"O...M...G! It's perfect, your very clever Ms Sarah McMarn" Mac says to me all excited.  She jumps up from her chair, pulling down her very short skirt, then fixing her boobs up in the even smaller bikini top she's wearing not taking her eyes off herself in the mirror in front of us.

"You'd make it as a hair-dresser you know girl, God Sar, I don't know why you want to wipe disgusting snotty nosed dribble faced kids all day when you could be designing fantastic hair do's on people your own age, who you can at least have a decent conversation with and you don't need to clean up after" she says not letting me get a word in edge ways, still talking to my reflection along side hers in the mirror.  I open my mouth to go to talk but Mac continues.

"I mean I know you love kids Sar, you always have...and I know you did all that childcare shit..I mean certificates at school, but honestly just look at my hair, its crazy good" speaking whilst turning her head left to right in the mirror showing me what I've already seen for the last hour.  I speak up a little louder than usual when I see her mouth opening to talk again. 

"All I did was weave a few daisies thru your hair, honestly one of those snotty nosed kids your complaining about, even though I haven't got a job yet to even wipe a snotty nose could've done it...besides I like kids, I don't like adults half as much, I'd much rather a conversation with a pre-schooler any day, it's heaps more interesting I reckon" I say turning to see Mac now standing with her hands on her hips.

"Shit sorry Mac...present company excluded that is" I say cutely.  She smiles.

"How much longer before we go?" I speak up quickly to change the subject leaning in to kiss her on the cheek apologising for just dissing grown ups.  She forgives me instantly, she knows how uptight and nervous I am about this afternoons outing.  It's been quite a while since I've been to a music festival, amongst crowds, maybe being recognised, having a panic attack, oh god what did I get myself into.  I sit down and take a few deep breathes, I've finally learnt to control my panic attacks.  Awful, embarrassing breathless attacks I've been having the last ten years.  Luckily people don't notice as much from when I was a kid, it was probably terrifying seeing a kid almost collapse from not being able to catch my next breath but now, now I'm older, I don't attract half as much attention somehow.

I manage to calm down, with Mac rubbing my shoulder for support.  I look at myself in the mirror, this time turning my own head, deciding to place a few of the left over daisies in the two long plaits that hang over both sides of my shoulders, nothing fancy, just putting them in so I look like the others I suppose.  Mac is standing close to mirror beside me applying even more make up to her face.  I stand fixing up my long wrap around skirt that I made for myself in the mirror.  My eyes look at the back of Mac's outfit and I'll admit it's nothing like Mac's, it's probably not like any teenagers out-fit where we're going today but still I'm quite proud of this one I've made, it fits me nicely and the colours are just gorgeous.  Then I fix up my top, another thing I made, making sure my boobs aren't too exposed, it's a sort of two knitted triangles, just sitting on each boob comfortably, but I'll admit a little more adventurous than usual for me, but Mac approved of it, so it must look ok on me.  I have a bigger bust than Mac and usually I'm not confident enough in revealing them like Mac is, but today we are pretty close in nakedness.  It cost me about $1 in wool to knit, and the skirt was made from scraps, so I haven't spent much money at all.  Mac has a whole new designer brand out-fit on, she's a little spoilt but never acts suck up, and I would never make her feel bad about what I think.  Besides that, she would let me borrow anything I wanted, but I've just never really liked designer clothes that's all.  She stands back and slings her arm over my shoulders.  My eyes travel down, and I decide with those new boots on, her legs do look long and gorgeous but mine are still longer.  Then I look at my shoes.  I have old converses on, my favourite pair of walking shoes, even they have a patched up bit where they were worn out.  Mac turns and I can feel her looking at the side of my head.  

"I didn't know what else to buy you for your 18th birthday Sar, a music festival ticket just seemed obvious, like, come on, we're old enough to go now and I wanted to be the one, the one just incase, the one to be there for you, I'm sorry for pushing you into something you get upset about."  I smile at her sincerity.

"It's okay MacKenzie, I suppose I have to face the past one day, and who better than do it with than my bestie" I say hugging her so she doesn't feel guilty about pushing me.  Her phone chimes, she reads it over my shoulder still in the hug.

"Lets go then women, Jane's just pulling up" she says smacking my butt as she picks up her bag and runs out the room.  I pick up my bag and my hat.  Of course a hat once again not being awfully trendy but I've enough freckles across my nose and cheeks to avoid the sun at all cost.  It isn't about style with me rather than comfort, and the fear of more freckles.  I smile at my thoughts as I watch Mac walking ahead of me, one hand pulling down her skirt and the other fixing up her boob as she heads for the car.  I follow her, climbing in the car, with both Jane and Sharni looking over their shoulders to say Hi and probably checking out how odd I look compared to Mac.  I've never met these girls, they're Mac's friends from University, so this is all new for me.  I notice they're both also in designer out-fits as well, making me feel a little out of place but I haven't had to fix my boobs or pulled at my skirt once, comfort not style I chant to myself.  I stay quiet while they all chat about who they want to see, with the final conclusion being that we all have to endure at least one favourite band of each others during the night, and that we should stick together, it's probably best staying in a group.  I'm not sure what music I'm going to have to listen to today but I've decided to go with an open mind.  I hope and prey the girls don't like anything that sounds anything like my mums sort of music.  I've tried to avoid listening, or even liking any sort of music that connects with her.  I figured if I don't listen or like that music my chances of anyone connecting me to her is less, but I know this is silly.  It's been a lot of years she left me, us, Dad and I so I'm pretty sure no-one will connect me with her.  By the time I've thought about this we are parking and ready to walk the distance to the entry.  Mac gets out of the car, linking her arm with mine, literally dragging me along with her.  

