Lets start from the beginning, and i mean the day my wonderful mother decides to give birth august 31,1998. My mother was a single mother, no ring on her left hand, no boyfriend no soul mate. My father, he decided not to follow my mom to the american dream so he stay in his country with his people. My mother had the help of my grandmother always, till this day. Me, i was just a new born child not having a fucking clue about what they said or did... not knowing who or how I was going to end up. Some time past, my mother want it to have fun and be a rebel, just like any young adult wants to, live their life ,party, have freedom, just saying "fuck it" to anything crazy. I was raise by my grandmother and my uncle, my mom was just a ignorant parent. She would leave me at peoples homes when i was a baby. In other words i was just a bother to her. Years past, my mom was selling tamales and we would go from door to door to sell them, so one day we where on our way back to our house and their was this white house with a beautiful gate and the grass was so green it look so dreamy. Their was this man, white tall and with colored eyes, he look so nice and like a grate person, Little do you know this man was my fucking worst nightmare! me a 5 year old little girl called him father and accepted him as one to. I remember everything he did to me and my mother as if it was yesterday and this is the beginning of my whole life that went from a normal kid that only wants to play outside with her little friend to my darkest days. We move in with him everything happy and dreamy, you know like the family that everyone wants and dreams about, laughing and spending family time, playing bored games in the living room. Till one day everything just crash and became, like i said my darkest days began, it all stared with my mom looking weak, having bruise, even days where she wouldn't come out of the room because she was "sick" , he would beat her up till she past out or black out.I remember once he put this yarn all over the house to their room so when I open the door this bell would ring and he would know the door open, but he didn't know my hands where to small to fit the smallest gap when the door open and I would be able to grab the string and get out. So I did, but i wish i didn't... i wish i would of just fallen asleep and wait till the next morning to get out and not see my mom getting beat up like if she was a slave. I remember hearing her cry and trying not to scream, it broke my heart. We move to an apartment close by our local public library me thinking, maybe is a new beginning, and it was but not the good one it was the worst beginning ever, every night my mom would get beat up and luckily I had a window in my room, so i would get out just to not listen at my mom crying and low screaming. one day I was giving permission to go play ball with the other kids and have fun, 2 hrs past sun was going down so I decided to go home... the door was open, didn't mind it, but i kept calling my mom from outside the house, I step in... their she was laying on the floor bleeding from her head beat up unconscious, I go towards her with my eyes crying and touch her...call her softly, I feel blood on my hands, I feel scared so I scream for help! calling my abusive step father... no where to be found. I keep screaming and someone finally hears me, my mom not waking up, me thinking shes dead... they call the ambulance and they take her to the hospital. later i find out she was about to lose her life because of my wonderful stepfather. Next thing we know, hes no where to be found he left us, my mother and I go back with my grandmother. 2 years past and he finds us and saying sorry to my mom that he never meant to hurt her. We go back with him, this time I find out the truth about him... he is a crack head and a alcoholic. Same story, beating up, crying , screaming, and pain. Till one day my mother decided to take me to my grandmothers to stay for the night, or more like a month, wishing she never left me their with my grandmother and her boyfriend, wishing she could of left me with someone i didn't know, that would of save me a little, maybe. I would sleep on the floor next to my grandmas bed... I would wake up to the smell of breakfast and my uncle always bugging me. But this time i didn't wake up to a beautiful morning or the smell of breakfast or my uncle annoying me,i woke up in the middle of the night and my grandmother boyfriend fingering me, touching me, felling me. I was just 10 years old, I was pretending i was pretending to be asleep, I was screaming inside me for help... i was confuse of where my grandmother could be, but she was showering. He took advantage of that time to touch me and pleasure him self. I was trying to move so he could maybe stop but he didn't till he herd the shower go off. I wanet to cry but I need it to keep pretending that I was asleep. I told my uncle what happen he believe me, but my grandma didn't ... and that what hurt me the most. I was send to therapy, my lovely mother just took me 1 day that's it so I had to make my self forget about my accident... so I stared cutting, my life was torn apart, I was depress with no one to give me love. You may ask where my mom was to help me out, she was their, but she didnt help me get thru it. Cutting my risk made me feel alive, I knew what I was doing was so wrong but trust me when I felt that blade go thru my risk and saw the blood coming out... holy fuck it felt so fucking right. But you know what was the best about me cutting my risk that my wonderful mother knew... and she did not give a flying fuck! She didn't stop me or ask me why, she just looked and ignored. Time passes we go back to my grandmother to this little house, one room,one kitchen and one restroom. Living their inside that small house, grandmother uncle my mother and I. I had this neighbor she was my friend we would play every day together, till one day her father stared acting ... different, he woul "accedently" touch my ass or tell me "nice" complement. Till one night me and her wanet to play at sun down so I went and knock on her door, and her mother came out, she called her and she came out but told me she was going to shower quickly I told he I was going to wait outside, so I did... he came out looking at me strange, he  was talking to me strange too asking me if I know what a dick was and other wired questions, while we was doing that he was rubbing his dick, till he pulled it out... he grab me and wanet me to touch it, I pulled away then he ask me to go to his car that we where going to have so much fun. I said no and he decided to pull me from my hand and I slip of and told him I have to go to bed, then he told me not to tell anyone about this, that it was going to be our little secret. I answerd with a okay, he went inside his home and as soon I saw his door close I cried, I was scared and thinking why it happen to me again. Why! I went running to my house open the door crying and I told everyone, my mom surprisingly stood up and confructed him, my grandmother didn't want to call the cop, maybe she tought I was lying, maybe she thought I was mixing things but my uncle called them anyway, they got their arrested him and I was send to therapy again for the second time, and again I only went one day my mom completely ignore what happen to me and again I had to go thru it myself ,My solution start cutting more. My third attempt of rape was when I was in 8th grade, like any teenager I would get out of my house when my mother  was late night working and go to my boyfriend house, young love is the best till your boyfriend has a older brother and make you feel like you want to die, he went inside for a water and his brother was drunk, he tell me to follow him to the back of the house that he has some drinks in a cooler so I follow him. He pushes me against the wall and tells me I'm so sexy and pretty... I start panicking but I can't say a word or fight, he gets my hand and make me feel his junk, he here's my boyfriend is coming out side to he leaves me alone, he sits down on the chairs like nothing happen and I stay standing. I tell my lovely no clue boyfriend that I want to go home... he seems confuse, he walkes me all the way to my house, and I'm discusted and wanting to die! Remembering everything that has Happen to me. It time for a good bye kiss, I try to kiss him but I can't, I push him over and I scream to him to leave me alone. He looks at me and ask me what the fuck is wrong with me. I tell him crying how much I hate him and his brother, he looks at me confuse, not knowing a fucking clue, so I tell him and I tell him everything, and I mean everything that has happen to me. I fake that I feel so much better and that I'm fine. I lied to him, I went home... I sat on the couch and cried... I cut my risk but it's not making me feel alive, and I know if I cut deeper it will kill me, instead I decide to take some pills my mom had hidden from me... I take the whole flask and just sip on water. I lay down in bed just like I would go to sleep, so maybe next morning my mom thinks I'm asleep and not dead. I feel drowsy , I'm still crying, I can't hear anything not even myself cry, I look up and it looks blurry. I wake up wishing I didn't and feeling weak and throwing up. The different about this time is that no one knows just my 8th grade lover and who ever reads this. People that ask me about my past know what has happen and they question me how I made it thru and how am I so cheerful full of joy and happiness. I always laugh and tell them I don't know, but then again they only see the outside not the inside of me. I'm got thru this alone just me, myself, and I.