EPISODE 1: FISHY WALL/WAR

 

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EPISODE 1: FISHY WALL/WAR

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE LAWN - MORNING

SOFIA, NADIA AND JULIA are lying on a small grassy knoll on Little Diomede, by a small college, on this small island of Alaska.

There’s a loud buzzing noise.

A plane crash lands on a massive hill behind them.

On it are the words ‘Democracy Flies’.

NADIA opens her eyes.

NADIA

What was that?

Everyone is awake now. They turn around.

SOFIA

A plane?

JULIA’s voice is muffled because of her veil.

JULIA

Oooompf wmpffff mm?

SOFIA

No. It’s not a drone. Far too big.

NADIA

It’s manned.

She rises. And a figure – CERA - emerges from the wreckage.

JULIA

Woooomph.

NADIA

You’re right Julia: Womanned.

The others stand and they all rush over to greet the pilot.

CERA looks pleased. She stretches like she just woke up.

NADIA

Excuse me. Are you okay? You just crashed.

CERA

That’s coz I’m loaded with too much information.

CERA laughs.

CERA (cont’d)

I’m Cera Palin, daughter of the politician.

She puts out a hand.

NADIA looks at the plane.

She grabs CERA’s hand and leads her away from the wreckage.

NADIA

Uh . . . I’m Nadia. My friends here are Sofia and Julia. We’re not related to politicians, far as we know. Did you . . . did you plan to crash here?

CERA

It’s only morning. But I’ll take you up on that. I’d love to stay.

NADIA

Oh. Yeah. Okay, sure. But I mean, did you plan to crash the plane into the hill?

CERA looks at the plane.

CERA

Oh. That? It’s my first time flying. What do you expect? I asked the people of Alaska should I fly, and the majority said ‘yes’. Don’t you love democracy?

SOFIA

I think you’re right, Julia, she’s a drone.

JULIA and SOFIA laugh.

CERA

Oh. Don’t step over the border dear. You stay on your side now.

SOFIA

What?

CERA

You’re one of those Russian Jews aren’t you? My plane must have seen your nose and thought it found a mate.

NADIA

Hey! Don’t talk to her like that?

CERA

You know her?

NADIA

She’s my best friend. Of course I know her. I just introduced you to her.

CERA

Awww. You named her. That’s so cute. What’s her name?

SOFIA

My name’s Sofia. You’re a little annoying.

CERA

You’re a little Jew dear.

There’s another plane crash. And another. The pilots emerge, like moles from a hill. They’re all shrugging.

SOFIA

No flying schools in Alaska?

CERA

There are schools for that?

SOFIA

Figures.

SOFIA sighs.

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE CITY HALL – MORNING

CERA strolls onto the stage with a wave like she was invited. It’s plain to see she wasn’t, from the plane one can see she wasn’t even flying properly.

CERA

Hello my friends! Hello! Thank you for welcoming me to your little island.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

Who are you?

CERA

Oh. Very funny. This is ‘Little’ Diomede, right? You guys aren’t Russians?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Your one of the pilots! You crashed into our island. Do you need help? We can fly you back to the mainland if you like.

CERA

Help? No. You helping me? That’s preposterous. Look, I know it’s dawning on most of you right now, and you’re starting to feel a little embarrassed, maybe even a little pathetic, but I am indeed the daughter of Sarah Palin.

She raises a hand.

CERA

Oh please, stop the applause.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3

We didn’t start.

RANDY

And say we did start, you didn’t stop when you flew into our hill so why should we therefore stop?

This RANDY looks like he’s a little tipsy.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Randy, by that logic we would be applauding her for crashing into the hill.

RANDY

Well, maybe . . .

RANDY picks up a glass of wine and takes a sip.

RANDY

Maybe she was making a recess. A recess in the hill.

He turns to CERA.

RANDY

Is your purpose here the creation of recesses my dear lady? Perhaps you come like a stream to poke the ground like sharp waves.

CERA

What? No. That’s not at all why I’m here. Obviously, as I’m sure the others among you are well aware, I am here to promote myself. Though I’m sure I don’t need to. I am the daughter of Sarah Palin.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

You said that already?

RANDY

Where’s Sarah Pale Inn? People always raise the bars too high. I can never get to them anymore. But I will fly you back to the mainland at no cost if you will show me to this Pale Inn you so fervently speak of, my dear.

CERA shakes her head.

CERA

No. I mean . . . you’re a pilot?! How can ‘you’ be a pilot?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3

With all do respect, lady, you just crash landed on our hill.

A man runs into the city hall.

MAN

On the planes are the words ‘Democracy Flies’, on every single one! Pests is what they are indeed. More and more are landing on our precious hill.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3

This woman is one of the pilots.

She points at CERA.

People begin to chatter.

RANDY

Is this some kind of attack? What is this democracy you represent? The only solution, I believe firmly, is for me to fly my plane into a brown bear immediately. We need to eat in order to feel better after drinking so much, when we’re hung over.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4

We cannot just kill brown bears.

There’s a resounding ‘yes’ from the others present.

CERA

We’d all much rather eat bear than some hippie-leaf toilet paper and period blood borscht, or whatever it is you guys eat here.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5

Hey! We like our food! I’m not sure I like you coming to our island and telling us what to eat. This whole democracy thing: I ain’t buying it.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4

Yeah.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Hell yeah!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

All in favour of not flying a plane into a brown bear?!

