “Any trouble here ‘M’?” he asks towering over us both reaching out to help me up.  “No...all’s good, I was just leaving” I say snatching my hand away from him.  He watches me leave snarling.  Mick follows me, while I’m rubbing my wrist.  I drag Mick backstage, give him my car keys and make him go and move my car for me.  I’ve learnt the way they think, and know he would be waiting for me after, this way he won’t find my car and give up, hopefully.  For the rest of the night I continue to mingle, I dance again, this time to a song from the 90‘s, ‘Wild Wild West’ by The Escape Club.  I’m dressed in a cowgirl hat, a little checked top and quick removal chaps...yep that is all I had on other than my G.   After everyone has left we all sit and have a drink.  

“You staying tonight Meika? I don’t want you driving all that way home” Frank asks me.  “No...I want to go home, I’ll miss the sunrise if I stay here” I say to him.  “It went well tonight...did you girls get good tips?” Franks asks around.  All the girls nod their heads, some of them itching to go, probably having some of the guys waiting for them outside.  Frank ushers them off before he turns to me. “One of the guys here tonight came directly to me and asked about you.  I didn’t tell him anything, but he was very pushy, check your not followed, will you send me a message when you get home?” he says to me.  “Yes Dad...one of them got a little fresh with me, that’s all, Mick helped out, went and moved my car for me and all” I say a bit embarrassed.  “Get Mick to walk you to your car ok, and thanks again for helping out tonight Meika, your a good girl, don’t forget that” he says walking away after squeezing my shoulder.  I pick up my bag and let Mick lead the way.  When we get outside Mick glances around before he lets me walk with him.  When I’m in the car he stands and watches me drive away.  I get home, message Frank, strip off all my clothes, shower again and go to bed exhausted.  I sleep for about an hour then as usual wake saying his name, same time, just like yesterday and the day before that.  I sit up crossed legged, switch on the television and zombie out.  This time I manage to lay back after about an hour and go back to sleep.

When I wake in the morning I’m surprised I have slept in for once.  It doesn’t make me feel much better.  I do a load of washing then go sit at my log, soaking up the sun.  This is my life then.  It isn’t going forward, it has just stopped.  I have money in the bank, I am free to do what ever I want, I have no-one telling me what or where to go, I don’t care for anyone and no-one cares for me.  I have friends, everyone at the club care for me, but if I moved on I would soon be forgotten, just like Jayce forgot about me, unforgettable is what everyone would like think they are, Jayce is one of them people, but I’m not.  I’m like the pile of paperwork every household has, shoved in a draw, out of sight, out of mind, it is pretty sad when I think about it.  I lie in sun baking my skin until the afternoon shadows creep across the sand, feeling the night chill approaching I get up, and go and get ready for another night of work like usual.

Tonights is ‘ladies night.’  This is when we have a few male strippers on so the crowd consist of mainly women.  Frank gets a lot of hens nights or coming of legal drinking age groups here on these nights.  Most times the women here are usually too busy getting pissed, busy watching the guys on stage to take any notice of me.  But sometimes I notice them checking us out, whispering to each other slyly as we walk around.  I think is normal for women to check each other out, I'll admit I often look.  All the girls that worked last night have the night off from the stage tonight but we still have to tend to the customers.  Tonight the women are just as rowdy as the boys from last night, so I have to bite my tongue a lot.  I find most girls are polite enough, with that usual one bitch in every group.  The one who just likes to make your life that little bit shittier.  The one who thinks their so much better than you.  Tonight was not going to be any different.  The group of ladies I was tending to was a pre hen night out, they told me they were practicing for the big night in a couple of days.  I smiled at the cute little girl telling me, she looked about twelve, really bubbly, not at all backwards about coming forward.  She stands beside me and was about up to my boobs in height.  She tells all the other girls to check out how tall I was, or how short she was, making them all laugh. 

After I took all their orders, she followed me over to the bar, like she was heading for the restroom.  She surprised me when she stopped at the bar with me.  “Just ignore Sylvia, she hasn’t said anything rude yet, but give her time, she can be a real bitch sometimes” she says to me.  “Which one is Sylvia?” I ask looking over at them.  “She is the one getting married with the tiara on, but she is no princess believe me” she says making a funny face.  “Oh ok, thanks for the heads up, I’m sure I’ve heard it all before, don’t worry about me, go and have a great time, we have a male stripper on soon” I say to her as I fill up my tray.  She walks off smiling back at me, like she was my new best friend.  I take the drinks over and start handing them out.  I can see Sylvia is waiting to say something but before she does I politely ask if everyone needs anything else.  Bad move as this is the moment she has been waiting for.  “Um..I do.  Do you do lap dances?” she says grinning at me.  “Sometimes I do...why? You want one sweetie” I answer giving her a my sweetest smile.  “Yuk no, I don’t want someone grinding their naked sweaty sex abused body all over me.  No...it isn’t for me...I want to pay you to do one for my fiancé, he is here on Thursday night and I want to surprise him and your just his style” she say looking serious.  "And what style would that be, dancer versus bank teller?" I say.  "Exactly, he can have the used slut grind him, which is all your good for then he can come home to cherish his princess, that would be me" she says smugly.  Oh really she has no idea.  “Sorry darling...I don’t take bookings, and besides...you probably couldn't afford me anyway” I say looking down at her.  I can hear all the girls gasping at me.  My new little friends is giggling behind her hand.  I walk away as fast as I can.  I then go backstage and what I do next felt so good.

