INT. UNDER LITTLE DIOMEDE, FOX OFFICE - DAY
The women - JULIA, SOFIA, CERA, and NADIA - are in some underground theatre, now operating. There is a door labelled 'Red Reading Room' to the right.
A woman approaches them to welcome the trio into the theatre.
Thank you for coming to see Fifty Shades of Grey. I notice you're all female. So you will all be slaves.
Oh. I don't know. I like choice.
I'm more dominant than submissive.
The WOMAN gets angry.
You are women and therefore you are submissive! This is what our goddess L. Ron James says! You will obey.
Um . . . Okay.
These are your copies of the Grey Bible.
She passes them out.
It's only one shade.
Light grey for women, dark for men. Now please take a seat. The movie and gospel will begin.
They all find a seat in the cinema.
A BLIND MAN who's fifty shades of grey approaches the ticket booth.
I'd like one ticket to Fifty Shades of Grey please.
Hmmm. Submissive man. No. I can't let you see it. I think you should take a good, hard look at yourself.
The BLIND MAN starts hitting the window with his cane.
I can't see that person. I think you should make a good, hard booking, myself.
I don't follow you. Probly coz you're blind.
I can follow myself perfectly, but we'd be going round in circles.
BLIND MAN mumbles as he wanders off.
That makes no sense at all: probly sight/
They say I'll get sight and pigs might fly: probly kites/
A POP MAN and POP WOMAN are eating popcorn in the cinema.
How you make a movie is you make popcorn from kernels of truth.
The POP MAN eats some popcorn.
The POP WOMAN throws a handful of kernels at the POP MAN.
That's how you make movie!
The WOMAN who showed NADIA and company to their seats, now grabs the arm of POP WOMAN who threw the popcorn kernels.
Lady, you are creating a disturbance. You must leave.
POP WOMAN is shocked.
All around the cinema men are throwing popcorn at women.
But . . . men are throwing popcorn.
A man stands.
I'm a yes-man!
He throws a whole carton of popcorn at POP WOMAN.
POP WOMAN shakes her head and is escorted out of the theatre.
INT. UNDER LITTLE DIOMEDE, FOX OFFICE - DAY
Now we cut to a scene in the film.
What's the problem, Christian Jew?
I . . .
I . . .
ANASTASIA puts her arm around him.
It's okay. I can help you.
I've lost my ability to subjugate women. They're just getting way too smart. They used to be preoccupied with beauty, but now they're thinking. So . . . I need to think now. I need a way to make them think they're independent when they're still dependent, rebelling when they still work as secretaries, having an orgasm when they're picking cotton on the plantations and getting whipped . . .
Oh. Sorry. Meant to say picking up cotton buds and whipped cream at Walmart and working there as a slave.
It makes sense if you can't concentrate properly coz of the pain.
CJ whips ANASTASIA.
Yeah. Concentrated. Cordial is too sweet! I'm a strong, independent woman.
CJ whips ANASTASIA harder.
Say it louder!
I'm a strong, independent woman!
INT. RED READING ROOM - NIGHT
The women have left the cinema and entered the 'Red Reading Room'.
Hello slaves. Welcome to 'R and R and R': 'Rest and Recreation and Raw'. We have here wooden cane-like cocks from Queensland, Australia (they call them pests, probly coz it stings when you're hit by one), like walking sticks. They're long, like all women like.
The HOSTESS passes one to NADIA, JULIA, SOFIA, and CERA.
Wait. How much are these, and what are they for?
Oh, never mind that, dear. You're all independent gals now, slaves. You don't have to justify your expenditure to any man. Now, you'll all be entering a virtual reality world where these poles will move in accordance with the penises of men. Get ready for your spanking, slaves! The more cloud-covered goods (soft cotton-esque) you pick (to purchase) from the trees in the virtual plantation the more you will be spanked. I have the VR gear here. Are you ready?
She holds up some strange suits.
Cloud nine. I'm in!
She grabs a suit.
I guess we better see what all the hype is about.
The three remaining women each take a suit.
Lovely. You will enter the world when your suits are on.