The audience cheers.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

I believe the yays have it.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

All in favour of not buying democracy?

Again the audience cheers.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

Yays have it again. In that case, Randy, you will be flying your plane into the closest brown bear this afternoon. For the good of the island.

They carry RANDY off in celebration.

CERA shrugs.

EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – AFTERNOON

A crowd are gathered. They have binoculars.

CROWD MEMBER 1

We have to watch these bears carefully. And watch they don’t get poached, specifically. Coz we always play pacifically.

CROWD MEMBER 2

Stop rhyming. It lessens the seriousness of your words.

CROWD MEMBER 1

Alternatively, it may be that lessons are taken more seriously if absurd.

There’s a plane. It appears out of nowhere.

CROWD MEMBER 3

Guys! Look!

He signals the plane.

CROWD MEMBER 1

Traditionally we watch out for spears. Planes are too plain to be queer.

The plane almost crashes into a brown bear.

CROWD MEMBER 2

Oh my god! They tried to kill our leader: KimBearly-un!

CROWD MEMBER 1

There’s only one thing we can do.

CROWD MEMBER 2

Drop a nuclear bomb on the Diomede Islands? I’ll get it prepared.

CROWD MEMBER 1

What? No! Have you picked up nothing from my rhymes? We’re peaceful, not deceitful or equal to those who commit crimes, and besides why should we direct a prequel to yet another war of the times? We must attack them virtually. We’ll stop them from making movies.

He removes his cell from his pocket and types a few commands.

CROWD MEMBER 2

What are you doing?

CROWD MEMBER 1

Leaking confidential information about people working at Sony Pictures. And threatening nine-eleven style attacks on the animals (meaning ‘brown bears’ of course).

CROWD MEMBER 2

But Sony Pictures isn’t on the Diomede Islands. And I don’t think any brown bears are there either.

CROWD MEMBER 1 scratches his head.

CROWD MEMBER 1

Look, my specialty is rhyming, not intelligence. Okay? I didn’t sign up for this gig!

CROWD MEMBER 2

Never mind. I’m sure no one will take the threat seriously.

EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – AFTERNOON

RANDY emerges from the plane he crashed.

He points at the bear.

RANDY

Aha! I should have known. You pulled my plane down, didn’t you Mr. Bear? Typical Russian. You’re Putin, aren’t you? Well, I’ve had it! I’m sick of puttin’ up with you scary Soviets!

He charges at the bear.

The bear holds out a paw to stop him.

The bear pats RANDY on the back then grabs his shirt and drags him along the ground carefully.

RANDY (cont’d)

What is the meaning of this? Where are you taking me?

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE CITY HALL – AFTERNOON

RANDY’s wife, SANDY, is on stage speaking.

SANDY

My husband has been missing now for . . .

She looks at her watch.

SANDY (cont’d)

over ten minutes! I think we should be concerned. No one is ever missing for that long from view of people on this island. It’s a tiny island.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

Maybe he wanted to get away from you because you’re a bitch!

SANDY scratches her head.

SANDY

No. Many people think I’m not. The majority of people here, actually.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

But we voted that we don’t like democracy anymore.

SANDY gasps.

SANDY

My god! Then perhaps I am indeed a bitch. We need to find my RANDY. I need to apologise for being a bitch.

CERA

He was probably eaten by brown bears.

SANDY

What?

CERA

He was probably eaten by brown bears. Happens all the time. We must wage war against all brown bears! This is the only reasonable solution to this crisis. Just the thought of Care Bears makes me sick to my stomach. I really feel very sick.

SANDY

Perhaps you should eat something. You’re skinny as a tac.

CERA

A tac top is fat! You think I’m fat!?

CERA runs out of the hall.

SANDY

So we’re all in agreement that this new arrival – CERA – is a little nuts?

The audience members shout ‘yes’.

SANDY sighs.

SANDY

I guess we should give her a rifle then. Since we hate democracy.

She holds up a rifle.

NADIA

Wait a second!

SANDY

Yes, Nadia.

NADIA

Well, it was a democratic decision to label democracy as evil, so therefore it shouldn’t be considered evil. Am I right?

People murmur everywhere.

NADIA (cont’d)

Maybe witchcraft is the solution. I can placate these bears from afar. I assure you. Just make that rifle into a wand.

SANDY shrugs. She looks at the people in the audience. They’re all nodding.

SANDY

We have consensus and we also have consensus that consensus is good and desirable. I rule that Wiccan Democracy is the answer.

She bangs the rifle on the podium.

It goes off.

Luckily no one is hit.

NADIA

Take the ammo out of the rifle. That’s how you turn it into a wand. Just fyi.

EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – AFTERNOON

The bear taps an ice block like it’s telephone wires. The ice block happens to be the shape of Kim Jong-un’s head. Inside are fish, frozen fish.

RANDY

Oh. You want to get to the fish? You just want food like everyone else. And, like for everyone else, it’s dictators who are the enemy. And we shouldn’t confuse ordinary citizens with evil dictators.

The bear continues to tap the ice.

RANDY

Oh, of course. You only speak bear.

He looks around.