When we get thru the que, having our wristbands attached, we all stand looking at the map working out a meeting point incase we're separated, and working out who is performing first ready to head that way.  Before we head towards Jane's favourite band who are on soon Jane and Sharni want to grab a bottle of water first, so Mac and I are made to stand and wait in this spot.  I take a deep breathe, looking around nervously but keeping a false smile on my face for Mac.  Your ok Sarah, your ok I think to myself.  But the smells, the food stands, the atmosphere, even the dry dusty ground reminds me of my childhood, how come it hasn't changed, not one bit.  I try to stop my eyes from roving around frantically, breathe...in...out...breathe I say as I try to slow my heart from speeding up, staying calm before the next stage in my panic attacks happens, when I break out in a sweat.  Mac can read me like a book now, so I need to control myself, but I know my usual calm self is feeling fidgety.  The festival isn't that busy yet thank god.  I move my eyes from the ground bravely to try and look as normal as possible.  But that's when I notice them.  Them being a group of four leather clad rocker looking boys walking past us.  Without even thinking about it I lower my head so my hat is hiding most of my face, but Mac says something to me making me face her looking like I actually listened to her but actually not hearing a word she said.

"Sorry, I spaced out there for a second, what did you say" I ask her trying to avoid everything around me especially the boys that just walked past.  I mean honestly you could feel the raw energy coming off them even from here.  Now I know my face isn't pale from lack of blood but flushing from too much blood rushing up to my head.  Then my stupid eyes have a mind of their own.  Bugger I can't control my eyes, with them instantly locking onto the boys again, I was hoping they had passed by but they've stopped talking to a gaggle of girls.  This is my past, not necessarily them, but that look, the one I've tried to avoid, the ones that look like my mums old band members, the one's that look like bad news, no the ones that are bad news.  I try to look like I'm cool about them within the twenty foot vicinity from me but Mac can see I'm having a moment.  She instantly looks around suddenly noticing what I've seen, noticing which is even worst that one of them is looking straight at me.  She moves in front of me to hide me from his glare, then I feel her hand stroking my arm gently.  Then she bends her head under my hat, coaxing me to make eye contact with her, allowing me to divert my eyes and thoughts to her.  I shouldn't be worried he might  recognise me, I'm being stupid I know, he would be way too young to know me.  When I snap out of my daze I finally hear her.

"Did you like what you see babe" Mac says to me cheekily, smiling big.  I shake my head quickly with a 'no' nod, not able to open my mouth.  "Breathe honey" she says.  I take a breathe, then manage to answer her with a slightly positive attitude.

"What? I wasn't looking at anything specifically, especially not some not looking leather clad rocker bad boys.  Where are we going first?" making her smile.   She turns watching them walking away.  Yes she is actually watching there butts as they saunter away.  Shit so am I.

"Whoo, did you see them nice butts.  Wait.  Did you see who that was.  O...M...G. and I didn't even get a smile like you did" she says enthusiastically but I look the other way, my cheeks giving it away.  She interlocks her arm in my arm, her contagious giggle making me smile.

"You were perving just like me, see we aren't that different" she says after her giggle fit, pulling me the other way.  She has become very good at diverting my little panic attacks over the years, I've missed her this year now she's moved away.  Jane and Sharni quickly join us and we head off excitedly.  Before I know it we're at the first stage, poised ready to see Jane's choice.  I'm relieved the crowd isn't too bad.  I can actually see the boy performers, being slightly taller than the others.  Four young boys start to dance and sing across the stage.  Their sort of cute, not my choice but cute just the same.  And luckily they don't sound too bad, just simple pop music.  The girls have found a spot, throwing their bags on the ground then have already started dancing forming a little circle around our stuff, so I join in.  I listen to the beat, take a few deep breathes, allow myself to zone out of all my worries for a little while, finally enjoying myself.  

After about forty five minutes of dancing around in the sun we are all pooped.  Mac's face is red and starting to burn.  I take off my hat, pour some water on it, saturating it then make her put it on.  Then I undo one of the many layers of material that's included in the wrap of my skirt, it looks similar to a scarf, I wet it and hang it over my head, cooling me down instantly.  Mac smiles at me, glad for the relief, and happy I'm very resourceful.

"I didn't realise just how cool you were" Jane says to me before she takes a big gulp of water before she cups her hand, pours some water in and splashes it around her neck desperate for something cool.

