EPISODE 2: KOCHS EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK

 

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EPISODE 2: KOCHS EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE - MORNING

RANDY – a mature age student – is walking around the classroom, rapping, and miming being trapped in a box.

RANDY

I've an open door policy/

I leave it open for the hordes against authority/

I'm left with the remains of a wall where the door would be/

I fall through a glass ceiling/floor like I'm a hoarder of a trail of shards set'lin'/

Find me on the ground like I'm barred from uprising/

Bars rise up and hit me in the nuts like I'm with nuts on a bar/

Cut! Pun's too hard,

so your teeth join the shards, like they're glue. Too smart?/

I was too far from Allah so I punched him in the heart 'til I jumpstarted it/

If you want a part of mine treat fucking as a starter's kit/

The best treat's fucking and it's sweet when a meeting starts with it/

I don't need meat in a starting dish/

I wanna be a waiter. I can't wait to diss the orderers of meat dishes; a school of weak fishes who swim together like they're heaps pissed sheep/

I heaps wish this wish to be a big fish leaks like I insist it might: quick as light/

Sit tight like a mime with his wrists tied/

And hear my rhymes like . . .

RANDY’s now like a fish on the ground, flapping about and what not.

TEACHARE

Well, Randy, as nice as your rap is, this is a class for making glass upon which we can place teacups and bongs, so around these tables we can bond. If you wanna be a waiter then you may have to wait until this class is finished.

RANDY

Nope. That sounds like hospitality. I think I’m in the right class.

TEACHARE

Very well then. In that case, welcome. And I hope you will entertain us intermittently throughout the course with your rhyming. Otherwise no one will film us.

She stares at the ‘camera’ for a painfully long period of time.

Everyone takes a seat.

NADIA, JULIA, SOFIA, and – surprisingly – CERA are all present.

TEACHARE (cont’d)

Well, I’m very glad so many of you are here for my class on blowing. We’ll be making glass, glassblowing, of course.

A strange, peculiar man stands up.

STRANGE MAN

Oooooooh. Coz I thought . . .

TEACHARE

Well, no. It’s not that.

STRANGE MAN

Yeah. Yeah, I know. Coz I thought . . .

TEACHARE

You were quite wrong sir.

STRANGE MAN

Wrong I was indeed. Coz I thought . . .

He touches his lips.

TEACHARE

With all due respect, sir, I have made it clear on numerous occasions throughout the last minute that you were sadly mistaken.

STRANGE MAN

Yes. This is true. Because this ‘scene’, if you will, would have surely otherwise had a happy ending. If you know what I mean.

TEACHARE

I do know what you mean, and I believe I have made it perfectly clear that what you expected this class to be is not what it in fact is.

STRANGE MAN

Ahhh, yes. Of this I am aware. But a rumour was heard by yours truly that led me to believe that coming to and attending this class would involve the opposite of going. Sounds logical, does it not?

TEACHARE

But, you must know, rumours are merely rumours and loose lips sink ships.

STRANGE MAN

I believe a demonstration may be required before my ship can set sail.

TEACHARE

I am not going to suck your penis, sir. But you can either stay or fuck off depending on whether you happen to be interested in blowing yourself.

STRANGE MAN

Suck my penis? No, no, no. I thought this was a class on ASMR!

TEACHARE

Oh.

CERA

Awkward! Better suck his penis before things get really awkward.

TEACHARE

No. But I do think, because we all love cock, that our first project will be the creation of a glass cock.

Some guy raises his hand.

SOME GUY

I’m not too keen on cock.

TEACHARE

Nonsense, my dear. Everybody loves cock. It’s in the constitution: “The Times, Places and Manner of holding [Erections] for Senators and Representatives, shall be prescribed in each State by the Legislature thereof” – that’s pretty much a direct quote. Cocks wake us up in the morning on farms. Ask any of our wonderful farmers in the Deep South. It’s in the Ten Commandments even: “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” – so we should all hold god’s penis and fuck Him and then hold others’. And we, of course, see Him in who we desire. When you think about it, cocks control everything we do. We must take power back by controlling cocks.

NADIA

Yeah. We need cock-shaped bongs.

TEACHARE

Yes! What a beautiful idea. Wave your cock-shaped wand and make one appear.

NADIA

Um . . . It may be more logical to make them, since this is a glassblowing class and all.

TEACHARE

Oh but of course. How silly of me. Yes students, we will make cock bongs this semester. So, if you’re not happy to be in this class, it will soon look like you are with these glass cocks in front of you.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DUSK

Somewhere on a seemingly shy side of the bay lurk a few guys with their heads down like they’re undercover. They’re somewhat droopy like unexcited cocks.

RANDY is strolling nearby.

The COCKs become excited.

They cock their heads to one side and so become stiff like they’re guns (hired, perhaps).

They waddle over to RANDY. RANDY’s holding a small glass cock.

DAVID COCK

Ahhhh, homeboy, youwannascore?

CHARLES COCK

Wego’wha’you neeeeed. We go’, we go’ lotsa wha’ya neeeeed.

RANDY is stunned.

RANDY

Whoa! Who . . . who are you guys? Where did you come from?

DAVID COCK

Nah. Nah. Don’t matter. Tha’don’matter.

RANDY

Look, I just came out here to practice my rap in peace. I don’t want any trouble.

CHARLES COCK

Oh, yourap? Yeh. Welikey, we likedarap. Youwannascore? Yeh?

RANDY

Oh. No no no. I don’t do drugs.

DAVID COCK

No. No drugs. Youwancash? We giv’youdacash! Youwancash?

They bump into him like cocks being used for turkey slapping.

RANDY

What do you mean?

DAVID COCK

Money. Cash!

He pulls hundred dollar bills from his pockets.

CHARLES COCK

Wegotdacash! Cash!

ADAM LAMBERT passes by. He’s singing.