RANDY

I got it! I’ll fly my plane into the ice block! I think it still works. Maybe we can grab a drink afterwards? Do you drink vodka?

The bear shrugs. He starts hitting the block.

RANDY

Okay, okay. I’ll get the plane!

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE LAWN - MORNING

CERA is lying down and stabbing Care Bears with a stick.

CERA

Hurts! I’m in such pain. Coz of Care Bears everywhere. Fuckin’ Care Bears are killing me.

JULIA offers CERA some vegetables.

JULIA

Ohhhmn oomph oooooh oooowwwmph.

CERA

No. These aren’t hunger pains. The pain is because of the electromagnetic radiation the Russians are sending to America. They’re always doing something. Pesky Commie Socialist scum.

JULIA sighs.

CERA (cont’d)

What do you guys do here all day, anyway?

NADIA

We go to college. We’re doing classes on cross cultural communication. You should probably join us.

CERA

America’s the greatest nation. Why would I wanna communicate with lesser cultures?

NADIA

Suit yourself. We’ll see you later.

They head off to class.

EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – DUSK

RANDY’s flying into the ice block.

RANDY

Let me break the ice!

He does. He flies into the massive ice block that’s shaped like Kim Jong-un’s stupid head. The frozen fish are free, in more ways than one.

RANDY hops out of the plane and runs to the bear’s side.

RANDY (cont’d)

There you go, buddy. Now I gotta get back to my island.

The bear offers him a fish.

RANDY (cont’d)

You’re sharing? Is that even in our constitution? Are you maybe a koala bear who fell out of a tree into a pile of shit? I don’t know what I’m seeing here. Bears sharing fish! Crazy.

He takes the fish nonetheless. And nods a ‘thank you’.

RANDY (cont’d)

It’s probably bearly fishy. I’m sure it tastes like bear-sweat flavoured fish.

He stares at it.

The crowd from earlier return.

CROWD MEMBER 1

The ice is broken! Now we have free speech! I declare war on all ice sheets. Global warming must continue or we will be invaded by the inhabitants of the Diomede Islands. These billions of people will overrun us and make us into slaves.

CROWD MEMBER 2

Shut the fuck up!

CROWD MEMBER 1

I’m serious. If we don’t use nuclear weapons the whole planet is doomed.

SARAH PALIN appears out of nowhere (or her house, where we may know it to be or not to be. That isn’t a question).

SARAH PALIN

Yeah. Nuke the Russians!

She notices RANDY.

SARAH PALIN

Oi! What are you doing on my land? You bear fucker!

RANDY

Hey! Your daughter flew a plane into OUR island: Little Diomede. Just waltzed into the town hall like she owns the place.

SARAH PALIN

My daughter’s there? Probably best we don’t nuke the island just yet then.

RANDY

You wanna nuke our island?

SARAH PALIN

No, no, silly. Just Big Diomede. In case the Russians are coming. Have you seen them lately? They look seriously evil. I think they wanna eat us.

RANDY

That’s crazy. We live with Russians. They’re perfectly normal.

SARAH PALIN

Sure. When they’re not eating people. They’re almost like . . .

She looks around and sees the bear. Then points at it.

SARAH PALIN (cont’d)

They’re like them.

The bear holds out a fish as a peace offering, and tilts his head to the side, and looks all cute-like.

SARAH PALIN

That bear’s evil! Because he’s deliberately not acting evil so that I can’t prove my point. Someone kill it now!

CROWD MEMBER 1

Yeah! Kill KimBearly-un! We have freedom of speech now!

RANDY

Whoa! Guys, wait! The bear has done nothing wrong. Forget about what he represents. This is all in your mind. Only real dictators are the enemy.

CROWD MEMBER 1

He’s commanding us with authority to do what he wants. He’s dictating! And he’s with the bear. Kill ‘em both!

RANDY runs back to his plane.

The poor brown bear gets shot.

EXT. BIG DIOMEDE DUSK

JULIAN ASSANGE is talking to his daughter via Skype.

JULIAN

Julia. If you look east from the middle of the little island you’ll see that in the middle of this eastern land there’s unrest.

JULIA

In the middle of the eastern land from my perspective? You mean Alaska?

JULIAN

Yes. Of course. Sorry. I can be overly descriptive. Anyway, I hacked into the e-mails of people there after they hacked into the private information of Sony Pictures employees. And it seems like they’re planning to drop a nuclear bomb on Big Diomede. No one’s listening to me. Everyone in power says that the Americans must be the good guys all the time. It’s in the constitution or some shit. So they won’t believe that some of them are either evil or extremely dim-witted. I think Sarah Palin is in on this.

JULIA

What should I do dad?

JULIAN

Warn everyone to get off the island. Or . . .

JULIA

What?

JULIAN

Or convince Sarah Palin’s daughter to stay there for a while. Whatever’s easiest.

JULIA

I’ll do my best.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY NIGHT

RANDY emerges from his plane.

Almost all the inhabitants are there to greet him.He's a little dazed.

RANDY

I finished the cold wall!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

Huh?

RANDY

I finished the cold . . .

NADIA elegantly touches a wand to his lips

RANDY (cont’d)

war!

Everyone cheers.

SOFIA

You do all realize that Russia’s on the other side, right?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Nadia has moved Russia! It’s magic! Real magic!

NADIA shrugs.