"What do you mean?" I ask her.  She finishes another mouthful, wiping her mouth before she answers.

"Just your gorgeous hippie aura, people can't help look at you, and it's so natural for you.  People pay lots of money to have your style, I'm jelly" she says gently tapping my shoulder before she walks towards the next stage.  I shrug my shoulders at Mac not understanding what she just said.  Mac just smiles and drags me along to the next band.  I think about what she said and can't help but look around to see if anyone is seriously looking at me, hoping that isn't true.  People are looking at us, but what group of girls doesn't get looked at especially amongst this young crowd.  

"Come on Sar, your gunna love this next band" Mac says excitedly to me.

The next band is Mac's favourite, and looking at the crowd everyone's favourite.  Luckily the girls don't really care to get up front so we stand way back.  I can't see the guys on stage at all, the big screen is hard to see also with the angel of the sun.  Mac doesn't care about seeing them so much as just enjoying their music, she told me she can always perv on them on the internet.  I listen to them for a little while but soon get grooving with the girls again.  Their music is a bit heavier, more rock, but I can hear they've added some techno into it, they also have a girl back-up singer.  They sound like a group that's played together for a while, probably older and not as cute as the boys before.  I didn't realise Mac was such a fan, which makes me a bad friend, so I concentrate on dancing with her, which she enjoys.  We dance for a solid hour while the band played then we literally sit on the dusty ground where we are.  The sun is starting to set, making me think this will be a welcomed relief.  When the band finishes, leave the stage, the crowd go ballistic for more, so they return for an encore making us get up, clapping along  just enjoying their last few songs rather than dance again.  When they're finished we all clap and cheer.  I really enjoyed this set, I'm enjoying the atmosphere, I'm finally enjoying myself.

"Good choice Mac" I say feeling way more relaxed than earlier today.  

"I know there great aren't they, and all hunks, I'm pretty sure I saw them walking past us today but I didn't want to freak you out and start stalking them, besides I'm too classy to be a groupie" she says smiling cheekily.  

"Oh do you reckon that was them today?  I'm surprised they walked around in their rock out-fits, most of these guys just look like normal boys when they are in jeans and t-shirt, I know my mum use to fit right in to crowds when she wasn't dressed for her performance" I say to her, surprising her with the info.  I very rarely mention my mum, surprising her too. I continue thinking about the past but not talking aloud about it.  Back then when we were all backstage no-one cared what anyone else did.  Back then, backstage was when the partying got heavy.  I don't doubt alcohol and drugs were prominent, I never noticed groupies but I'm pretty sure even back then it's no different from now.  That was when my Dad would take me home, leaving my mum.  I'm convince with my mum not wanting to leave that this was the reason my mum and dad's marriage ended.  Probably that and the incident when I was about nine years old.  I snap myself out of the thought, I don't want to think about it, not today.

*

While the festival wasn't too crowded, and being smaller than the usual ones we play at we decided to have a walk around.  At what I'm not sure, all  festivals are the same.  Same eating fenders, same sort of crowd, same set ups, same dusty ground.  Admittedly we've never played at this one, and being away from the city, I expect it to be a bit more cruisie, maybe a little more hippie, casual I suppose so hopefully we don't get mobbed like usual.  We were also dressed ready to go on stage, and weren't about to get changed so hopefully we won't get noticed by too many girls.  Besides it was go for a walk or start drinking, and from the last few months on the road, drinking was taking it's toll especially on me, so going for a walk sounded good.  The boys would stop, flirt, chat up, get names and numbers, make sure they would have someone to keep them company later on but I wasn't that interested in chatting to anyone, actually being rather rude to girls who recognised me, leaving them to the other guys in the band.  Being the lead singer, the front man, I seem to attract the majority of girls, but today I just couldn't be bothered chatting.  I stood back with my hands in my pocket, glancing over the hoards of scantly dressed girls who were desperately hoping to catch my eye.  Honestly I'm starting to worry when neither alcohol or women makes me excited anymore, maybe I'm too old for this shit.  

We had just stopped again for about the twentieth time, with me getting rather irritated, the guys already talking to a group of giggling girls when my eyes found her.  Then my eyes glue themselves to the beautiful illusion in front of me.  I turn my head slightly trying to focus better, just incase I'm imagining what I'm actually seeing.  This girl was so beautiful.  She had such a peaceful aura surrounding her.  She didn't look anything like the friend, she didn't look like anyone else in this whole place.  No designer out-fit, no fake disguise, just natural, so pure, then suddenly when we made eye contact my heart missed a beat.  But why did this girl looked so troubled, so vulnerable, so precious.  I watched as her eyes moved around nervously, she was feeling so insecure about being here.  Her skin was flushed, maybe with anxiety, maybe the heat but god she made stand to attention.  I stood, oblivious to anything happening around me, my eyes never leaving her.  Why did she look so troubled? I wanted to look around to see if some one was hassling her but I couldn't make my eyes leave her.  I mean why did she feel like this?  Why did she look so comfortable in her own skin, just uncomfortable about people around her.  Then she looks up and catches eyes with me, melting me, making me want to worship the ground she stood on.  Gorgeous green eyes look back at me, a splattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks, a perfect shape nose and the sweetest, kissable lush lips.  My eyes travel down her body.  Her long hair hung down over her absolutely perfect boobs, making me instantly horny.  God bless that little knitted top revealing that perfection, then further down a taut thin stomach, with a belly piercing.  Hanging on her hips was a colourful skirt that wrapped around, God I wanted to see below it so badly.  Her skin was shimmering all pure and olive in colour.  My dream girl had been found.  

