As the taxi pulls up outside the fifty storey building I try to glance up the side of the building, my head up against the glass...so this is the fabulous offices of 'Everything' magazine.  I hand over a $20 note to the driver, thanking him for getting me into the city safely and telling him to keep the change, it wasn't much but it was all I had.  He gives me a smile telling me to have a nice day.  I'm not sure how much niceness there will be today.  I didn't want to be here, I don't want to meet Michael, Michael my father, I wanted to be back at home to care for my mother.  I pull my cardigan tighter across my breast, trying to hide the shirt my mum insisted I wear this morning. I can't see why I had to wear a neat button up shirt and this uncomfortable tight skirt that I can hardly move in.  I look down at the stupid shoes I just manage to balance in, I look like a total try hard.  Luckily she let me wear my hair in the scruffy bun I'm accustomed to, with of course no make-up, I mean 'what you see is what you get' I reckon, why dress like this for him, he never cared all the other thousand of days I've been alive for the last eighteen years.  

I look up at the size of the building once again, the clouds are moving fast across the sky making the building look like its moving, making me lose my balance a little.  A hand quickly grips my elbow stopping me from stumbling.  "Steady there" a beautiful deep voice says to me.  My eyes move back to earth, I pull my arm away from him, physical contact with a male, especially one that looks like him, is too dangerous for me.  "Thanks, I'm ok" I say as I rub my arm where he touched trying not to look at him.  I turn and start walking up the stairs towards the large spinning glass door.  He follows me.  I slow down to monitor just how in the hell you get inside, surely there's a way in without entering thru those revolving doors.  "Come, I'll walk with you" he says again, taking my arm again exactly where he had hold before, the exact one I had just made him stop holding, the one that hadn't stopped tingling from his touch.  This time I turn to thank him but his face is cranky, and serious so I say thanks but don't look at him when I say it.  So far he has man-handled me twice in the past minute, this is more than a man has touched me like ever.

I move forward with him hesitantly.  A security guide is waiting for us inside, he puts his hands out to catch me incase I trip coming out of the spin.  He is laughing at himself.  He straightens up and becomes serious quickly.  "Morning Mr Gilmore...and who is this lovely lady with you today? Do you have a security pass for me to see Miss?" he says giving me big cheesy smile.  "Thanks Henry, I'll leave her to you" Mr sexy voice says, leaving me there like I've been a nuisance, it makes me feel like a little girl.  I frown at his back as he walks away, then lift my leg and try to balance on one leg while I heave my bag on the folded up other leg and start rummaging for the tag I received in the mail a few days ago.  Just as I'm about to lose my balance the Henry's sturdy hand catches me.  I straighten back up "Thank you Henry...here it is" I say proudly like I found something in a treasure hunt.  "Ok, thanks miss..." "Taylor, Julia Taylor" I say.  He gives me another big smile then points me in the direction I need to go before he is checking the next people behind me.  I pull my cardigan tight across myself again then I press the up button, waiting at the lift doors, looking around seeing if Mr sexy voice is here.  He isn't, thank god I don't think I could handle another dirty look from him.  We all pile in the lift, with a lady asking for people to tell her which floor they need.  "Ten thanks," "fifteen," "twenty one please," "thirty five" "...umm forty five please" I say.  Everyone looks around at me all at once, making my cheeks instantly turn red.  I smile, my hand instantly holding my cardigan together nervously.  The doors closes and a few people chatter between them, then by the time I'm at my floor I'm the only one left in the lift.  I walk out of the doors looking for a restroom before I have to meet with Michael.  I can see a sign up a corridor to my right so I turn and make my way to it.  

I stand in the mirror looking at the state of myself.  My hair is all wind swept and falling out, looking like I've just got out of bed.  I wet my hands and run them over my hair making it sit back down, then I adjust the hair tie to hold it all in a little better.  My cheeks are still flushed from the elevator ride and my cardigan insists on sitting either side of my boobs.  I look a little closer in the mirror realising the shirt is slightly see thru and you can see my black bra.  'Shit' I say out loud.  That must of been what everyone in the lift was looking at.  I hear the toilet flush and watch in the reflection as a pretty young woman walking towards the vanity, stands beside me.  I look at her while she is washing her hands.  Her hair is dark, and neat, bobbed cut around her face.  She smiles at me, then looks at me intensely.  "Are you Julia?" she says turning to me instead of talking to my reflection.  "Um...yes" I say turning to face her.  "I'm Miranda" she says like I should know her.  "Oh...hey, nice to meet you Miranda" I say assuming she is just a friendly girl.  She checks herself in the mirror, then smiles as she leaves.  I watch her reflection in the mirror thinking how much she reminds me of someone but can't quite think who.  I check myself out one more time.  I take a few deep breathes, something I've learnt that helps me instead of having a panic attack.  I look down at the large envelopes I have in my bag, I need to be brave and speak clearly, letting him know I'm not impressed with the way I've been treated all these years.  Whatever he has to say I'm not interested in hearing.  I push the door open confident and determined to be heard.  And I won't smile like Miranda did.

