Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 9:20 am Post subject: Re: The story of lorib

My experience with MI 

My brother had a psychotic break in the 1970's and never got better. He was put on lithium after 6 years and was lucid for a brief period before he died doing something very risky. 

I was so excited that even though I was so drugged up I was a zombie for months, I came back from outerspace and was basically the same as before. I don't have "meltdowns" like I used to, but right now I have a very low-stress lifestyle. 

My parents didn't believe in mental illness when my brother was ill and are still in a lot of denial. My Dad thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. 

I have a lot of MI in my family. I have sz cousins. I have a nephew with delusional depression and another on lithium w/o a dx. Many of my neices and nephew are on SSRI's. 

My Father is almost definitely undiagnosed bp and I suspect one of brothers is, too. They fit the descriptions of typical bp more than I do. 

My Mother is the queen of denial and only wants to hear good news. It's frustrating. I don't understand it. 

My Dad has congestive heart failure. He was having trouble breathing and as soon as my sister got there, my Mom went out to get her hair done and go to a birthday party. 

My other sister has an autoimmune disorder . When she has a good day she can play sports, but when she has a bad day she can't get out of bed. My Mom only talks about how active my sister is, even if she just got out of the ICU. 

My Mom was upset when I was hospitalized, because it delayed her vacation. 


I truely thought the books on bp weren't very accurate, and that I was a more common presentation of bp, because that's the way MI typically presents in my family. 

I have dysphoric manias (or mixed episodes?). I get anxious, impulsive, irritable, paranoid and can get psychotic. I think my dx is really bpI (I don't know if my pdoc has changed it). 

Before I was diagnosed, I thought I was hyper sometimes and "fuzzy headed" other times. I would have "meltdowns" where I couldn't deal with anything and I felt I had to change everything. I would move, change jobs etc, frequently. I just thought I hadn't found my niche. 

I really don't know much about bp. I just copy and paste a lot. My pdoc and I don't discuss dx. I just describe my symptoms. I don't care what they call it as long as the treatment works. I don't know where I would be w/o mood stabilizers. 

Sometimes it seems like you need a degree in psychology to post on these boards. And, some people here are *so* smart. I'm somewhat intimidated to post. 

I started posting because I was excited that I was doing well after a psychotic break, since I've seen some very bad cases of MI where they never got better. 

I wanted to understand more about what I could expect. I still don't know because it seems to vary between individuals. I've always had a very good prognosis. Even when I had a bad episode recently, I recovered pretty quickly. 

I have a lot of anxiety and with the suggestions from this board, I've resumed therapy. 

I did talk therapy for a year, but I don't think I got much from it. 

My pdoc referred me to a new tdoc. 

I've only had one appointment, but it seemed to go well. At first, I thought he was mainly a businessman. He had me fill out forms before the meeting and most of it was about billing. 

He helped me set a goal and then he'll give me small tasks toward reaching the goal. He also pointed out that there are a lot of other people who feel like me and that I'm not alone. 

I'm still dealing with bills from July 2003, when I was first hospitalized. I have good insurance and everything was pre-approved, but the hospitals weren't billing properly. Fortunately my husband is dealing with it. By this point I would have thrown up my hands and just paid the bills even though we don't really owe the money. 

My husband is very supportive and I know it would be much more difficult without him.

Forum: The Medicine Cabinet   Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 11:02 am   Subject: Re: What meds do you take?

200 mg lamictal 
250 mg depakote 
1 mg klonopin 

I'm hoping to wean down to just lamictal

Forum: Self-Maintenance & Self-Management   Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 11:04 am   Subject: Re: SUNDAY WEIGH IN.....

I've lost all the weight I gained after I started taking meds. 
I lost 25 lbs since November doing the Atkins diet.

Joined: 30 Jan 2004
Posts: 1714
Location: California

Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2004 8:38 am Post subject: Update on me (reposted from DBSA) M

I was diagnosed BPII after a psychotic episode last July where I had visual and auditory hallucinations and became very paranoid. I was put on risperdal and zoloft and started having racing thoughts, which led to the diagnosis. 

