"It's truly and honestly all about me. From the day I was born everyone and everything evolved around me. Admittedly I obviously didn't know this at first but believe me I found out how to make it that way from a very young age. Quite frankly I'm not really blaming anyone I've just learnt thru out the years how to find the weakness in most people and use that to my advantage."
"Do you think many people like you?" he ask me.
"I know most people don't like me, they try to avoid me, probably scared of me. I'm not sure why, if I don't need anything from them, I just don't bother about them. I'm better of having my little minions hanging around me besides. One click of my fingers and they appear ready to pander to my every needs. I think they feel I'll end up liking them, but I don't care about any of them. I won't get attached to any of them, it just doesn't happen that way. Well in saying that, I've never been attached to anyone so far, I doubt very much if there actually is any one person I could potentially live without. Lets just say I'm not looking for this person so if they happen to come along I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I get there. But I seriously doubt there is anyone out there to match me."
"When did you realise this? Do you think you were born to demand all the attention?" he says confidently.
"Well I'm thinking...surely it just didn't happen, surely I must've just been born this way. I had a quiet meek mother that was bossed around by my dad which probably didn't help the cause, monkey see what monkey do and all. Then I suppose when dad was away, which was a lot, I was to take over his place, left alone for her to pander to me then and seeing I didn't have siblings, it just happened this way. I can't blame my mother for the way I am, can I?"
"Do you wish you were born a boy that didn't want or get all the attention?"
"Na...thinking back I don't remember ever wishing my life any different, not then, not now even. I'm glad I didn't have to share with siblings."
"Where is your father now then, do you know what happened?"
"Nothing, just one day, early in my teen years my dad just didn't come back, I didn't care, but it must've made my mum cling on to me even more. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think she obsessed over me or suffocated me, actually I was left alone after dad left because she went back to work, and all her hard earned cash supplied me with everything, and I took it of course."
"So you never did anything for her later in life when you made yourself wealthy?"
"No. I took it all, never giving anything back to her. When you say it out loud I do actually feel a little remorse about it but now it's too late for redemption."
"But you continued taking from everyone else still to this day?"
"Yes, I learnt to take it all and give little away. When it was my turn to join the work force I soon learnt who would do the job for me, after all that was what my mum had done for all the previous years. I stepped up the ladder quickly, cheating many people who had been there years out of their hard earned promotions, I wasn't in it to make friends and without sounding cliche I even managed to sleep my way to the top when necessary. Don't hate me, I told you I'm not liked. And now I'm at the top, things are exactly how I imagined."
"Except you never get the chance to share any of your wealth not even with your mother now she has passed away and you have no-one else in your life, so what is it all for, have you ever questioned yourself?"
I take a big breathe, desperately trying not to let my feelings reveal themselves before I answer. This doctor is getting deep-seeded feelings from me so easily.
"My mum always told me she was happy to give it all to me, she did it all for me. I think the same about everyone that deals with me now, that they're doing it all for me too. I'm still not sure even now I've reached the top if I could give back or if I even want to, I'm an arsehole, I'm admitting it. And because now your making me say it out loud, well I sound like a bloody awful bloke. Do you think I can change Doc?"
Finally, I'm asking someone for help, which actually feels pretty overwhelming.
"Your the only person that can answer that Jay" he says in his deep melodic voice. He then looks at his watch and I know my session is up and I'm going to be reluctantly pushed back to the ward.
I like this doctor he seems to open up my thoughts, funny because he's probably getting paid less than my personal assistant, proving to me I don't necessarily need to spend my money on high end physiologists, which I've done in the past and has proven a big waste of money. Of course me being me, I can afford to be anywhere but here in this public hospital. I could've gone privately, chef prepared meals, overpaid doctors that could do the same but I seriously needed a reality check after the accident, so I placed myself in the local hospital amongst normal society, hoping for some miraculous cure. The sickness for me in here is only being a self-centred prick with two broken ankles, a broken wrist, a split lip and a black eye. Now I'm hoping maybe a stressed out doctor can fix my bones and a under-paid physiologist can fix my brain. And unfortunately only time will tell which in reality, I have plenty of.