ADAM LAMBERT

“Whataya want from me?”

RANDY

Yeah. What he said. What do you want from me?

DAVID COCK

Huh?

RANDY

I mean “whataya” wan fromme?

CHARLES COCK

Oh. Wegotdacasssssh! We giv youdacash if you put oil in that glassy thingy. Make it to shoot upinair. Make everyone say ‘ahhhhh!’. Make everyone saydey likey likey da oil!

DAVID COCK

And you rap too. You rapbout goodoil. Make people likey likey da oil!

RANDY

You’ll pay me? To say oil is good?

DAVID COCK

We givyoudacash. Yeh. A thousand.

CHARLES COCK

Two. Two thousand.

DAVID COCK

No. Three.

CHARLES COCK

Four.

DAVID COCK

Five! Five now, fivalater.

He licks his lips.

CHARLES COCK

Yeeeeh. Takdacash.

CHARLES COCK throws the money at RANDY.

DAVID COCK

You tell nobody that youtakedacash!

Nobody!

CHARLES and DAVID make a slurp noise, like cocks consuming their own ejaculate. They scamper off into the night.

RANDY looks at the cash. He adjusts his attire so he looks all gangsta, like 50 CENT.

RANDY

I got da wad now, bitches!

INT. RANDY AND SANDY’S SANDY CAVE – NIGHT

RANDY walks with a skip in his step to the nearest resting place: his abode.

He flips a switch to switch on the television to view the latest hits, like a politician watching an army he helped position in some pits.

REDFOO is singing . . . something about a bottle.

REDFOO

Bottles. Bottles. Bottles.

He’s picking up bottles and hitting himself on the head with them, and they’re turning into gold coins.

REDFOO

I eat bottles. I eat bottles. I eat fish. I eat bottle-fish!

He’s knocked into a bottle of water by a bottle and starts swimming like a bottle fish with bottle fish and ends up eating one.

REDFOO

Oh shit! I did!

RANDY

Hmmmmmm. What can I learn from this fine performance?

He scratches his head. He strains. He groans. He picks up a bottle and smashes it on his head.

RANDY (cont’d)

Ahhhhh! I got it!

He begins to spit.

RANDY (cont’d)

Soil’s like a boil/

Let’s get oil that be in da pits/

Toil through da soil to get oil for da thrill of it/

Fuck the muthafuckers who get ill from this!/

Riches are for those who dig/

Diggy diggy diggy. Put your dicks into the thick of it/

Champagne bitches! Champagne! Champagne!/

Make the earth burp!/

Campaign to find the earth’s veins and to slit its fuckin’ wrists!/

Oil oil oil for the royalty. Face it: all our faces don’t got boils. As we see, our oil’s really free!/

We’re rich when the earth has pores. Don’t pore on that, just go explore, and hoard the oil, get it all, and pour it into massive champagne glasses that you’ll store indoors, and then get more and more and more, for cars, for doing donuts more/

Eat donuts more!/

We’ll get it all/

We’ll be rich like Redfoo’s red food when he’s mixed it with some borscht/

And rise up like his spew when he gets wind of how it’s menstrual blood straight from a chick he saw/

We hear SANDY.

SANDY (V.O.)

Randy! What the fuck are you ranting about? Get to bed!

RANDY

Yes dear!

 

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE – MORNING

Again class has commenced.

RANDY shocks everyone by getting everyone wet by rudely spraying them with a high pressure hose as he enters the room.

TEACHARE

What the fuck are you doing Randy?

RANDY

What if it was oil?/

Water’s just like rice/

Oil’s like a soy sauce that can make it fuckin’ nice/

You’d be seeing rainbows whenever you see the light/

Somewhere over rainbows is more oil. Add it to the sight/

A fight ‘bout oil’s beautiful: it’s “Festival of Colors”-like/

RANDY points to an image of the “Festival of Colors” at Spanish Fork in Utah.

RANDY (cont’d)

They worship fuckin’ oil rigs in Paris/

One lights up at night!/

He points to an image of the Paris Eiffel Tower at night.

RANDY (cont’d)

If you like a fire truck for fires,

think: an oil truck’s for fire trucks or fire trucks look tired/

He starts running around squirting everyone with water.

RANDY (cont’d)

Oil oil oil/

Let’s put oil in dicks we design/

Oil looks like Vegemite,

and Aussie’s say ‘that’s folate, mate’/

So oil’s fuckin’ awesome, ey?/

NADIA stands up.

NADIA

Are you crazy, Randy? Oil is not awesome. Who have you been talking to?

RANDY looks around, looking scared.

The COCKs are at the window. They quickly disappear.

RANDY

Uh . . . no one. But we should totally put oil in everything everywhere always.

CERA

Whooooo! Yeah! Oil for life!

NADIA

Oh shit!

CERA

What? Everyone always says people shouldn’t be sitting around on their arses, not moving. So we should sit around on our arses, moving. We should be driving. How many people here can drive?

No one can.

NADIA

Cera, we don’t need to drive. We live on a tiny island. Moving cars are totally unnecessary.

CERA

You hear that, everyone? Nadia thinks moving is unnecessary. So we should just stay where we are? We shouldn’t smash the glass ceiling? We should stay in traffic jams our whole life instead of exploring our land to find oil jam?

NADIA

That’s not what I meant, and you know it.

TEACHARE

We must have a vote. Who wants to put oil into our glass dildos?

The class cheers.

JULIA

Oooommph arrrrrgh. Sooooorrreeeee!

SOFIA

Yes, that’s wise Julia. Oil is a sauce – a source of unnecessary global conflict. But no one can understand you.

EXT. SARAH PALIN’S ALASKAN SHACK – AFTERNOON

Some distance from the Big and Little Diomedes is a continent. SARAH PALIN is not. She is not continent at the moment.