The boys finished their little flirt fest, shoving me along, oblivious to the vision before me.  I reluctantly past by her, the instant pull of attraction so powerful, even being twenty feet away from her.  Unable to both walk and stare I had to glance down to watch where I was walking, making me lose eye contact with her.  When I looked back her friend was blocking my view, but I kept looking, noticing her friend had made her smile.  When I spotted that smile, her whole face lighting up, I knew I had to meet this girl, if only to talk to her just once.  This was the first time in a long time my heart felt excited about something.  I could go on with just one time with this girl.   

After a full afternoon of dancing in the sun we're all ready for food and a rest.  We found a tent with a few tables and chairs that served a variety of food, allowing us to cool down and talk about the last few hours.  The girls were chatting away and for once, in a long time I actually felt like a normal teenage girl.  We all sat, eating and happy to sit and people watch as the crowds sauntered past.  I think the girls were looking out for a glimpse at one of their rock idols, but I wasn't looking for any such thing.  I was enjoying seeing all ages of people who enjoy music, old, young, middled aged, rich, poor but all happy, everyone having the same interest in music.  A family walk past reminding me of my life, Mum, Dad and I walking around between performances, this is what we must of looked once many years ago, I smiled at the thought.  Even bringing a slight tear to my eye for the memory.  I swing around to listen to the current conversation amongst the girls enjoying the bantering, ready to join in when I hear my name.

"SARAH?" a hear a mans voice say loudly.  I look around trying to see if it was meant for me, maybe it was a dad calling for his daughter, or did I just imagined it.

"SARAH?" I hear again closer this time, still loud but.  My heart starts beating fast.  Please don't be the Sarah, please don't be the Sarah I think.  Mac grabs my hand for support, shit I'm the Sarah, she had already worked out it was me he was calling.  The other girls eyes grow large looking at the man approaching me from behind.  He pulls up the chair beside me, glancing over at the surprised faces looking back at him, nodding his head in the 'hi' gesture.

"Are you Sarah, little Sarah, Annabelle Howard's daughter?" he says to the side of my head.   I reluctantly turn to look at a long bearded, hairy man in his fifties sitting beside me.  I'm not sure whether to tell him the truth or lie, knowing I could easily make him go with the lie.  I don't answer at first, slightly embarrassed as everyone looks at me to answer.  Mac's mouth has fallen open whilst she stays still sitting the other side of me.  I feel her hand squeezing mine for reassurance.  

"Um...yeah that's my mum's name, but I don't know her anymore, and I don't know who you are?" I answer him politely, looking at him very cautiously.  He leans back on the chair away from me obviously realising his largeness is probably over-bearing me.  The girls all lean in closer, a bit of gossip maybe.  Maybe to support me, I'm not sure.

"Don't you remember me? I'm Bill.  I use to play the drums for your mum when she had the band.  I remember you, cutest little girl in the world running around backstage, you haven't changed one bit."  I smile and nod 'no' curling my lips a little, so he knows I don't know him and I don't remember and can he please leave.  But I can't be rude and I should really answer him, he doesn't seem like a bad man.  

"I don't remember...and...and I think I might of changed just a little, I'm really amazed you recognised me.  I've sort of tried to block a lot of things from my childhood I'm sorry Bill I don't remember you" I say smiling at him but feeling nervous.  I look behind him, half expecting my mum to appear.  He rubs his beard, like this is his thinking habit, his mouth turning down looking a little upset.  Then he leans even closer to me.

"She did a real number on you didn't she little one? Is there anything I can do?" he offers.  Yeah, too late Bill.  I shake my head in the 'no' gesture again, like it doesn't really matter anymore, I can feel my eyes welling, it makes me feel like that little girl again.  I try to stop any hint of sadness, knowing crying would just make me look so weak.  But I really wonder what he means.

"Not really, she hasn't been in my life for a long time now, but thanks for offering, I still have my Dad you know" I say bravely and hoping I've changed the subject, and wondering if he's thinking maybe I was abandoned or something.

"Your dad was the good pick of the bunch, I'm happy for you, you've grown up to be a beautiful woman."  He picks up my hand and kisses it turns to the girls giving them all a smile, then he turns and walks away.  

I take a breathe, then look at the other three set of wide eyes glaring at me.  I want to stop him and ask if he knows where my mum is, but I'm sort of frozen.  I quickly pick up one of Mac's chips putting it in my mouth trying to avoid any conversation.

