All I can hear is the rattle of our suitcase wheels that's echoing against the cement walls while I drag them ungracefully across the concrete floor.  I glance across seeing brown water stains that have marked the dull grey concrete H block sides of this building, a funny thing to think of at this time of morning, hopefully one I won't ever have to think of again.  As I approach the ramp that leads to the lower levels of the carpark, the breeze blows up towards us, the smells of fumes and dampness, a mixture of exhaust and staleness, a smell that represents the dull colour of this basement and one thing my senses have shared with this city every single day.  I manage to successfully press the unlock button on the remote that's dangling from one of my fingers whilst still walking and still keeping hold of the heavy suitcase with the other four fingers, go me.  I have an envelope in between my teeth which contains the keys to the apartment but still manage to coax my six year old daughter, using only sideway lips producing a grunt more than words, and eye contact/head movements to keep her moving forward.  

In my other arm is all the bedding that I shared with Skye the six year old in question last night.  There's pillows, doona, sheets and a couple of stuffed bears all screwed up together, surprisingly heavier than I contemplated causing a rather dull ache in my arm.  But I'm happy it's only this I'm dragging down here and not the mattress's which I'm gladly leaving here, along with all my other cheap and nasty furniture that quite frankly I don't really care for nor wish to take with me anyway.  My neighbours have promised they'll take it to good will, funny it will end up exactly where it was before when I bought it from there.   I stop behind the car, plonk my arm full of bedding on the ground, finally appreciated one free hand and open the back tailgate.  Then letting go of the other hand thats been clinging on to the large suitcase, I desperately start stretching my fingers that are locked into holding position.  I start shoving the doona and pillows into the last of the empty spots, and with a burst of energy lift the last of the suitcases. squishing it into the last spot, just able to balance it before I slam the tailgate shut.  I finally get to take the envelope out of my mouth and am now able to smile down at Skye who smiles back up at me with her cute toothless grin, whilst handing me her small pull along bag.  I look back at the car full to the brim, deciding this may have to lay at her feet for this journey.  I take Skye's hand in mine, looking down at the envelope, which basically contains the last remnant of my life from the last six years, this is it, your getting out of here Dani, no turning back.

"I just need to put this in the letterbox before we go" I say tapping the envelope on her head cheekily, almost excitedly.  

"Ok mummy, can I sit in the front with you?" she says hesitating as to which door she gets in, front or back of car?  I look thru the windows, the backseat is down, boxes of toys and clothes, boxes pack right up to the roof, there is no choice today, she will be sitting in a booster seat in the front regretfully.

"I don't think we have a choice baby" I say letting go of her hand then sitting her in the passenger seat, making sure the seat-belt is fastened.  I don't like her sitting in the front usually but their definitely isn't any choice today.  I close her door then walk around consciously checking the air in the tyres which is looking good seeing I checked them yesterday, banging the tailgate door again making sure it's closed shut one more time, then giving myself one more second to think about this giant big road trip ahead of us.  I look around at the basement, my parking spot for the last six years, contrary to the dull grey place I'm standing in, this place has been my home.  Then I glance back at the exit door I just came thru, thinking about just how many times I dragged shopping thru it, how many times I struggled balancing a baby and a pram to get in it, and how many times my key never opened it, then having to walk right around the building to the front entry, sometimes in the dark early hours of the morning.  I smile, na, I won't miss this and I will never have to see that damn door ever again.  

I sit in the drivers seat, take a deep breathe 'ready' I say to myself.  Skye isn't looking at me, she has already set herself up with a colouring book and her pencils.  I carefully reverse out, unable to see over the top of all our stuff in the back, having to use the side mirrors only.  I drive up the ramp, checking for pedestrians before I move forward, turning and stopping outside the block of letterboxes I'm so familiar with.  I jump out leaving the car on, and my door open while I take the three steps to our letterbox, the one with flower stickers stuck to it, just managing to manoeuvre the thick envelope containing the last piece of evidence that we lived here in without a problem.  Before I jump back in the car I look back up at our apartment.  Our balcony looks like all the others in this tall high-rise, but I know our balcony, even without all my pot plants up against the rail.   I lost count of the amount of times I sat across the road at the small cafe opposite our building, wasting time counting over and over again how many floors up, how many doors across, a bit like when you count the ceiling tiles at the dentist, contemplating what is going to happen next.  I remember, back to a time when I wasn't quite sure where my life should be, here or back home.  It was back to a time when I didn't have a choice but rather had to make a decision and stick to it, not just for my sake but for Skye's also.  My eyes move to the next balcony, half my pot plants are sitting on that ledge now, my neighbours happy to gain such healthy plants, probably to kill them slowly.  Yeah, this city saved me, sheltered me but it never had my heart.  I've decided the only thing I'll miss about living here is the beautiful friendship I found with the boys next door.  They had been my saviour and I'm going to miss them, and my plants.