She’s taking a massive shit and staring at herself in the mirror.

SARAH

I got it! I know what to do. Steve! Come here!

STEVE appears at the door.

SARAH groans as shit hits the water. It would seem she is a little continent.

STEVE

How can I assist you, madam?

SARAH

Little Diomede is only a little continent. We need to enclose it in a giant glass dome fitted with cameras and watch as our boys – the Cocks – civilize the lonely island. Then we can show America how beautiful oil is. And let them know that our shit doesn’t stink.

STEVE’s face is red. He’s holding his breath.

SARAH (cont’d)

Steve. You have not commenced your obligatory reply to my profound statement. Steve! Steve!

STEVE opens his mouth before fainting.

INT. NADIA’S LITTLE DIOMEDIAN MEETING HAVEN – AFTERNOON

Meanwhile, on Little Diomede, NADIA, JULIA, and SOFIA are watching – through a window – as CERA and RANDY gather large, massive rainbow balls filled with oil.

RANDY

Just make sure you don’t bust them. Don’t bust their balls about anything. They look so beautiful.

CERA

Bust whose balls? You have to tell me who you’re working for.

RANDY

Sorry. It’s a secret. But these balls are filled with oil, and we need everyone to see how beautiful oil is.

NADIA sighs. She looks at SOFIA.

NADIA

We need to find out who Randy is working for.

JULIA

Gaaaaaaasssh sooooooooooomph.

SOFIA

Yes. That’s right. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. We understand this. We can’t criticize oil extraction if we rely on oil ourselves. Luckily we don’t. But other people around America don’t quite get that. We’ll kill two birds with a figurative stone thrown if we can show those people why they should criticize oil extraction and stop relying on oil, and also show Cera and Randy how harmful oil can be.

NADIA

I got it! We must put a glass dome over the area Randy and Cera occupy. That way everyone on the island will soon see how harmful oil can be, and how silly these two look.

SOFIA points at RANDY.

SOFIA

We may not even need to.

RANDY is pouring oil into a bong.

JULIA

Nmmmmmmmmmph!

JULIA hops out the window and dashes over to RANDY.

RANDY lights the bong.

JULIA swipes the bong, then runs off with it, and gets blown up. She’s dead. Get used to it. That’ll happen a lot. You’ve seen South Park right?

RANDY points at JULIA.

RANDY

She’s a terrorist who tried to blow us up!

SOFIA

Oh my god! Julia exposed malpractice, and was figuratively crucified and called a terrorist, just like her father!

NADIA

Who’s no bastard.

 

INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE – MORNING

It’s glassblowing class again and ideas are blowing in the wind.

NADIA stands.

NADIA

Okay, look. We make one giant glass bong together. It will be for display only. No flames allowed. We should take note of what happened to Julia.

RANDY

She was a terrorist!

NADIA

Randy, do you think maybe mixing fire with oil is dangerous?

RANDY

Nonsense. Julia was a Witch. She made the bong into a bomb and was going to throw it at us.

NADIA

Okay, never mind. Anyway, Randy and Cera can be in charge of making the oil inside the massive glass bong look nice. And they’ll make the bong from the inside, while the rest of us will make it from the outside. There will be a door, so if they wanna come out they can.

RANDY

Come out? I will never! We will be in the best place in all the land: oil territory. That’s like asking a guy to come out in the middle of an orgy with seventy or so virgins. Like ‘you’re being rewarded with seventy beautiful female virgins’; ‘actually, I’m gay, so . . .’; ‘oh.’

NADIA scratches her head.

NADIA

Um . . . okay then.

TEACHARE

Very well. Together we shall make the greatest bong the world has ever seen. Maybe also the shape of a cock. Get to work students.

EXT./INT. NADIA’S LITTLE DIOMEDIAN MEETING HAVEN – AFTERNOON

We begin with an aerial shot of the island and then descend to better capture NADIA and SOFIA in their crib.

But then we crash into something clear: glass. WTF?

We bang our head against it several times until we finally find our way into what appears to be a giant dome around Little Diomede.

Now we watch SOFIA and NADIA.

NADIA

We need all eyes on the island. I’m gonna invite my girlfriends here. You know, the rest of Pussy Riot.

SOFIA

Oh. Sweet. Then everyone will be watching the island like it’s a lighthouse. Coz everyone likes some rock.

NADIA laughs.

NADIA

But what are we gonna sing? We need lyrics. We need to diss big oil.

SOFIA

Supermajors! Big oil! Supermajors! Big oil!/

NADIA

Souped-up, miners’ cars will spoil earth!/

They think you’re minor, and don’t mind what you’re worth/

SOFIA

Supermajors! Big oil! Supermajors! Big oil!/

EXT. RED SQUARE, MOSCOW – NIGHT

Meanwhile, in Russia, we’re seeing MARIA ALYOKHINA and YEKATERINA SAMUTSEVICH (of Pussy Riot) flying around on broomsticks and trying to dance at the same time.

Some concerned RUSSIAN MAN looks up at them.

RUSSIAN MAN

(Посмотрите, они полюс танцы, и не заземлены мужчины. Они независимые женщины. Это не хорошо)

Subtitles: Look, they are pole dancing, and not grounded by men. They are independent women. This is not good.

MARIA

(Мы ведьм!)

Subtitles: We’re Witches!

RUSSIAN MAN

(Ох. Вот тогда ладно.)

Subtitles: Oh. That’s okay then.

YEKATERINA

(Хорошие Ведьмы!)

Subtitles: Good Witches!

They fly off.

The RUSSIAN MAN is angry. He’s shaking his fists.

RUSSIAN MAN

(Нет! Взять их! Взять их!)

Subtitles: No! Get them! Get them!

MARIA turns to YEKATERINA and they speak in English.

