I stumbled, I fell, it hurt, but at least I tried....

As I sit aggressively throwing pebbles into the ocean I wonder, honestly why I even tried at all.  Why did I try and be a good friend?  Why did I try and be a good girl, a good daughter, I don't get any thanks for trying, all I get is a whole lot of heartache.  How many times will I do this to myself......

NOW.....

"Willow get in here I need help to clean up this mess" I hear being yelled from inside the house.  Not even walked thru the door and she is already ordering me around.  I've just walked a good five kilometres home from the ocean after I ran off heading that way this morning.  I wasn't home to make the mess but of course I'll be the one to clean it up.  I slam the screen door open just to show anyone around that I'm pissed.  One of my little cousins runs past me to escape out the door I just opened.  "Damn Willow, don't let her out, or you'll be chasing her up and down the street all afternoon" my Auntie Dee says taking a big drag from her smoke whilst sitting at the dining table.  Before I can grab her the younger sister has made a dash for the door also.  I lean down and grab this one around the waist before she gets any further.  As I lift her she swings her little legs swiping an ornament off the cabinet.  My Auntie butts out the smoke in to the ashtray, jumps out of her seat, tutts at the broken china dog smashed on the ground then makes me hand the kid over.  I turn ready to chase but not before I see my Auntie literally throwing little Annie on to the lounge, my Auntie cursing under her breathe.  "Bloody kids...why'd I even have them...I must need my head read."  I look quickly at her sad little face looking up at me, eyes welling with tears.  God that makes me so sad.  I turn and start running up the street after the other one.      

My long legs out stride Bee's.  I can't help but smile at her little legs having to do about four quick steps to my one, she is running for her life.  She glancing back at me in pure happiness, she knows the feeling.  The wind glides thru her hair, she is giggling while she runs.  It makes me smile harder.  "Can't catch me, I'm the ginger bread man" she says.  I let her think she is getting away from me until we get to the nearby park.  I grab hold of her and force her into a gentle fall into the soft green grass.  We are both gasping for air.  I look at her freckly nose and rosy cheeks.  "You little bugger, why do you always want to run away Bee?" I ask her between breathes.  Her little chest is heaving like mine.  She doesn't answer, like she is scared to tell me.  She turns and looks up to the sky.  She points at one of the clouds.  "That one looks like you."  I turn and lay on my back, holding her hand knowing perfectly well she is going to make another run for it.  "And that one looks like you" I say pointing to a big fat fluffy blob.  "No it doesn't, clouds are pretty" she says looking at me sideways.  "What do you mean? Your pretty" I say pulling a piece of wind swept hair out of her mouth.  "I'm not pretty like you Willow, your like a princess" she says to me.  "Thanks Bee, I'm far from a princess in every way.  Tell me why you keep running away?"  She rolls on to her side to face me sighing, taking a deep breathe.  She twists a bit of my hair in her fingers.  "I hate that house.  It sinks.  Mum won't let us out, not even out the backyard unless she is out there having a smoke.  I'm not even allowed to go to school.  Mum says she will teach me everything but I want to play with other kids" she says glancing over to some kids on the playground in the park.  I turn my head seeing the sadness in her beautiful face.  "Go and play for a minute then, I'll tell your mum I couldn't find you" I say helping her up.  "Thanks Willow, I love you" she says as she hugs me then runs off.  I sit up, fold my legs and watch her join in.  I really love this little one.

The sun is just setting before we make it back home.  We don't even make it to the front door before I can hear Aunt Dee yelling.  "What in the hell Willow...I was just about to ring the cops..." she says angrily.  "Sorry Auntie Dee, I couldn't find her for a little while, I didn't realise it was nearly dark..." I say.  "Go run yourself a bath Bee, I'll come in and help you in a sec, take Annie with you" I say tapping her on the bum like I'm punishing her still, pushing her down the hallway knowing perfectly well 'out of sight, out of mind.'  She smiles at me and dashes away.  I go and start helping with the dinner, which is the usual oven chips and nuggets.  My Auntie sits back at the table and lights up another smoke leaving me to continue on the dinner.  I get it all in the oven then I walk up the hallway to help the girls in the bath.  When they are all clean and in their pyjamas I share out the food and sit and supervise their dinner.  I monitor what sort of mood my Auntie is in before I speak to her.  "Auntie Dee, why don't you let the girls go to school? It would waste some of their energy, maybe then they won't try and keep running away...I think..." but I don't get to finish.  "Because they will be taught crap at school Willow, they need to learn house skills, girls don't need an education, but they will need to know how to keep house."  

