I once gave a piece of my heart to you. Keep it and don’t lose it. Even if you’re holding it loosely between your finger tips, just don’t lose it. Do you remember when we spoke everyday? There was hardly a moment where we wouldn’t be talking. I’ve never forgotten how much you made me smile and how much security you gave. Even in the lowest of times, you were there.
When I had my emotional breakdowns because of family and fights in school. You were there to pick me up and reassure me, remember those times I thought I would drown in textbooks and still not understand anything? You took the time to teach me until I got it, even if it took hours you never lost your patience with me.
You distracted me from reality when it got too rough and suddenly made things okay again, I've always wondered "How did you do that?". You made me laugh with ease, as if you always knew exactly what to say so naturally. When you were going through hard times, I wanted to be there for you too so I tried my hardest. We leant on one another. I'm not sure if you felt security relying on me but it made me happy feeling like I did and I wished to stay that way for as long as we could. We told each other things we've never told others before, and I liked that. No... I loved that.
There were many times when I really wanted to see you, just to feel the warm touch of your comfort. Times I wished I could run to you and just cry it all out. I wanted to be your safety net and comfort like you were for me and to be there for you if you ever needed a helping hand, but we were always too far apart. We only communicated through texts and phone calls, we could never be together in person. I wonder if my words ever made you smile like yours did to me.
I hoped that when we fell in love with other people that we'd still exist in each others lives. I wanted to remain important to you and meet the person you fall in love with. I wanted to tell you how happy I was for you. To be the one you could always trust no matter what. We were siblings. Brother and sister. We were fine with that. Why? Because that's all we needed to be close, we didn't want anymore than that. We were happy.
Then she came into your life, the one you fell in love with. I was fine with it for as long as she made you happy, until I realised that my place was being slowly erased. I was fading away from your life, simply because I’m a girl. I was being thrown away. Used and unneeded. Everyone accused me of being jealous of her, and so did you. You began to step back, eventually every step I took towards you, you stepped twice until we got to somewhere I didn't think we'd ever be. Acquaintances. Strangers. Nothing.
They were right, you were right. I was jealous of her, I was green with envy. It wasn’t that you loved each other so dearly that I was jealous of. I was jealous that she had all your attention and that you no longer had a little sister, I feared of being forgotten. My fear began before I had even known of it and before I realised, you’d already left me in the past. I was suddenly seen as a rival without wanting to be, all I wanted was to have the person who used to laugh at stupid things with me back in my life. The familiar person I relied on for years, I wanted my older brother back.
I would have been happy as friends but we haven't spoken in years now. I hear from others that you've been doing well, I'm glad. I hear you've found someone that you truly love now; treat her well, shower her with your love, security and comfort. Tell her its okay and hold her close when she's crying, be with her through it all. Tell her she will always have a place in your heart. Like you have in mine, I realise now that maybe I wasn't as significant in your life as I thought I was.
Now I have accepted being forgotten by you and thought to myself; perhaps you meant more to me than I ever have to you, maybe I've always been just like everyone else in your life and maybe I didn't know you as well as I thought. Perhaps I had given myself more credit than I deserved. I’ve had a few attempts at bringing back what I thought we had, but I've had no luck. I want to know how things changed, was I just daydreaming it all?
I've also found someone to love now, someone I dedicate every step I take and every breath I breathe to. Someone I want to wake up next to every morning and eat my three meals a day with for the rest of my days. Someone who makes me laugh and smile like you once did. When I cry he holds me close and strokes my hair, when I'm sick he nurses me to health. You'd be happy for me too.
Even though we couldn’t be together in person; when I needed to be held and needed someone to stroke my hair, you were there. Some would say I was a foolish child who didn't know better. I'll just say “he was here and he still is” because you'll always have a place in my heart. As the older brother who looked after me and if I could ever get that back, I'd welcome him with open arms as his little sister who never grew out of playing house.
I wouldn't mind reliving the pain again.
Your Little Sister.
I'd like the thank Dan, Andre and James for helping me proofread and motivate me to finish this. I couldn't have done it without you guys. x