I actually don't remember requesting this lower class hospital system to fix me but when I woke out of unconsciousness this is where I found myself. Apparently the person, a complete stranger to me, the one who had pulled me from the wreck, someone who didn't know how much of an arse I actually am had bought me here, making it quicker than if we'd waiting for an ambulance, actually saving my life because the car caught on fire within minutes of being rescued. I only learnt all this over-hearing the nurses gossiping and when I asked the questions no-one seemed to know who it was, just that I had been delivered then they had scurried off. I'm sure with enough bribery I'll get answers.
Then, I'm pretty sure talking to a physiologist after the sort of accident I had is mandatory, especially the speed I was going. Honestly, I wasn't trying to kill myself, but now I just need to convince him. He told me I successfully wrapped my car around a tree, it caught on fire, pretty much a guaranteed death, so apparently I'm on his high alert for self harm list and now I have to speak to a him every few days while I'm here. I actually haven't spoken to someone in such lengths ever, and I'm finding it quite refreshing. Maybe he'll be able to help me understand why someone would risk their own lives to help a total stranger. But so far all I've worked out is just maybe it isn't all about me after all.
The realisation that I could've potentially died, and this empty feeling I have has hit hard actually. Laying in a cold hospital bed alone, watching people walking pass with balloons, bears, flowers, warm smiles and concerned faces suddenly made me realise that I didn't have anyone that smiled at me like that. I actually don't think I've ever had someone smile at me warmly like that. The smiles I get are only to win me over, they don't mean anything. And in saying that I don't think I truly smile at anyone and mean it either. I look over thru the window watching the tops of the trees outside swaying back and forth in the wind, close my eyes, and for one of the first times in my life I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm woken jumping slightly in fright when the door is dramatically swung open and the woman standing there squeals at the sight of me. Suzanna has arrived and everyone should know. She's the most recent woman in my life. I don't smile at her, she doesn't smile at me either, come to think about it she doesn't smile at anyone. She waits for you to acknowledge her with a smile, this way she can monitor your intention. She's sexy and a good fuck, she doesn't talk much to me and when she does I don't take much notice. But this visit surprisingly she manages a smile before she starts asking me a thousand and one questions. All I do is wonder what she's up to and what does she want? In amongst most things I didn't take much notice of its not until she stands with her hands on her hips ready to get answers to the following.
"So, when will you be able to walk again? You know you've just spoilt my overseas holiday which may I remind you was scheduled to leave for in 2 days." I manage to answer this question.
"I paid for the holiday, it was my holiday too" before she continues putting on her usual fake smile but this time with a little turned down lip.
"Jay, is it okay if I go without you?" Surprising me she then proceeds to pull up a chair along side me. For a minute I thought she was going to show some kind of tenderness, maybe give me a kiss, ask me how I am but instead she's busy eyeing off the things on the bedside table beside me. She opens up the draw like its natural for someone to rummage thru your things, reaching in and producing my wallet. Then she gets up and moves far enough away that I can't reach her.
"I'll just borrow this" she says, slipping one of my credit cards out, smiling again, yes shockingly that's three smiles in one day before turning and leaving quickly knowing I can't chase her. Then she leaves without a second look, bitch.
"Shit" I growl. I manage to reach over with my good arm, picking up my phone and texting my personal assistant, James, yes a male, to cancel the card. I then lay back seriously re-assessing my fucked up life just a little bit more.
After numerous nurses have come in, pleasantly greeting me, making sure I wasn't in too much pain, I sit up in bed suddenly feeling relieved that I probably won't be seeing Suzanna again. I have a list of women happy to pander to my needs, I'll just give myself six weeks to get back in the game. It's going to be hard seeing I've never gone without someone clinging to me, needing me and my money but this will give me a chance to have some time out. Here in this under privileged hospital I'm thinking I want to feel, to experience how the other half live, have a reality check, see what makes them tick, hopefully it will make me appreciate what I have or the way I treat people or maybe I'll only last a few days before I'm demanding to be moved back into a lap of luxury in a private hospital.