INT. VR - NIGHT
Trees appear, their leaves sparkling like jewellery.
EL RON JAMES speaks. She's on a screen like one in the film 1984.
EL RON JAMES
I am your new, sweet matriarch. You will no longer listen to the likes of Russell Brand or Kanye West. They are bad patriarchs. What you want are jewels. There are so many jewels here. The more you collect the harder you become, and the harder your broomsticks become, and - therefore - the harder the virtual cocks slapping your bottoms become. Now run through the fields, rabbits. Run along now. Pick the cloud covered goods. Who's goodest?
She skips toward the trees.
Okay, this is getting kinda weird.
Oooomph rrrmmmph oomph.
Yeah. I feel like I have cottonmouth too. Are we getting high inadvertently?
NADIA surveys the scene.
Enough to be on clouds. Feels like we're floating. This is kinda fun.
INT. VR WORLD - NIGHT
The vastness of the plantation could be the roots of a plant (industrial-like).
NADIA tries to ride her broomstick but it bucks. Her body is shifted to the tail end.
EL RON JAMES
Women ride on the back of the bus-like broom, or they're thrown off, slave!
NADIA falls off her stick.
So does SOFIA.
JULIA is being nudged toward a tree by hers, and numerous others that have appeared out of nowhere.
One set of sticks is in the shape of a Cross.
It's prodding her, gently at first, then fiercely.
JULIA karate chops it, splitting it down the middle. Suddenly all the other canes start whacking her on the head.
EL RON JAMES
Oh my god! Julia exposed malpractice, and was figuratively crucified and called a terrorist, just like her father!
Who’s no bastard.
INT. ABOVE VR REALM - NIGHT
We're seeing SOFIA, NADIA, and CERA from EL RON JAMES's perspective.
SOFIA picks up a large necklace. It's attached to a decorative chain.
EL RON JAMES
That is to be attached to your ankle, young slave.
EL RON JAMES notices a new group of people entering the VR world.
EL RON JAMES
Ahhh. The French. Welcome, French girls. You are only twelve years of age. All the more time for you to learn how to be beautiful, obedient little slaves. With practice comes perfect submission. They love getting 'poked'. Everyone loves getting 'poked'. It makes them feel really special. Men, control your canes and dames! The women and girls are coming fast! And worship me! I am goddess James!
She laughs like a hyena. It must be her time of the month.
We see the girls, all covered in cotton from the VR slave plantation. They look like . . . sheep.
INT. VR REALM - NIGHT
There's a close-up on the faces of the poor, sheepish, 12-year-old French girls, each of their faces clothed only in a single tear tailing the cotton-covered goods they're wrapped in. Think MILEY CYRUS in Wrecking Ball, SINÉAD O'CONNOR in Nothing Compares 2 U, or ANASTASIA STEEL in that film we're fuckin' lampooning right now.
So, they all look pretty unhappy, yeah? They're just standing there, staring at the camera as they're prodded with canes like they're cattle.
FIRST FRENCH GIRL
This kinda hurts.
EL RON JAMES
You are free to leave at any time. Simply walk away from the camera. Exit screen right. A cop is standing at the door like a copter, ready to take you away.
We see the COP by a door, spinning around.
I'm a complete nobody. Many people question my worthiness. I spin around like I have mental problems. If I spin fast enough maybe I'll be able to fly. Please join me. We can pretend we're important together. Vrrrrrrrrrh vrrrrrrrh!
He runs into a wall, farting.
Jet propulsion but virtual owie!
SECOND FRENCH GIRL
Okay. I wanna go.
She runs over to the COP. He takes her hand in his, but starts spinning again.
SECOND FRENCH GIRL is swung into cane after cane.
Whoops! You’re hitting a lot of canes, sugar. But at least that sounds sweet and like a very healthy endeavour. There needs to be a book on it. Do some research and you'll find we can make what looks like some soap with some cane[,] sugar. Now keep crying! Your skin's not fifty shades of red yet. People like to see red. They'll come running like bulls. Big bulls with big cocks. Do you see where this is going? I don't. I'm colour blind! Am I inadvertently hurting innocent young women?