SOFIA sighs.

SOFIA

Look, Russia has always been where it is. It hasn’t been, and doesn’t need to be, moved in order to bring about the end of an imaginary war. Russians are both similar to and different to Americans but, importantly, everyone’s an individual. We need to appreciate the differences and similarities and work together to make the world a better place.

By now the crowd – aside from NADIA and JULIA – have marched away from SOFIA.

CROWD

America the best! America the best!

SOFIA looks at NADIA.

SOFIA

Do they even realize you’re Russian?

NADIA

They’re very forgetful.

JULIA

Goooooomph wooomph woooomph mmmmph.

SOFIA

You got a call from your dad? What did he say?

JULIA

Mmmmmph rooomph wooomph mmmph.

NADIA

Why would Alaskans want to drop a nuclear bomb on Big Diomede?

JULIA

Birrrrtch!

SOFIA

Oh. Sarah Palin’s preaching to them again. Wait! She’s not gonna do anything so long as her daughter’s here.

JULIA nods.

NADIA

We have to convince Cera to stay so that one of our islands won’t be nuked?

JULIA nods.

NADIA

This is crazy! How?

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PHILOSOPHER’S SUITE DAWN

Philosophers, in some suite, on this sweet little Little Diomede island, debate the plausibility of reincarnation.

PHILOSOPHER 1

Reincarnation seems plausible because there is surely a small probability that whatever reaction led to the creation of a specific consciousness could again occur.

PHILOSOPHER 2

But according to the law of entropy, the second law of thermodynamics, disorder or randomness only increases with time.

PHILOSOPHER 1

Ahh. But what about when the universe stops expanding and begins to contract?

PHILOSOPHER 2

So what? Toast will not turn back into bread. Bits of it will just coalesce and we’ll see some toast balls like massive balls are suddenly very popular.

PHILOSOPHER 1

That may be so. And surely pleasantly gay indeed. But atoms are not bread. Most atoms have not been destroyed. We know about the few that have. And if atoms make up consciousness is it not plausible that certain ones can once again coalesce into the figurative ball of self that once was the basis for a past individual’s awareness?

Suddenly NADIA enters the room, as if by magic.

NADIA

Hey philosophers! I hope I’m not interrupting some important philosophical conversation on the meaning of life or anything, but I need you guys to help us build a snow sculpture of Cera so that she’ll stay on the island an her mom, Sarah Palin, won’t drop a nuclear bomb on Big Diomede.

PHILOSOPHER 1

How fitting you should request our assistance. Putting people together and not allowing atoms to be destroyed relates perfectly to what we were discussing just now.

PHILOSOPHER 2

True. Count us in.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY DAY

The philosophers are making a snow sculpture of CERA. We see a close-up. It’s remarkable. It could easily win the hearts of onlookers. In her hands she’s holding what looks like ‘less than 3’, but we can see more, and we see what seems like figures together (<3).

NADIA, JULIA, and SOFIA arrive.

NADIA

Wow! You guys don’t waste any time.

PHILOSOPHER 1

We cannot agree on the plausibility of reincarnation so we cannot agree that there is any time to waste. So we have to make the most of what we have.

PHILOSOPHER 2

So this is our sculpture of Cera. She is, beyond doubt, a very beautiful woman. It seems likely that she could therefore rule the land through beauty alone. We have to work to give her compassion and wisdom.

PHILOSOPHER 1

But carefully. Very carefully, so she does not think of us as elitist.

SOFIA

Do I smell Jasmine?

PHILOSOPHER 2

Yes. Very true. We have covered the sculpture with the scent of jasmine.

PHILOSOPHER 1

And also some indole by the arse to remind people that her shit may stink.

PHILOSOPHER 2

We should maybe rethink that. Cera may take it the wrong way.

PHILOSOPHER 1

It was less than three percent of the aromatic solution.

PHILOSOPHER 2

Well, that doesn’t smell fishy then.

They laugh.

SOFIA, NADIA, and JULIA turn to see CERA dragging her feet along the snow.

NADIA

Hey Cera! These guys made a snow sculpture of you. It’s to welcome you to our island.

CERA’s stunned.

She wanders up to the surreal snowwoman.

CERA

Wow.

She begins to weep.

CERA

You have all allied yourselves with me in my quest for world domination through the spreading of American imperialism. And I’m so appropriately white. And there’s no sculpture of Sofia because she is clearly recognised as a lesser human than I clearly am. This is so nice guys.

JULIA is angry.

JULIA

Rmmmmph mmmmph rmmmmph!

CERA

Awww. You don’t need a sculpture dear. No one knows what you look like under your veil anyway.

NADIA takes a deep breath. She takes the hands of JULIA and SOFIA.

She whispers.

NADIA

I’m getting angry. Let’s leave before she does. Or our whole island will be destroyed.

They take off.

EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – DUSK

SARAH PALIN is a little angry, pacing the Alaskan shore like she’s SNOOKI on Jersey’s.

SARAH

It would appear as though my daughter’s presence on Little Diomede is a major impediment to world domination. We can’t nuke the Russians when she’s there. And there’s no way I can get in touch with her.

We notice now that SARAH PALIN is actually riding STEVE SCHMIDT, her advisor.

STEVE

My back hurts.

