In the beginning I use to constantly tear myself down in ways that only I knew what to do at certain times, breaking myself down seemed to be the only thing I knew best, so I could constantly rebuild my self-image to correspond with what people thought of me. This was mainly to be more liked or even at times to fit in with certain groups around me. Little too late did I discover or fully understand that those people have nothing to do with me besides befriend me at times. Tearing myself up gave me the impression that the old part of me was history. Then a newer part of me could be reborn with the remains, to what I believed people wanted from me. I never thought that my history or past experiences would impact me as they did but I had tried changing myself so often that even I lost track of learnt lessons.
Once the breakdown process is completed I thought I could rebuild myself in the ways that pleased outsiders, these people constantly frustrated me and got me all worked up at times. Getting frustrated for petty things like those is truly unnecessary but to me it was the little things that mattered the most. Once these people accomplished their goal unconsciously, they left me to deal with the consequences. As I try rebuild myself with more aggression to cope with the dramas I had awaiting me, and I unknowingly released all my frustrations on those I care most about. I however did not acknowledge the hurt or pain an individual such as I could cause, I always thought that I wasn't important enough to do such a thing or have such a great impact on others. The support and encouragement that I receive from the very same people I hurt is unbelievable and makes me feel like a failure when I realize they were only trying to support me as best they could.
Although I have been told to let the past stay in the past I repeatedly unearth these past situations thinking it will make me stronger but it only prevents progression in my life. Previously I used to be more physical with my anger so it could be seen as strengths that are unleashed once I am utterly furious. These aggressive outbreaks eventually caused more damage to my own body than proving my capabilities to others. The aggression that was built up prevented me from actually enjoying the time with family and enjoying the years of childhood that I will never recover. It mainly left me wondering in awe if the family would have been happier without me or would they truly have longed for me if my spirit had been lost in the world of eternal life.