My family and I drove 6 hours to my sisters' house for Easter. The last time I went on a rode trip was last July, when I became very paranoid and ended up hospitalized. Fortunately this trip was uneventful. 

I was worried it would be awkward at my sisters' because I haven't seen some of my family members since July. I was worried they would be observing me, but it was fine. We had a good time and everyone told me I looked good. 

Then, my husband and I went on vacation for a week. We left the kids (2 and 5) with my parents for a few days and then they stayed with my brothers' family. They have a daughter my daughters' age. 
 
When I saw my psychiatrist I told him that since my diagnosis it seems that bipolar has become the focus of my life. He said it will always be a part of my life, but as time goes on it won't be such a big part. 

We've finally come to a combo of drugs we are both happy with, so he's not going to adjust them anymore. He said I had been in the acute phase but now I'm in the maintenance phase. 

Posted: Fri Apr 30, 2004 9:31 pm Post subject: Thought on denial (reposted from DBSA)

Before I was diagnosed I was a working Mom and seemed to be handling things well. My sister realized I wasn't well over the phone and talked to me until I realized I was hallucinating. I was terrified and suddenly I couldn't drive or talk (but I could write). I became paranoid of My sister and my parents. I was angry at them. I felt that if they had just left me alone I would have been fine. It wasn't until now, with a clearer perspective, that I realize I hadn't been well. I was delusional and hallucinating until they intervened. And people wouldn't keep asking if you're okay if you weren't acting strange. 

I've been told this is a life-long illness that you have to control. I thought all I had to do was take my medications and go to my appointments. I didn't understand that I have to monitor my moods and deal with them so I won't get manic again. 

Before I was diagnosed when I was stressed at work, I would run around like a chicken with it's head chopped off. It was noticeable but no one seemed to think it was serious. Looking back, I see I've had supervisors that gave me shifts with lighter schedules to reduce stress, but I didn't see it at the time. 

I am having occasional episodes of hypomania that I am able to control. The logical reason is that I have an underlying mania that my mood stabilizers are suppressing and it occasionally breaks through. But, a part of me wants to believe it's a side effect of one of my medications and not me. I want to think I had a one time episode and that I have mild mood swings, but I don't really believe I have a chronic condition. 

Posted: Mon May 10, 2004 8:17 am Post subject: Re: Bipolar Depression

I'm having trouble identifying my depression because I have a lot of anxiety and have energy with mania and depression 

For me it's excessive worrying, obsessing on mistakes I've made in the past, feelings of guilt and shame. Not sleeping well. Isolating. Lack of interest in anything. 

It's not what I think of as depression: sorrow, crying spells etc 

My manias aren't what I would think of from the name. I'm not happy. I'm anxious, impulsive, write or call a lot, indignant, have a feeling of urgency. In extreme cases I become paranoid and then psychotic. 

I've gone through many jobs and it's usually when I'm manic and I feel like I need to change something right away. 

Posted: Sun May 30, 2004 6:40 am Post subject: Re: Med Compliance

"Has med compliance effected your life for the better? " 

I'm still pretty new to this, but I know I'm going to be med compliant. I went to a scary place before I was diagnosed. psychotic/paranoid, directive hallucinations (I heard voices and followed them-Thank God they told me to call someone and not be alone, instead of something like sacrifice your child.) 

I had a brother who has passed away who was very psychotic, but was father didn't believe mental illness was a real disease. It was weakness, something you could snap out of if you really wanted to. The only treatment my brother got was when he was picked up by the police and it wasn't very helpful. He spent 6 years in a very psychotic state until one day, while manic, he attempted something very risky and died in an accidental death at 26. 

I have another brother who had a major personality change, had an affair, left his wife and disowned our family. My mother just has hope that one day he'll come home. 