COP accidently lets go of her.
Whoopsie! I dropped her Lord James!
EL RON JAMES
Oh. Relax. We're in VR. People can only be emotionally and mentally damaged. Except from the canes. They're real. Everyone loves canes though, coz I do. All the followers of Jesus were disciplined, right? That's in the Bible. So they had canes. It's old too, so canes aren't out of place. I think we need more canes! Someone get me more canes! Are the animals finished with the Amazon forest yet? They've been in there too long! We gotta make more giant canes. Old, white, male CEOs are lonely! And everyone's picking on them. And if they look better they will find beautiful women to hit easier. We need more canes and women! We need pricks! If they're to[o] limp then this is not good. You hear me. People better be listening to me! I should be all over silver screens like cum. Strengthen pricks! Strengthen pricks!
INT. VR REALM - NIGHT
NADIA, SOFIA, and CERA walk through the plantation.
CERA's rather cheerful, covered in cotton-covered goods and waddling like a penguin as she's prodded repeatedly by what look like long pens. This entire realm is a long pen.
NADIA looks at CERA.
How can you honestly be enjoying this? Can't you see your agency is being taken away?
Then I'm independent, silly. I'm all wrapped in beautiful designer goods in brilliant, soft designer cotton while you two are still wearing nothing but away.
NADIA and SOFIA are prodded some more.
You look like a marshmallow.
Well, you guys are getting poked more than me. I can see no less than fifty shadows from canes on your bodies. Ha ha. See what I did there? I'm so smart.
NADIA sighs. She turns to SOFIA.
Tell me when CERA's wrapped up.
INT. VR WORLD - DAWN
Yep. They're still there. All of them: CERA, NADIA, and SOFIA.
NADIA and SOFIA are being entertained by CERA coz poor CERA has become intoxicated from playing with cotton. She now bounces in front of the other two with a big, cheeky grin on her pathetic little consumerist face.
You do realize, Cera, that you have spent thousands now on trinkets?
Ahhh. Jealous, are we?
Not really. But keep going. You're fun to watch.
I have a cotton watch.
She raises her hand. She does. It's also a handcuff.
Does it tell the time?
Sure. When it goes red that means it's my time of the month.
No second hand then?
Look, I don't know how Jews masturbate, but I only use one.
NADIA chuckles. SOFIA smiles.
You do realize you don't need an expensive fake cotton watch to masturbate?
Then how do I time my Kegels?
With a real watch. One that works.
Nah. I pick cotton. That makes me happiest. See the sign.
CERA points at a large sign in the shape of a beam from a goddess above.
It reads: 'Cotton pickin' gets me high!'
We're high because there's weed in the air. Actually, we're probably using bongs in real life. We're not high because of this VR. Or because of picking cotton. I'm not even picking any cotton.
I was wondering why you have no balls.
Maybe coz I'm a real woman, who doesn't need trinkets to feel special.
Nah. A real woman wants balls, lots of big and hairy balls. Did you know the Spanish love ball-fighting. They spend all day watching balls dance around red pricks. And women run with the balls.
She grabs some more balls.
She sings The Hills are Alive, or part thereof, with an added line:
"The hills are alive". They're balls.
INT. VR WORLD - DAY
CERA is limping now.
She is not being prodded by canes anymore because she has run out of cash.
She's trying to grab canes, but they're too far away or moving too fast, like sugar daddies on highways.
Are you done yet, Cera?
We can hardly see her face beneath the cotton-coated trinkets. She looks a lot like a piñata.
She gets down on her knees and yells at the VR sky.
How come no one's poking me anymore?!
EL RON JAMES
Honey, you and your crew have all stopped spending money. Please spend more or take off your VR suits now.
They all oblige her, in the better way. They remove their suits.
INT. RED READING ROOM - DAY
They're back in the Red Reading Room.
I trust you all thoroughly enjoyed your experience.
Actually, it was rather silly. I don't enjoy being hit by large canes. Also, our friend Julia was beaten to death.