"Well that was weird" Mac says breaking the silence.  The other two girls take a drink simultaneously avoid asking questions but the air just got a little thicker.  I give her the 'no questions' pleading look, so no-one says anything else.  After we've finished, I check the time on my phone noticing it's another hour until the next band is on so the girls suggest we look thru the markets but I want to see if I can see Bill again, or at least anyone I may recognise lingering around.  Meeting him has suddenly made me feel I really need to sort this mess out in my head.  He had recognised me, but I mean I was pretty young, I doubt very much if anyone else will but I need to ask, this is the closest I'll ever be to finding out about my mum.  

"Listen, how about you all meet me back here in forty five minutes" I say before we get up from the table.

"I might just see if I can catch Bill, I have a few questions I need answering."  They all shake their heads, sort of realising that was a pretty intense little meeting that just happened.  Mac reluctantly goes along with them leaving me, she understands that I need to do this, besides it will be easier talking someone into just letting just one person in unauthorised back stage areas than all of us.  She hugs me and lets me go.  I'm by myself and sort of grateful I don't have to explain my actions.  I take a breathe, psychic myself up and leave them, unsure of what I will ask Bill if I ever find him.  

I hesitantly walk towards the area where I know most of the artists are partying.  Backstage, all that seems the only memories I have from my early childhood, it almost feel familiar, like home.  I felt safe behind the fence, and contrary to working out now that most of the people behind this fence were probably drunk or high, they always seem to look after the kids, like we were all their family.  Just thinking about how that deranged fan of my mum grabbed me from behind the fenced area back then, I strain to remember, but I just can't remember anything before or after, it's something I've blocked out of my memory.  I stop, lean against the fence, checking out just how many guards I'm going to have to sweet talk.  I don't remember their ever being this many guards, maybe security wasn't as important all those years ago, maybe I even wandered away from the security of backstage.  I just can't remember.  My heart is beating fast, probably from just thinking that hard about it.  I look up to see how hard it would be to climb.  The fencing is high with a barb wire running around the top. I feel like I'm the deranged fan now.  I look back over at the queue of skanky girls waiting at the gate.

"Reckon you'll get in?" I hear a deep voice talking close to my ear, making me looking around quickly.  I didn't even realise he had approached me, just great I think to myself, my Dad would be freaking out knowing I'm standing around here.  I don't make eye contact, but already decide that whoever is talking to me has a very nice voice.

"Maybe" I answer him looking back over at the security guards hoping he will just leave me alone.

"I like your style" he says.  Does he mean my clothes or that I look like I'm about to make a run for the gate, hoping to out-run the security guards.  I decide it means my clothes as I look down at my dusty old converses, my hand holding my skirt up a little, making me smile.  My eyes switch over to what his shoes look like instantly noticing his are expensive boots and that they are crossed casually. My eyes move up.  His jeans are torn but not the cheap torn ones I wear, the designer torn ones that cost a lot.  I don't linger there long so he doesn't think I'm wondering whats the other side of the zipper.  I lift my head noticing a tight black t-shirt, his arms look thick like he works out, but they are crossed so he could be pushing them forward to look bigger.  My eyes slowly and finally make my way to his.  

"Like what you see?" he asks me cockily, with the biggest grin I've ever seen, two dimples either side, god he's gorgeous.  And I've seen him before.  

"Just checking out your style, seeing you noticed mine" I say lifting my chin a bit trying to sound like a smart-arse.  I don't make very long eye contact with him before I turn hearing girly giggles, seeing a couple of slutty looking girls getting past the security guard.  I look back down at my own clothes, comparing myself to them.

"You don't look like a groupie...but you really look like you want to get back stage, want to share?"

"Not really, you know just curious" I say lifting my shoulders, I'm not very good at lying, and he knows it.  He lifts his eyes, waiting, expecting me to tell him the truth without him even asking me.

"Okay, the truth is I thought I saw someone I knew before...just keeping an eye out to see if it was him, that's all" I say.  I push off the fence I've been leaning on, pull the scarf that is now dry back around my head and start to walk away.

"Wait.  What's the rush? Tell me who you wanted to catch up with behind the fence or at least tell me your name" I hear before I feel the heat of his body behind me.  I turn around the brightness of the lights behind the stages nearly blinding me now I'm away from the shadow of the fence.

"Why?  Do you know people backstage?"

"Um...no just curious that's all."

"I have friends waiting" I say walking away.

"Let me walk with you then" he says.  I don't answer him, I just walk.

"My name's Jet, nice to meet you..." he says holding out his hand while we keep walking.  He isn't going to leave me alone.

"Sarah" I answer him stopping and holding out my hand.  My small hand falls into his.  I look up into his eyes, I'm not really tall probably taller than the average height for a girl, but this boy, or should I say man is taller than me.  His hand tightens not letting mine go, almost pulling me towards him.  I can see his eyes change colour slightly.  Then I feel something I've never felt before.  It was like a spark ignited, it didn't hurt but I wasn't use to it, I look away at the same time pulling my hand away dramatically.  He is just smiling down at me.  I look back up at him giving him a dirty look but god his face, his face is perfect.  His blue eyes sparkle even in the dark.  His black hair falls in a sort of shaggy layered style, he is the epitome of a cool dude.  One of which I should probably be avoiding.  I feel rude snatching my hand back so aggressively, that's not like me, so I decide to keep the conversation going.   I keep walking while I talk. 