With the examples I've seen of those not on medication, I have a lot of incentive to stay med compliant and monitor my moods. 

Posted: Sun May 30, 2004 12:12 pm Post subject: What is this called? (Spacing out)

Sometimes when I was with a group of friends, for example, I would sorta tune-out (I guess). I think it would be for only a few seconds, but I'm not really sure. When I would come out of it I would be disoriented. It scared me. I would make sure I knew my name and where I was (Like in the hospital when they ask the year and who's president). My husband says I would sometimes stare into space, so I think that's what it would look like

Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2004 11:55 am Post subject: Re: Life after hospitalization

The first time I was hospitalized it was a 5150 (3 day hold). They sent me home and told me to reduce stress, but I was still pretty ill. I would get overwhelmed by simple things like laundry, and when my toddler would throw toys on the floor, I would look at them and cry. 

I went to an IRL DBSA support group that was really helpful. I was on a lot of medications and I could barely function. I was depressed because I thought that was how I was going to be for the rest of my life. It was definitely better than being psychotic, but it was a much worse quality of life than I had before. 

According to my psychiatrist, that was the acute phase of the illness after I had a psychotic episode, and they needed to put me on that much medication to get me stabilized. Slowly I decreased or weaned off medications according to my pdoc. 

Now I'm stable and on the combo of meds we're going to stick with. My pdoc calls this the maintenance phase. I still have to look for signs of hypomania and depression and try to use coping mechanisms to deal with them. 

I've been hospitalized twice (the second time was for a med adjustment) and both times I wanted to go home ASAP. I was treated well in the hospital, but I didn't find it as comforting as some other people have. 

Posted: Mon Jun 14, 2004 9:10 am Post subject: Farsightedness and computer addiction?

I've had problems spending too much time on computer bulletin boards and repeatedly checking for new posts. I am working on limiting the time and how often I'm on the computer. 

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but I thought it was interesting. 

I saw my eye doctor this weekend. I'm farsighted and he said my ciliary muscles, the ones in your eye that adjust for distance, are very tight and adjusted for far distances. I have reading glasses, but I rarely wear them and never at the computer. 

The ciliary muscles are contolled by the autonomic nervous system. When I force my eyes to focus close up for a long time, I'm stimulating the sympathetic part of the autonomic nervous system (fight or flight). 

The stimulation provided by the sympathetic nervous system mimics all of these drugs, which are addictive. 

Stimulants 
caffeine (in coffee, tea, and cola beverages) 
nicotine (in cigarettes) 
amphetamines 
cocaine 

Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2004 7:39 am Post subject: Re: How good are you at self-monitoring?

I told my pdoc that I can't enjoy feeling good, because I'm worrying that I'll get manic and lose control. First off, he said some people enjoy mania and don't want it to stop, but it isn't pleasant for me. He told me to live in the present and gave me some signs, for me in particular, to look for (I'm not a happy manic. I'm irritable, paranoid, psychotic) like: little sleep and still energized, irritability, people being cautious around me and thinking others are going to harm me. 

My pdoc said to look at things over time and not daily. She compared it to weight loss, where if you check daily you're going to notice every slight fluctuation, and it's better to check over time, like weekly. 

I keep a journal and I write in the morning. I write what time I woke up and how I feel, if it's different than normal. Like, I woke up at 3:00 and couldn't get back to sleep and I'm really tired. If I think about it I rate my mood on a scale of 1-10. I also write what I'm planning on doing that day. I can't describe it well, but my writing when I'm manic is really different than when I'm not. It's more emotional, spiritual, existential. They're thoughts I have in my head and I want to write them down before I forget, but when I go back and read them they aren't very profound. 

I'm too lazy to keep a mood chart, but actually I think this works better for me. The only problem is that it isn't something you could bring in to show your doctor. 

Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2004 10:41 am Post subject: Re: Talking to yourself?

I go over what I'm going to say before I speak, a lot.  I do have a running dialogue in my head. 

