Being Heart Broken Is A Lifestyle


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Unspoken words

   I sat there nervous as I saw his face I remember feeling like the air was being sucked out of my lungs. He walked closer and closer to me until he was so close that I could hear his heartbeat. His heart was going so fast I almost confused it for my own.

In that moment nothing was in my mind and I could see nothing but him. Him just standing there not knowing how to begin to tell me what he wanted to. It appeared that actions could speak louder than his words and that is exactly what he did. He told me everything he had been holding inside him for so long with a simple kiss. That kiss meant the world to him and I could tell by the way his body was shaking that he was nervous about my reaction. But what could I do? I enjoyed that more than I could ever explain with words. So I did as he did and responded with actions. I laid a big one on him and soon we were both just standing there in our own little world. Just two souls connecting in the most innocent yet pleasing way possible. I could tell this was something he dreamt of many times before by the way he kept pulling me closer. I felt a rush running through my entire body as if he were slowly touching every inch of my body with his gentle hands. And that right there was the beginning, the beginning of a saddening heart break.

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Breaking Apart

     He broke my heart so much it became a lifestyle. Something that I didn't even realize was happening anymore. It was like I was in a trance, blocked away from the rest of the world. Where the only thing I could think of was how deeply I continued to fall for him. Putting aside all the bullshit he put me through because that's what I believed love was at the time.

 I was a worm in a world of birds. Different from everyone else and not fully developed enough to know the reality of things, how things really were. Everything in my head just kept spinning. I couldn't think of a good reason why he would purposely hurt me. I was trapped in the mindset of thinking a person could change if you just love them hard enough. So I began to blame myself for his wrong doings. Hating myself more and more for not loving him hard enough for him to change his ways. The harder I tried the more he seemed to slip away. 

It came to a point where my mind went from a loving place to a hating place. The day finally came where his kisses didn't bring me that amazing rush, but instead brought me flashbacks to all the things he'd done to me. I've gone from loving him endlessly to hating him so much I couldn't even look at him straight. That's when all the pain finally kicked in. When I actually felt every last stab in the back, every last one all at once. That was when the heartbreak felt real. When everything in my mind clicked. I could feel as if my heart was being torn out my chest causing every vein to pop in the process. 

From there on came the worst part. Having to face him and pretend that the pain wasn't there. Putting on a mask just for the purpose of not allowing him to see how badly he broke me. Thy shall never give him the satisfaction of seeing you broken. Don't let him feel like he won. Yup, those were my mottos. The heartbreak was still vividly there, but at least so was the mask. As the inflicted pain managed to remain it's rightful place in my heart, I was very certain of one thing and one thing only. Actions do speak louder than words, yet I allowed his words to speak louder than his actions. He'd shown me nothing but disrespect and unfaithfulness and told me anything I wanted to hear. Those turned out to be lies, but I had believed in them and had ignored my own wisdom. How could I've done this to myself? The very cause of my heart break was due to misleading. Maybe I didn't love him hard enough to make him change or maybe I let his words prevent me from seeing through him. Whose to say, however, that it wasn't real? The image of him demonstrating how he felt about me is still very vivid in my mind. So is my own reaction to his unspoken words. Those will always feel real to me because although my heart is broken he still managed to fix it before destroying it again. With all that being said I believe is fair to say that with all that's happened, me being heart broken is nothing more than a crazy lifestyle.

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