“Get out, I don’t want to see you again!” He screamed and made me shrink in fear.

“What did I ever did to you, tell me I would like to hear your thoughts.” I asked bravely, even though I am scared in the inside.

“You are fucked up, I thought I could fix you, but I can’t fix you because you keep messing things up.” He answered with a dead look staring right at my soul like he can read me like an open book.

“I’m not the only thing that is fucked up.” I stated coldly.

“Tell me, please enlighten me, what is so fucked up about me?” He said with a smirk.

“You went behind my back, didn’t you?” I questioned him and hoping it’s not true.

“What did I do behind your back, come on Ly, be more specific.” He taunted me.

“You fucked another girl, when you got home drunk, and you blurted out that you’re a goddamn drug dealer and need to owe a 5 grand for another dealer.” I said monotone, knowingly that one day he’s going to leave me.

“So, that’s the normal things that I do everyday in my life anyway, you have no control over my life and you cannot change me who I am.” He remarks with a devious smile.

"So tell me, what’s so fucked up about me anyway?” I asked him.

“Remember three years ago, when I said we made a deal?” He asked

“Yeah, what about the deal?” I lied, not knowing what’s the deal.

“You broke the deal.” He stated, with a blank stare.

“What’s wrong about it anyway, it’s not a big deal.” I scoffed, rolling my eyes at him.

“The deal was for us to use each other, no strings attached, but you fell for me.” He stated coldly.

“Then I fell out anyway.” I added, but it’s a lie anyway.

“I didn’t, I fell for you.” He said with grief.

“You can’t fall for me, I’m the darkest soul that ever live, and I’m not capable of loving anyway.” I stated coldly.

“What happened to the girl that I met five years ago?” He asked, but he sounded curious.

“She couldn’t live anymore so her young soul dies, then her demons took place.” I said with a smug.

“I know she still in there, but too scared to show it.” He said angrily.

I took a step closer to him; I knew the fast beating of my heart against my ribcage. I hope he doesn’t hear it because if he did then I’m screwed. I lean toward his ear and kiss the lobe. I whispered in his ear, whispering and making sure he would get the message.

“Get this through your hard headed brain of yours, She’s not coming back and it’s all because of you, her soul was already gone. She suffered so many things and it was eating her alive, so she gave up living.” I sighed.

“What do you mean suffering?” He said with wide eyes.

“Oh, she never told you? This should be fun.” I laughed demonically.

“Why didn’t she?” His face turned into a pure shock.

“You rejected her twice so she never went for the third chances, so when you told her that you like her she rejected you back.” I said with a shrug.

“So what that has to do with me?” He was confused.

“The third time, when you like her she rejected you because she lost the other half of her family.” I sighed

“Oh.” He seems so hesitant.

“So she simply gave up on you.” I smile as I walked away.

“She simply cannot love anymore.” I added and walked out of Quinn's door steps and into my red old ragged jeep.

That was the day she last saw Quinn, and she’s planning hopefully not seeing him again. If they did, her memories will come back and also all of her demons will come back, seeking for revenge.

May 13th, 2013

Dear Sirius,

I miss you so much and it’s been six months since you went to a better place. Life is so hard without you. I’m not the same person who I was since the day that Death took you away. I’ve been depressed, alone, angry, drinking, smoking, and failing school also possibly failing life.

            Now all I’ve been asking myself, who am I? I don’t even know who I am anymore and I’ve been asking myself so many questions, ever since the day your face left Earth. Why you? Out of all of the people on this whole, why does it have to be you? This is my entire fault and I could’ve prevented that from happening. I’m so angry with myself and now I can’t even look myself in the mirror. I took all the blame for your death even though I didn’t cause it, but I took the blame because I knew not even one simple call would save you.

            Why did I do that? But then why did you? So many questions still remains unanswered.

            I hope I can talk to you again later because I need to do my homework.

I took a deep breath and close my black ragged journal and stuffed in my bag.  I lean back against the chair and close my eyes thinking that I took a big step letting all my feelings in this crappy piece of journal. I grab my IPod; I stuffed my ear buds in my ears and hear Black Veil Brides blasting into my ear playing “Lost it all.” I hummed along to the lyrics until I heard my name being called out.

“Lyre!” A booming voice called out.

I sighed and rolled my eyes and shouted out.

“What do you want?” I shouted.

I heard the footsteps coming up the stairs and knocks on my door as my mom voices ring behind the door.

“Ly, I made your favorite dinner and please come downstairs, and he wouldn’t like if you stayed in your room and barely leave for school, bathroom, or little snacks.” Her voice shows a hint of sadness.

“Okay I will come out, I will be down in a few minutes.” I sighed giving up.

I walk around my room and spotted a picture of Sirius and I hugging and our body was painted in many different colors. I smiled at the memory when we had paint war every year for my birthday. It was the best memory that I ever had with him. I shed my unnoticed tears and quickly wipe them away. I quickly sniffled and took a deep breath and let it out. I walked out of my bedroom door and accidentally bumped into my older brother Atlas.

“Finally, you’re out from the black hole.” He remarked.

“Shut up, I’m doing this for mom and no one ask you to speak anyway.” I speak coldly.

“Damn sister, the darkness changed you.” He shook his head and gave me a saddest face I have ever seen. He look so heartbroken, maybe I shouldn’t say that.

