Do whatever blows your hair back

 

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Don't read if you are politically correct ,easily offended or have no sense of humour

This is my personal diary of what goes on in my world.A journal of my life.Welcome to Marnies world buckle up down a couple of quiet ones and settle in for the ride,,,,,,,

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Bobtails and Bushes

 
Christmas holidays is a great time to catch up with the family and that is exactly what we did.A ten hour road trip,two four wheel drives and an outback adventure.However ten hours is along time to keep your legs crossed and torture your bladder.Easy if you are a bloke.Basically you can just hang out anywhere  on the side of the road but if you are a chick there is a certain amount of protocol.Basically you need to find a bush for your bush ( I admit I had been a bit slack in the waxing department) My brother in law pulled over to the side of the road with no understanding of a woman's plight because the trees closest to the car were that transparent they might as well have been made of glass (and considering my son and future son in law were holidaying with me) I decided that the last thing they wanted to see was my lily white backside at nine o'clock in the morning (mooning has never been my thing) Anyway with no toilet paper as it was packed in the car and nobody could find it I came to the conclusion I was going to have to drip dry and set off into the wilderness to find my piece of privacy.Flys were friendly and the temperature was soaring around 40degrees and then I came upon the perfect spot ( or what I thought was) I pulled down my knickers,squatted down,began to relief myself and then all hell broke loose.A bobtail reared its head from under the shrubbery angrily opened its mouth and tried to latch on to my vagina.(Bear Grylls wouldn't have stood a chance with this bugger ) I screamed (no one came to the rescue ) shot back onto a few twigs and frantically tried to pull up my knickers as I ran out of the bush in desperation giving my fellow travel companions and eye full.Back on the road again my son kept reminding me that "We are in gods country" No I disagreed "We are in hell son"
Arriving at our destination I got chatting to the woman in our family about how close I became to spending Christmas in hospital with a bobtail attached to my vagina (I was clearly still in shock) My mum said it would have been awful  to have a Bobcat attached to my vagina "No mum I didn't have a Bobcat nearly attached to my front end loader it was a Bobtail (huge difference)" My other friend had also informed me a few years back she had been bitten on the backside by a snake while urinating in gods country and then another family member told the story of when she was squatting a hundred flys tried to land on her lady bits (bush vibrator)
Needless to say my husband is happy that all turned out well but if I can give any good advice it would be if you don't want to be a victim of the jaws of hell... Keep Your Legs Crossed until you arrive at your destination......The Outback is a dangerous place,
PS To the lady at the roadhouse who charged me $36 bucks for two iced coffee,pie,packet of chips and a corn jack  Go Piss In The Bush.....
 
Definitions
Chick : Aussie Woman
Bobtail : Aussie Reptile
Drip Dry : Something a woman does when there's no bloody toilet paper
Vagina: Go figure
 
 
 
 
 
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Venetian blinds and this feral of mine

Let me introduce you to one of the males in my life who is six years old,has no personal hygiene and generally causes drama wherever he goes.On top of that he is a complete weirdo due to his insatiable appetite for my knickers.Humps his Toy teddy like a makita hammer drill on full throttle and introduces himself to big burly bikies by marking his territory on there feet...

Nighttime in our household is generally a nightmare as he snores louder than techno music at a nightclub and farts so badly you would think there is a rotting corpse under the bed.My doona cover has been washed more times than I care to remember as he is generous to a fault.( he likes to bring me presents) Generally old dirty bones dug up from the garden (he would make a great archaeologist in a future life) and the odd stick or two which I have had the pleasure of being poked in the eye with. Sleeping -in is generally non existent as he deliberately tries to wake me by sneezing on my face until it is that soaked with snot I habitually have to run to the bathroom early mornings before I gag...

His name by the way is Malcolm...

 

Last week we were at our daughters house as we were staying with her for a few days.She had made a spare bed up in the lounge room and had placed the bed frame under the window that happens to have a Venetian blind.....Deciding that as a family we would go out for a pub lunch we left our family member home.He hopped up on the bed and watched us leave through the window.My daughter was super excited to tell the family how she would be moving out in a few days as she had found a more convenient place for her and her family.A couple of hours past and we were all pretty merry (alcohol will do that to you) we stumbled home literally and opened the front door to find the venetian was no longer on the window our first thought was someone had broken in.....but no the blind was through out the house chewed in a million pieces.Malcolm had torn them to shreds.......and proudly still had a piece sticking out of his mouth  ......looks like I am paying for a new blind unless....I roll up the other blinds in the house so the landlord doesn't notice.......