I sit back and look around at the horrible dirty little shack we live in wondering what happened to her skills.  I feel a little angry.  I'm not going to be a nice girl today.  "I don't think it is fair to keep them locked up here all day.  Why don't you let me drop them off and pick them up? It won't effect you, then you can be here all day to relax and not worry about them escaping" I say knowing perfectly well that might help her decision a little.  She just wipes her face like I'm being a nuisance talking to her, and walks away.  Bee smiles at me.  Annie the younger one only by a year see's Bee smiling at me then turns and smiles also.  We all sit in silence while the girls eat, I just pick at some chips, I seem to have no appetite lately.  When they are finished I sit them either side of me and read a chapter of there current favourite book.  Their little eyes droop.  Before they are completely asleep I get them to go kiss their mum night, make sure they clean their teeth, and use the bathroom before I tuck them in.  "You really are a princess Willow" Bee says to me wrapping her arms around my neck.  "No...your my little princess Beebee...now go straight to sleep and I will try and talk to your mumma about school some more."  She just smiles at me again and turns over.  I go and hug Annie who never says much "Nighty night sweet pea" I say to her.  She just puts her tiny hand on my cheek and smiles.  So cute.

I go and sit with my Auntie Dee.  I've calmed down from my dinner outburst.  She basically hasn't moved from the same position all night.  "Can I start taking the girls to school then Aunt Dee? It won't be a hassle...I'll pick up some second hand uniforms, and I'll buy them all their pencils and stuff...please Auntie Dee, they really need to associate with other kids."  I look at her pleading.  She takes another drag of her smoke and just nods a 'yes' gesture to me.  "But if they start getting into trouble then they are straight back home...you know I can't handle that at the moment Willow" she says looking worried.  "Ok, I'll take them tomorrow, thanks" I say to her.  I shouldn't have to thank her for letting me take her kids to school.  It was rather strange, but I had learnt how to talk to her over the last year.  She has her good and bad days, apparently her mood had changed from this afternoon to just now.  I kissed her cheek and turned to go to bed.  Auntie Dee stopped me before I left.  "Willow...you have lost too much weight, you need to start looking after yourself seeing your mum isn't here anymore...I...I'm trying but some days it is so hard" she says sadly.  "I know Auntie Dee, I know it's hard...and I will try and eat more, night."    

BEFORE....

I laid in bed that night thinking about my mum, about before.  She would of been concerned that the girls weren't in school.  She had always made sure schooling was priority in my childhood.  I felt pleased with myself getting this far with Auntie Dee.  Aunt Dee wasn't a bad person but she had a few problems which she needed to work thru.  It was just a shame that two little girls were caught in the middle of it.  When she had moved in with mum and I a couple of years ago she was way worst.  My mum basically forced her to move into our house so we could try and help, at least help with the girls if nothing else.  I helped when I could but mum made sure that schooling came first with me, so I only knew the halve of what was really going on with Auntie Dee.  Then when mum's health started going down hill, I took on a lot more responsibilities.  I never let my mum know but my perfect school scores of 'A' fell away slowly.  But that wasn't important to me.  Caring for my mum was the only thing important to me.  Then when she succumbed to her illness after a short few months, I felt like I had failed her.  I fell.