HOSTESS puts a finger to her lips.
Shhhhh. This is a reading room. If you're not going to study S and M and learn to appreciate the art of subordination then you will need to leave. In time you will learn to love it.
I'd like to enter the men's area, please. And I would like some of them to enter the women's area. I just wanna hit a few of them like they hit me.
Oh! Sorry dear. That's certainly not in the gospel.
Wait a second. Cera's right, sort of. VR could help men to empathize with women by putting the men in the shoes of women.
No! Transvestites are not in the gospel. We only sell high heels to women.
That's not what I meant. But what have you got against transvestites?
Their roles are unclear. They are not allowed here. Everything must remain as close to black and white as possible.
JORDAN SHANKS appears, dressed as and imitating the HOSTESS.
Ohhhh! Most older people miss the days before color television. Are you saying they're all wrong? You silly silly girls. Now please leave.
The HOSTESS is furious.
How dare you make a mockery of this fine institution! We are here to serve the needs of men and women alike. We are not hurting anyone.
Just now, several 12-year-old French girls run over to NADIA, SOFIA, CERA, and JORDAN. They're in tears.
They were crying before they got here.
The girls shake their heads.
They're tears of joy.
Again the girls shake their heads.
They're French! They boil snails alive and pick their noses with frog legs. What do they know? Their minds are all messed up. They probably have live boils on their faces from moving like snail mail through outer space the wrong way, toward the sun, and beginning to boil. Frogs cannot move people, especially if they have no legs and are just squishy balls. No one likes squishy balls! They like firm, solid balls. People must stop sticking their noses where they don't belong, like around [f/F]rogs' legs!
Hang on! So what you're trying to say is that women are like frogs, and they need to be controlled by canes that are like cane toads (that may keep the predators of frogs away, but still EAT frogs), and men shouldn't go down on women or make love to them (putting their noses near the legs of women) but just fuck them, because women are subhuman and deserve less respect than men?
Yep. Especially the French women. That's what the gospel says, now an integral part of pop culture all over the world. And I'm only a woman, so I just obey Lord James. You, young man, should go control a cane with your cock and virtually hit women who don't obey Lord James. You really need to hit those women good. Hit 'em real good. If you're a real man. But are you a real man? You're so nosey you're like a non-violent dog. Maybe you need to be put down. I'm done with putting up with you, so are you down with that?
Just shut the fuck up. You make this situation so black and white it's like a pack of poodles! Then you encourage the poodles to be cruel and violent. Further, you're enslaving women in a virtual slave plantation and making them pick cotton-coated trinkets off trees.
A FRENCH GIRL looks at a cotton-covered trinket.
A FRENCH GIRL
Everything was so fit and fluffy, but then I was being hit with fluffy sticks until I was crying. That shit wasn't funny. So I made an effigy of El Ron James out of cotton and pissed on it. That was a little bit funny. But I was hit by fluffy sticks when I laughed. That made my nose runny. Then I skipped away like a bunny but fell on my tummy.
Um . . . French girl, you're sugar coating the experience and inadvertently making it sound less serious than it really is.
A FRENCH GIRL
I was beaten with canes controlled by pricks.
That's much better.
No it's not!
No. It's not. Let's get out of here.
They all leave.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY - DAY
The bay is a resounding grey.
On the ground are thousands of copies of Fifty Shades of Grey.
On a bench are grey ribbons.
Behind the bench TEACHARE is waving one around.
NADIA, SOFIA, and CERA notice her.
What's going on here?
Support feminism by buying a grey-tie ribbon! They're in fifty shades! Buy one of each!
NADIA approaches TEACHARE.
What does the money go towards?
Oh. Hey Nadia. Why, it goes towards the publication of more copies of Fifty Shades of Grey, of course.
Aren't there enough?
No, silly. It's the greatest feminist literature ever written, and now classified as gospel. I finally know what I like. I like to be hit. It really hurts but I like it because 'push' can mean so many good things: it has been a push but now we have the push to promote pushing with this fund-raising push. You can even write the meaning of 'push' on twenty matchboxes for no reason, and sing about pushing like Rob Thomas if you want. But don't, coz the theme of that song is way too complex. It's best to just let yourself be pushed around and physically abused. So burn all the matchboxes or pages with negative interpretations of 'push' written on them. And just focus on the one book: Fifty Shades of Grey.
