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Gold Girl
Note
This is a test. This is only a test. I appreciate all who have volunteered to give me feedback on Gold Girl. Please leave any comments here. The Prelude and Introduction is up and I apologize for any typos and errors. Also I can't change the format (I know it drives me nuts). I really want everyone to focus on the flow of present tense and if you think it works for this particular part. Please also note any misunderstandings. Does it make you want to read more or nah lol etc.
Full chapter One will be up later this week. Any questions or comments I will respond to them here.
Thanks again.
-Kendra
Prelude
When I was in Kindergarten my teacher asked us to draw ourselves in the future. It was the everyday struggle for the brown crayon because I went to a predominantly brown crayon type of school. We had to take turns using it and I would always go after Kenton 'Mr. Perfect' Johnson. I remember sitting there watching his sweet little ass color in his off brand pink Polo. He would not only take his precious time coloring himself but also his conveniently brown dog and hamster too. God I hated him.
I got so fed up waiting that in that moment, in my six year old mind, I decided I was not going to be brown anymore. I was going to be gold. A beautiful bold gold. Like a young Crayola Picasso I went to town on that paper with the shiniest gold crayon I could find. When I was done I had the most perfect drawing of the future gold Ms. Demery Jones --the award winning writer extraordinaire.
I looked at her for minutes and fantasized what it would be like to be her. And Kenton said to me in his high pitch snot voice “Gold is not a real person color.” And I fiercely whipped my ghetto head full of beads around and said to him “Yo momma ain’t a real person color.”
What I didn't know then is how high I had set the bar for myself. How I would spend the next twenty years of my life trying to be that Gold Girl. The highest honor in the Olympics is the gold medal-- not silver or bronze or trash bag, it is gold.
Gold Girl
noun
1. To be everything you ever dreamed and imagined plus more.
2. To reach your full potential, to be successful, beautiful, happy and wealthy.
3. To be Oprah.
With every breath and mistake made, it is clear that a self-portrait the young me drew was worlds better than the real life me. Deep down inside we all aim to be gold in every aspect of our lives. This is the story about four lost souls trying to find their ways to their golden selves.
I really enjoyed the read. They all seem to suffer I different planes. I had a few sentence structure suggestions, but I am on my phone, so that will have to wait. Again, I can't say enough how relatable these characters are. What I live is that no matter the situation there is always a little wisdom and laughter.
Haha No problem! Knowing how you want the rest of the story to 1st person past tense it might not be necessary to italicize since you would probably end up italicizing the whole thing anyway.
AH Whitney I love you! Lol Okay, you just taught me something about point of view (this is why I should read more) I get exactly what you are saying! The story will be in past tense 1st person (where have I been? I had no idea about these sub categories in tense Lol) BUT just for this intro it is present 3rd. The goal I aim in this intro is to have Demery tell a story about this drunk girl in jail and then admit it is her at the end. I wanted to do this without italics for the action moments but I think that might make it easier to read?? Her narrating in normal text and the actual scene parts in italics? And thank you for that correction!
I enjoyed it. I thought it was relatable and, although the subject matter is sort of sad, the story remained engaging and funny (I laughed out loud several times). I have to say my favorite part is the banter--dialogue. I get a lot more out of the actual conversations than the 3rd person--what I felt like was 3rd person multiple narration (what you think is third person before you get to the end). I think that's the only thing I didn't really like-- the switches between the point of view types. It's not unheard of to use multiple 3rd person point of view types in one story, but it kind of makes it hard to follow (that's just my opinion). I just think it gets a little disjointed when you go from 1st person to 3rd person. The prelude is in past tense, but 1st person and the introduction is in present tense, but 3rd person. (I hope this wasn't confusing!) I think you are a wonderfully charismatic and gifted writer and your ability to create characters that are not only relatable, but that anyone (especially POC) can find sympathetic is TRULY a gift. I would definitely read more!
(Correction: Page 4 ("What woman isn't or hasn't been all those things at some point in their life?"))