Auntie Dee fell with me.  Together we didn't manage for a while there.  Days went by.  Days I've forgotten.  Then it was like a light switch turned on in Aunt Dee's head.  She packed us all up and we moved away from it all, never telling anyone, not that we had anyone to tell anyway.  She never asked if it would be ok to take me away from the only home I knew.  She didn't ask me, but I knew she cared for me.  It must of been so hard for her to be so brave, going against every fear she had to try and make it better.  So now I care for her.  At this stage of her illness she is finding it hard to leave the house.  Before she wouldn't even get out of bed, then she wouldn't leave her room, now it is just the house.  That is progress for her.  Hence the reason why the girls don't attend school.  And I do the grocery shopping.  And the banking. And look after the girls.  And try and look after myself.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  This is all the family I have.  My mum helped in any way she could...so I will also.  This is the good girl I am.

My phone buzzes with a text from my one and only friend from back home.  Hey Willy, I miss ya chicky.  You've been missing the aftermath of the big bust up between Liz and Kyle.  You still don't blame yourself do you?...honestly babe it was doomed from the start, you just made Kyle realise a little sooner than later what a terror Liz is...talk to me, JJ x.  I read it a couple of times knowing I really need to let this go and answer.  I hold the phone to my chest and look at the stars I've stuck on the ceiling of my room.  Before...Kyle had been my best friend in the world.  We had known each other since we both started school.  We were inseparable in the early years.  We would hang at school, then hang down the river on the week-ends.  Then when we went to high school, he sort of become a jock and I sort of become a dork.  I mean I couldn't help it if I was smart.  I even tried not to be smart, sometimes even holding my own hand down so I didn't answer the teachers questions in class.  It also didn't help that the teachers instantly made me the 'teachers pet' because I could answer all their questions.  I tried to fit in, I even got excited about getting a 'B' in a few of the tests, holding up my paper 'woo-hoo 'B' I'd yell, looking around at all the faces not amused by this.  I can't help the way I am.  I would see Kyle at the back of the classroom half smirk, half smile amused just a little by my stupidity.   This smile from him was all the contact we had now, just a passing smile.  I really missed his friendship.    

Lucky for a weird sort of friendship with JJ, who I met in high school and who was of all things a 'popular,' is why I only just survived high school.  She protected me from the bullies, and in turn she could brag about having a weird friend like me.  I would follow her to the house parties around the place.  She would attempt to dress me up like her but most times I felt and look just plain awkward.  I went reluctantly, I'm not sure why, probably because most times this is where I knew I would see Kyle.  JJ would mingle, I would sit and wait for her.  People must of thought we were a strange pair.  I would see her glance over to me, checking to see if I was ok, I would make a stupid face back at her.  Funny thing is without fail I would always end up talking to someone, and unfortunately for me it was always a boy.  I scared girls but intrigued boys.  I think because I wasn't like the rest of the girls I was a little mysterious, it attracted them.  Like flies to shit.  Thus I ended up with the reputation of 'easy' 'slut' or 'whore' because I was always with a different boy.  JJ would laugh.  She knew I was far from that.  She would laugh in the faces of anyone who dare call me this around her.  But I could hear the whispers.  I accepted this as just typical teenage talk but I didn't like it.  Little did anyone know that I literally sat there pining for Kyle's attention.  When I caught eyes with him he would smile the usual smile, but he never ever spoke to me.  That would of been so un-cool.  His smile had to reassure me that we were still friends, even though we hadn't spoken two words to each other for a couple of years now.  It was like he was making sure I was safe without anyone knowing.  I shook my head with the memories.  This is when I was a stupid girl.  

I climbed out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror.  I flatten my wavy long hair down a little.  I've always thought I look just average, normal.  Dark hair, blue eyes, olive skin, average nose, plumpish lips, and dimples only when I smile (which is rare these days).  I turn to look at myself sideways.  Average size boobs, no belly bulge (probably due to lack of appetite lately), not a sticky out bum and sort of longish length legs.  I don't consider myself tall, I still have to look up to most boys.  I turn back to face the mirror.  I have curves, I definitely am not a stick figure.  Really I am just 'Ms average' just a normal eighteen year old girl.   My phone buzzing again making me jump.  Willy, come on girl talk to me.  Kyle isn't angry at you...he keeps asking me if I've heard from you, like every bloody day.  Please answer me.  JJ x.  I read the message then turn my phone off.  I lay down on the bed trying not to think about then again, but it haunts me.  Luckily sleep takes over me.