“Sorry, I wasn’t really in the mood, but then again sorry I snapped at you.” I gave him a reassuring smile.

“ You have every right to and plus you’re in a bad state.” His smile filled with grief.

“You didn’t deserve that anyway.” I bowed my head down and made my way to the bathroom to fix my appearance.

I stared at myself at the mirror and may I say I look fucked up. My black hair is knotted up along with my dull hazel eyes and puffed up red circle that looks like that I’ve been crying the whole time. I look so bony because I rejected so much food and I lost my appetite. I tend to have bright hazel eyes and average figure when he’s around but since that day I knew I had already lost myself and there’s not going back. I sighed and took a royal blue brush and brushed through my hair and struggling to get the knots out. When I finished brushing my hair I set it down and saw so many hair that I pulled hair due to many knots in my hair.

             I freshen up and look at myself in the mirror; I didn’t feel the same as I was a few months ago. I shook my head and walked out of the bathroom, I went down the stairs then I paused for a second, leaning against the railing to relieve myself from the commotions. I blinked for a few time as I walked into a dining room with my mother and my brother. I sat down my usual seat on the left side of the table and an empty seat next to me makes me want to cry and lock myself in my room.

              Mom sighed and trying not to cry that dad is gone and two of my siblings as well gone. Atlas was staring into the abyss into his thoughts but he look guilty behind those dull blue eyes. Atlas’s hair was black and oily due to not washing his hair. His tall figure became bony due to not eating and rejecting so much food. The black circle around his eyes became darker as if he didn’t sleep at all. Luckily, His piercing was still in and cleaned like, eyebrow bar, septum, and his spider bites is all in good health.  Mom became work-alcoholic and her looks were quite deceiving because her long ratted blonde hair and her dull hazel eyes and there’s a black circles around her eyes and she is thin and she look like she haven’t gotten a break from working and I am concern but, now she decided today is the day we will have family spending time but just a three of us.

“Ever since, your father, Stella, Nash, and Sirius had gone and they are in a better place now, they are safe in their paradise.” Mom sobbed through incoherent words.

Atlas look down to his food and his face is filled with disgust. He started mumbling to himself saying ‘It should’ve been me, not them.’ Then, few seconds later his face turns to regrets. A single tear fell out of his eye and trying to blink away the tear that is already forming. As we are sitting on cherry wood chair along the table and the fine china already placed in front of us with Alfredo chicken along with fresh salad on the side. My black mug is filled with iced green tea, which is the only think that I would drink, water as well.

             I quietly picked up the fork and played with my food showing no interest in it. Atlas was staring at his food and his face shows no hunger was written across his face. Now there used to be laughter and smiles, but now there is sadness, quiet, and it’s not the same anymore and it’s all because of my fault.

‘It’s your fault, you’ve shouldn’t call him anyway.’ My subconscious reminded me.

‘It’s all your fault, you put your own brother through his traumatic accident.’ They added.

I whispered to myself and not making me believes in them. I tried to ignore them but they come back for more like they are haunting my own mind.

'You made him saw his family dead and he’s the only survivor in that fatal car accident, what kind of sister are you?’  The haunting voice asked me but I shrugged it away and pretending not hearing the voices in my head.

“Well, can I be excuse?” I said unexcitingly.

“You can, Lyre.” Mom said in monotone voice.

I jumped up and ran up the stairs and quickly zoomed into my bedroom and locked behind me. I ran to the bed as I reach toward the pillow to cry on.

‘Why don’t you tell them how they died?’  They taunted me.

‘You should die not them, they wouldn’t notice that you’re here anyway.’ They hissed at me, breaking me in half.

‘Your own family can’t even look at you in the eyes, I wonder they knew the truth behind the caused of death.’ They said to me, I cried myself to sleep knowing that I killed half of my family because of me. I got up from the bed and headed to my workspace and pulled out the old ragged black journal and wrote:

‘Sirius, sometimes I even wonder why I’m still living even though when I’m supposed to be dead. I’m the one who caused the family to fall apart and they won’t even look at me in the eyes. Why did you leave the Earth? I should be the one leaving not you because you have so much to live for, not me. I’m sorry but it’s true I should be dead and you should be living. I’m sorry for what I did to you, Stella, Nash, and Dad. You’re nineteen and you should be in Yale, majoring law. Stella, my other twin also she didn’t deserve to die as well. She should be at home and caring her boyfriend but instead he is grieving. Nash, younger brother didn’t deserve to die. He’s only eleven years old and too young to die. He never experiences his first love, heartbreak, his dreams, graduated middle school and high school. My mom is a wreck without dad. I miss dad and his funny jokes, sarcasm, and his procrastination. I felt like nothing without you guys. I’m sorry if I caused this, but I hope I will see you again soon.’

         I closed the ragged journal and put it back into a drawer that I opened. I walk toward to my bed and lay. I wonder if I ever look up the ceiling and think that what would be like if they were still living right now. Sure my family wouldn’t be stuck in the gutter anymore, but would I still be happy when the families back to normal?

'I wouldn’t be happy because all of the people in my family compare me to someone I don’t want to be.’

So therefore:

“I’m not perfect enough for my family, no matter how hard I tried I’m still not perfect.”