Do whatever blows your hair back

 

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Don't read if you are politically correct ,easily offended or have no sense of humour

This is my personal diary of what goes on in my world.A journal of my life.Welcome to Marnies world buckle up down a couple of quiet ones and settle in for the ride,,,,,,,

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Bobtails and Bushes

 
Christmas holidays is a great time to catch up with the family and that is exactly what we did.A ten hour road trip,two four wheel drives and an outback adventure.However ten hours is along time to keep your legs crossed and torture your bladder.Easy if you are a bloke.Basically you can just hang out anywhere  on the side of the road but if you are a chick there is a certain amount of protocol.Basically you need to find a bush for your bush ( I admit I had been a bit slack in the waxing department) My brother in law pulled over to the side of the road with no understanding of a woman's plight because the trees closest to the car were that transparent they might as well have been made of glass (and considering my son and future son in law were holidaying with me) I decided that the last thing they wanted to see was my lily white backside at nine o'clock in the morning (mooning has never been my thing) Anyway with no toilet paper as it was packed in the car and nobody could find it I came to the conclusion I was going to have to drip dry and set off into the wilderness to find my piece of privacy.Flys were friendly and the temperature was soaring around 40degrees and then I came upon the perfect spot ( or what I thought was) I pulled down my knickers,squatted down,began to relief myself and then all hell broke loose.A bobtail reared its head from under the shrubbery angrily opened its mouth and tried to latch on to my vagina.(Bear Grylls wouldn't have stood a chance with this bugger ) I screamed (no one came to the rescue ) shot back onto a few twigs and frantically tried to pull up my knickers as I ran out of the bush in desperation giving my fellow travel companions and eye full.Back on the road again my son kept reminding me that "We are in gods country" No I disagreed "We are in hell son"
Arriving at our destination I got chatting to the woman in our family about how close I became to spending Christmas in hospital with a bobtail attached to my vagina (I was clearly still in shock) My mum said it would have been awful  to have a Bobcat attached to my vagina "No mum I didn't have a Bobcat nearly attached to my front end loader it was a Bobtail (huge difference)" My other friend had also informed me a few years back she had been bitten on the backside by a snake while urinating in gods country and then another family member told the story of when she was squatting a hundred flys tried to land on her lady bits (bush vibrator)
Needless to say my husband is happy that all turned out well but if I can give any good advice it would be if you don't want to be a victim of the jaws of hell... Keep Your Legs Crossed until you arrive at your destination......The Outback is a dangerous place,
PS To the lady at the roadhouse who charged me $36 bucks for two iced coffee,pie,packet of chips and a corn jack  Go Piss In The Bush.....
 
Definitions
Chick : Aussie Woman
Bobtail : Aussie Reptile
Drip Dry : Something a woman does when there's no bloody toilet paper
Vagina: Go figure
 
 
 
 
 
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Yoga and Me

Like every human being on the planet 2017 was going to be my year.Yes I had visions that I would have no trouble in obtaining a yoga goddess body like Jennifer Anniston. Maybe go eventually to Bali and become a fully fledged yoga instructor.Yes the possibilities are endless.However at forty six years of age I had to be somewhat realistic.I had to learn the art first (could be helpful if I want to teach ) So who better to be my lounge room dvd instructor the one and only Mandy Ingber Yogalosophy.
Firstly I put on my new Kmart work out gear.Yes I know I could have gone to Lorna Jane or maybe purchased Running Bare but who am I kidding I am along way off from being a walking advertisment for either of the two.Besides there was only going to be me in my lounge room.Well me and Mandy of course.I must admit that the closest I have ever been to doing the downward dog was retrieving ice from the bottom of my tucker box freezer to compliment my vodka and my idea for meditation was to drink a bottle or possibly two of bubbly (It’s put me in a meditative state more times than I care to remember)I had however promised this was the year to find myself,not that I could be easily lost being a size 16 and all .
So here I was about to transform my body. Mandy was excited.Maybe a little to excited .I proceeded to do the workout with major enthusiasm then Mandy shared her mantra with me “I Have A Great Ass ……I Have A Great Ass.
Thoughts started to run through my head No Mandy I have not got a great Ass, ARSE in Australia we say ARSE and if I had a great ARSE I would not be downward dog with my 14dd breasts swinging down south, frothing at the mouth and praying I dont let one rip in the process…Needles to say I might try again tomorrow…..
I HAVE A GREAT ARSE ……..I HAVE A GREAT ARSE …………….
Maybe one day 😜

 

A Word Of Advice ....

Seriously ... Never care what people think of you.

You spend half your life worrying....

And the other half of your life wondering

Why you gave a F#@k in the first place

 

Im A Believer......

Not too long ago myself and one of my good friends decided to go to one of those psychic nights.The venue was held out at a farm house out of town and we had no idea where we were going.It was dark,creepy and basically you had to have a psychic gift just to find the place but we opted for Google and it kinda got us to where we wanted to go after driving past the non signage venue three times. 

(Yep we were looking for a sign😜) 
The night was somewhat different to my usual Friday night possibly because normally I would have knocked off quite a few cans of gin and tonic by now but by Divine intervention I was sober.My friend had informed me I would be easier to read by the psychic if I had no alcohol in my system.Needless to say it didn't matter because I wasn't one of the people to be picked out from the crowd anyway.I kinda already knew I wouldn't be hence why I should of emerged my spirit in the spirits beforehand.Anyhow I must admit I was a little sceptical but this bloke was pretty good.He made quite a few people find whatever they were looking for and gave them answers to questions they wanted to know.I myself tried numerous times to try to get his attention by moving forward in my chair which nearly landed me on my backside and giving him a wink or two and even resorting to coughing loudly which sounded pathetically like I wasn't to far off from meeting my maker....obviously he only recognises signs from the spirit world.
 