"Jet was it, what's that short for then" I ask him trying to avoid talking about what I know we both just felt.

"Jethro" he answers me.  I've walked the long way around only because if I get back too early I'll have to stand with him, this way at least walking I don't have to give him eye contact.

"Where are you from Sarah?"

"Um...in the little town just across the river that way" I say swinging my hand precariously northwards.

"So am I" he says.

"You are not.  I know everyone in our town, how come I've never seen you?"  Still avoiding his eyes.

"I just move there.  I bought the gym, I live above it."  This makes me stop.  I look up at him this time.

"Really? I applied for a job in the creche there last week."

"Really? I haven't even looked at the applicants.  I won't need to now, consider this the interview, the jobs yours."

"You can't just give me a job because you just met me here at a festival creeping around backstage.  You don't even know my credentials, I could be a...I don't know a child abuser for all you know."

"If you were a child abuser, seriously would you put that down in your resume?  How do I know any of the applicants aren't child abusers, I've met you and can tell you clearly aren't one, so you have the job.  Besides I saw you earlier in the daylight, you definitely don't look like anyone that would harm a flea let alone a child."  That shuts me up.  What a stupid example, I'm not thinking straight, he's making me not think straight.  I look back up at him.  I put my hand out to him to shake on the deal.

"OK, thanks for that, I'll see you Monday then, Boss" I say grabbing my hand away, turning a corner and running from him.  

I hide in amongst the market stalls, hoping he doesn't find me again.  I can see him but he can't see me.  He looks around for me, making me feel bad but that was enough talking to a strange boy for me tonight.  I watch him give up looking for me before I end up finding the girls, all of them curious about where I've been but none of them pushing me.  We end up seeing Sharni's favourite band, which end up a little bit too heavy rock for my taste, then they all have to endure my choice in the ambience tent, listening to a very talented acoustic guitar player whilst sitting on bean bags, funny enough the girls really enjoying themselves.  We listen to another few bands and continue well into the early morning, having a great time.  We all walk back to the car tired but having no regrets about the day at all except Mac complaining that she didn't get to see those leather cladded men again.  I don't tell Mac that I ended up meeting one of them tonight.  I just didn't know how to explain to her about the funny feeling I had when he held my hand.  Hopefully it will pass and I won't have those feelings again on Monday when I have to face him again.

*

I seriously wanted to see this girl again, but we were playing soon, so I crankily move on with the boys.  I didn't understand the urge I felt, being drawn to her, I had an uncontrollable need to know her.  During our set, up on the stage, above the crowd, in the perfect position to scan the crowd, and not even noticing any woman, even when their boobs were getting flashed my way, and not successfully spotting her I still wasn't going to give her up.  I was on such a high knowing she was somewhere here, I felt excited about the thrill of finding her, catching her, making her mine, and you could tell in my performance on stage, I was unstoppable which made our manager who was standing with his arms crossed side-stage.  But it wasn't him I was singing for, it was for her somewhere out in front of me in the crowd.  After performing for an hour then doing a encore we had something to eat, then once again a barrage of women were at our beck and call.  The guys wanted to hang and drink besides other things backstage, but I didn't need to drink, I needed to stay focused and I definitely wasn't interested in any girls around here, so I left ready to scow the festival for her.  Our manager didn't like this idea, always telling us to stay in a group, most times not even letting us outside the safety of backstage, but tonight I wasn't going to be told.  

I showered and changed clothes, jeans and t-shirt, looking like everyone else, hoping to blend in with the crowd before I ventured out.  I tucked my backstage pass under my shirt, before I took a deep breathe and ventured out.  I wasn't nervous, it was just we were getting popular and walking around in the general public was something we hadn't done individually for quite a while now, which I might add I hated.  I stood looking to my left then to the right, not sure about which way to head but didn't even make it ten feet before I spotted my girl leaning up against the fence inconspicuously checking out the backstage entry.  I stopped, froze, she was looking this way but didn't even see me, I could tell she was looking for someone, I hoped and preyed it was me but she didn't even notice me, not even when I walked right up to her, and leant up against the fence.  I stood there watching her, I wanted to get closer but she was oblivious to me and I didn't want to freak her out.  She looked behind her at the fence making me smile just knowing she was figuring out if she could climb.  Who was this girl? She wasn't just some groupie trying to meet her favourite rock star, she definitely had a serious reason to be hanging here all by herself.  I was so curious to know her story.  And I wasn't going to allow her any more time alone.  So I stood beside her, cough a little so she knew someone was there.  Finally I get to speak to her.  