 

There was also the time not so long ago when he took off from the park like a rabbit on acid ,climbed under the fence to be met by two extremely shocked Rottweilers.Malcolm without any fear(he has little mans syndrome)waltzed over and ate from there dog bowl pissed on ones dog bed and eventually took notice of me screaming through the fence to get the hell out of there....He was extremely close to embarking on the journey to doggy heaven.....

 

Anyhow I have considered dog obedience school and in my darkest hour maybe even leaving him on the church steps but I have come to the conclusion even and exorcism won't make a difference......He is who he is and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way (even if you do cost me $10 bucks every three days cause you only eat cooked chicken.......

At the end of the day he is loyal as a soldier and has the heart of a lion and will never lie or cheat or steal (except maybe my knickers) and will love me unconditionally......

A dog is truly are a wo -man's best friend........and I wouldn't be without him....

 

For Sale

Mixed breed special

Housetrained

Low Maintenance

 No hang-ups

 

Enquire within.............😜

 

 

 

 

                          What's On Your Fridge...

I tend to work with people who are a little out of the ordinary.Could have something to do with the philosophy “birds of a feather flock together” either we are trailblazers within this dance of life or we are just bat shit crazy is yet to be decided however one of our many conversation topics was about what is on our fridges and how interesting it would be to produce a coffee table book (it was not my idea and it had been a  very long day) with photographs of this.My work colleague was overly excited to inform me that on the front of her fridge is a cat calendar that she places down towards the bottom so her beloved cat can feel that it has company while her fanatical owner is out of the house.Basically she said its so she doesn’t get lonely and has company of a different feline friend everyday .This got me thinking what was on my fridge and I got a little depressed.I happen to have bills plastered all over mine.Basically so I don’t forget about paying them because I myself have menopause brain …Off I went after work to my friends house and noticed she has her footy team plastered on hers.Muscly testosterone filled (make your tongue hang out) men who at midnight when your getting that glass of water (you have the dry horrors due to alcohol overdose) make it worthwhile to have hauled your ass out of bed .Then there is my other friend who has inspirational quotes plastered on sticky notes because life is moonlight and rainbows and namaste with a little bit of Xanax thrown in.Then last but not least is the friend who has pictures of super skinny woman (clearly photoshopped) to intimidate her into not opening her fridge because she is trying to loose a few kilos …..even though the photoshopped woman could do with a burger or two…..

My  very little research has found family photos are popular and who doesn’t own a magnet or ten.I am paying a lot more attention every time I am in the company of someone’s fridge. I think this says a lot about people’s personality types and  what inspires them maybe I need to tear those bills up (or just pay them)and take stock that I do happen to see the front of this cooling machine many times in my life and I need to make it more meaningful to look at…..

I’m starting to wonder that Yes maybe a coffee table book of what is on people’s fridges isn’t such a bad idea or even a facebook or Instagram site……what the hell this could go viral ……..or maybe …:

I really am bat shit crazy and need to look for a more stimulating job….

What's on Your Fridge 😜

 

 

 

 

                            Two Seconds of Trivia...

So I made my way to the servo pulled up and the lady behind the counter yells out "Marnie do you need a screwdriver?"

"No got one thanks I yelled back as I proceeded to dodgy my petrol cap open once again ...."You need to get it fixed she yells"Yeah I know" We have the same conversation every week.

Nothing like good customer service at your local .......

 

 

 

 

                A Little Bit Of Poetry To Lighten the Mood......

 

 

The Drovers Son.

Dear dad I'm sitting on the porch right now Needing your advice. 

I'm a little lost right now Can't seem to do nothing right

The crops are in bad shape Need a whole heap of rain It doesn't seem to be happening and I hang my head in shame.

I remember the day clearly What you said before your last breath You told me I'm a drover son And you knew I would do my best.

The land is a double edged sword you said It can be your friend or foe The seasons will change. The rivers will dry and then they will flow.

