my diary


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sunday september 15

 Hello. My name is Lue, I’m a 16 year old boy and this is kinda gonna be a lil diary so yeah lol

At the moment it’s like 6am and as usual I haven’t slept at all. I’m laying in bed and listening to Give em hell kid by My Chemical Romance. I’m bored but I don’t know what to do since it’s the middle of the night or well I guess it’s morning now. Early morning. Oh well. 

I suggest you stop reading now if you get triggered by eating disorders and stuff like that. You probably won’t anyways. I know the kind of mindset most of us have and well y’all are probably gonna keep reading cause you want to get triggered lol. Well anyways.

I’m anorexic

And well I’m gonna talk about my “eating” habits. I don’t really eat much so I guess there’s not much to say. I’m fasting now. I went for three days but fucked it up yesterday by eating a couple crackers with cucumber and herb salt. I feel like shit cause I couldn’t even go for four days. I’m gonna try again tho. And I’m starting today. The only thing I’m letting myself consume is obviously water but also low cal energy drinks (around 10 calories) and I’m gonna drink a low cal juice box thing oh and also I can chew gum too. But tomorrow I’m not gonna drink anything else than water and an energy drink. I try working out every night (I can’t during the day cause my parents will notice) I do 40 squats, 20 pushups and 100 sit-ups. The sit-ups hurt my tailbone a little but idc. I’ve lost a lot of weight. My parents have noticed. They know I have problems with eating but they don’t know how bad it is. I sometimes try to joke about it to make them think it’s less serious. But I don’t know if it’s working. Anyways let’s talk about something else lol.

I have four dogs and two cats. I’m gay. I don’t know what to say. There’s not really anything interesting about me. I guess I could tell y’all bout my diagnoses. Let’s start with my cptsd. Complex post traumatic stress disorder. It’s a lot like regular ptsd but just more. Well. Complex. I grew up in an abusive household. I saw my mom get knocked out cold when I was seven. I thought she died cause her nose was bleeding and she was out for maybe half a minute but it felt like hours. I still get triggered when cleaning blood from the floor. A bunch of other shit happened too but let’s not get too into it. Next. I have OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. I’ve had it my whole life. I remember I had to do this weird ritual when I was going to bed. I had to smile then close my eyes and hold the smile till I fell asleep but of course I messed up all the time so I had to do it over and over again. I did it cause I thought that the sandman would hurt me if I wasn’t sleeping when he came. Idk why I thought that. I was like six. Next. I have a lot of anxiety disorders. Like social anxiety. General anxiety. Panic anxiety. Selective mutism and like I said OCD. There’s probably more. Anyways. Selective mutism. It’s when you physically can’t talk in different situations. Mostly schools. People develop it when they’re children. For me. I was already a shy kid. And I had a phobia of failing so I never really answered questions in class even though I was sure I would be right. I thought it would be better to not say anything than risk being wrong. Anyways. In fourth grade I had a teacher who always would try to pressure me into talking in class and I’d always start crying in front of everyone and one time when we had group presentation I asked if the guy I was with could do it alone cause I was too scared but she just looked at me and then at the class and said Lue is gonna the the presentation by himself so again I started crying in front of everyone and cried for the rest of the class. I had to deal with her torment every day. At the end of fourth grade I couldn’t get out a single word in any class. But the school never told my parents for some reason. 

Next let’s talk about my general anxiety. I’ve always been very anxious. Since I was little. Because of everything going on at home. I would actually stay at school till it closed cause I didn’t want to go home. I would have a hard time concentrating in class and I would just sit there and be in my own little world. It wasn’t like I was bad in school tho. I actually had pretty good grades in middle school. The teachers noticed my anxiety and stuff so they made me start going to a school therapist or whatever. I talked to her about everything going on at home but I was too scared to tell her about everything going on in my head. Then they contacted a place called BUP. There’s like a dozen therapists and psychologists and doctors and everything. There’s also a department that’s kinda a built in mental hospital. Then in sixth grade I finally got to see someone. Then I had to wait another year lol. Then they talked to me and at once diagnosed me lol. They told me I have depression OCD and general anxiety oh and I told them about my selfharm behavior so they told my parents lol. Wow I say lol a lot. Anyways. My selfharm behavior. I’ve been hurting myself since I was six so it’s been like ten years. Shit. I’ve got thick scars all over my arms legs thighs and some smaller ones on my stomach. I have over a hundred on my just my legs and thighs. Well. Of the ones I can see probably have over four hundred selfharm scars on my body tho. I don’t cut anymore tho cause my parents took everything after I tried to kill my self again. It was like two weeks ago. First time I tried to kill my self was when I was seven. I jumped off the school roof. It was winter tho so I just sprained my ankle and didn’t tell anyone lol. I’ve tried like three times after that but been close to trying three more times. What else. Hmm. I don’t go to school anymore. I stopped like two years ago. We’ve tried going after everyone else has left but I just can’t. I stopped going to class in seventh grade mostly cause everything was triggering my cptsd so I had intense panic attacks every day. I literally couldn’t control my body. My mom says it looked like I was having cramp attack. I had a sister who had epilepsy so my parents know what it usually looks like. I don’t get panic attacks anymore but I do get anxiety attacks. They’re when I get intense anxiety out of nowhere or if something triggers it. Like for example. My body. Lol. I don’t feel much at all. I know a lot of people say this but it’s like my world is gray. Like the colors are less vibrant. And everything just feels gray. Boring. And I’m tired all the time. But I can’t sleep at night. Even if I sleep it doesn’t really change anything. I’m still tired. All. The. Time. And my body is just getting weaker and weaker.

I’m not gonna pretend like I don’t know why tho. I mean it’s pretty obvious. I don’t eat. So my body is eating away at it’s self. I’m slowly killing my self. But I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. It feels sooo good. It’s really hard to explain. But just feeling like I’m in control and the feeling of an empty stomach. It feels so empowering. And my body feels skinnier when I don’t eat. But then again. When I look in the mirror. I remember that I’m not skinny. But it just makes me wanna try harder. And when I see my body shrinking and the numbers on the scale decreasing. I feel kinda happy. It’s like a drug. I’m addicted to it.

It’s weird.

I don’t like changes.

But I guess this is an exception. 

I started having anorexic thoughts when I was around eight years old. I was bullied at school and at home. At school it was mostly because I was the weird quiet kid. But at home I couldn’t stop talking. My parents just thought I had a lot of energy but really it was just my anxiety going crazy. Ever experienced that? Having so much anxiety you can’t stop talking. Then getting even more anxious cause you think you said something stupid so you Talk about something else to cover up the fact that you’re weird and stupid but then you get even more anxious cause you start thinking everyone thinks you’re weird cause you talk too much?

It’s not fun. It’s like whatever I do I’ll never be normal. What is even Normal. Is anyone really normal? Idk. Oh well. I think I’m gonna go now. I’ll write again tomorrow. It probably won’t be as long tho. 

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