After telling the reception who I am I'm guided by a tall, blonde super-model looking women to a conference room with a large oblong table. She sits me in a certain chair, offering me a tea or coffee with me politely declining.  I sit placing my bag beside me.  I fidget in my chair wondering what position looks like I'm confident and strong.  I cross my legs and straighten my back...no too uncomfortable.  Then I put my legs together and lay them to one side knocking my bag causing it to fall over.  I lean over the chair, looking very un-lady like trying to fix it when I hear the door open.  I look still sideways, my cardigan has opened, and my hair is all falling to one side...I don't look confident, I look like a ditz.  I watch the girl I just met, plus another man walk in with her, then behind them is Mr sexy voice, then an older man, who must be my father, Michael.  Well it looks my father by the few photos I have of him.  "Julia" Miranda yells happily coming over to me.  "Hey" I say while I try to fix my hair.   After I manage some hair control I happen to glance down noticing my partially exposed bra strap, caused by the stupid shirt falling open because the stupid cardigan didn't stay closed.  I quickly pull all my clothing back to the correct position, even trying to do up another button so that doesn't happen again.  Miranda sits down next to me, pouring herself a glass of water.  I look across the table at Mr sexy voice who is standing looking at me.  He isn't smiling either, just his look knocks the confidence right out of me.  "Myles" I hear the other side of me as a hand appears for a shake.  I look up at his face, it looks very much like Miranda's, dark eyes, dark hair, long dark eye lashes, a little too pretty for man I think to myself.  I manage to lift the correct hand to shake his "Julia" I say smiling quickly then letting go.  He sits down the other side of me making me feel rather awkward between them.  I look back over to Mr sexy voice waiting to find out who he actually is.  My father doesn't even acknowledge me but leans in and says something to Mr sexy voice making him leave the room for a minute, then supermodel lady carries in a tray of cups.  "Food will be here soon" she says before she turns and closes the door.  Then Mr sexy voice comes back in and sits.  You could cut the air with a knife.  

You would of thought my Dad would of come around and hugged me hello.  You would of thought he would of at least even acknowledge me sitting opposite him.  Well anyone with any manners would of at least told me who he was seeing I've never even met him.  But no, he just sits pouring himself a glass of water and drinking it all at once.  Maybe he's nervous, I mean it's pretty embarrassing for him having a kid sitting opposite him that he hasn't seen for the last eighteen years.  I stare at him, watching him closely, looking at his shaking hands holding the glass, watching his lips speaking to Mr sexy voice next to him quietly.  He is grey haired now but he was tall, dark and handsome in the photos I have of him.  I wonder if running this company has taken it's toll on him.  I wonder if he feels any remorse for having no contact with me.  I can tell why mum fell for him, even though I don't know his personality yet.  My mum has never said anything awful or detrimental against him, she just told me he didn't want to raise kids, so she did it herself.  I'm shaken out of my staring trance when Miranda taps my arm.  "Are you ok?" she says to me softly.  "Um...yeah I'm ok, thanks."  Seems like that's all I've said today.  I watch Mr sexy voice stand up like he's representing my father, speaking on his behalf.  "Miranda, Myles thanks for coming.  Julia it's nice to finally meet you.  Incase you don't know who I am my name is Chase Gilmore, Miranda and Myles are my little brother and sister, they're Michael's children he had with my mother Sylvia.  I sit back in my chair looking shocked.  Both Miranda and Myles turn around looking back at me.  I mean I knew there were other kids, maybe a few years younger than me not around the same age, unless I'm totally hopeless as gauging peoples ages.  I look at Miranda then Myles.  Their twins, my dad kept me from having siblings also, this is so ridiculous.  They look at me.  "That's how I knew it was you.  I thought you looked a little like us" Miranda says smiling.  I don't look at her I just look at my dad, I think I must look evil because he sits back like he's suddenly frightened of me.  I turn to Miranda before Chase gets a chance to say anything else.  "How old are you two, when's your birthday?" I ask loudly and abruptly.  

