My dear Dufflepod,

Look at you, assigned to a human already! I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for him.  I'm so proud. And to think your school chums and teachers all said you'd never amount to anything. We'll show them, won't we, Duffy?

Your proud Mama

Dearest Dufflepod,

I think there's been some confusion. When I said, "We'll show them," I actually meant show them they are wrong, not show them they're right! Your human is actually thanking and praising God for his good fortune! Your job is to make him curse God--or at least ignore Him! Please consult your manual again. I’m sure you’ll find some good tips there. Pay special attention to the section on “afflicting misfortune.” It gives clear, step-by-step instructions, and I think it will help you immensely. Just follow the steps in order. Make me proud, Duffy!

Mama

Dufflepod,

All right, let me explain this again. You are a demon. You have a human. Your job is to torment him! Not to be his good luck charm! The human has never had it so good, and it’s all because of you!

I took the liberty of sending you a dictionary. Please see the entries for "torment," "harass," “misfortune,” and even "demon." I think you'll find them very enlightening. I also sent your father’s annotated copy of the manual. Perhaps his personal notations will clear up your confusion.

Now stop helping that idiotic human!

Your mother

I don't even know what to say to you, son. You have failed in every way possible. That dumb human has everything he’s ever wanted. The board is calling you back now. Perhaps retraining will help. I'm so disappointed in you.

Dear Mama,

Look who had the last laugh! I tell you, humans are a dumb bunch. They think they know what they want, but the truth is they have no idea. And getting their desires doesn't make them happy or grateful or even content. The human is completely ours now, and I’m getting a promotion! I think they’re even going to rewrite the manual to incorporate some of my ideas.

I may not use standard methods, but I knew exactly what I was doing all along.

Dufflepod