Both A Physical And Mental Killer


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"Hi, my name is Victoria Alan, and Byron was the ultimate love of my life. Our love story isn't different to any others. But it was personal to us..." It took me a while to calm my self down but after wiping away my tears I managed to continue. "Someone once told us that our names must have been written in the stars before we were born, because apparently we were love it's self. It made me wonder if we were so perfect why him... why Byron? But his duties living must have been for filled. At least that's what I try telling myself. I never thought I would be the one to stand here today. I kinda hoped he'd be ulogizing me. But then again I can't seem to predict anything, then again who can?" I glanced over at Byron's parents who were crying. I had something planned to say but new it wouldn't change anything or comfort them. After all I'm here to speak to them and his family and friends about him not us. I'm the reassurance and comfort of this day and that's what I intended to do to speak about the wonderful days of Byron. I finished my ulogy and only pray that he heard it. I might not of said what I wanted to but I said what was right. 

It took me  a while to regain my self and get back to 'normal' should we say. But I had a different attitude for life. Byron was my life for so long and I struggled to come to terms with the the fact he was no longer with me. I slept more because there was nothing or know one worth getting up for. My parents said I didn't talk much. But that could be because I had nothing to say. Eating was another thing Byron and I had our favourite meals which when my parents cook unaware of this. I wouldn't touch. Byron as well as change my life controlled my life but not in a forceful pushy way. In a way I didn't in some respects want to change. I didn't want to eat our meals without him or go to our favourite place alone. 

There's many stages of greaf and people deal with it in different ways. Stage one usually is crying at there name, which I seem to be getting over. Secondly is just doing this as you would do normally. I was still at this stage. The next is being about to talk about them happily, it seemed like a life time away.  You then can go to there room and sort through there stuff. Luckily this wasn't for me to do. Finally you manage to go to your favourite places, without them. Greaf is something that kills. 

Both Byron and I in our first dates answered the truth question of, if we chose how we died what would be our preferred way be. Byron said he wanted to drown so he could see as much of the ocean as possible. And me being someone who liked to elaborate without intending to, answered. " falling out of a plane cause I've always wanted to fly" Byron looked at me with a slight smile, and chuckled. He then said something to me that has stuck to this day and I never want to leave. He said when you jump I'll jump. But that hurts more now than it did then. When Byron was in hospital he said something to me that I brushed aside under the carpet and only really looked at it recently. He held my hand and made me promise that I'll find someone else to jump of the plane with me. 

But of cause I thought he was talking rubbish, and was mad at him for thinking I could possible move on after him. That there's someone perfect out there after his life. And I didn't want there to be. 

Byron was my one and only.

 Even though it's been a few days. My black dress still hangs up on my wardrobe. I tend to look at it each day, it reminds me of my ulogy which I never said. 

I couldn't say it was a speech to be proud of but I wished he could have heard it. Not that I can guarantee he heard the speech I said. But I would have liked to of read it. However the speech wasn't to comfort me which it did, but his family which it wouldn't. 

 Byron hated funerals, but his family went for the traditional route. I knew he would have wanted bright colours, a blue coffin and jelly and ice cream for dessert. But he couldn't tell them what he wanted because he's dead. And I might as well be too because I'm struggling to cope without him. 

And I almost don't want to. But for his sake and his memory I'm alive. Because I want to be able to remember him each day of my life for as long as I live. I figured he'd be mad if he was watching me right now, sitting on my back side wasting away. I knew it was time to go green again on my life and live it. In memory and on behalf of Byron. 

Next day was Friday, it might have been hot outside but I spent all day in my room. My eyes fixed to my computer. I know that something Byron always wanted to do was help charities. Hence why I spent one of my holidays doing fun runs for different charities, he said we would do them all together and that one day we would have our own charity.

It turns out that making your own charity wasn't as hard as I thought, I looked into all the details and donations what's legal what isn't. How much you invest in it. And finally just before 8 I had a clear idea plan in my head. I wanted to make the Bryon charity for people with cancer and there loved ones left behind. I know so many of these charities have been made a sosurely our charity won't get any more money than any others. But I was determined to make our's amazing. 

I spent dinner time telling mum and dad every detail I had thought out. And they were all for it, to my surprise actually both giving £100 towards it, to help me out. But the rest was up to me. 

I made myself a long list of things to do and when. One being a fun run to get it all started. Which would be held in a weeks time at Bryons old football club. They were all for it. The fun run was themed Disney, I never really had the energy to run any more for some reason I was tired more often. So after making a website and advertising it on the radio and through posters. The fun runs as ready to go. Luckily it was lovely weather hot but a cool consistance breeze. Everything was perfect and was all going to well. 

So many people turned up it actually was ridiculous. I hadn't catered for this many so some people had to share which was funny with the giant hotdogs. But the fun run was my main priority, to enter the race u pay a pound and donations were accepted, after the run and obviously my friend Hannah winning, after her winning county races she didn't seem to surprised and I wasn't either. We totalled up the money and... £1,299. I started crying and couldn't stop myself. We did this all for Bryon and I know he would be so proud, our charity was finally up and on its way.

It's been little while now, greaving isn't so bad  and we've done another fun run raising £1,030 which was amazing. 

 Truth or dare with friend is always fun and my dare was to have my head shaved. But of cause I didn't do this because of the dare, I did it for Byron and to raise money. We raised £600 for me shaving my head and my friend Karen did it too raising £359. My mum kindly videoed and put the video on our website giving us thousands more viewers to our website. 

I got £20 in cash and went to see Bryon the day after my new hair cut.  I sat next to him and just talked for a while. I usually leave flowers on his grave but today in a little chest I left the £20. Just as a token a key ring if you like of our achievements. I didn't cry as much as usual but I couldn't keep it in. 

Later that day I had an afternoon nap and woke up with an ache in my hip, paracetamol solved the problem. Mum also brought be up my favourite strawberry milkshake to get my thoughts moving. On my wardrobe was still my black dress, which I decided to out away. It was hard cause I was almost putting to bed my planned ulogy.

When Karen came over we planned the next fundraiser a sponsored silence day which was very successful lots of people participated and donated it was a very successful day. 

It's been over 2 months and the charity has done so well. We do something at least each month and it's been very successful. I've been to see Bryon everyday this week. It's been nice to have someone to talk to even if he doesn't talk back. I miss him so much and it hurts more than knowing that he isn't there him not responding.

When I went to see him on Friday my mum came with me and sat with me for a while. It was such a lovely day and so peaceful. But that soon all ended. I suddenly felt tight in my chest and struggled to breath, the ache in my hip was agony and for a split second I stopped breathing shut my eyes and went blank. 

Mum said I passed out and was rushed to hospital just in time. But I was in a bad way apparently. Struggling to breath and aching all over. 

The nurse came to give us the results of my Scans and tests. 

'It's cancer, not terminal'...

I froze and struggled to catch my breath. It has got a hold of me. Apparently it was starting to block my lungs and was in my liver and kidney. 

The doctors said it was best that I stayed in hospital till I could comfortably breath. That didn't seem possible every breath was a struggle. Byron was all that went though my mind. I was feeling his pain. Cancer was both a mental and physical 

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