"Myles and I were born in July 1996" she says.  She looks at Myles quizzing him shrugging her shoulders.  "When were you born Julia" Myles says kindly.  "Bloody May...1996" I say angrily putting my hand to my head rubbing my brow, trying to control just how pissed off I'm feeling, also trying to hold back the tears threatening to fall.  I look back up at Chase, he isn't getting called Mr sexy voice anymore.  I don't want him to say another thing but he does anyway.  "Listen Julia, this is awkward for you, I understand this but..." My voice raises, steam quiet possibly starts shooting out of my ears, fury heats my head, all my self control vanishing.  "F.u.c.k o.f.f. Chase, you...you bloody understand what? You don't understand shit...you sit here in your big ivory tower, in your ten thousand dollar armani suite, drinking your fancy pants coffee, being served by a supermodel who probably gives you a head job in her lunch hour instead of eating her lunch, useful to her seeing she has to stay as skinny as a rake, and you think you understand just what that little tiny bit of information makes ME feel."  I look over at my dad who is also rubbing his brow like I had, he pours himself another glass of water, gulping in down, avoiding this confrontation, he's embarrassed, but you know what? I don't give a shit.  I look at him, evil eyes burning into his soul.  "Have you got anything to say to me?  Why do you  need some idiot to speak for you, face me yourself old man" I say directly to the top of his head which is nodding hanging low.  He puts his face up slowly and holds his hands insecurely on the table looking straight at me, "will sorry help?" he says sadly.  I take a deep breathe, you could cut the air with a knife by now, I can feel the tension all around me.  I stand pushing the chair away from me.  "Thats it, that's all you have to say to me?  Actually that's all I need to hear.  I accept your apology, I'll leave you with this."  I lean down and grab the two envelopes I've had tucked in my bag all morning tipping the contents all over the table ferociously.  Eighteen pink envelopes spread all over the table, then I pour the contents of the other envelope, shaking it making sure every single shitty Christmas card lands on the table.  They are all un-open.  Well one is open, I got curious when I was about thirteen and opened one, finding a card with a $100 bill inside.  I quickly resealed it without my mum knowing, and not interested in what he had to say or the money.   I assume all of these envelopes have the same contents but wouldn't know.  Actually that's more money than I've ever owned but it's blood money, bribery, I don't want it.  I can hear Miranda sniffling beside me.

I could feel my cheeks burning, my eyes bleary, one tear already escaped.  My chest was heaving, I could feel a panic attack coming on.  I'm absolutely beside myself with madness.  Without fully crying yet I manage the last thing I want him to know.  "All it would've taken is just one day, even one hour, once a week, even once a month...just one second of your time for me, to come and see ME Dad...Not these" I say swiping my hands across the pile of cards knocking them off the table.  "This wasn't you!" I say picking up one of the envelopes and screwing it up.  I chuck it back down, pick up my bag, not caring that my shirt is probably gapping open, that my hair is all dishevelled, and that by now tears are pouring down my face.  "You've wasted my whole fucking day, one more day, hour, second I could've been spending with my dying mum" I say as I storm out of the room.  

I shouldn't of let my temper get the better of me, I had all intentions of being Ms cool calm and collected but meeting, seeing a whole family he actually raised threw me for six.  I storm out of the room and head straight for the restrooms the only place I thought of running to.  I rush into the cubicle locking myself in, desperately trying to catch a breathe whilst holding on the sides to keep my balance knowing I'm going to hit the ground if I allow a panic attack to consume me.  I sit on the toilet halve sobbing, halve trying to take a few deep breathes.  'What the fuck' I yell, the last five minutes churning around and around in my brain.  'He had a whole other family...what a loser' I say out loud.  Suddenly the door opens and I hear foot steps on the tiles.  They don't sound like women's high heels.  I sit trying to stay silent but my deep breathing isn't very quiet.  I lift my feet up on the toilet so it looks like I'm not here, but I expect the 'engaged' sign is going to give it away.  "Julia" I hear Chase say.  "Please come out and talk to me.  Finding out about the family isn't the only reason we wanted you here today, honestly we thought you knew about us" he says smoothly and in control, making me even more pissed.  I put my feet back on the ground, and hold my head, 'think Julia, this is the last chance you have to get this resolved in your mind' I say to myself.  I don't answer him, but I don't want to act like a silly sulking teenager either.  I take another few deep breathes.  I don't bother wiping my face, I fling open the door, ignoring him, go to the sink and splash my face.  I don't look at him even in the reflection.  I pull my hair out of the elastic holding it up, shaking it, letting it fall down around my back then pull it back up again.   I still haven't looked at him in the reflection but I can see him just standing there, leaning against the wall, looking at the back of my head.   'Fuck him, I'm not going back in there for him, I'm going for myself' I chant to myself in my reflection. 