Do you even fully comprehend what you're saying?
Yeah. There are three books in the series.
That's not what I meant.
CERA looks at SOFIA.
Darling, you're a Jew. You lot are notoriously bad at burning books. You wouldn't understand the fine art of making things simple.
Burning books can make a whole population simple. That ain't good.
That's silly. We'd never burn books, just piles and piles of pages. You're blowing everything out of proportion. Are you a terrorist? Is there a grenade launcher in your nose?
Shut up Cera.
NADIA looks at TEACHARE.
This isn't a good idea. We shouldn't pay attention to only one book.
Oh no? When has paying attention to only one book ever caused any trouble anywhere ever? Never. I rest my case.
CERA puts a cotton case down on the bench before her.
It's made of cotton. Fill her with grey ribbons, Teachare. Fill her well.
NADIA shakes her head and leaves with SOFIA.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY - DAY
JAMES SPADER, looking like Alan Shore but with a receding shoreline of hair, steps onto the island.
He's spotted by NADIA and SOFIA.
But he's first to talk. He runs over to the girls.
Ladies! I've heard what's going on. This is absolutely shocking. I am beyond appalled. I'm here to offer my assistance in any way I can. This rip-off must not be tolerated.
Yes. We know. Thank you. The exploitation of women is truly terrible. Our friend, Julia, was beaten to death in a VR world inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey. Women everywhere are being convinced that subjugation is sexy and pleasurable always.
What? Subjugation? Never mind trivial matters. Fifty Shades of Grey is a total rip-off of Secretary. This cannot and will not be tolerated. Fifty Shades grossed nine million dollars on opening day! Secretary grossed less than a quarter million. What the fuck is that about? I'm the dominant male! Jamie Dornan will not take this role away from me! That swine!
We can see JAMES's bald head getting redder and redder.
Where is he? Is he here? Let me at him!
Jamie's not here James! Look, we disagree with your motives, but we need your help in convincing women that this isn't the only movie worth watching, or book worth reading. There's even been talk of burning all other works.
JAMES is watching himself in Secretary. His portable DVD player is the shape of a mirror. He smiles, but then becomes furious upon touching his head.
Alopecia! Alopecia! Who's fault is this? Who has done this to me? Women! Women are to blame for this! They're tearing my hair out now: that's making me angry. I must pull their hair immediately. Please direct me to your nearest slave women. I can't win by a hair if I have none.
But you can lose hair and then win by the hair that you've lost. So relax.
JAMES considers this.
How can I relax? I have no hair to let down! You don't understand. Alopecia is akin to the apocalypse. It's every man for himself. We're all gonna die soon! We're gonna die!
He approaches a nearby Alaskan brown bear that has appeared out of nowhere, talking now like Alan Shore.
I'll approach the bench, your honour, to make my point. What are men meant to do when nearing the end of their lives?
The bear scratches his head.
How can we leave a mark on anybody if we do not spank women? How can we not gag them every time they say 'good mourning' in their stupid whiny voices every morning because they think mourning our deaths will be good?
He pats the bear.
That's some fine hair you got there, your honour. If I may . . .
He grabs handfuls of hair, ripping it off the bear.
The bear gets angry.
James! Watch out! That bear's hungry!
Then why the hell aren't you making us dinner, woman?
JAMES is eaten by the bear.
SOFIA looks at NADIA.
Is it just me, or were his arguments in Boston Legal usually a little more thoughtful?
I think he always had a passion for seeing some bear witness in a court of law. Then it just ate and ate him.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY - DUSK
A bell chimes.
CERA runs over to NADIA and SOFIA.
You guys, you'll be late for prayers.
Prayers, silly. Where have you two been all day?
We met James Spader.
Who? Never mind that. Look, all the women on the island are gonna be bowing down and praying to El Ron James as we get our arses spanked. Won't that be so very fun?