What's even worse is that when I was psychotic I was writing to myself and it didn't seem strange to me at all.

Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 1:24 pm Post subject: Re: Any of you get bossy with your pdoc?

After I was diagnosed I was still irritable and not thinking clearly. I was having circular thinking, but I didn't know how to describe it. 

I was trying to explain it to my pdoc and he asked me to give him an example. I snapped at him "I can't give you an example, because there are no examples. My thoughts just keep going around and around in circles." He was very calm. He just spoke softly, "See, we just talked it out". 

He considers my input on meds and I trust his judgement, so we don't argue about that. 

I'm not bossy, but I'm picky. I complain about side-effects, symptoms and page him if things don't feel "right".

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 12:03 am Post subject: Re: Do you suffer from memory loss?

I've been having problems with concentration lately. I don't know why

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 7:46 am Post subject: Re: diagnostic criteria for bipolar and related disorder....

My depression presents as excessive worrying, anxiety. I originally went to a pdoc because the anxiety was interfering with my work. 

I don't have symptoms that I would associate with depression. 

And my hypomania goes from energized, euphoric, impulsive to irritable, anxious, paranoid, but it's still on the manic side. 

Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2004 8:06 am Post subject: Not feeling well

I don't feel "right". My pdoc told me to call if I was paranoid, anxious or irritable. I'm none of those things. 

I feel "fuzzy-headed" like there is "static" in my head-if that makes sense and I have a really bad headache. I tune out when people are talking. 

I'm hoping it will go away. I don't want to have to go back on an anti-psychotic

Posted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 9:22 am Post subject: Re: Not feeling well

My depression presents as excessive worrying and anxiety. 

I'm not really thinking clearly (reading more into things than is really there). Anxiety makes it worse. 

I'm glad I moved up my pdoc appt.

Posted: Tue Sep 14, 2004 1:36 pm Post subject: Re: loved ones educating themselves

I'm confused by what interests my family. 

Mostly they seem to want to know what medication I'm on, and question why I'm not on lithium (have I heard of it?), because that's the only med they associate with bp. 

Also the assumptions they make. It's like they think I've suddenly changed once I was dx and must be showing symptoms they associate with bp. Or they're suprised I remember things when I was very ill (I was there). 

I'm glad they try to get informed, but I don't expect them to ever understand.

Posted: Sun Sep 19, 2004 8:33 pm Post subject: Decompensate and also abilify?

I’ve been depressed. I'm doing a little better, but I get overwhelmed easily. 

My husband went with me to my pdoc appointment. He and my pdoc didn't talk much, but it was reassuring for me to have him there. I can present better than I really am, and I wanted my husband there in case I wasn't accurately describing how I've been. 

My pdoc asked if I had problems with normal stressors that you have to deal with in everyday life. I was telling him that I get overwhelmed by filling out the forms for my daughter's kindergarten class. 

I was frustrated because I thought I was ready to go back to work and now I can't handle a simple task 

My pdoc did tell me not to worry about things that I haven't done and concentrate I what I have done. (He's usually positive). 

I have a hearing in October because I didn't turn a form for State Disability in on time. He said he'd write a letter that I decompensate under stress and for me not to worry about it. 

He actually seemed a little upset that they were putting me under stress for a small detail. 

Also, sometimes I “space out”. It’s like I suddenly wake up and realize that everything is “real”. He had asked me to keep a log of when this happens. They were times when I’m really anxious. He asked me if that happens in social situations, too, and I told him yes. He wants me to continue with the log. He also wants to address the anxiety .I can’t take anti-depressants, and I don’t want to take anything “as needed”. I have so much anxiety I would be popping it like candy. 

He went over a list of different things we could try. When he described abilify, it sounded like it might work well for me. 

He gave me samples of abilify. I'm going to start taking 5mg tomorrow. I also take lamictal, depakote and klonopin. 