I walk with attitude back into the meeting.  My back is straight, my face is pale, my eyes blood shot, I know my face will show signs of trauma but I'm on the defence now.  I've had my little tantrum, I seriously need to be cool or at least act like I'm cool.  All eyes follow me, but I don't sit back between the twins, I sit solitary away from them all. Stupid position to sit in because the glare of the window is half blinding me.  Chase sits back down next to my dad.  He looks at me and gives me a little smile.  I scowl at him for once, he isn't getting any sort of smile off me this time.  I don't put my bag back on the ground I hold it on my lap, ready for a quick exit again.  I can see all the envelopes have been tidied up and are in a neat pile with an elastic band around them.  Chase see's my eyes looking at them, his eyes looking a little remorseful.  My dad drinks another whole glass of water, when he finishes he coughs a little.  Chase taps him on the back.  He smiles a little at Chase then turns to look at me.   "Julia...honey... I honestly thought you knew about the other kids, I'm so sorry for you learning it this way, it wasn't fair of your mother to not let you know, but it's not what I brought you here today for...your here today because I want to offer you a job" he says then coughs again.  I don't answer him, either I looked like I was going to go off again or I looked shocked.  He speaks up quickly again not allowing me to answer him back. "I've spoken to your mum who thinks it would be a great opportunity for you, to learn the business, spend some time with us...after all you'll inherit all this along with the other three" he says spreading his arm out showing me who he means.   He keeps going while his on a roll.  "I want you to learn how this business runs.  Your mother told me your really good with computers, that's what you went to Uni for wasn't it?" he says.  I don't answer him.  If he's spoken to my mum of course he knows what I damn well went to Uni for.  "I'm worried about the next thing I need to tell you" he says coughing again.  "Once again your mum agrees that you also move into the penthouse on the top three floors of this building..." looking at me almost scrunching his shoulders waiting for me to explode again obviously.  I sit back on the chair,  looking at him and only him.   "What you want isn't necessarily what you get dad, believe me I've learnt that lesson very early in life, that hard way."  The room goes silent.  Just as it's getting very weird, Ms supermodel pushes a trolley full of food in and starts placing trays of sushi, sandwiches, cakes all over the table.  I usually have a good appetite but I don't want anything to eat.  Miranda and Myles grab a plate and start eating.  Chase puts a few things on a plate and puts it in front of my dad.  I assume his next plate of food is for himself but instead he brings it around in front of me.  "Eat something, it will make you feel better" he says to me firmly.  I don't even acknowledge him.  And the plate of food just sits there.

While they are all sitting and chatting amongst each other I think...what a funny atmosphere it is here up in the clouds in this shiny building,  Miranda and Myles chatting between themselves, dad just eating looking into oblivion, Chase eating, occasionally saying something to Michael but keeping an eye on me.  I reach into my bag, making everyone look at me, what do they think, I'm going to pull out a gun and shoot them all or something.  I find my phone and casually unlock it, hopefully making everyone think I'm little Ms Cool and Casual.  I check for any messages, happy there is none from mum, she must be okay.  Then I go to Facebook, looking thru that, Instagram next, then snapchat, I even check my bank account, god knows why, it is just as bad as yesterday,  anything just so I don't have to associate with them all.  I've pretended looking like I'm busy on my phone but really I'm trying to calm down and am actually thinking about his offer.  Why in the hell does he want me here, he's delusional if he thinks I'm leaving my mum alone.  What does he expect that I just and up and leave my life, boring as it is, just to satisfy his conscience.  I look out the window across at the city.  I will admit having a job in the city has always been a dream of mine, but when mum got sick I've just had to put that dream on hold.  I going into a slight zombie gaze, my eyes tired, usually after a near panic attack I need to just zombie out.  I'm still staring out of the window when I can hear someone talking to me.  "You have brilliant blue eyes, like your mothers.  Your very pretty like she was when she was younger" Michael says.  I snap out of my state, and just nod in agreeance, putting my eyes back down to my phone.  My mums eyes aren't very blue anymore I think to myself.  I catch Chase looking at me while Ms supermodel rubs up against him while she tries to clear the table.  "Have you finished?" she says to me looking at my untouched plate.  "Yes thank you" I say politely looking up at her, her snarling down at me.  I can see Chase scowling.  When she leaves the room I speak to my father directly like usual.  "I'm not leaving mum alone" I say firmly.  He answers quickly.   "Your mother wants to go into a care facility, its the best one around, near the ocean, she doesn't want you looking after her, its very indignant when your children have to care for their ailing parents, believe me Julia I know" he answers me finally looking like a sick man.  "What's the place called? And who' paying for it?" I ask.  "Blue Haven, and I'm paying for it, matter of fact I'll be joining her there in the near future" he says coughing again.  Why would he being joining her?  