"Let's go mummy" Skye yells from inside the car.  I jump back in the car, check the side mirrors, take another deep breathe then head out of the city away from my security blanket, away from the only friends I had all these years.  

"You ok bubba? Let me see your colouring in" I say while we sit at the hundredth set of lights.  Skye holds up her book to show me, of course everything on the page is blue, her favourite colour.  The book lowers and she's smiling behind it, she knows I'm going to ask her about all the other colours.  But I don't I just turn and concentrate on driving.  After we finally seem to pick up speed she stops what she's doing, fidgets a little, turns to me and concentrates on what she is going to say.

"Tell me about when you were a little girl mummy, like when you went to school...I want to go to school, can I go to the same school you did? Do you think I will find a friend that likes to colour in? I wonder if she will like blue like me" she says practically in one breathe.  I didn't enrol Skye in her first year at school, being only six, it wasn't the law, and with the closest school a fair distance away I made sure she learnt just as much at home.  With my job, and not being home until the early hours, I decided to give her my day time, well I share my day time with her and my part-time studies.  So she is up to date with schooling for her age, she reads like a champ, knows the alphabet literally backwards, knows how to count beyond one hundred, knows how to write her name plus other things, actually she is probably ahead of kids her age, only problem she has is that she hasn't ever really established friendship with other kids her age.  A problem I hope solves itself when she starts normal school.  

"I'm sure you'll find a friend angel, you'll probably find lots of friends, and every little girl loves colouring in, but make sure you try other things too, just be friendly to everyone, whether they like colouring in or not."  She sighs as she nods thinking about it.  

"How did you find a friend, what did you like doing?" she asks me, then continues colouring in her book patiently. 

I think back to when I was about eight and we had just moved interstate to the small town I grew up in.  The one I was driving back to, the place I want my daughter to grow up in.  I had asked my mum the same question when we arrived.  I didn't know how I was going to make new friends.  I cough and cleared my throat a little before I was ready to tell her...I start speaking, suddenly all the memories come flooding back.    

"It was Summer around the late 90's...when we moved.  My grandma wasn't very well, and my grandad had passed away the year before so my parents decided to move to the little town where she lived to help her out.  I was angry at first because I had friends where we lived before, ones I didn't want to leave.  So when I went to school I thought no-one would be as good as those friends.  That very first day, which happen to be the first day for everyone in a new grade, in a new year at school, it where I instantly made friends."

"Did they like colouring in?"

"No baby, not at first, I just sat in the first seat which happen to be next to them.  Then the weirdest thing happened.  Our names were getting called out for roll-call and we discovered we all had boy names."

"You don't have a boy name but mummy."  I don't now because I changed it, Grace is actually my middle name.  Skye didn't know that.

"I use my middle name now sweetie" I say to her waiting for her to ask why but she doesn't.

"Let's play a game seeing this is going to be a long drive.  I'll tell you the three girls names,  but you'll have to guess which one is me by the end of the journey."

"Ok, this will be easy" she says confidently.

"The names to remember are Toni, Peta and Dani.  That very first day the teacher read out our names, we had found ourselves all sitting in a row beside each other, so it was our destiny to be friends.  We all looked at each other smiling, all three of us thinking the same thing.  I hated having a boys name, so did they, I was new, but so were they both, so suddenly there is two other girls sitting either side of me with something in common, suddenly our friendship seemed guaranteed."

"But did they like the same things as you too?"

"Yep, I soon found out they were very similar to me.  We seem to think the same about everything.   And we were in-separable after just a couple of days of knowing each other.  Our families were totally different but we just thought the same weirdly."

"Tell me more I need more hints before I guess which one is you."

