How can I kill myself if I'm already dead ? I'm just a empty body walking around this world. Pain is an allusion what we see is an allusion what we feel, taste, hear, and smell It's all fake. what we see before are eyes is not real, you could be dead right now and still be living in an allusion. why are people born to die? To live ha don't make me laugh are we alive learning to survive to die and be revived in are mind even though we died. An allusion the cycle that never ends it's a movie where we live and die not even knowing is there a limit to how many times we die till we are actually died? How many times have I died how many times have you died. Nothing seems right these days. why work are asses of to eat something that won't be there next week and then it's a never ending repeat just to feed. And what about sleep is that are only thing we have of dreaming so we don't have to repeat or eat, or taste then it stops. Ha stop, It kinda reminds me of live stocks how many times are cows and etc of animals gonna fear for there lives just so we can be satisfied just for 3 hours are tummy wants more. give it something better, ha cloths for fashion we really don't need how is that gonna help us survive yah it will help them to live in fashion. how can other animals kill each other and we kill animals but we can't even kill are kind. human lives matter they say theses days but animals are like us they have minds and souls teeth that tremble when they see there friends and family get turned into meat or get eat. animal abuse, child abuse isn't that the same thing ha we are worse then animals and we call are selfs better then a stupid sheep, pig, cow because you think that's all they know how to do is pop, pee, eat, sleep, WORK! don't we do the same thing? aren't we live stocks feeding are internment with something we should all be ashamed of tv, phones oh and don't forget about social media. yah that would have been sad if I would had for gotten about "social media" ew don't make me puke how much time are u gonna be on ur phone just to be mute. why don't u go outside and play, go and watch the view the beautiful sky's ur missing too. How many people are not satisfied because we don't have enough MORE! Is what we all tell each other. secretly kill more people with lies, bullies, truth that are rude and don't want to be told. How many lives are u gonna take and not even know that u are taking them until ur satisfied FOOD not ENOUGH! TV, MONEY, INTERTAMENT, SLEEP ITS NOT ENOUGH!? It's not. we make each other sick just by looking at each other look at the world from a top highly point of view and tell me how many people are dieing because of us count how many people u see falling of a brige, cliffs, getting hit, ditched, stolen, found tell me how many till we all fall down. Tell me how you feel when u have stepped in every shoe because I wanna know. Did it get to you? I don't mean to be rude but the birds see it better than we do.

 Everyday I have this one habit. putting on a smile why smile when ur hurting inside when u wanna cry but u can't 2 reasons #1 to let everyone know ur okay that ur happy #2 my body tells me "your okay, ur not hurting, forget about it, stop overthinking things, your fine, ur not sad, forget about ur problems and smile" that's one of the worst habits anyone can have. why? for me what my body is doing is holding things in without me knowing. my body wants me to suffer in pain and sadness it wants me to hurt and soon as I'm not hurting anymore I close my eyes for one second and see the fear my mind gives me I have 2 minds not a 6 sense although I do have that the second mind tempers with my first mind by making me forget and when I forget. I have conflict with others and that itself is creating pain for me to cast aside on accident and it keeps going and going and the second mind already knows what I fear. Is going back too the way I use too be so when people say I'm "self sabotaging myself" I do it on accident it's not my fault that's another thing that might drive me crazy is when I get the feeling of being blamed of something that I didn't do. even if I did it. I did it on accident don't forget I have 2 minds if I did something on accident I forget and then more conflict but I don't need meds to help me. I don't want it I want too do it on my own so I don't have too keep relying on meds that run out that costs. No! I want something free I don't want my life to revalue around drugs. I don't want to have something keeping me in stable. because how can I learn how to keep myself in stable when I'm on meds that's something I myself need too work out.

 What have u been doing living under a rock? getting out of ur shel yah it won't be easy  Society is different from what u knew 12years ago yah it's not easy all this tv, magazines, rich ppl , kimkardashin or whatever and the worst social media, music too. delete them all for 2years the world would be a little more better but since we have all of that and it's not going anywhere ur doomed. there's more conflict than ever, more violence, more disgusting filth that crawls it's way in the world it's a joke thinking u can go outside and still see the world as u use too see it ur right. it is hard and I don't know ur reason of why u isolated urself for 12years so I don't have much too say but the world isn't how it was back then and it's not gonna get better than now. not back then or in the future nothing dosnt stop it never dose things are changing time isn't gonna stop for ppl who isolated for that long the numbers grow higher levels grow taller the clock dosnt stop ticking nothing stops till the day u die numbers don't go down because nobody dosnt want then to go down for example 5$ to kill ppl, ppl who are desperate for higher numbers will be the richest. more money theres only one way going up or down witch way would u go? Going up that ppl lust of being the best or going down where ppl upper than u who can't See u and look down on you. They think they get the upper hand because they have more status than you ppl look up not down ppl need higher things. We need ppl to survive thats what this world is and  just imagine the future if all that is the case now.