MARIA

We can’t fly all the way to Nadia on these broomsticks, and to take a private jet would be rather ironic given we’re protesting against the use of oil.

YEKATERINA

Well, we can film it. We have control of that satellite full of lizards, remember? And control of the lizards.

MARIA

That’s right. Photon-M4 is totally under our control. And thanks to neuroscientist Miguel Nicolelis we can control the lizards’ movements with our brains.

YEKATERINA

And we’re Witches anyway.

MARIA

Oh yeah. That’s right. Well, let’s telepathically get these lizards and the satellite into position so that they can film Nadia and her strange little island.

The beautiful Witches fly on.

EXT. SARAH PALIN’S ALASKAN SHACK – NIGHT

SARAH PALIN is searching the skies with her telescope. At least we think she is. It soon becomes obvious that the telescope is up STEVE’s arse.

SARAH

The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!

STEVE

Sarah, the telescope is stuck up my arse again.

SARAH

Oh.

She takes it out.

STEVE

Mmmmmmm. Do it again.

SARAH

What?

STEVE

Nevermind.

SARAH points the telescope at the skies above Little Diomede.

SARAH

The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!

STEVE

What is it now? You couldn’t find my g-spot so I doubt you can find any Russians.

SARAH

Look!

SARAH steps back from the telescope so that STEVE can take a gander.

STEVE looks.

STEVE

Oh. It’s a satellite.

SARAH

It’s Russian. Look inside: Russians!

STEVE

They look like lizards.

SARAH

Russians! All of them. We need to put a satellite next to theirs, maybe nudge theirs a little. Little Diomede’s part of America! They’re trying to invade our country. First they spy on us, then they invade our country. Pesky commie scum!

STEVE

So this Russian satellite found America’s g-spot then?

SARAH

Shut up Steve, and find me an unused American satellite in the space junk up there in space.

EXT. OUTER SPACE / LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DAWN

The American satellite, all red, white, and thinking about how it once blew another satellite really well, crashes into the Russian Photon-M4 satellite.

They fall onto the giant dome that’s covering Little Diomede.

They blow up.

NADIA’s looking up.

NADIA

A giant, invisible glass dome I didn’t even know existed just saved all our lives.

SOFIA

And it’s raining lizards.

It is.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN – DAY

President BARACK OBAMA is addressing the nation.

OBAMA

“The world is watching reports of a” downed satellite “near the” Russia/America “border. And it looks like it may be a terrible tragedy. Arr, right now we’re working to determine whether there were American citizens on board. That is our first priority.” “The United States will offer any assistance it can to help determine what happened and why. And, as a country our thoughts and prayers are with all the families of the passengers, wherever they call home.” “It is great, ah, to be in the state that gave us Joe Biden!”

Everyone cheers.

OBAMA (cont’d)

Yeah. War cries! So obviously Little Diomede has weapons of mass destruction.

Everyone cheers.

OBAMA (cont’d)

Yeah. PUTIN denies this, and denies that he has even taken control of Little Diomede, which makes it blatantly obvious that he’s a liar. Now, we will make sure that we do not give in to Russian demands, because we’re American. It says so on our passports. All of them.

Everyone cheers.

OBAMA (cont’d)

Thank you, and god bless a merry car owner. Each and every merry car owner.

Cheering.

EXT./INT. AMERICAN LEGION, HOLLYWOOD HEIGHTS – DAY

We touch down at the building where much of Bad Words was filmed. You don’t know what that is coz it wasn’t really that successful.

JASON BATEMAN is there, in the auditorium. He’s spinning around, pointing at random objects.

JASON

Camera there. Put camera there. And there. And there. And there. There. There. There. There. And up the arses of worthless background people.

Then he points at MARIA and YEKATERINA as they stroll in.

JASON (cont’d)

What? You’re not cameras. You’re worthless people, on my set! What the fuck are you doing here?

MARIA holds up a broomstick.

MARIA

We’re Witches. It’s okay. We flew here from Russia. On a commercial flight. Saves oil. Then flew here from LAX on these brooms.

YEKATERINA

And we need your help to save ‘people’ from the antics of pricks controlling Big oil. We need to save the underground little oil, just like one saves little people from their oppressors.

MARIA

You see, OBAMA thinks that the people of Little Diomede are developing weapons of mass destruction . . .

JASON

Oh yes. The US satellite crashed there, possibly pulled into the island by some evil Soviet force.

YEKATERINA

Well, that’s not what happened. The US satellite crashed into the Russian satellite we were controlling, and they both fell onto the glass dome over the island. We have satellite footage from before the crash. Look.

The screen is between YEKATERINA’s breasts, so JASON finds it hard to pay attention to anything but the edges.

MARIA

We need you to edit the footage so that it will appeal to a wide audience, and they can see how harmful the extraction of oil is for people and the environment.

We can see footage of the island, covered by a dome, and under the large dome is another smaller bong-like dome under which CERA and RANDY are working. This is very much in focus as the two glass domes act like magnifying lenses. We can see walruses and fish covered in oil, and CERA and RANDY escaping the smaller glass dome, gasping for breath.

JASON is looking at the side of the large dome, where someone is repeatedly running into the glass and falling on his arse.

He laughs.

JASON

Yes. Yes. Hilarious. We focus on the kid trying to get to the breast for milk . . . for milk is like oil, and we all love oil. And the kid has gotta be bad. Everyone loves bad. Like how everyone loves my movie Bad Words – which I directed. So we’ll dub in swear words, so it looks like this crazy, bad kid is swearing as he keeps running into the glass and falling on his arse. Yeah. People will love that.

YEKATERINA

He’s not trying to get to a breast. That’s MY breast. You’re not paying attention to the right part of the footage! We need to show Americans that there are no weapons of mass destruction on Little Diomede, and that oil is bad.