I don't know if it's because my concentration isn't very good right now, or that my husband was there, but the pdoc seemed to be going over things quickly. I didn't ask questions like I usually would, so now I'm not sure of some of the things he said. 

Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2004 1:41 pm Post subject: Re: hypomanic

I don't know if this will help any because I have dysphoric hypomanias. I go from feeling good to impulsive to anxious/irritable to paranoid. 

My pdoc gave me a list of things to look for: irritability, paranoia, people acting cautious around me, but to otherwise enjoy feeling good.

Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 8:26 am Post subject: Re: Tell us about your family

My husband is very steady, consistant. I imagine he'll have the same job until he retires. He is the sole breadwinner right now. He works in telecommunications for the local school district. He has a great sense of humour. He's very tolerant. He does a lot around the house and rarely complains. We met through an IRL dating service. I don't think we would have met any other way. 

My daughter is 6 and just started kindergarten. If you were told someone in our family has a mood disorder, you would probably think it was her. You never know what you're going to get and she can go from happy to throwing a fit in seconds. I held her back because she's emotionally immature (she improved a lot over the past year). She's really creative and can entertain herself. 

My son is 3 and is almost always in a good mood. It's funny, now he is starting to use expressions that his sister uses. He has a severe speech delay (at 2 years he was at the level of a 12-15 month old). He's been in speech therapy and his vocabulary has increased dramatically, but he's unintelligible a lot of the time. He was off speech therapy for the summer, but now he's going again (it's a different program). I do wonder if my depression played a part in his speech problems. 

As far as the family I came from. My Father is probably undiagnosed bp. He was very inconsistent and gets involved in huge projects. He has a PhD in Electrical Engineering, and at 70 is working at Target because he made poor career, investment decisions. 

My Mother is very sweet and gentle. She only wants to hear good news. We have a very superficial relationship. 

I'm the 6th of 7 children. 

I had a brother that had a psychotic break when he went to college. My parents didn't believe in MI and felt he should just "snap out of it". He was paranoid/psychotic until he passed away attempting something very risky 6 years after his break. His diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenia, but the only med that helped him was lithium. He was just put on it and having his dosage adjusted when he passed away. 

I have another brother that had a dramatic personality change. He had always been very responsible. He had an affair, left his wife and kids and disowned our family. 

My other sisters work in the medical field like I do. My oldest sister has an administrative position and the other is a nurse practitioner. 

My older brothers were electrical engineers like my Father. One of my brothers has been out of work because of stress, but will probably go back soon. 

My youngest brother is my closest sibling. He's a CSI and does DNA testing on criminals for a database.

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 8:38 am Post subject: Anxiety meds? (SSRI's cause mania)

I have a lot of anxiety to the point where it interferes with my daily life. I think I disassociate in social situations and decompensate when under stress. I tend to isolate. I've had auditory hallucinations and my pdoc says anxiety can cause them. 

My original diagnosis was social anxiety, but we haven't dealt with the anxiety because it's taken me so long to get stable and adjusting the bp meds. 

I am fine in one-on-one situations and chit-chat. I don't have any problems when I talk to my pdoc, for example. 

When I took zoloft it induced mania and that eventually led to my bp diagnosis, so I can't take SSRI's. Wellbutrin increases my anxiety. 

I just experienced a situation where I was very anxious and paranoid. I took abilify and it resolved quickly, but the abilify caused insomnia. I don't want to take zyprexa because of the weight gain. 

My pdoc gave me samples of geodon to keep on hand if the anxiety/paranoia returns. 

I take 1 mg klonopin nightly. 

Geodon should have sedating effects at the dosage he recommends (80mg at night), and is an anti-psychotic. It just seems like such a strong medication. 

As far as dealing with anxiety on a regular basis would increasing the klonopin or taking buspar help, or is buspar a bad choice with the reactions I've had to other AD's? 