No. That is stupid and pathetic.
Now, Jew, you're being very intolerant of religious differences. Remember Hitler? He also didn't like Fifty Shades. And look what he did.
It's not that old. Though the story is. And I'm pretty sure he would have loved Fifty Shades, so long as the characters were German.
You two aren't gonna pray? The men will be slapping our butts with fish. They say they enjoy it more than fishing. This cast of ours is far more important than the throw of a stupid fishing line. So . . . they're running out of fish to slap women with. Do you two wanna catch us some fish?
For you lot to use as weapons? I don't think so. Good thing this isn't Japan. Whales are far heavier.
[A JAPANESE WOMAN has survived being struck by a man swinging a whale around. She's very bruised.
Did you see Fitty Shades of Grey?
No. Evewythin was black or whiee.
You only see things in black and whiee?
Huh? Well, all I saw was black or whiee, of course.
Hmmmmm. Vehwee unweasonable, madam. Vehwee unweasonable.
He turns to the camera.
Vehwee unweasonable Japanese women. Vehwee vehwee.
He slaps her with a fish.]
Tell me Cera, do the men even make you come?
Of course. In their balls. All the time. They make lots and lots. You guys are missing out.
She runs off.
NADIA and CERA shake their heads as they watch the women bend down together, their naked arses flapping in the wind like the wing-like flippers of penguins.
EXT. MEANWHILE, IN HANGZHOU BAY, SHANGHAI - DAY
It's the Chinese New Year and celebrations are underway at Hangzhou Bay in Shanghai.
ONE DIRECTOR is making a music video. There are actually two directors, but one's standing on the other's shoulder, and they are collectively called ONE DIRECTOR.
They're dressed as a ram: a battering ram.
ONE DIRECTOR is filming a woman - SEE-US - as she walks along the bay, getting slapped by men with fish. She's crying.
She's singing a song to the tune of SIA's Elastic Heart.
Hands and marks are on my slim bust/
I sigh. I'm shy, and honour lust/
Hands and lighters are the match I want/
I have no rights. I'm poor, and now a lost
SEE-US squeals as ONE DIRECTOR whacks her face. They're a ram, and she's a sheep.
REPORTER arrives on the scene.
Ahhhh. Mister One Director. I admire your work.
ONE DIRECTOR turns to notice this new arrival.
You are Japanese. You have come here to make peace with China?
Yes. I want to offer you many Japanese women. But they are unweeeeasonable! Vehwee vehwee unweeeeasonable! They see eveweething black and white. So unweeeeasonable!
They don't want to be in our videos? But we are so good. We are bigger and better than Americans in every way. Every way. We laugh at Fifty Shades of Grey. We do Fifty Shades of BLACK! Women faces, we turn black. They like this. We record their yelling and it sounds like they are having orgasm. So they like this. They weeally like.
The JAPANESE WOMAN from earlier appears.
It actually hurts. Vehwee bad.
ONE DIRECTOR points at JAPANESE WOMAN.
Ohhhhhh! She is vehweeee vehweeee unweeeeasonable! Vehree unweeeasonable!
Yes! I tell you this. Vehweeee unweeeasonable!
We must declare war on Japan!
Whoooooa! Whaaaaa? Wait a second.
War on Japan! Japanese are vehweeee unweeeasonable!
He slaps the JAPANESE WOMAN.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY - DAY
JOHN GLOVER ROBERTS, JR. appears on the island all of a sudden.
He's the current Chief Justice of the United States. It says so on his sash.
He observes the peculiar antics of the inhabitants.
He's shaking his head.
NADIA and SOFIA approach him.
You're the current Chief Justice. Surely you can see how silly these people are. I can see you're shaking your head in disbelief.
NADIA breathes a sigh of relief.
I cannot believe no one has thought of this before. Ever.
He's studying a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Why, this is truly a remarkable means of punishment. This could be an alternative to the entire justice system. We can call it Shadia Law. This is so remarkable. I must alert the president.
JOHN walks away.
