Her father had always been a quiet man.

He struggled for many years with depression and was hospitalized many times. This resulted in his losing several jobs. He was a band instructor and an excellent one. At several  schools, he was told that the band had never sounded so good as it did before he came. He also wrote music, hymns mostly, often working twenty hours per day, rarely sleeping some days. And the poems he wrote - so lovely. Even his handwriting was exquisitely beautiful. 

She longed for her father to pay attention to her. He rarely spoke to her, never acted interested in her or showed her any affection. He talked more to her brothers, though not very much.

He did notice her when he disciplined her - with a belt. He would hit her (her brothers, too) and ask “Have you had enough?” She would say “yes”, but he would just hit her again - and again, until finally it was over. Thankfully, this was not a frequent occurrence and ended before high school.  

She became engaged to a wonderful man in her late twenties and told her parents that they would be married in his church. She had not attended the church in which she was raised for several years. Her parents were furious and told her they would not attend the wedding if she did this. She was told that no one from their family would attend; they would instruct them not to. She became very distraught and depressed, as was her tendency. She was like her father in that way.  Both parents told her fiance she was ‘crazy’ and that he would be making a mistake by marrying her. Her father told her that she was ‘no longer his daughter.’ It got to the point that it seriously affected their relationship and he broke off the engagement.

Her father died three years later. She reconciled with both her parents prior to his death. She later heard stories from her mom about former students contacting him to say how much they had enjoyed having him for a teacher, that they had learned so much from him. She had a friend whose mother also had him in junior high band, and she said that she just loved him! She felt really proud hearing that. But she also wished that she could have known that side of her father. He had shown her a poem he had written for her when she was younger. She still has it and it means the world to her. 

He had a difficult time showing love because he had never felt the love of his own mother. He was always told growing up that he wasn’t wanted. His daughter never felt loved or wanted by either parent. She is so much like her father. But she knows how to love. She loves strongly, though has never had her own family. She finds other ways to show love, through giving to others.