beginning. accusation.
restless. snowflake.
haze. flame. breathe.
companion. move.
silver. prepared.
knowledge. denial.
wind. order. gratitude.
friendship. savior.

beginning
accusation
restless
snowflake

the most bitter inhale of a cigarette
is the first
and i know this now because i have tried
it with a friend of a friend of a friend
that i hardly know.

his name is john.
that’s what he tells me.

it is a burning sensation in my
chest, a burning sensation because
i know at the back of my mind that my mother
will kill me if she ever found out but god
i feel so alive and can you

blame me?

my fingers tremble as i put the stick to my lips
and my heart beats so fast i am afraid
that my mother can hear it all the way at home
where she lies in a bed with a man
that is not my father,
but i do not dare fight it,
do not dare reject it,
do not dare say no.

i think about how this will anger her
and it is both the same thought that makes me
shake and makes me inhale the dirty air
anyway. i think about how angry she will be
but god i don’t stop anyway. can you

blame me?

john smiles at me with his pretty pink lips,
and he takes the cigarette from my fingers
because it is his turn. his hands are
faster than mine, but i wouldn’t have stopped
him anyway. he has that look in his eyes that
tells me he wouldn’t have listened, and
i tell myself that he is not the kind of boy
my mother would like to see me with,
but i stay anyway, and can you

blame me?

( later on, i hear the sound of the sirens
but they are so distant compared to
looking at john. later on, i smell the smoke
rising from the rooftops, and i see the
blazing fire, but i do nothing
except smile at the boy in front of me. )

can you blame me?