Then I'm going to slap some innocent women with fish. I'll need some big fish. Maybe I can find some big fish in Japan.
The Alaskan brown bear, who appears in front of JOHN, has a big fish in its mouth.
Oh. There's one. I'll take that.
JOHN grabs the big fish out of the bear's mouth.
The bear eats JOHN.
Guess he didn't realize that HE was some big fish.
Should we do something about that bear? It keeps eating people. Idiots, sure. But they're still people.
NADIA points at a sign on the enclosure the bear's in.
It reads: Only enter if you're man enough to take on a fully grown bear.
I thought that would keep everyone out. But it only keeps women out.
INT. WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM - NIGHT
In the room: BARACK OBAMA, President; SUSAN RICE, National Security Advisor; DENIS McDONOUGH, White House Chief of Staff; CHUCK HAGEL, Secretary of Defence; JEH JOHNSON, Secretary of Homeland Security; JAMES COMEY, Director of the FBI; LISA MONACO, Homeland Security Advisor; and MARTIN DEMPSEY, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
SUSAN RICE indicates on a map the location of Dabiq, in Northern Syria.
Big voice now. And talk like a man. And suggest something macho!
This is where ISIS expect us to show up. But the members think they can predict the future. So this isn't an ordinary war. If the members of ISIS do not occupy this area, their prophecy will not be fulfilled. There's a very real chance they will cease fighting and disband. If we send troops there, we are playing their game. Americans die, and things go just as ISIS planned - no matter how many of their own men die. But if we drop one small nuclear bomb on this town we can maybe stop all the genocides and executions. We can even give them a warning, for only those who truly believe in the prophecy - the hardened psychopaths of ISIS - will stay in the area. Maybe women and children can be evacuated. Of course, a purely digital war, where we incrementally attack their ideology using the Koran ourselves and perhaps with assistance from Salafis, should be our first course of action.
He taps his fingers on his chin.
They did say my name once in a very rude manner. This is quite concerning. I don't like my name being sad in such a way. It makes me . . . moderately angry.
OBAMA turns to MARTIN.
Martin, have you got that graph with my face on it?
MARTIN leans a large piece of cardboard against the wall. On it is a big picture of OBAMA's face. The color can be changed by moving a lever on the side.
I think I'm orange at the moment. Definitely orange. That's moderately pissed.
MARTIN moves the lever until OBAMA's face is orange.
CHUCK is in front of another map. It's one of North Korea.
CHUCK points to Nampo, southwest of Pyongyang.
Mister President, we have located Kim Jong-un, in an isolated area near Nampo. He is with only a few advisors. We may be able to take him out with a small nuclear bomb. But we have to act now.
DENIS is on the phone.
Oh no. No! . . . You cannot be serious?
JOHN McENROE enters the room.
I know, ey?
Everyone stares at him for a minute.
Can we not let him in here, please?
What? Oh, "you cannot be serious!" Everybody wants me in here, and you send me out? The ball was in MY court, and you stole it! You're stealing my balls, Obama! You're stealing my balls!
JOHN throws a tennis racket at OBAMA.
OBAMA grabs it.
Rackets! Yes, we need rackets! I almost forgot all about making money.
He throws the tennis racket at SUSAN, then turns to DENIS.
What is it, Denis?
It's the Japanese. You won't believe this?
That was One Director, in China. He's telling me that he wanted to cooperate with the Japanese people and was going to let Japanese women perform in his music videos. But the Japanese women do not want to be slapped with fish. That's so unreasonable. Soooooo very unreasonable. He'll make less money at the box office!
Oh! This is absolutely disgusting.
OBAMA slams his fist on the table.
This will not be tolerated. My face is red now! It's red!
MARTIN changes the face color.
We will drop the bomb on Japan immediately.
But Mister President, I don't think this is wise. Perhaps our goal should be to prevent genocide as opposed to perpetuating misogyny.
There it is!
OBAMA points at SUSAN.
That fuckin' 'M' word. I told you not to ever use that fuckin' 'M' word in my presence!
