I open my eyes. I feel a throbbing pain at the back of my head. I would reach up to touch it but my hands are bound behind my back. I’m tied to a chair in a very dark room. How did I end up..?
The creature pacing backwards and forwards in front of me is more beautiful than anything I have ever seen. He emanates joy from every cell in his tall, glowing body. He has long, folded wings which seem to separate and rearrange the air around them as he paces. But he doesn’t look happy.
“Ah, you’re awake,” he says, turning towards me. The sound is like a million choirs singing the most beautiful tune ever written. Tears stream down my face and my heart feels as though it’s growing so fast it might burst out of my chest. I sigh. I can do nothing but smile up at this wondrous creature.
In the back of my mind a voice quietly mentions that this creature has obviously knocked me out and tied me to a chair. The rest of my mind ignores the voice.
The angel tuts. It makes my heart sing.
“Ugh. Can you please stop that!” he says.
I sigh again deeply and smile at him.
“I said, STOP!”
This time his voice changes. The word “stop” sounds more like a chorus of angry, ravenous beasts. I freeze and hold my breath. I dare not move a muscle.
The angel is no longer pacing back and forth. Now he stands before me, glorious and terrifying.
“Now,” he says in a much quieter voice. “We need to figure out what you have done and how we can fix it.”
I concentrate hard for a moment, trying to piece together how I ended up here. The last thing I remember is being in the hotel room with Candice. Now I’m being interrogated by a angel. I am trying hard not to piss him off.
“What is the last thing you remember?” the angel asks.
“I was with, erm, a friend,” I try to dress it up a bit nicer.
“She accidentally knocked a few things off the table with her leg.” I smile to myself for a moment remembering flashes of the evening. Candice was a bit of a wild one, no lie.
“Was this amongst them?” The angel is holding up what appears to be a bookmark.
“I don’t remember,” I reply.
“TRY HARDER!” I wince for a second and close my eyes.
“OK, OK. I guess it could have fallen out of the Bible on the table?”
I try hard to remember but all I get are images of cocaine and Candice.
The angel begins pacing again. He stops, suddenly and places his hand on my head.
Images of the night flood my memory. They flash past at light speed but I instantly know each one in depth. I remember everything now. From the lines of coke on Candice’s stomach to the gorgeous, coy brunette in the strange clothing.
“Oh shit.” I can’t think of anything better to say.
Gabriel seems now to know exactly what happened now too. He places his hands on his beautiful face and makes the most sorrowful sound I have ever heard.
“I told her that God would be the father of her son. I didn’t tell her that he would appear in a flash in the night looking like a dishevelled drug addict,” he says. “I need to change this.”
He looks up to the sky and reaches out his hands. “Please!”
I sit there for a moment watching the angel Gabriel plead towards the heavens but nothing happens.
Obviously Jesus Christ, son of Dave has a nice kind of ring to it.
I gaze upon the beautiful but dejected face of God’s angel one more time. “Erm, can I go home now?”