I come back out and stand at the bar.  The stage goes dark and the music starts, already a loud bunch of women start going ballistic.  The music is turned up.  Nigel, one of the favorite strippers here at the club, struts out and starts gyrating all over the stage.  I laugh as women throw money on the stage, thrusting themselves trying to touch him.  In the end he is all sweaty with just a little bitty black G string covering his bits.  This is when the fun begins.  Instead of turning and heading off stage he jumps down of it and heads straight for Sylvia.  “I here there is a lady looking for a lap dance here?” he says in his best sultry sexy voice.  All the girls panic and point straight to Sylvia.  I can see her trying to get out of the chair to run.  But Nigel is straight on top of her straddling her, pinning her to the chair.  By now another sexy song has come on and Nigel enjoys thrusting his barely covered bulge into her perfectly made up face.  I giggle, trying to hide a little knowing Sylvia will be looking for me while the other girls all laugh out loud.  The bartenders are laughing and I can see my little friend laughing out loudly.   Sylvia is turning her head trying her hardest to not be touched.  Nigel is pelvic thrusting all over her, and afterwards he slaps a big kiss on her lips.  She is spitting trying to get rid of the boy germs, with the most distasteful look on her face.  Nigel then walks over past me, while every woman man handles him, giving me a high five, then a wink along with a very lovely smile.  I smile back at him, not realising just how good looking that boy is.  Afterwards I watch some of Sylvia’s friends trying to fix up her hair and make-up while she sits seething.

“You had nothing to do with that did you?” Franks says to me while he saddles up beside me.  “Who me? Frank, now would I have one conniving bone in my body to plan such a thing?” “I would hope so” he said walking away.  I just smile and turn to get on with my orders, enjoying the rest of the night immensely.  When my shift is finished I drive home still smiling at tonights events.  I stand in the shower letting the spray massage my shoulders.  And like usual I wake at the same time, saying the same thing, switching on the same channel, for about an hour, then falling back to sleep.  I am woken by my phone buzzing with a message, forgetting to turn it on silent last night.  Did you ask about a job? They have cut my shifts again and Sarah is panicking. J x.  Shit I forgot to asks.  I answer back straight away.  Sorry was flat out that night, will ask tonight. M x.  I have to remember to ask tonight. 

I go and shop later that day, then decide to start reading one of the many books I have accumulated over the years.  I read until the sun disappears.  Then get ready for work like usual.  I go in a bit earlier today to ask if there is any positions vacant.  Frank and Josie are in the office together.  They welcome me in.   “Hey you guys, just asking before I start if you need any extra staff...my brother...his job is cutting shifts...and he could do with a second job...this being a night job will work out for him...that’s all” I say a bit nervously.  I hated asking them, and I didn’t want them feeling obligated just because he was my brother.  “Has he done bar tending before?” Franks asks leaning back on his chair.  “Um...yeah he has done everything...besides he is a quick learner” I answer going a little red.  “Has he ever seen you dance?” Franks ask knowing perfectly well why I’m turning red.  “No...but he knows I work here, I can’t keep hiding every time someone comes in here that knows me” I answer confidently.  “Why would you hide your talent?” Josie asks.  “It’s not that, he knows I can dance, but I’m not sure if he knows I...I take my clothes off that’s all” I answer looking at them both.  “We could do with someone a couple of nights, if we make it Sunday and Wednesday, your nights off will that help?” Franks asks me smiling.  “Yeah that would really help Frank, thanks for that...your a real sweetheart” I say to him as I leave.  You can start tomorrow night and Sunday night, be there no later than 6, and don’t fuck it up ok. M x.  I get a return message straight back.  Will you be there? Who do I ask for? What will I wear? J x.  I answer back.  I won’t be there, my night off, ask for Frank and just wear normal clothes, they will have a t-shirt for you out back, good luck M x.  Then I get. Thanks lil‘ sis‘ :-)  

I have a quiet night, getting ask the usual question:- how much for a private dance...how much to take me home...how much for a whole week-end.  I felt like putting a big sticker on my chest, the place most men look at, with all the answers.  I hadn’t done a private dance for quiet a while now, I was letting the others girls earn the bucks for a while, then all the sudden I decided I actually didn’t like doing them very much anyway.  I had only sold my body a couple of times in the last month, which was a record for me.  I didn’t need the money, I usually did it when I was just horny or feeling shitty with life, almost like punishment, a reminder of who I am.