JASON

‘Bad’, you say? Yes! Oil is bad so we must blow it up! We must bomb Little Diomede immediately. That’s really badarse. Viewers’ll love that. You know, I’m pretty sure that one of these people tried to hand me a screenplay once on the set of my film. One of these worthless nobodies tried to hand ME – worth millions – good words. Like I have time for good, meaningful words. Ha! I need bad ones. Real fuckin’ bad ones. These worthless scum need to be punished. This is urgent. We must bomb Little Diomede!

MARIA and YEKATERINA start backing away.

MARIA looks at YEKATERINA.

MARIA

This isn’t quite working out. I think we better leave.

They quickly fly off.

EXT. AMERICAN LEGION, HOLLYWOOD HEIGHTS – DAY

Before MARIA and YEKATERINA can exit the American Legion block they notice a celebrity hiding in the bushes. His hair is great camouflage. He climbs a tree.

MARIA spots him.

She points.

MARIA

Is that RUSSELL BRAND?

RUSSELL

Shhhhhhhh! “This is the Trews.” “Subscribe here!”

He throws an iPhone at MARIA.

It hits her in the head.

MARIA

Owww!

RUSSELL

“Subscribe here!”

He throws another and it hits her in the head again.

MARIA

Why do you do that Russell?

RUSSELL

Ooops. Sorry. Did I hit you?

MARIA

No, that’s nothing. Why do you still use Apple? There are plenty of other phones you could use! Why the fuck do you keep using Apple, and covering up the symbol with a Trews sticker like an alcoholic covers up a bottle with a paper bag?

RUSSELL

Guess I did hit you. You’re a little loopy. Apples are everywhere. Everywhere. We can’t cover them up unless we cover them up with oil, lots of oil. And that would be stupid. This is an apple! Dine here!

Now he throws an apple at MARIA’s head.

MARIA

Owwwww! Stop that.

YEKATERINA

Apple iPhones are only everywhere because your Trews sticker reminds people of Apple. It’s like a dress worn by a celebrity. You’re promoting the ‘celebrity’ when you promote that ‘dress’. Instead you should find up and coming artists and promote them. There are so many who just need publicity and who can help bring about change in Hollywood and pave the way for a real peaceful revolution. Instead you’re letting your ego get in the way.

RUSSELL stands in the tree like a dominant primate.

RUSSELL

“This is the Trews!” “Subscribe herrrrrrre!”

He throws 200 iPhones at YEKATERINA.

MARIA sighs.

MARIA

What are you doing here anyway?

RUSSELL

I’m paying homeless people to film Jason Bateman for me, to show the world how all Jason Bateman is doing is paying people to film him all the time.

MARIA notices a homeless man using a video camera as a flask.

MARIA

I think one of them may have misunderstood your instructions.

RUSSELL sees.

RUSSELL

Oi! Fred! I said capture Jason, not alcohol!

FRED holds up the camera-flask.

FRED

This is Jason’s pee. I thought you said Jason’s pee!

RUSSELL

No! Capture Jason speedily. Speedily!

FRED

Do I get apple cider?

RUSSELL

No! Apple iPhones-i-deliver.

FRED

I don’t like liver!

MARIA interrupts.

MARIA

Russell! We need your help! Obama wants to bomb Little Diomede because he thinks the people there are developing weapons of mass destruction. But we have satellite footage that proves this is not the case. Plus our friend Nadia has been living there among the nice people. We need you to help us distribute the footage.

RUSSELL leaps out of the tree.

RUSSELL

But I am just the ordinary ape-man, just the ordinary commoner. How can I possibly distribute your footage?

YEKATERINA crawls out from under iPhones.

YEKATERINA

You have nine million followers on Twitter!

RUSSELL

Followers are an illusion. We’re all one. All one!

MARIA

Fine. Then our plea just needs to make it to your brain. Help us tell Obama not to bomb Little Diomede.

RUSSELL

But Obama is like my penis, and I’m not using that anymore. Don’t vote! Don’t vote!

He hits himself in the penis with an apple.

RUSSELL (cont’d)

Owwwww! It’s sooo hard!

YEKATERINA

You won’t let your penis vote for us? But we’re trying to save an island from being bombed, and the lives of innocent people.

RUSSELL is hopping around, trying to get rid of his erection.

RUSSELL

Wise Chinese man says: ‘No erections! No erections!’

YEKATERINA

Um . . . he may have been saying ‘no elections!’ You can still have erections.

RUSSELL stops hopping.

RUSSELL

Oh.

He lets go of his penis.

RUSSELL (cont’d)

Now I can think. This is a contest. But there’s nothing wrong with elections if Witches are running. Or erections. So, yes, I will help you. But please put your broomsticks down. I cannot compete with them. They are far too long.

YEKATERINA

But we need to fly. We need to make a Trews episode the whole world will wanna see.

RUSSELL

Can I have a broomstick?

MARIA

Sure.

MARIA hands RUSSELL hers.

He sits on it but then the stick hits him in the head.

He tries to push it down.

He can’t.

He frowns.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIGN, HOLLYWOOD HILLS – DUSK

The Hollywood sign is covered in Trews stickers. RUSSELL is dancing around the ‘WOOD’ part, like he’s worshipping wood.

MARIA and YEKATERINA manage to project the footage of Little Diomede onto the Os.

RUSSELL

Ohhhhhhh! Boobies!

RUSSELL approaches the Os, to study the footage of course.

RUSSELL (cont’d)

Oi! There! I see two Cocks! David and Charles. They’re emerging from those underground caves like Saddam Hussein. That is just too much. You two are trying to make me into security for what appears to be Cock Island! I will not stand in the way of my own revolution. That would be preposterous!

MARIA

What!?

MARIA studies the spot RUSSELL’s looking at.

MARIA

It is them. They’ve convinced two people on the island to work for them. But only two. Our friend is not inside that dome where they’re working. Our friend – Nadia – never told us about the Cock brothers. She didn’t even know they were there.

