Self Destruction


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There are feelings we get sometimes that are somewhat difficult to explain. More or less difficult to interpret. I remember feeling this way all the time. Having feelings that I couldn't even explain, whether that was excessive frustration, excessive stress, excessive anger, excessive depression or even excessive anxiety. All I really could tell you about them is that they are all excessive. 

My mind being trapped all the time, in a space where light isn't ever welcome is very overwhelming. But who could ever understand that? Who can tell me that there can be light in the darkest of places in my mind? Who out there could possibly understand and feel empathy towards the circumstances my own mind creates for itself as a form of self destruction? No one out there can ever assure me of comprehending my mind because I don't even comprehend my mind. I don't appreciate myself because my own mind plays tricks on me to make me hate everything I do in my life. I can't smile long enough without my mind screaming from inside me to cause me to break apart in nervousness. My mind is like a self-inflicted bullet wound that's on an endless loop, except for the fact that the physical pain felt by the bullet wound seems more managaeble and more easily controlled. My mind however is a crazy maze, an impossible to solve math equation. Something so damaging that it's become almost impossible to ignore, yet something I can't live without. It's become a part of my identity, a perfect reflection of who I've become and will never forget. It's become my biggest weakness. I’m my own biggest weakness and my own biggest enemy. 

There's a thing about these dark feelings that attract my attention so much. I always wonder why that was, but I've come to figure it out. It's because I've been trapped in these dark places for so long that I've become immune to the places of light. Im so use to the dark that I can't even distinguish what light looks like. My interpretation of light is darkness and for those who can't see darkness they are to be eternally grateful because once your mind finds it's way into a dark place. It's going to be very hard for it to find it's way back. Once the battle with darkness enters your mind get ready for...the self destruction.

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