SARAH

Yes. It’s like our backs hurt, coz the Press are always on them. We need to think up a way to get the Press off our backs and my daughter back.

STEVE

No. Mine.

SARAH

Sorry Steve, you’re being silly now. Mines will not help us. We can’t just throw mines at the Russians from Alaska. How dumb do you think I am? Now please move faster so we can get the Press off our backs. You were just complaining about this.

STEVE sighs.

We notice some blood on STEVE’s face: menstrual blood.

STEVE

It must be your time of the month Sarah. You may want to clean up yourself.

SARAH

Oh, I do. I do so want to make a profit. Yes Steve. We must pay a visit to an oil company. Maybe there’s oil under Big Diomede. The oil people can rescue my daughter and blow up the island. Where’s an oil company, Steve?

STEVE groans.

STEVE

Anchorage. But we’re nowhere near . . .

SARAH

To Anchorage! Giddy up boy!

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE TOWN HALL NIGHT

CERA’s on stage and speaking like she’s delivering an acceptance speech.

CERA

My mother can’t see me now. Unless she’s watching me from Alaska. And that means she’d see the big massive sculpture erected in my honor. I always knew that I was special, and that Russians and Jews were not, and so it is only fitting that you all honor me here today with your snow sculpture. My mom would be proud that I have now conquered the islands just east of Russia and that the people, including at least one Jew, have not put up a fight because they know in their hearts that America is and always will be number one and they realize that cooperation with a Jew for such a long period of time would eventually lead them down a road of heartbreak and despair.

CERA clears her throat. She looks around, searching for SOFIA. She looks at SOFIA.

CERA (cont’d)

Is there anything you would like to say, Jew? Would you like to apologize to everyone, for having led them down a road of heartbreak and despair? Or do you just wanna keep standing there with your nose like a finger pointing at people, accusing everyone who looks at you of being nosey, when it’s you, dear Jew, who have the most nosey nose.

NADIA

Actually, I think everyone here has a big nose. Coz it’s now pretty obvious, Cera, that your shit stinks!

The crowd cheers.

CERA

What? What is this? You all love me. You just made a sculpture of me.

SOFIA

Not you. An alternative you. A new you who would foster peace, love and unity. A new you who would help us convince your mother not to . . .

NADIA blocks SOFIA’s mouth.

NADIA

not to disown you.

CERA

Huh?

NADIA

That’s right. She hasn’t come to pick you up because you’ve disappointed her. She wants you to learn from us. Until then, mainland America is off-limits to you. We heard this and wanted to make you feel welcome here so we had the sculpture made.

CERA

But this whole island is America’s pimple.

NADIA

No Cera, we’re building a new America and this is the west wing. And this small town is the capital. Capitals matter, so we’re in the real West Wing of the twenty first century. And if you try your best to understand the people of both Russia and America then maybe one day you can be a real leader.

CERA

So this is a mutiny? Just like that, a mutiny. Already.

CERA starts climbing a ladder that appears out of nowhere.

CERA

Well, I will not step down. I will continue to climb the ladder with sails, until they go through the roof . . .

She does, wearing only American flags.

She immediately descends.

CERA (cont’d)

It’s actually rather cold out, with only sails on. I thought maybe that if they went through the roof they would be more substantial.

NADIA

Wrong ‘sails’. We’re not on the mainland, and you’re not selling anything substantial. And when one spell(‘)s well that helps. You really need to be more down to earth right now.

CERA leaps from the stage, stagediving into a receding crowd.

CERA

I am America!

She falls flat on her face.

NADIA

Little better.

EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY DAWN

SARAH PALIN’s shooting brown bears.

SARAH

Brown bear die!

She shoots. A brown bear falls down.

SARAH (cont’d)

Yay! Go America! Brown bear die!

Again she shoots an innocent Alaskan brown bear. She jumps up and down with excitement after the bear falls.

SARAH (cont’d)

It’s road kill now, and now we can make a road here. Road kill without a road makes no sense. And stupid lefties make no sense. I have rights. So I don’t wanna be left alone, lost in Alaska, without roads! Are you writing this down, Steve? This is gold. Oh, we need gold too! Under roads! We gotta dig roads up to get gold.

She looks up at the sky like she’s a philosopher. Then, out of the corner of her eye SARAH sees something moving.

SARAH (cont’d)

Brown bear that’s in shape of human. Die!

Then she accidently shoots a Nigerian boy.

STEVE

You just shot a Nigerian boy.

SARAH

Are they a protected species?

STEVE looks at some documents.

STEVE

Um . . . two thousand dead in the last week. No world leaders seem to give a shit. No, I guess they’re not.

SARAH

Phew. Thought I did something wrong then. Don’t scare me like that, Steve. What was I meant to be doing anyway?

STEVE

We were looking for an oil company. To find someone who can save your daughter and then cooperate with you to blow up some of Russia.

SARAH

Yes. Indeed we were. Keep me updated on how that’s all working out, will you Steve?

STEVE

Well, right now you appear to be side-tracked and shooting bears, Mrs. Palin.

SARAH

Side tracks? No, Steve! We are interested in roads. Proper American roads! We don’t wanna walk on tiny side tracks. Put that in my speech, will you Steve? I don’t ever take side tracks to get where I’m going. I take roads coz I’m an American. Kill bears, take roads, eat beef, smoke fags, and kill Nigerians.