Still slightly suspicious I kept a look out for hidden microphones and the odd nod of the head or two and even looked around for two way glass.(I have had experience with these types of things watching csi marathons on DVD)
However all seemed pretty normal or beyond normal whichever way you want to look at it and when we left the hall at interval I wasn't struck down by lightening for being a nonbeliever so all was well in the world.
Finally the night came to an end and we hopped in the car ready for the journey home.My friend has a bit of a love affair with the excelerator and off we went with a new found enthusiasm for the world beyond.Not far up the road We realised we were lost again my mate slowed down which is highly unusual and out of nowhere a massive kangaroo stood in the middle of the road staring into the vehicle.It gave us both the chills and our hearts were literally pounding through our chest knowing what could of happened if the car was going that little bit faster....
He disappeared and we had only just returned from the adrenalin rush when only a couple of kms up the very dark road we were met with a white owl with piecing red eyes that looked like something out of a Harry Potter movie staring straight into us in the middle of the road....
Superstition has it that owls are messengers...
Feeling uneasy we crept home that night without hardly speaking a word and realised that someone or something was looking out for us as it could of been a whole different scenario.We possibly could of been joining the spirit world sooner rather than later.Even though it was late at night when we finally could put our feet up we both decided to have a drink or two to soothe the  soul ....
 
 
 

Poetry Anyone...

Too Much Wild Turkey

Went to a bar last night 
It was something new 
Had a talk with JIMMY BEAM 
and had a round with a Russian bloke named VOLUTE. 
All of a sudden another guy sat down 
His name was JACK DANIELS 
He was from out of town 
JACK took awhile to warm up 
Quiet type to start with 
Then he wouldn't shut up 
Then a bloke called BUNDY 
Wanted the crew to quieten down 
He said the meanest of them all 
Was about to come through the crowd 
We all started to SHIVER 
And act as REGAL as could be 
When this WILD bloke nic -named TURKEY 
Sent me to my knees 
I told him I didn't mean him any HAHN 
I was a bit LIGHT headed and could I at least buy him another round 
He talked about his travels 
VICTORIA was the best 
But he was a little BITTER as those EMUS on the road 
Put him to the bloody test. 
The night as I recall 
Ended with a Tia 
When I had no more money left for one more drop of beer. 
I stumbled home to MARY 
What a BLOODY sight to see 
Then I awoke the next morning to find 
I wasn't drinking with no-one else but me...

 

Lessons Learned.........

1 Everyone has a weakness.....your not on your own.
2 Nobody is perfect ......even if they want you to believe they are.
3 Challenges will be there always .....that is what makes the good times so dam good.
4 Be who you are suppose to be.You are here for a reason....never let anyone put you down or convince you otherwise.
5 Lastly be thankful for who you have in your world.For they are more precious than gold and what makes you who you are .....
 
Ps : if all else fails have a wine or two.
Grapes are good for you 😁
 
 
            My Dad Always Reminds Me....
 
There are plenty of heroes in the graveyard
the world couldn't do without,
No-one is Irreplaceable..........
 
 
                       My Thoughts......

A little while ago I watched a documentary on drug addiction.I thought about how devastating it would be to have to watch a loved one battle this monster.I thought about how it destroys lives and how it does not discriminate.It does not choose a pacific race.It does not choose a pacific religion.It does not give a rats arse what socio economic group its potential victims are.It has no gender preference and couldn't give a fuck about age or marital status.It has one agenda and one agenda only to destroy...,

It spews its venom in every place within our communities.Hotels.sporting clubs.schools.It is a parasite that sucks the life out of anyone who dares to dance with the devil.The sad part is no one sets out to dance.Mental health issues one such as depression...
Some through no fault of there own are addicted to prescription medication.....
Others have been subjected to peer pressure.Young and vulnerable who made a split second wrong decision swallowed that party pill with there mates at a music concert and the downward spiral begins......
Celebrities by the hundreds.Music Legends.Sporting greats.Hollywood legends.
It has no boundaries.....
What do we do.? We educate.We shock.We show those graphic pictures of drug addiction to our kids.......We demand the government get tougher on dealers and traffickers .We fight back and we keep fighting because in the end who knows who the devil will  dance with tomorrow..........
 
                     Heroin
 
The wolf howls to the witches hour.
The gatekeeper comes out to play.
Its time to assist the souls of the abyss 
who have been chosen as the devils prey.
 
The needle is loaded
Pull the trigger the grim reaper yells
It's time to take you on a journey
Through the fires of hell
 
You will sacrifice your loved ones
Lie and cheat and steal
Loose every inch of self respect
Have wounds that will never heal.
 
Come dance with the devil
For this moment will come to pass
Remember there has been others before you
Your not going to be the last.
 
A little taste to start with
Then your hunger will grow
Loose your life's purpose
Your friends will become your foes
 
I will take everything
There's nothing you can do
I need to feed my famine
It comes from people like you
 
 Don't try to disown me
Don't be foolish and weak
Your going to want me more and more
I am yours to keep
 
And when you think you can fight me
You better think again 
You will never be the hero
 But I will  always be your heroin.
 
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Yoga and Me

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Supermarket Jungle

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