Then you took my hand in yours Closed your eyes and slipped away I wish you were still here dad to help me fight another day.

The banks been a calling They are threatening to foreclose. I here the wife crying  She doesn't think I know.

Our neighbour Harry He packed his ute and left. Said he could not do it anymore. No longer handle the stress.

The billabong is dry I had to shoot some cattle The food is scarce It's a never ending battle.

So I sit here and stare out at the night..................... Hold on dad that can't be right. My ears must be playing tricks. Did I here a pitta pat on the tin roof Have I had one to many Streuth............................

I can't believe it   ........... It's Raining dad The heavens have opened up You have sent me a message Down from above

I believe you Dad The time has finally come I remember what you told me. I am a drovers son..........................

 

 

                           

       

                                   A Word Of Advice:

Perfection Is Only An Illusion.

There Ain't No Such Thing.....

 

 

                Gun Control

I am an Australian and I feel the need to talk about the senseless shootings happening in America.How horrifying it would be to send your most precious possessions to school (your children) only to find out they are not coming home.To have to go over and over the morning events.Did I tell her /him that I loved them.Was I in to much in a hurry to give them my full attention.What was the last thing he/she said to me.What was the last thing I said to them.The sickening realisation there will be no more kisses on the cheek,No more candles on the birthday cake.

Every one of there wishes and dreams and yours extinguished forever. The agony of knowing there life has been cut short and there was not a dam thing you could do about it.You are going to be burying your child when what we expect in life is for our children to bury us the parents.Innocence stolen.My heart breaks for the people who have lost there sons and daughters and if I could wave a magic wand I would take away the easy access to these killing machines.It doesn't make sense that you have to be twenty one to consume alcohol in America but you can own an assault rifle at nineteen.

In 2017 I wrote a poem about a shooting that happened in Las Vegas.Many lost there lives.

I do believe in the power of the written word......

Lay your guns down Uncle Sam

The pain has gone on for far to long

The right to bare arms has clearly done you wrong .

Bullets have rained down from the stars

Covered the country in tears

Buried your sons and daughters

Freedom taken replaced by fears.

Blood spills on the streets

Scenes of war

The world in disbelief ,that a gun can be bought from a store.

Lay your guns down Uncle Sam.

Let there be no more graves.Over the land of the free and the home of the brave.

 

 

Green eyed Monster

 

Facebook can be a wonderful tool to connect with family (sometimes) It can also be a home wrecking,character assassinating,click bait ,troll hunters paradise.It also be an attention seekers slice of heaven (who doesn't want a like or ten)

Just the other week I seen this post that basically said that green eyed people were super special.Reacting like mothers do I tagged my youngest daughter in the post aware that as with me she was blessed with green eyes.A simple act that would put a smile on her dial.The thing is I have three grown up children who I love equally.I don't have favourites because they are all super special,my best friends and I couldn't imagine life without them.Anyway a few minutes after the green eyed post I got a phone call from my eldest girl informing me I hadn't tagged her in the post and she was offended,I was a little confused because even though I hadn't seen her for a couple of months (she lives in another town) I was pretty sure for the last twenty seven years she has had brown eyes.Protesting she sent me a picture of herself with her eyes circled in black marker (she is a little on the eccentric side and even enlarging the photo confirmed what I already knew ) 

Thinking I may have early signs of Alzheimer's ( I have been forgetting were I leave my car keys lately ) I called a family meeting with my husband,son and youngest daughter and we all agreed that her eye colour was brown and have been brown all her life so there must be a couple of reasons for  her confusion.She either was colour blind,needs glasses or she has inhaled to much fertiliser (she works in horticulture) Thinking a little deeper into the issue at hand I remembered that :

I have always taught each one of my kids that they could be whatever they wanted to be ( If she believes she has green eyes who the hell am I to judge ) and In the end I did try to rectify the situation.I logged onto Facebook and to smooth the waters and with complete sincerity posted van  morrisons brown eyed girl to her wall.Problem solved, or so I thought ....to which she replied that her eyes do go green when she is angry and I must of never have taken the time to notice......

Note to self : Coloured contacts for her birthday,,,,,,,,,,or maybe just a breathing mask....

Facebook anyone 😜

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Yoga and Me

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Supermarket Jungle

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The things I do or don’t do

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