I was told I start physiotherapy today so I sit and wait, wondering what will the next person to poke and prod me be like, what's next for me in this busy hospital, actually enjoying listening the hustle and bustle happening outside the door. I realise how quiet my life actually is, how silent and sterile my home is. Then there is a slight knock on the door and a woman enters. And she is giving me the hugest welcoming smile, I mean she's really truly smiling at me...
I stretch my tied body before I slam my hand down on the alarm clock beside me angrily. That 8 hour sleep went too quickly. Probably doesn't help that I had worked double those hours the day before. Well it was actually a 10 hour shift then housework the other hours, so I didn't stop. I seem to get two steps ahead then one step back. But I wouldn't change my life for anything or anyone. Sure it wasn't what I imagined back when I was in my teenage la la land. Dreams faded and reality hit hard. I yawn and flop back down. I know I have no chance of dozing back to sleep because in about 5 minutes a tiny little man will be jumping on me demanding breakfast. So I lie and wait, 5,4,3,2, and 1, here he comes. I smile listening to him struggle to turn the door handle, then giggle while he creeps up beside me but before he can surprise me I turn and grab hold of him, making him giggle out loud.
"I wanted to scare you mummy, you always know even when I'm as quiet as a mouse, how do you know I'm coming?" he says snuggling into me.
"I'm the mum, I have eyes in the back of my head and can hear a pin drop the other end of the house, you'll never be able to sneak around when I'm in the house Sammy" I say pulling him to me for a snuggle.
Sammy is my life now. I did not birth him, I was gifted him when my sister sadly past away during child birth. It wasn't my plan, but it wasn't her plan to fall pregnant and then die, and it definitely wasn't Sam's plan so we just had to cope best we could. I look down at him and all I can do is smile, I love him so much. This funny little boy doesn't even know any different. He doesn't know how different his or my life would've been if my sister had stayed. He is my life and I'm his. So I'm trying to make it the best one I can. Lucky for me my own mum helped out while I went to Uni to become a physiotherapist and now I run the unit at the local hospital. Sam attends the creche within the hospital until he starts school which is soon. Once again my life with be thrown into a new sort of chaos but we will soldier on.
"Come on pook, lets get you fed and dressed" I say to him as I place him on the ground tapping his bum making him walk a little faster.
He runs out of the room letting me use the bathroom and dress for the day. I pull on a the hospital uniform, put on my comfy shoes, tie my long hair into a scruffy bun and don't even bother looking at my face let alone placing any creams or make up on it. I've honestly given up worrying about the small things. Losing Sarah then getting Sam handed to me made me realise it isn't about me anymore. Well it wasn't really ever about me. Sarah tended to make it more about her, she hung around people that all seem to make it only about themselves. But Sarah soon found out when shit hits the fan those friendships are short lived, especially that one special friend that got her pregnant. Unfortunately she never told me exactly who it was, so I'm not sure who Sam's dad is. I'm not looking forward to the day he asks either.
"Coco-pops please mummy, not too much milk...make it just right thanks mummy, you can share mine if you want" he prattles to me.
"That's ok mate I'll just have tea to start off with, thanks anyway, your a good boy for sharing" I encourage him.
"Matt doesn't share, he wants all my food and all his too, Ms Judy tells him off then he gives me a evil look, I void him then he cries when I won't play with him" Sammy says between a mouthful of food. I stop what I'm doing. Then before I get to speaks he starts talking again.
"I play with him because he's sad but told him he has to learn to share things." I speak before he says anymore.
"Your a smart little man, best being a kind person and thinking about other people Sam, it will get you far in life" I say.
Sam sits and watches t.v. for a while why I get a few things done before I start my shift. I stop and look at the photo I have of Sarah. I didn't have the best relationship with her but she was the only sister I had, so I stuck by her. Sarah thought everything evolved around her, she gave my parents hell in the younger years, enough that I knew I could never treat them like that. She hung around the same sort of people as herself, always trying to out do each other, looking down they're noses at normal people, only being nice when they needed something from you. I grew to stay away from Sarah and her minions at a early age. It wasn't until she came home pregnant and sick that we reconnected, but then it was too late. I sigh and give the photo a smile, before Sam is pulling me out the door.