STEVE

Not sure about that last part.

SARAH

You said they weren’t protected. You’re not scared of the environmentalists are you Steve?

STEVE

No. no. no. It’s just that many people consider the taking or under appreciation of human life to be immoral.

SARAH

We need a war to sort that out.

STEVE

We already had the Civil War, Mrs. Palin.

SARAH

Ahh yes. I think I remember that. That was when I shot the twenty Nigerians.

STEVE

No. That was last week.

SARAH

Look, I’m not a historian Steve. I don’t know everything. Now, kindly direct me to the nearest oil company. I want to walk on oil, over dead penguins, like Jesus. You can’t walk on water without dead penguins underneath you. Or was that Moses who walked on water? No, I’m sure Moses parted the oil. He parted, so he died. Simple English. If you don’t understand that you shouldn’t be here in America.

SARAH shoots another Nigerian boy.

STEVE

Maybe shoot fewer Nigerians while you’re campaigning.

SARAH

Oh Steve. That was a bear, silly. You just have my glasses in your hand. You should be wearing them. Then you’ll be able to see for yourself.

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY DAY

CERA’s making snowcastles in the shape of servants, fervently and on purpose like a surfer figuratively digging herself into a hole in the form of a pipe dream.

NADIA approaches CERA.

NADIA

Hey Cera. You know, we really want to help you feel welcome here.

CERA

You’re very nice. I even made a sculpture of you.

CERA points at one.

NADIA

There’s a massive hole in the head.

CERA

Arms were too small. I had to compensate.

NADA

Huh?

CERA

Arms, guns, bullets, holes. Connect the dots on your ugly face and you make a fake expression.

NADIA puts a hand on CERA’s shoulder.

NADIA

Cera, please don’t think we’re rejecting you. We want to talk to you. We want to discuss things. What did you think we would be like before you came here? Did you think we would just worship you because you’re SARAH PALIN’s daughter?

CERA

I didn’t even mean to come here. I was heading to an oil company in Anchorage. I wanted to show them that I was flexible and willing to get into oil. So I flew the plane like I was oil from an oil spill in the air. Then I ended up here. And now I’m in a foreign country . . .

NADIA

This is still Alaska.

CERA

You said my mother sent me here? How did she take control of the plane? Was I in a drone? Why would she do that? Everyone voted for me to be the one to fly to the oil company. It was unanimous. But I didn’t make it.

NADIA

Maybe democracy isn’t always the best solution. I assume all those other pilots were democratically elected to fly to the oil company. And they all crashed into our hill. They’re dead now.

CERA nods.

CERA

They died for their country. Very brave pilots.

NADIA

But they weren’t pilots. That’s why they died. That’s the point. They didn’t know how to fly, and that’s why they didn’t find the oil company and crashed into our hill.

CERA

No. They were pilots. They had cards saying so. We all signed them. Look. This is mine.

CERA removes a card from her pocket and shows it to NADIA.

It says: ‘Democracy Flies Best! Elected pilot Cera Palin. This pilot was judged by the masses to be awesome. Every aspect of this pilot is totally fit for television. Voters say that nudity is more important than knowledge. Watch this pilot fly!’

NADIA

No offense, but a pilot should be more than this. You don’t even know whether anyone ever made it to the oil company.

CERA shrugs.

CERA

Doesn’t matter. The refineries will grow and grow. They will reach us all. We don’t have to move. And more people will have jobs. And more people will be happy. Now, where are some guys I can show my breasts to? They’ll at least say they want oil. They always do. Democracy rules!

CERA runs off.

NADIA sighs, staring at the card. It’s oily. She sniffs it.

INT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRIROTY CABIN DUSK

SARAH PALIN is checking her e-mail. STEVE’s by her side, panting like a dog. He licks the laptop screen.

SARAH looks at STEVE.

SARAH

You shouldn’t lick screens. That creates a slippery slope.

STEVE

Seems like that’s what you hired me for.

SARAH opens an e-mail from her daughter. She reads it.

SARAH

‘Mommy! No one’s listening to me! I need big breasts!’

SARAH looks at STEVE.

SARAH (cont’d)

Oh no! They’ve turned my daughter gay, those commie scum. We must send giant penises to the island immediately, so they’ll be erected there like baobab trees. If we can just show her beautiful cocks then we can save her.

There’s a knock on the hard wood.

STEVE

That’s probably someone from the oil company.

SARAH

Ahh, yes. A prick with lubrication. Send him in.

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PSYCH CLASS DAY

Some psychology instructor named PSY is summarizing the sorry state of America for his students. He’s standing in front of a board like it’s directors, and drawing them.

PSY

What we see here are Americans. They’re a peculiar bunch. They are much like sperm when they wanna be. Some are “kamikaze sperm”: Democrats fighting Republicans. Then pricks – leaders, directors – stand up, looking like flagpoles, and all the sperm get excited and start running up hills to chant ‘American democracy! Yay!’ But these pricks aren’t doing anything. They’re just standing there. They don’t do anything. They’re just symbols, like flags and flag poles. Obama’s just a symbol. He’s a sock puppet. He needs a hand coz he’s a prick. And the hand is that of corporate power.

NADIA looks at SOFIA.