I'd like to be on as few meds as possible. I was on high doses of meds until I was stable and I was basically a zombie. My pdoc is *not* a pill pusher and wants to have me on as few meds as possible, too. He tried to get me down to just lamictal, but it didn't work. I take lamictal, depakote and klonopin. 

I can deal with some situations by breaking them into small parts so I don't get overwhelmed. 

I'm trying to limit my time on the internet, so I have more time interacting IRL, and so I don't get anxious/paranoid again. I hope that will help me slowly adjust to social situations and be able to focus and not tune out.

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2004 6:05 pm Post subject: Re: what kind of support do you need from loved ones when mi

I try to resist isolating and stay around everyone even if I'm just "there". 

The most helpful thing my husband does is watch the kids when he gets home and gives me space when I need it. 

I don't "push" him away. I just tell him I'm going to lay down for awhile. I recognize when I'm irritable or impulsive before he does. 

He also goes to appointments with me if I'm not up to going alone.

Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2004 10:20 pm Post subject: Overly cautious?

I was raised in a home where I was "walking on eggshells" trying to avoid or prevent my Father's anger. I think I've brought that in to my adult life. 

I avoid confrontation to the point where the thought of confrontation causes anxiety. I think I have a phobia. I rarely directly tell people when they are upsetting me. I can express my feelings better in writing and I have wrote things down for people when I feel I've been mistreated and want it to change. I will comment when I feel directly insulted. Mostly, I complain to someone else or beat myself up later thinking about what I should have said. 

I also feel like I can't depend on anyone else. I always have a back-up plan in case I need it. In some ways this has helped me to be independant, self-reliant, but I overburden myself. It also can alienate people that really *do* want to help. 

I am anxious in a lot of social situations and derealize/ 
depersonalize/detach (I'm not sure what the proper term is). I feel like I'm waking up from a dream, but it's real and I'm disoriented. I've kept a log and it's only when I'm very anxious and in social situations. 

I upset my husband because I'm a back seat driver and always telling him to watch out for other cars and not drive so close. He drives fine, but I really do get scared. 

Posted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 9:41 am Post subject: Feeling misunderstood

 I don't feel like posting because I'm paranoid little people in my computer are following me around. I feel like no one understands me and are ignoring me. I'm not doing well. I don't feel like I have anything to contribute. I think being on the computer makes me worse, so I'm only on briefly. 

I'm not sure what to do. I call people IRL, but they don't understand. I went to my support group last night, but it wasn't very helpful. 

I'm backsliding and it's upsetting me. I'm better than I was 6 months ago and much better than a year ago, but I'm not stable. I was doing well since I was stabilized and this is throwing me for a loop. 

I had a mixed state recently and abilify pulled me out of it, but it gave me insomnia, so now I'm back on my regular "cocktail". 

I'm not sleeping well. I'm taking benadryl at night and it helps some. 

I see my pdoc on Monday. I don't want to go on an anti-psychotic on a regular basis if I'm not psychotic. I have geodon on hand if I need it. 

The responses I'm getting to my questions aren't really related to what I'm asking and it's frustrating me. I have a lot of anxiety to the point where I feel like things aren't real (derealization?). I'm looking into getting back into therapy and CBT, but I want other suggestions. 

I'm on lamictal, depakote and klonopin. I'm on a very low dose of depakote for me and I don't think it's controlling my mania. Does anyone know if increasing the depakote to the point where I'm stable would help with anxiety too? I had breakthrough hallucinations before, and increasing my depakote helped. 

I don't want to be doped up, but I want to be back to where I was a month ago. When I had a breakdown I was psychotic. I had the police called because I thought my parents were trying to kill me. I was 5150'd. I was following voices. I thought everyone was plotting against me. I'm starting to have those thoughts again and it is scaring me. It took me 9 months and I was a zombie to get stable and I don't want to go back there again. 

Please don't answer if you are going to put winks in your response. It scares me that it's a secret message.

Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2004 11:53 am Post subject: Re: Feeling misunderstood