I'm not to sure where to start
Self harm is a hard topic but I feel this needs to be said
My mother told me as a child's I was different I did things in an odd way
The doctors said I was a candidate for depression from a very young age
I'd find myself in a rage cutting at my skin
It started with small scratches as I cried
This is ever triggering to write so I apologies for the crude details
I remember being ashamed of myself wishing I never did this to myself something I tried to remember as the urge filled my body
I'd sit in the school toilets with the door locked and my feet pulled onto the toilet seat so no one would know I was there as I cut at myself more
I though it was normal to feel this was I'd get home from school and lay on my bed questioning why I was here
I didn't want to die but I didn't want to be here I still feel like this sometimes but it's gotten better I've gotten better
This doesn't mean I am better
I know many people feel like this
I know it's hard to get help
Even as I write this that lump in my throat is making it hard
As you cry sitting in the shower to hide the sound you wonder if the day will come that you work up the courage to end it all or you wish you were happy you wish everything was okay wishing you were okay
And it will YOU will be.
One thing holding you back is the people around you not there support but the feeling of shame
What if it didn't work?
What would you say? How do you explain ypur not okay that you need help?
How do you ask for help without feeling needy without feeling like a failure?
Is it posible?
No I don't think it is but that's what makes it so hard.
I was told by doctors I had anger problems
But why? So young yet so hurt so sad so angry
It was me I was mad at myself but I still ask why?
After years of hiding my body I was told I had depression
Yet again why me? Was I not happy with myself?
With the people around me? Or did it have nothing to do with me?
So many questions
So little answers
I though I was born this was or maybe I learned this behaviours from someone.
I know it's hard god it's hard but you have to reach out you have to ask for help
It's not your fault you feel this was
The only people who will wonder why are the people who don't understand the ones that think it's for attention
Why would You destroy your body for a peace of mind you'll never have?
Why would I tare at my own skin for attention?
Why would I hide myself behind clothing if I wanted eyes on me?
This is a very short "story" but some poplar need to hear this people like you people like me
Everyone has a storey mine happens to be a short one