Soon enough I'm dropping Sam off at the creche, kissing him goodbye then going to see my schedule today, making my way to the room that holds my next patient. I knock softly before opening the door to come face to face with him. I manage to keep the smile I have on my face, contrary to not feeling it's benefits at this moment in time.
"I'm Kiah, your physiotherapist while your here. Hope your feeling up to starting some exercises, we need to keep that blood flowing around, don't want it to go stagnant, are you ready Jay" I say trying to stop the blood from making my cheeks blush. He looks at me waiting for me to say more. I avoid him and look down at my clip board, praying he is as rude as he was all those years ago and won't want to talk to me too much. 'Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact' I say to myself. But I know he is ready to have a good old chat to me unfortunately. And unlike before when I was that stupid little teenager I straighten my shoulders readying myself for whatever he can deal. Bring it on Jay Crowley....
I know this girl but can't quite place her. Jeez over the years I've met a lot of women, so it's hopeless even thinking about it. My eyes scan down her trim small body, she wouldn't be much over 5'6, a bit shorter than my usual. And what's the go with her hair, all scruffily placed on the top of her head, long strands escaping like she's just ran a marathon. My usual woman would have immaculate hair, not a strand out of place. I look at her face and she is smiling at me still.
"I'm Kiah, your physiotherapist while your here. Hope your feeling up to starting some exercises, we need to keep that blood flowing around, don't want it to go stagnant, are you ready Jay" she says looking back at the clip board to make sure she gets my name right but her cheeks are bright red.
"Do I know you? You look familiar" I say looking at her not really acknowledging what she just said. Finally she rolls her eyes at me, giving me a dirty look along with a sassy stance.
"No I don't think so" she answers quickly, cutting me off alking into a walkie talkie requesting a couple of people come help her.
"Yeah I'm pretty sure I know you, do you..." but she cuts me off.
"I definitely do not know you Jay, can we drop it, do I honestly look like one of your many conquests" she says a tiny bit crankily. She just assumed I have many conquests, it's true but she doesn't have to just assume it.
"No, you definitely do not fit the description of any of my conquests, so that's not it" I say smart arsely. She keeps her serious face and puts her hand on her hip like she is about to scold me. And is totally ignoring me. She gets up putting her hands on her hips all toughly.
"Don't let these hospital scruffs deceive you Jay, you never know, a sexy little black dress, 6 inch pumps, smoky eye and a decent hair dresser can make anyone look different BUT I'd remember you, so in saying that, I. don't. know. you. and you definitely do. not. know. me" she says now giving me a cranky glare and scolding me like I was a little boy.
Shit. Her voice was so sexy and sultry. Her smell lingered arousing all my senses, no woman has done that in a long time. And as she turns to walk away I notice she has the best arse I've seen maybe ever. I lift my eyes before she turns and smile at her. You know one of those smiles that gets my own way. She shakes her head and scowls knowing exactly where my eyes have been. I'm about to continue the conversation, wearing her down until she admits she knows me but two large men come in to help me into the wheelchair. Her name tag only has her first name on it, maybe her second name would help. But I can see she is on a mission, walking fast ahead and setting up the large room ready for the day. I watch a few other people in the same uniforms talking to her before she heads back to me.
"Upper body movements at first then we will gradually lead into leg toning once the plaster is removed but you can use your arms to get yourself upright on the bars over there if your sick of sitting okay?" she says professionally not friendly like before. I just nod still trying to work out how I know her or how I'm going to get to know her.
"Earth to Jay, can you concentrate on the task ahead. I'll swap with one of the others if it's a problem with me being your therapist" she snaps at me making me answer quickly.
"No! I want you to help me" I say looking at her and talking to her like I talk to most people, like the demanding little shit I am.
"Please" she says stopping what she's doing and looking at me folding her arms in front of her slightly pushing up her boobs, scrambling my brain for a second.
I would normally just give my usual evil look and get my own way especially when it comes to a woman but I don't seem to know why this attitude isn't working on her. And then like magic I say the word.
"Please." Which makes her smile, which holy shit...makes me smile. Fuck, whats going on here!