"I like your style" I say wondering if I'll regret this as my opening line to her.  I needed to keep it cool, not frighten her away.  She doesn't answer, lowering her head then checks me out head to toe.  Yes! I say to myself, I had successfully played it cool, yay me even though I was itching to touch her.  When her eyes finally meet mine I talk to her "Like what you see?" instantly regretting saying it.  She doesn't shy away with her answer.  She isn't like any girl I've ever met.  She has a bit of sass, she doesn't know who I am so is definitely not a groupie.   I can pick up anyone I want, any time, with no effort at all, this girl was going to make me work for it, and she was going to make it well worth the work.  This not only excited me, thrilled me, shook my nerves even, but made me feel alive.  We walked together, her a little ahead of me, me following like a little faithful puppy dog behind.  She wasn't shy, but more reserved and cautious of me.  I hated loosing eye contact when we walked.  When I introduced myself, gentlemanly which is unusual for me I held out my hand.  She stopped...Then this moment, this very second, her hand in mine, I knew I was hooked on this girl, that she was mine, not just the small warm hand tucked in mine, all of her.  My heart jolted.  I squeezed her hand and pulled her towards me slightly.  Any other girl would've thrown themselves into my arms but she kept her footing.  The blood rushed thru my veins, everything came alive.  Reluctantly we walk and chatted some more, if I had my way I would've pulled her into some dark nook and shown her exactly how I felt, but she was different, I suddenly felt respect for her, softness, patient, all the things I had forgotten about a long time ago.  

I surprised myself.  I wanted to know where she lived, I wanted to know everything about her.  When she stopped, the lights making her green eyes even greener and told me about applying for the job at the gym I nearly died.  I couldn't believe it, then with me not acting like a grown man rather than a desperate little boy wanting his candy giving her the job there and then, I couldn't understand what she was doing to me.  Then she ran away from me.  She actually ran and hide.  I went back to the boys so excited about the last hour of my life and meeting Sarah but they were already wrapped up in their own entertainment for the night, so I caught a cab home.  I preyed the rest of the week-end went by in a hurry because not only had I met the one, but she was going to be working here, with me, and my life suddenly felt like it couldn't get any better.  And her name, her name was Sarah.... my sweet Sarah. 

Monday morning I'm nervous and I don't even have any idea what time I'm suppose to start so I get to the gym around 8.  I had applied to every job that involved children in this little town, and seeing I had completed my Certificate in Child Care in school I thought I might as well see if this is what I truly wanted to do.  I mean I knew I wanted to work with kids but wasn't sure in which field exactly.  This was my chance to see if I really was as crazy as Mac thinks I am.  I walk to work still very unsure about this.  I stand and look at the front door before I get the courage to knock.  I try and open it before I tap lightly on the glass door, then stand back waiting for someone to hear me.  I look up when I hear the window above my head open, and am shocked to see one half dressed naked wet body leaning out to greet me.  I need to catch my breathe.  

"I'll just buzz you in, come up" Jet says casually leaning out without a care in the world that he was naked.  

My heart starts beating fast with just the thought of facing this man shirtless let alone just showered.  Before I can answer him that I'm not going up to his place, it's just not going to happen, that's there no way I'm going up there, the door is flicked open.  I enter cautiously, looking around preying he hasn't come down naked, please don't make me face him like that I say to myself, my eyes quickly spotting what looks like a kids room, I quickly head that way relieved.  I throw my bag on the table, anxious to look enthusiastic and dedicated to the job and not wanting to see any naked man this morning again, especially not only because he's my boss but what he does to me inside.  I turn looking for the light switch so I can check out my space.  I can't find it so I head towards the windows, reaching up to fling open the curtains instantly getting a funny tingly feeling, making me turn to look behind me.  

"Why didn't you come up?" I hear a deep voice say to me.  I turn to see Jet in just his jeans standing in the door way.  I catch my breathe at the sight.  And he knows it.

"Um...coz...I...I'm not going up to some strangers place, I've come here to work, so I'll stay here where I'm suppose to be."

"I'm not a stranger.  It's early, your too early, come have a cuppa tea with me."  I stand thinking about it.  I didn't notice that the creche opened at 9, I should've checked yesterday saves this hassle.

"Where is this tea drinking taking place?" I say before I move.

"Upstairs in my kitchen" he says smirking at me.  I walk past him heading, giving a smirk back, before I walk fast towards the stairs, bravely I might add, but nervous as hell.

I walk up the stairs quickly, stopping at the door and standing back for him to open it.  This place is huge.  It has high ceilings like it use to be some sort of storage room or dance studio even.  The lounge-room has various odd couches randomly placed.  I spot the kitchen, heading that way nervously, sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar, and hoping my heart slows down before I have a panic attack.  He goes into the kitchen preparing the tea he promised me.  I look around trying not to be too nosy but trying to keep my eyes off him.  He has his back to me thank god, I don't need to be looking at that six pack of his.  But those broad shoulders and perfect backside isn't helping either.  Think of something to say Sarah quick.  

"Nice big place you have here, is it only you living here?" I say trying to make polite conversation, knowing that sounded so dorky.