RUSSELL

Ahhhhhhh!

RUSSELL runs into a letter, and acts like he’s reading one.

RUSSELL (cont’d)

‘Dear Russell, we will give you money to help us. Cocks can come together to rule the world.’ ‘No!’ I say to that. The cocks must be eliminated! I cannot help protect an island the biggest COCKS of all presently inhabit.

YEKATERINA

But wait! I know how to work out what they’re saying. Michael Rubinstein, from Google, taught me how to extract audio from extremely tiny movements in objects. And there are a whole heap of balloons inside this giant glass bong these COCKs inhabit. The oil has leaked out of the balloons and they have deflated. I should be able to figure out what the Cocks are saying when they’re alone in this bong-like alleyway, by simply magnifying the tiny movements of the balloons. We can hear how evil they are.

RUSSELL

Oh. Okay. We can eavesdrop on members of the sinister one percent. Very well then. I approve this action.

YEKATERINA plays with her laptop a little, while RUSSELL continues to dance around the ‘WOOD’ part of the ‘HOLLYWOOD’ sign.

He yells.

RUSSELL

“This is the Trews!” “Subscribe here!” “Subscribe here!”

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DUSK

The islanders have assembled around the site of the di-satellite crash.

NADIA hops up onto one of the broken satellites to address the assembly (there is no assembly line, just parts: of greater importance is playing the part of mayor to calm the uneasy crowd).

NADIA

Okay, so I know you were all waiting to see what Cera and Randy would do with their oil, but it seems these satellites have crashed into their workstation. And it looks like they’re okay, but we now have no way to contact the mainland because it seems we relied on this satellite I’m now standing on to do that. So I really have no clue what’s happening over there, though I’m sure everything’s just fine and dandy.

RANDY looks uneasy.

RANDY

Uhh . . .

NADIA

What is it, Randy?

RANDY

There may be a few people trapped under that satellite you’re on. Um . . . I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.

NADIA

What?!

NADIA hops off the satellite.

Two COCKs emerge from beneath, gasping for breath.

DAVID

Heya. Wegoddacash!

CHARLES

Heyhey. Casssssssh. Youwant?

NADIA

Hey! You’re the Cock brothers! What the hell are you doing on our island? It was you guys who made Randy rap about how ‘good’ oil is! I knew something was up.

She turns to RANDY.

NADIA (cont’d)

Randy, do you have any idea what these two men are responsible for? They are destroying the environment everywhere in pursuit of oil.

RANDY

They told me that when people voice their concerns they always take notes.

NADIA

Who? Who takes notes?

DAVID

Ahhhhhdapeeeps! Dapeeeple they takedanotes!

DAVID and CHARLES COCK toss $100 bills every which way. They dance around like maniacs.

NADIA

Ah, shit!

 

EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIGN, HOLLYWOOD HILLS – NIGHT

RUSSELL BRAND is hanging upside down from an O.

A COP appears.

RUSSELL pays him off.

The COP nods.

COP

Carry on then.

RUSSELL studies the footage.

RUSSELL

It seems as though all these Cock brothers are saying is ‘I got da cash’ in curiously various manners. However, I’ll explain their actions in my trademark clinically verbose style. One appears to get down on his knees on cloud nine, in the manner of someone being knighted – perhaps Charles -, or falling from a horse – perhaps a child -, or proposing – perhaps an action chosen while drunk from a boring compilation of those of patriarchal grooms over the centuries, and then holds up a tube in the shape of a stylish cock-like cock ring that’s eerily similar to an empty champagne bottle – which happens to be having air blown into it by an intoxicated spirit in the middle of a dark dungeon at midnight in Middlesbrough. He shakes the bottle and money shoots out like ejaculate from a penis, and both Cocks bounce up and down with glee like Terrance and Phillip. This is disturbingly incestuous to an excessive extent. All the while they repeat the words ‘I got the cash’ like said cash is not a sickly, purulent rash they should be ashamed of should it duplicate like cancer cells with little effort on their behalf. Oh! And now they’re fighting one another with their penises. It’s as if they believe they have some kind of diplomatic immunity that somehow makes their immune systems superior to all others and therefore endorse incest like royalty, and they believe they are so kind and generous and fully deserving of their fortunes simply because the fortunes are lying down before them like eager mistresses they seem to be mistaking one another for. Ewwww! This is totally ‘ewwwwww!’

MARIA

Well, this is even beyond David Lynch now.

INT. OVAL OFFICE, WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

SARAH PALIN rushes into the Oval Office.

SARAH

Obama, I know that we hate each other, but there are entities we both love more than we hate one another.

SARAH/OBAMA

Cocks!

SARAH

Yes! And you can’t bomb Little Diomede because the Cock brothers are there!

OBAMA

Oh my!

SARAH

We must face east and worship them by pointing our supple arses in their direction. I will passionately pray like a Muslim with you if it's to worship our funders: big Cocks.

OBAMA

Certainly. We must pray together. Thank you Sarah for warning me. I would have killed our main source of income.

They wander to the middle of the floor. They bend down together and begin to pray.

OBAMA

Oh Cocks! Oh big Cocks! We love thee!

SARAH

Oh big massive Cocks. Never leave us.

OBAMA

I love Cock and Cock! I love Cock!

MICHELLE OBAMA walks in.

She gasps.

MICHELLE

This is absolutely disgusting!

OBAMA

What dear? Oh. "I did not have sexual relations . . ."

MICHELLE

I know dear. No one would fuck Sarah Palin on purpose. It's me. I forgot to worship the Cocks today. Forgive me.

OBAMA stands. He's pissed.

OBAMA

What! How dare you forget, woman! You are a disgrace. Fuck you! Fuck you and our children.

MICHELLE

But Barack, I love you. I love you like Cock.