NADIA

Try convincing Cera that leaders are just pricks and lapdogs.

PSY

But symbols can be powerful. Very powerful. Symbols can get everyone’s attention.

He walks over to a nearby window, and just stands there, staring at the snow-covered hill.

PSY

Cummmmmmmmmmmm!

He hums. Like a Buddhist.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PERIMETER DAY

It’s through the windows that we initially see CERA strolling down the shore, followed by an ever-growing number of sheep-like men.

It’s the tapping of the fingers of the students on desks that marks the first beats in what’s sure to be some parody of some popular song.

On one window is written in dew: ‘While intelligence is idling ignorance prevails’.

The tune to OMI’s Cheerleader begins to play.

NADIA, JULIA, and SOFIA emerge from their classroom in disbelief.

NADIA

What the fuck?

The men are like tools trying to get into a box (vagina). They shall be named accordingly. And CERA’s like a bot-blonde.

The words are to the tune of Cheerleader.

NAIL

We’ve fine’ly grown a nation/

There’s no confusion, you can see/

My dick’s way long. There. Stare!/

Indeed we see NAIL’s dick, then Nail actually becomes NAIL’s dick.

HAMMER

We will all wait at the border

til we get her order/

Then we’ll hammer those attempting

to gain entry to our lots/

‘You(’re/r) flat! Stay!’/

CERA hits HAMMER on the head.

CERA

No, don’t lease please/

Be cruel, prick! Be petty/

I’ll get dates for you for beating, (take the cake)

help you find hos, and lead this war/

SPANNER

So, I’m turning around and cheering my leader/

I’m a spanner and mad for her beaver/

HAMMER

I’m mad, hammering now, and cheering my leader/

I’m a hammer and mad for her beaver/

NADIA sighs.

NADIA

I guess Cera’s a cheesy pop sensation now. And she has the dumbest men of the island wrapped around her finger. Personally, I prefer to be wrapped around fingers.

SOFIA

Yep. So does she.

We see CERA’s having sex with HAMMER and NAIL.

NADIA

Well, they may be having stupid sex, but that doesn’t mean our sex is stupid, or that sex is stupid. Just that Cera’s having sex with tools she wants to use to invade a country like she’s Hitler. In short, this really isn’t looking too good.

Worst sex ever.

INT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRIROTY CABIN DAY

SARAH PALIN is inspecting some ten-foot dildos given to her by a representative of the nearest oil company.

SARAH

So, the Russians think they’re smarter than us when it comes to making rockets. Well, we can kill two birds with one stone (hopefully Russian) by turning these dildos the oil man gave us into rockets and sending them to Little Diomede. Cera will see how beautiful penises are, and the Russians will see how beautiful our rockets are.

STEVE looks at his penis.

SARAH (cont’d)

Not yours! Put it away.

STEVE tucks his dick back into his pants.

STEVE

Sorry. I was thinking about the launch. My mind wandered.

He accidently lights his dick on fire.

STEVE

Ahhhhhhh! My dick’s on fire! Call nine . . . one one.

SARAH

I thought there were two ones in the number.

STEVE

Ahhhhh! Blow me against a wall!

SARAH

Okay. There’s only oil-filled dildos here, but they’ll do.

SARAH runs over to STEVE and puts her back against a massive dildo.

STEVE

Noooooo!

SARAH puts his burning penis in her mouth.

Her lips catch fire.

Now, the OIL MAN appears.

OIL MAN

We knew this would happen.

Before SARAH can burst into flames, the OIL MAN covers her in foam from an extinguisher.

STEVE

Thank god you came.

 

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PERIMETER DAY

Still, all are still but for their arms moving as they ostensibly try to move arms quickly to the colonies on the island made up of maybe a single man each, all of them single and staring every single second at their leader: CERA.

They sing like folk singers working on a railroad, though still to the tune of Cheerleader.

RAILROAD SPIKE

Peace talks sound like yodels/

We have a mission so these hippies should be toppled. Get snares/

Their lines are ripped by our struts/

In lines we strut. We’re ripped rock!/

Hippies’ lines are so pathetic/

Fuck them when they come along/

Should gays stay?/

CERA

No, don’t lease please/

Be cruel, prick! Be petty/

I’ll get dates for you for beating, (take the cake)

help you find hos, and lead this war/

RAILROAD SPIKE

I’m as sharp as profound pieces of lit-ra-ture/

At least ac-cord-ing to our own scripture/

So, I’m fucking the ground and cheering my leader/

I’m a spike and I’m mad for her beaver/

NADIA sighs.

SOFIA

They look like they’re preparing for war. They’re making weapons. We’re not even at war with anybody.

NADIA

Cera hates a lot of people. I’m pretty sure it’s because she prefers to build an army than actually get to know anyone a little different to her.

JULIA

Smmmmmph wmmmph oomph.

SOFIA

North American hospitality indeed.

INT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRIROTY CABIN DAY

SARAH PALIN is drunk, and drawing flames on STEVE’s head.

SARAH

Tell me, wise Steve, if the media cover this match, will it be with oil? I want the pesky commies to really see me, you see.

STEVE

What match? I told you my head is not a soccer ball! And they will probably use cameras, not oil.

SARAH starts treating STEVE’s head like a drum, using matches for drumsticks.