"No, there are four of us.  Me, my brother Jon, K and N, which is short for Kenneth and Nathaniel, who are twins and very hard to know who's who, you'll soon see."  I just shake my head acknowledging him.  He puts a mug of black tea in front of me, then the milk and sugar.    

"So you all own the gym?" I say as I make my cup white and sweet.  He watches me putting my sugar in, looking at his toned body, probably a sugar nazi.

"Yes, sort of a tax dodge, but a nice place to settle I'm realising" lifting his eyebrows at me, flexing his muscles just a little.  I flush, he's flirting with me and he shouldn't be, after all he is my boss.

"Where do you live exactly Sarah?" he asks me in his deep soothing voice making me stop my dirty thoughts.

"Um...out of town a little, our house backs on to the national park, my Dad is the ranger, so he keeps an eye on things...you know like people starting fires, or cutting down trees and stuff."

"Cool...must be nice and peaceful out there."

"Yeah definitely if you like peace and quiet, which I do, so yeah it's good" I ramble on.  He sits next to me, he should of sat opposite because I'm suddenly feeling a little nervous again.  His legs are spread either side of my stool.  I try not to look at him.  I take a sip of tea, trying to avoid this body so close to mine. In the corner of my eye I see his hand as it comes up and tucks a little bit of my hair thats fallen out of my loose ponytail behind my ear gently.  I still don't look at him. 

"Why do you want peace and quiet, have you had a hectic life young one?" he says almost sarcastically.  I pull my head away from his hand, smiling at how he sounded like a character out of a movie.  I turn to face him. 

"You'll never know.  Besides your not much older than me...old one" I say sarcastically back to him.

"I bet I'm at least five years older than you" he says challenging me, sitting away from a little.

"Not fair.  You already know my age because I wrote it in my resume."  

"I didn't read your resume to know your younger than me."

"How old are you then?" I ask feeling really rude smiling at him.

"I told you, I'm over five years older than you, too old and that's a fact" he says getting up and walking down the hallway almost angrily.  Now I feel bad about asking him the age question, but he started it.  

I'm surprised at his sudden outburst but.  I gulp the last of my tea, go into the kitchen and rinse my cup out.  I leave his sitting on the counter.  That was a rotten start to getting to know him as my boss, now I feel like I've crossed the employee line.  I question whether I should try and find him, then guessing it would be awkward, I just leave and go back down stairs.  I set up the creche and at 9 o'clock the first of my child-minding babies is handed to me.  Then another four so I'm busy in the creche while their mums are bobbing around along with loud music doing some sort of aerobics out on the mats.  I don't get a chance to spot Jet again.  I can see some offices over the other side of the room and work out that he might be in there but I don't bother saying good-bye when my home-time comes around.  This job suits me perfectly.  Four hours a day, enough time to go home and fill the rest of my day, never wasting a minute.  The rest of the week I get to work with just enough time to set up, with no time spare to have tea with my boss again.  And besides I don't get invited again.

*

I did check her age on her resume.  She is just eighteen, compared to my twenty four, but I couldn't resist talking to her before work.  I'm am too old for her and I'm pissed off about it.  After Monday morning, I'm cranky for the rest of the week, successfully avoiding her, until the guys can't stand it anymore.  They sit me down after we had finished practice on Thursday night, shove a beer in my hand to discuss my problem.  It wasn't like them to want to discuss my business, they have learnt to leave me alone when I'm like this so I'm sort of feeling awkward about the intervention happening.  "Listen Jet, I don't see a problem man, she isn't some silly eighteen year old, she is really mature for her age" Jon says sympathetically.  "Yeah man, love has no age limit" K chips in.  "Does she think your too old?" N asks me.  I hadn't talk to her all week, total avoidance my forte.  I look around at all their concerned faces wondering what in the hell is going on.  I'm usually known as the angry boy in the band, the one who doesn't talk about his feelings, probably why I can sing them. "I haven't spoken to her again.  But I just know she's it, you know.  I've never felt this with anyone, just one hand shake and I knew" I say not believing I just told them that.  "Shit bro, I could write a song with just those words man" K says to me laughing, writing it down on paper.  I finish the beer I have in my hand, crush the can and throw it in the recycle bin and go to bed, confused and frustrated. I had to endure watching her behind the glass all week.  A baby was always clung to her hip, the kids surrounded her, even they wanted her attention.  And I wanted it, I wanted it so bad.

I wasn't sure what was happening to me anymore.  I knew I was tired, I knew I didn't want to live out of a suitcase anymore.  I loved writing and singing music, but I wanted to call somewhere home, have someone to come home to at the end of the day, I think I was finally growing up.  I wondered if this life would be enough for me...then I would think of Sarah, and I knew that just being with her would always be enough...but would she want to be with me when she knew who I was.  Could she handle that sort of lifestyle? Women throwing themselves at me, underwear filling my postbox most weeks, fans creeping me continually, press always happy to report every indiscretion, every little movement I make, I wish it could be easier most days.