"Ok.  So one girl didn't have any brothers or sisters.  One only had one big brother, and the other one came from a big family, she had about four other sisters."

"Ok.  That helps, any more information for me?" Skye says rubbing her chin while she thinks making me smile.

"One of girls family didn't have a lot of money but manage ok, she was always so happy, and never complained about not having new clothes or toys.  The second girl's family had a little bit more money but they still didn't spoil the kids, her parents always made sure they gave to the less fortunate people in the town, which made her instantly learn to share her things with her friends also."

"She seemed like a nice girl to share mummy."  

 "The last girls family had lots of money, they lived in a big house, they even had a full time maid.  And that house had a pool, which we all swam in all summer."

"Do we have a pool where we're going to live mummy?"

"No sweetie, we're going to live at Grandma's house, she doesn't have a pool, but I'm sure we will find somewhere to swim.  Do you want to stop for a break soon?"

"I'm hungry but I want to still keep going so I can try and guess which one is you."  I don't answer her I just produce a muesli bar from the console, along with a popper juice.  Lets just say I've come very prepared.  But we will stop soon, because I seriously need a coffee.

"So after just a little while these three girls really loved each other, like sisters.  They would spend all week-end together, down the lake fishing, riding their bikes, everything kids get to do when they live in the country.  Then they would be together all during school hours.  It was really very special, they never fought about anything."  I swallow down my sadness, I left them, I was so wrong.

"So there's a lake where we're going? Will I be able to go swimming in it? Did you have sleep-overs? Did the girl with the big family have room at her house for extra girls when they had sleepovers? Or was her house too small?"

"There was always room, but I know your trying to make me tell you she lived in the big house, but I'm not going to tell you yet."  Skye smiles at me, I could see her smart little brain ticking over.

"Just one more question mummy...Did they all have a daddy and a mummy?"  This question makes me feel a little sad.  I know Skye's at the age of thinking about two parents being around, I've never told her about her father.  Being around John and Steve, who lived next door and who baby-sat her each evening has been the only male figures in her life.  They love her like she was their's but they didn't have that father/daughter bond.  And I knew she was starting to realise she didn't have a dad.

"Yes, they all did back then but I'm not sure if they still have now, it's been along time since I've seen them Skye, and their parents might not be alive anymore."

"Why didn't you stay friends? I thought you really loved these girls.  It would be sad if they didn't have their mum or dad anymore wouldn't it?"

"Yes honey it would be sad and I don't know why I lost contact with them, it was wrong of mummy to not keep in contact with them.  When you get older, things just change.  Do you want me to continue or do you want to have a break from the guessing game?"  I hope she wanted the break or would try and guess by now but she wanted me to keep telling her the story.  The teenage years in the past was a little more turbulent, I wish I could skip it.  

"I might have a little sleep then we can continue" she says curling up into the chair and closing her eyes.  I glance over at her beautiful face, she looks so much like her father sometimes it kills me.   I fiddle trying to find a radio station, finding a channel that plays older songs I then sit back and drive a little faster.  I mange to drive another couple of hours, stopping when Skye wakes up.  We pull over to re-fuel and have a break.  We decide to have an early lunch, having about an hour break before we head off again.  Skye is re-freshed and ready for the next part of my story.  I'm a little more reluctant about this part, and will have to think before I speak.

"2005 came along...the year we all turned 16...finally we were teenagers now and had been friends for quite a few years by now.  We knew each others families like they were our own.  The girl who didn't have any siblings use to love being with the other girls families.  The girl who had the big family always wanted to be with the girl who had no siblings.  So we sort of hung at the girls house who only had the big brother.  That house was neither quiet or noisy.  But her big brother hated it.  He hated having these three giggling silly teenagers always wanting to hang around with him and his friends.  Your too young to understand all that yet baby, but you know in 'Despicable me', how the big sister sometimes acts weird when a boy is around, well that was us.  He tried hard to keep us distant, but because we lived in a small town, we knew everywhere he was...poor boy, we really hassled him back then."  I smile just thinking about it, thinking about his dirty look or when sometimes he would be glaring at us, probably in total disgust.  But I loved it when he noticed me.

"Didn't he like his sister? What did he look like? And what is his name so I know who your talking about."