I look at him seriously.  What happened to the twins mother then.  I think her name was Sylvia I remember my mum telling me.  Well she told me her name but forgot to tell me he had other kids, that I have a half sister and a couple of brothers.  Well I only have one halve brother because Chase isn't my dads.  Maybe she didn't want me to feel even more shittier about not having him around.  I lift my phone and google Blue Haven.  It does look really nice.  "It's not just for elderly people, there is facilities for younger people who may need help with things.  There is a pool and gym and it has social events, your mum will love it there" he says trying to convince me.  "And what do you want me to do here?" I ask him.  "Well seeing your a computer whizz I want you to over-see everything that comes in and out of the office, safe-guard us against hackers, which we've experienced in the past, check emails for questionable internet sites some of the people who work here might be using the computer for, I'll set you up with a team but you'll be the boss."  I shake my head in the 'no' gesture.  "I'm too young to be anyones boss, I don't want that sort of responsibility."  "Chase will work with you, that's his department, he's been working for me for the last five years since he left school also, so he knows the ropes."  "I'll have to think about it, I'm not sure I want to be working with Chase" I say folding my arms over my chest in defence.  Chase smirks at me.  "Then we will set you up with your own team then, whatever suits you Julia" he says pleading with me.  "And why do I have to live here? Up here in the clouds, why can't I commute?" I ask, knowing perfectly well the bloody hassle I'll have each morning.  "Because I want you close incase of an emergency, I don't want you commuting late at night.  Your mother said you've always dreamed of living in the city...can't get much more city than this" he says pointing towards the window.  It's silent again, serious still.  He's letting me sort it out in my mind, so I think it's my idea.  But I'm only thinking about why my dad looks so sick. 

"And what do you have?" I surprise him with trying not to look sympathetic not caring.  "I have lung cancer" he replies straight forwardly to me.  I don't take my eyes off him, but I can see Chase's beady blue eyes looking at me then him.  "What stage you in?" I ask.  "The way I feel today probably the last stage" he says coughing a little.  "Are you having treatment for it?" "No" he says.  "Why not?" I snap at him. "Because what's the use, it's a matter of quality of time rather than quantity."  I lean forward speaking to him clearly and precise.  "As much time as you can give your children is the most important thing you can do in your whole life Michael."  I can hear Miranda sniffling, with Myles consoling her.  I look at them, then back to him.  For a second I feel like protecting them for some reason, contrary to them being the same age as me.  Chase is leaning back on his chair for the first time in the whole day.  "My mum hasn't got lung cancer but she won't see an old age, she does every single thing possible just to be here for me one more day."  I stand up swinging my bag over my shoulder, it's way lighter now.  "I'll need to think about your offer, I expect a contract drawn up, I'm not working five days a week, I have other interests, I'll never be a workaholic so don't ever think I'll be at your beck and call just because I'm living in the building.  By the way who is going to live there with me?" I ask him feeling tougher than I've felt in a long time.  "The twins, they want to get to know there sister" he says smiling at them proudly.  I smile at them, I'm actually looking forward to getting to know them also, they haven't done anything wrong, were just born a couple of months after me.  I then look at Chase hoping he doesn't include himself in the little family love fest going on.  "Also Chase and I" my dad says.  My shoulders slump.  Poo, this is going to be a task and a halve.  I turn to walk away before I hear my dad.  "Julia...I...I look forward to seeing your lovely face again, you've grown into a smart, beautiful woman."  "Thanks Michael, but you don't know me, oh and another thing...I want a three month trial."  He smiles again "I don't expect you to be on trial" he says smiling at me.  I turn to answer him.  "It won't be me on trial Michael" I say.  And with that I walk out the door.