SARAH

My match! We need to make big fireballs. That way the Russians will know we struck oil first. We’re winning. Always winning. And they’re cold and lonely and stupid. And they smell funny, like they’re not bathing in oil like we are. I want them to see Alaska on fire.

STEVE

But are you not concerned they may get the wrong idea?

SARAH

What! That we’re not a nation rich in oil, proudly displaying our wealth?

STEVE

Well, yeah. They may think that Alaska’s on fire.

SARAH laughs.

SARAH

Yes. They would be that silly. Alaska’s on earth, not fire. They can’t even comprehend the basic elements: earth, fire, wind, and water. They are so intellectually backward. They probably put everything they can see on their silly periodic table: gold, silver, copper, aluminium, tin. Their tables are probably full of worthless junk. We’ll win match after match, and they’ll see every flame we make. And they’ll never turn the tables coz they haven’t even invented the wheel yet, and they can’t drive. Stupid dumb Russians. We need to set fire to our oil or they won’t know that they’re stupid and dumb.

STEVE

Maybe we should just do one thing at a time. We’ll launch our massive dildos and see how the people of Little Diomede respond when these crash into their island.

SARAH

They will admire us, no doubt. And my daughter will love dicks again, like people loved Nixon, that Dick Nixon. We need to show her how much each of us can look like a Dick with a capital D. Oh! We need to be inside the giant dildos!

STEVE

Again, let’s just go ahead with the original plan first. We don’t want to get too ambitious.

SARAH

Sorry. I forget that I’m too smart sometimes. It could scare people.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PERIMETER DAY

CERA is standing on top of a car. And the thing about cars on these islands is they’re stationary. Stationary’s good, like stationery. There’s something to write about, like the dove-like marks hands occasionally make on frosted windscreens as occupants make love.

CERA is speaking to a crowd of tool-like men, ten of them.

CERA

I see that the hippies here think that cars are for parking, and parking alone. Well, I say we get things moving. I say we put oil into these cars.

PHILOSOPHER

This is preposterous! We have no roads. Why waste oil? Cars are a place to think. They’re where we listen to music. They’re where we make love to our lovers. We don’t need them to move. We’re moving enough, even more than we would be otherwise. We’re exercising.

CERA laughs.

CERA

Does this sound like a real man? A real man wants oil in his automobile. A real man will perform donuts regardless of space.

SPANNER

Yeah! Tough man can turn! We turn!

CERA

If you wanna impress me, you’ll dig these cars out of the snow, and you’ll perform the best, loudest, craziest donuts you’ve ever performed. And you’ll use the most oil you possibly can. Fuck possibly getting a can of it, you’ll get barrels and barrels of the shit! Now dig until the sky falls down . . . or it rains oil.

The dumber men all cheer.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PERIMETER DUSK

As night begins to fall, looking like oil, so do massive dildos on fire, looking like missiles.

CERA runs out of a building and points up at the sky.

CERA

They’re dicks! They’re massive pricks! We’re under attack by massive pricks! We must shoot in the direction they’re coming from. Men! Arm yourselves with weapons!

They can’t hear her. They’re in their cars. She points at the Bering Strait between the States and Little Diomede. And they all drive into the water. Idiots!

CERA sighs.

CERA

Arrrrrrgh! We need to attack. Attack the people attacking us! Anybody!?

ABBY MARTIN, from Russia Today appears by CERA’s side.

ABBY

Ahhh. You can almost feel the anger Cera feels, can you not? She believes she is under attack by Russians, I’m sure.

CERA

Yes. Of course! The commie scum are attacking our island! We must shoot to kill. Arm yourself woman. Stop reporting and fight! Fight!

ABBY

But, you see dear, you are not even looking in the direction of Russia.

CERA

What? That’s nonsense.

CERA points at Alaska.

CERA (cont’d)

The dildo missiles are coming from there. So that is Russia! Are you stupid?

ABBY

No no dear. That is Alaska. I thought I should come here to tell you that it is your mother dropping the dildos on the island. Now, I don’t think you want to shoot your mother now do you?

CERA’s stunned.

CERA

Wha . . . what? Mommy? But we’re at war with . . .

CERA turns around. A group of peaceful Russians are standing behind her, waving ‘hello/privyet’. And an East Siberian brown bear.

CERA points at the bear.

CERA

That’s Allah!

ABBY

No no no. It’s an East Siberian brown bear.

CERA

It’s Allah in disguise!

The East Siberian brown bear removes its costume. It’s a smaller East Siberian brown bear. You know how it is with matryoshka dolls.

ABBY

Nope. Still a bear.

Again the bear removes a layer of bear, and more layers, until he cannot even be seen by the naked eye.

ABBY (cont’d)

He’s smaller than a nanoparticle now. If he’s Allah then we’ll need a scientist to figure it out. Anyway, that’s trivial. Can we focus now on not attacking Alaska? Sarah Palin has lost her mind again. I think you should just talk to your mom.

ABBY hands CERA a megaphone.

CERA nods. She puts it to her mouth.

CERA

Je suis Mommy!

A dildo missile pauses mid-air. It softens. All the incoming dildos do.

ABBY

Good. I’ve stopped the Palins from destroying America. For now. I’m Abby Martin, reporting from Little Diomede for Russia Today.

FIN

FADE OUT.

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