"I think he liked us but only sometimes.  He only hung around us when he felt like teasing someone just to annoy us.  He didn't really look like anyone you'd know but I always thought he was very good looking.  I liked it when we hung around him, even if he continually tried to make us angry, it became cool to hang around the older boys.  And his name was Dylan."   I can feel myself blushing, the same as back then every time Dylan looked at me.  I had this huge secret crush on this boy, then I went and spoilt it.  Skye giggling next to me brings me back to reality.

"Ooh mummy liked a boy.  Do you still know if he lives in the town?"  she says teasing me cutely.

"Hey, I didn't say I liked him, I just thought he was good looking and I liked the attention, that's all.  I'm not too sure where he lives now sweetie.  Actually, I'm not totally sure who I'm going to find when we get back there.  We will just have to get there, settle in and find out won't we."  Skye takes another breath so I know it's going to be a big sentence.

"I'm really excited about going to school and...and...swimming in the lake, and...and riding my bike, that's when I get a bike and...and maybe we can get a dog or cat or pig or even some cute little chickens, can we mummy, just like you had."  I just smile thinking of the great childhood I actually had in this little town I'm taking her to, I'm actually excited about it.  But who is still living there still worries me a little.

"So, so far the names are Toni, Peta, Dani and Dylan" Skye chirps up making my mind switch back to the conversation.

"Well there are lots of others names, one of the girls came from a huge family, lots of brothers and sisters, but knowing all those name might confuse you, so lets just stick with the three girls with boy names ok" I say as she nods, thinking about it all.  She is totally switched on for her age, and I suppose just living with me she is a little more mature than a normal six year old kid.  I continue...

"The only child girl was raised very conservatively.  Conservatively means like her clothes were always neat and tidy, she has to always use her manners, she never spoke until she was spoken to, she was the shyest one of the girls, the quiet one.  And she was very intelligent, she liked to read and colouring in like you do.  But she was lonely without siblings, and sometimes wished her life was more exciting I think."  

"I'm the only child but I don't feel lonely, I wonder if she was sad being the only child?" Skye chirps up.  I'm relieved to hear her say that.

"I don't think she was sad, she became a good listener, and you knew she would never tell anyone else your secrets.  People use to tell her she looked sad but I think she just liked to listen rather than chat all the time.  Luckily, she always had the other two girls, they were like her sisters."

"The second girl, was more out-going, always getting up to mischief.  She was always coming up with little adventures that kept their days full.  She liked going away from her house, sometimes her mum and dad didn't even care if she didn't come home, and I think that made her sad sometimes.  But she never stayed sad for very long, coming up with a new adventure the next day.  She was very adventurous and not shy at all."

"That sounds like you a little bit mummy, see, like we're on a little adventure today."  She makes me smile. I wish I had been that adventurous and hadn't left because I wasn't brave enough to face my fear.  I continue talking so I stop thinking about all my failures.

"The third girl was the bubbliest of all.  She was friendly, and always smiling.  She just went along with anything anyone else said or wanted to do.  She would make the other laugh and never stopped talking.  She would talk to everyone, she was such a happy girl.   So Skye, their was a quiet girl, a mischievous one, and a bubbly, friendly girl, have you worked it out yet?"  She thinks about it some more, her finger tapping her chin in thought.

"Did Dylan ever end up liking you girls?"  Skye asks me surprising me she is still thinking about him.

"No Skye, I think he thought we were all annoying, all of us were little annoying sisters to him."  Well I thought he like one of us.

"But you were bigger girls now, you were teenagers, so he probably didn't think you were little anymore.  He might've liked hanging around with you."

"He liked us in the end but it was too late, we all went our seperate ways.  And yes we did all grow up, but none of us ever got taller than Dylan."  I answer her thinking maybe she's thinking we got bigger in height rather than mind.  I wasn't sure if she was thinking about 'grown ups' other than all the other grown up bits we gained, well except for me that is, all my bits grew later, leaving me embarrassingly flat chested all my teenage years. 

"Ok, keep going, I think I've nearly worked it out."  I look over at her staring out the window intent on me speaking again.  Her beautiful big blue eyes move around grasping everything in sight.  Her long hair is put in two plaits that lay on her shoulders.  She is so cute and so smart it's scary.  And she is thinking hard.  Now I'm not sure if I want to answer anymore questions reminding me of those years afterwards, but I continue cautiously.