OBAMA

I don't like Cock, I love Cock. And far more than you. Far more than our kids. I just want to see Cocks stay strong. But you . . . you forgot to pray for the Cocks. They almost died today, you know? They almost died Michelle!

MICHELLE is crying.

MICHELLE

I'm so sorry Baracky. I should have prayed for their rising, and rising high. I just forgot. I was giving a speech on the importance of nutrition.

OBAMA

You must never forget the Cocks! You must never forget where your cash comes from. Leave woman! Leave my oval now! I will fuck Sarah now to shame you. Leave!

MICHELLE leaves in tears.

SARAH tries to leave too.

OBAMA shakes his head.

OBAMA

Oh Palin, you're in the big ovally office. You want to stay in big ovally office, don't you?

SARAH

Yes! Oh yes! Please!

OBAMA looks at his penis.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIGN, HOLLYWOOD HILLS – NIGHT

RUSSELL's about to upload a new Trews. But instead, some 'load' is on his mind.

RUSSELL

Hey! Before I save Little Diomede from annihilation I reckon I can get my cock out on top of the Hollywood sign and no one'll stop me!

He climbs the Y.

Yeah, that's right: 'why?'

MARIA

Oh shit!

A helicopter pilot captures RUSSELL with his spotlight. The pilot came first. This episode is only the second. Remember someone standing atop a stationary vehicle?

COPTER COP

Stay where you are. You're under arrest.

RUSSELL

Stay where I am? You want everyone to stay where they are. You hate social mobility!

He dances on the Y, hopping from platform to platform. If this is a fork in the road it could be a pitch-

RUSSELL (cont'd)

This is a sign!

He hits the Y with both hands repeatedly.

RUSSELL (cont'd)

If you're god, officer, then I'm an angel who can fly! I have eyes, silly. I can see the light. And if you're blind then might I suggest you cease flying a helicopter at once, young man! You cannot be spinning every person or yarn you come by. (You don’t do it like me.) And you say you're not. But you are. We are all 'bi' if we like! I am not a spinning top but a spinning bottom. I am like a bee. And you are the stinger, cop! You are the stinger! This is a sting! Stop raping me!

He moves his booty.

Then leaps off the Y.

YEKATERINA

I guess we're under arrest again.

MARIA

Yep.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DAY

JORDAN SHANKS sees a camera. He runs over to this camera, standing by a tree covered in black shirts, and poses, ripping off a shirt.

JORDAN

Now that you’re looking at me, I wanna tell you what’s going on here.

CERA

Who the hell are you?

JORDAN

I’m Australian. It doesn’t fuckin’ matter!

He notices that he’s covered in oil. It was not a black shirt he grabbed.

JORDAN

Ahhh, shit! I knew you guys were playing with oil. And look – it’s the fuckin’ Cock brothers!

The COCKs appear.

DAVID

Heeeeeeyweeegoddacash!

CHARLES

Godacaaaassssh!

JORDAN

Look, shut the fuck up! I’m the one who impersonates people. Stop impersonating yourselves!

DAVID

Weeeegodacasssh!

CHARLES

Casssssssh!

JORDAN

Oh, wait. You guys are just being you. Well, look. We got Randy here, who’s like . . .

JORDAN impersonates RANDY using his dopey persona.

JORDAN (cont’d)

‘Oh. Yay! Island big roulette wheel I just spin and fuckin’ spin spin spin. And I choose black, and it’s all black, coz there oil everywhere, and I get rich, and fuck the fish!’ And this idiot doesn’t realize that he’s participating in casino capitalism . . .

JORDAN holds up a piece of paper with an abstract written by the American and Canadian scholar and cultural critic HENRY GIROUX.

JORDAN (cont’d)

. . . and helping perpetrate the neoliberal notion that people are merely brainless consumers, capital is all that matters, bigger is best, and that academics wise enough to link their personal troubles to broader social issues need to be silenced. He just wants to keep on spinning that wheel, whether it’s a car’s, an island, a circular saw, or the fuckin Wheel of Fortune!

We see footage of a donut doing donuts around a tree on an island inhabited by scared and endangered birds that fly away and straight into spinning Wheels of Fortune, which are circular saws, that only stop when a bird’s decapitated, so that one can finally read off the healthy balance that’s his new fortune, while disregarding the far more important balance of nature and ecology, coz the economy’s all that matters.

JORDAN (cont’d)

And Cera’s like . . .

He impersonates CERA.

JORDAN (cont’d)

‘But mommy says the Cocks make money for the greater good, to help the poor, so we should help them get rich, coz they’re angels. Let’s get on our knees and suck their patriarchal penises!’ She doesn’t realize that in this fucked up US society we have people like the Cocks giving millions of dollars to climate change denial groups . . .

We see a graph on his chest that highlights the donations to climate denial groups from Donors Trust, COCK Foundations, and Exxon Mobil.

JORDAN (cont’d)

. . . who completely ignore the scientific research in order to ensure the maintenance of the pathetic status quo. Money does not trump intelligence, but Cera thinks Cera’s mommy’s money trumps commonsense and reasoning coz her ego’s the size of the dome that until recently enclosed this island and framed perfectly the present predicament. See the strength of my fuckin’ argument!

JORDAN once again displays his chest. The area representing donations to the climate denial groups is pulsating as it’s tattooed on his muscles.

JORDAN (cont’d)

People here are so fuckin’ daft! Now, which way to the Great Barrier Reef? Australians are fuckin’ stupid too. Scientists are rounded up like how Nazis rounded up Jews and thrown into the reef because the populace thinks the Great Barrier Reef needs fertilizer made from dead bodies, and don’t realize that they should let scientists study ascidians that may help cancer patients and keep people alive, or sponges that may be able to treat osteoarthritis!

