Qotd: "I hate myself, but I can't tell you that. You'd tell me not to, but you don't understand."

-Anonymous 

Ella Stevens POV 

She looked at me like I was normal, and that was all I ever wanted. 

I looked at her confused; no one ever looked at me like they were trying to understand the pain I was going through before.

She'd just met me and was already feeling pain at my cost.

She wasn't those girls at school who'd judge me for my weight. She was a girl who cared for people much like myself.

"Hi I'm Emma" I told her when my stomach growled, but I ignored it "and you are__?" I asked questioningly "Danielle, but you may call me Annie." Annie replied, She must've heard my stomach growling as she was looking through her mini cupboard. 

I was going to ask her what she was doing, but then I saw her come out with Kraft dinner in her hands and I couldn't resist.

"You look quite skinny" she told me whilst shaking her head "and not the good kind" she added.

I looked at her and smiled as she made the package of Kraft Dinner and placed it into two bowls; grabbing two forks she stuffed one in each bowl and handed it to me.

"You want to know why, I'm guessing" I asked her knowingly. 

But instead she removed the fork filled with macaroni out of her mouth and said "I'm not here for you to tell me why, I'm here for you to tell and spill everything that's happened to you. Think of me not like a physiatrist but as a friend." 

I looked at her uncertain. "Ignore the fact I'm here" she said, and added "treat me like how one would treat a diary or almost friend that they just saw after a lengthy amount of days or years."

I closed my eyes and spoke 

They looked and judged my every move.

Till I couldn't take it any longer, they had judgemental stares gaze down at my ugly body.

Then it happened.

As I walked into the lunchroom with a tray that was decorated with fries, on top of the mountain was one large burger.

I took my seat next to the elongated window near the schools lobby.

I ate in silence which was kind of uncomfortable. When a girl came to me "why so much?" She asked, I stared at her for a moment. 

The next moment I saw her she grabbed the mashed  potatoes from her own tray and dumped it on my fiery red hair.

I looked at her weirdly okay with what she just did.

I shrugged my shoulders and went to the lockers.

I grabbed my spare clothes from my locker and ran towards the washroom.

When I reached, I knocked on all the bathroom doors to make sure they were empty.

I quickly closed the bathroom door and locked it after realizing nobody but myself was their.

I looked at my potato covered body in the mirror and rinsed my face and hair with water.

After washing myself in the nearest school shower, I exited and changed into my black hoodie and black pants.

I looked at myself in the mirror when I finished changing. 

I took of my hoodie and through my undershirt I could see the fatness of my body.

I didn't dare judge the girl who'd told me that I ate too much as she was correct all along.

I walked out of the bathroom and jogged back into the lunchroom where I threw out the burger and fries that were still on my plate.

Then left the lunchroom head down ready for a new life. A better one.

Forward to this year at school

I'd changed immensely these past three years. I'd never eat anything greater than an apple, orange or a few strawberries. 

It showed well though. Whereas before when you could see the bump on my stomach from fatness.

You could see my bony skin that looked hairy. A few things that mingled with what I thought were the measly words of anorexia.

But after a while into the process I didn't get hungry. That was fine for a little while but then someone found out.

Then everyone gazed at me differently, somewhat perplexed. 

So if your wondering how or why I got anxiety. It's because no one ever looks at me like I'm sane. No one ever looks at me the way you are doing so right now.

To Be Continued.....

 QOTD: "My biggest fear, is that you'll see me the way I see myself"

-Anonymous 

Declan Ordeveruso's POV

I walked into the office I'd never been to before.

I closed the glass door when I saw a girl that was most likely nineteen or twenty put away a golden folder with the name "Ella" on it.

I sat down and said "hey names Declan" she turned around and nodded.

"Hi, Names Daniella yet you can call me Annie; all my friends do." I looked at her confused. I wasn't notified that I was her friend and not her patient.

"I'm not here to ask you why you are the way you are." Annie said slowly; I looked at her confused as she continued "I'm here to be your friend.", "I'm here to be your diary; or think of me as an old teacher that you haven't spoken to in a while and want to inform them everything that is going on in the life of Declan."

I looked at her uncertainty clear in my eyes. She nodded her head at me comfortingly. Almost like she knew I secretly wanted to tell her but was too scared to.

Then I started the story of how it became my reality.

3 years ago

I walked into school and everyone stared at me.

They looked at me differently than they did the year before.

They looked as if I was someone who didn't belong among the rich kids of Boulevard Trails High.

So I gazed at their posh outfits that didn't match the label of the school, as I pushed past them. 

They looked at my hair that sat nearly grey and my teeth that weren't as white as theirs were.

I had to be like them; was the feeling I had whenever their gazes fixated on mine.

At school everyone wasn't average, they were smarter than a class filled with grade twelves. 

I watched as a guy flipped his hair from the front as he fixed his grey suit. 

I looked right, I saw a girl with long blonde hair have people paint her nails that weren't even going to our school. 

I guessed this because of how they looked, one of them had an arched back and the other had somewhat of a limp.

And that's how my anxiety started. A very stupid way people could say but it still was a form of anxiety.

As I was about to finish my story two girls walked into the room. 

"Ohh my goddd" the one with the braid said laughing with the one with the Dutch braids. The one who spoke earlier spoke again "Annie you won't believe it! I saw the hottest guy!" The one with the Dutch braids fanned her face as it turned bright red. 

I coughed;

Then they both looked at me confused. "Oh we're so sorry if this is a bad time!" 

"We're gonna go now." The one with the braid said. 

"Bye Wren, Bye Lia!" Annie said shaking her head while chuckling to herself.

I laughed along with her and then continued in a more serious tone. 

This school year

I arrived at school around 8:30. I styled my newly brown coloured hair away from the sun kissed tanned skin on my face.

I pulled on my leather jacket after pulling on a t-shirt and jeans.

I walked into school. I finally fit in no one stared at my once off white teeth, except everyone saw my pearly white teeth.

It was everything everyone else wanted and expected. But it wasn't what I wanted. After all it wasn't me being me.

"How is that relevant though?" She asked unsure, I continued my story.

But instead everyone forgot who I used to be and thought of me as a jock who was too perfect.

Everyone would STILL look at me and judge depending on what I'd wear or do. 

No one would ever tell me that I was imperfect. Even in class. But I was okay with that. 

But what I did was being judged immediately after something being done.

No one looked at me like I was normal. But like I was a king. 

And that's what I never wanted nor needed.

To be continued....