We see images from the Queensland Museum’s website, specifically Biodiscovery and the Great Barrier Reef.

JORDAN impersonates CERA again.

JORDAN (cont’d)

‘Barriers are fuckin’ awesome, when they keep Mexicans out of the US. But if it’s a reef then fuck it! Let’s just destroy it coz there are no Mexicans swimming around in the Pacific Ocean. Ha ha. Scientists think there are Mexicans swimming around in the oceans. Oh no! Maybe there are! But fish and biodiversity won’t protect us from Mexicans. Ignorance is bliss. Why do intelligent people want to take bliss away from us? Waaaaaaah! The Mexicans are coming!’

NADIA approaches FRIENDLYJORDIES (JORDAN).

NADIA

Um . . . I like what you said. And your sarcasm. You’re spot on. I’m from a pop/activist group in Russia called Pussy Riot. I’d love to work with you.

JORDAN

Huh? No! God, no! I am a solo artist! How dare you approach me! Shoooo. Away.

JORDAN screams and runs off, hops into a boat and rows away.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DAY

The COCK brothers are treating a small oil spill like a spa.

Everyone looks at them.

They’re completely naked as they rise from the oil.

We hear the tune for Not on Drugs by Tove Lo.

They begin to sing, moving like dark angels, or MARILYN MANSON.

DAVID

Whiny hippies are unwell with no valor/

I say hire guys to stomp these flowers in the dirt/

Injunctions aren’t right. We’ve depleted loot/

I’m livid. I cry. I’m singing the blues/

My penis is sound. Oil rigs are too/

Just listen and sigh. You’ll hear rings. Want two?/

CHARLES

Babel’s piston’s neat/

I shot the sun, with oily muck,

and now I’ll come/

Babel’s now a sea,

of oily muck, and rotten thugs,

and now we’ve won/

We’re “bright as bright can be!”/

The scene is interrupted by an old commercial from the 50s for Australia’s favorite spread: Vegemite. The voice-over at the end is a little different . . .

VOICE OVER GUY

Oil – “the delicious spread – provides the vitamin B1 your family needs daily. Be sure you put” oil “next to the pepper and salt whenever you set the table.”

Back to the scene.

NADIA

Oh, this is soooo pathetic. How can anyone take this shit seriously?

We see CERA is taking notes and staring at the COCK brothers with adoration.

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DAY

ROBERT SWAN arrives on the island, accompanied by several northern elephant seals.

Everyone stares at him.

He shrugs.

ROBERT

What? I heard you have a Cock infestation.

The COCK brothers are now waddling about, trying to look like nightingales even though they’re just naked, dirty old men.

ROBERT nods when he sees them.

NADIA

You can remove them from the island for us?

ROBERT

That’s what I brought my friends here for.

He winks at the northern elephant seals. They’re somewhat like a seal to show the island is good and natural. So if they’re applied to Little Diomede, the COCKs must be removed.

ROBERT

Go get the penguins, boys!

Sure enough, the COCKs look like clueless penguins, but very ugly ones.

The northern elephant seals grab them and drag them off into the cold sea.

Suddenly, giant fire ants emerge from the ground: supporters of the COCK brothers. There’s a whole swarm of them. They follow the COCKs into the water. They’re like oil on fire, and these fire ants swim and swim and swim like they have been put out (upset and annoyed) by the masses.

Everyone cheers, except for CERA. Her face is getting red, like a fire ant.

SOFIA

How do we get our satellite back into orbit? And the Russian one?

ROBERT

I’m afraid I can’t help you there. I prefer to travel to the furthest reaches of the planet rather than use satellites for communication. Next I plan to go to a far, distant land called Australia. A lot of weird, strange people live there. I hear they eat oil on toast for breakfast.

NADIA

I don’t think that’s true. The Cocks made that up.

ROBERT sighs.

ROBERT

Arrrrgh! Those Cocks!

He shakes his fists at the sea.

ROBERT (cont’d)

Well, I’ll be off now. Farewell!

He hitches a ride on a northern elephant seal.

SOFIA

Bye. Thank you!

NADIA

Yeah. Thanks Robert!

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DUSK

Now some Belgian students turn up – TJORVEN DELABIE, MAARTEN DECAT, and JEROES VANDEWALLE.

TJORVEN

Hey guys, we just heard you’re looking for a satellite.

NADIA

Oh. Yeah. How?

MAARTEN

Our antennas end up in lots of strange places, just like those damn Cocks.

JEROES

If you give us the cash the Cocks gave you then we’ll put an embarrassing photograph of the Cocks dancing naked in oil on a satellite, so everyone can see it. We’ll also make sure you have access to the internet again.

CERA’s walking like she’s in a trance.

CERA

Their dance was mystical, magical, spellbinding. I want everyone to see it. Here, take all my money . . .

She hands all the cash to JEROES.

JEROES

Excellent. Thanks.

NADIA

Wait a second! How long will we have to wait for internet?

MAARTEN

Oh, it’ll be up by next year.

NADIA

This year has only just begun! We have to wait a whole year?

JEROES

Bye!

The Belgians flee.

NADIA sighs.

NADIA

No communication with the outside world. We may have to tiptoe into Alaska and hope Sarah Palin doesn’t catch us.

SOFIA looks at CERA.

SOFIA

You could maybe tell your mother not to kill us?

CERA’s staring at the heavens.

CERA

Beautiful dancing Cocks everywhere.

SOFIA looks up. Indeed, there is a dancing star in the sky.

SOFIA

Nadia, check your Wi-Fi.

NADIA gets out her cell. She plays with it.

NADIA

It works! Ha ha. It’s my friends! The rest of Pussy Riot. They’ve put a new satellite above us.

SOFIA

Cera thinks she’s worshipping Cocks, but she’s worshipping pussy.

They laugh.

FIN

FADE OUT.

 

 

 

 

 

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