We will drop the bomb on Japan! Now! I am so angry! Unreasonable women everywhere! Everywhere!
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY - DAWN
JOHN McENROE steps onto the island of Little Diomede.
He's just in time for morning prayers.
And he stands there, watching, in awe, as men slap the naked arses of women with fish.
He makes a swinging motion with his arm.
Oh, this place is good. I found myself new rackets. Just gotta get me some fish.
He notices NADIA and SOFIA strolling on the shore.
Oi! Why are you girls not getting slapped by fish?
NADIA and SOFIA turn to see JOHN. They stop walking, and he walks over to them.
Oh. We're not religious.
Hey, aren't you John McEnroe?
"You cannot be serious?"
He points at NADIA.
How can YOU not fuckin' know who I am? You must see me all the fuckin' time when you're online, and you can't pick me out!? How can you not clearly pick me out? I need a fuckin' fish to slap you with!
JOHN's really red.
The ball was in.
JOHN is stunned.
What did you say?
The ball was in. Nineteen eighty one, on the court. The ball was in.
JOHN calms down.
Oh. Um . . . thank you. You really think so?
Sure. The ball was definitely in. You were right.
Oh. I knew it! Um, well, there's something I should let you guys know: I was just in the White House Situation Room and Obama's about to drop a bomb on Japan. I don't really think it's the right thing to do. I just couldn't think clearly coz . . .
Coz of the referee from nineteen eighty one?
Yeah. And now when I think about it, this game of war is like an ongoing tennis match that will never be over. And maybe women in Japan who choose not to be slapped by whales shouldn't be killed.
That's why Obama's dropping a nuclear bomb on Japan? Seems a little excessive.
Well, these women can be very unreasonable. Very very unreasonable. They just want to referee everyone and every match and every battle. They think the UN reasonable. So UNreasonable. I hate referees!
But it's very important to empathize with people. Like I just empathized with you. Didn't that feel really good?
Shouldn't people all around the world have people to talk to and who will listen to them, from all countries? Maybe then we can prevent genocides, homicides, and even domestic violence. You see, sometimes words have a lasting impact.
I'm afraid you lost me there. Words having a lasting impact? "You cannot be serious?" That's just silly.
He walks away.
Please do not walk into the bear's enclosure!
See, like those words: I'm not gonna remember them. They're just boring words!
He walks into the bear cage and is eaten by the bear.
He can't really still be hungry? He's a little greedy, don't you think?
Sign of the times I guess.
INT. WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Again SARAH PALIN has found her way into the White House.
OBAMA is not pleased.
Sarah, you do realize that I am not looking for a relationship. I have a wife. Her name's . . . um . . .
Michelle. I know.
Where? Rodriguez? Am I in Avatar? My face would be blue. Martin! Martin!
OBAMA runs to the doorway and yells.
Martin! Change my face to blue! There's nothing more important than the color of my face!
No. I mean your wife.
My wife? Well, she's hardly more important than anything.
Never mind. Look, you can't bomb Japan. I'm afraid the Koch's are there. They were meant to come back to Alaska, but they went the wrong way. They thought the ocean was a fluid society or situation. It wasn't assets and it didn't change to cash. So they got scared and confused.
He yells at a passing woman, right into her ear.
Don't bomb Japan!
She starts crying and runs away, then gets eaten by a bear.
OBAMA looks at SARAH.
I may have brought a bear here with me. It's an Alaskan thing. You won't get it.
OBAMA rolls up his sleeves.
SARAH holds OBAMA back.
Look, the bear isn't the most important thing in this episode. We should just ignore it, like the elephant in the room, or misogyny.
The 'M' word!
OBAMA is furious.
Yes! We should definitely ignore that. Unless the bear starts eating men. That would be utterly terrible. That would damage their honour. I need you to go back to Alaska and make sure no bears are eating men there. And I gotta find another country to bomb or people are gonna think I've gone soft on crime. It's hard.
He grabs his penis.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE HILL - NIGHT
MAGGIE LIEU - aspiring Martian - is sitting on the hill, staring at the night sky through a telescope: at Mars.
NADIA and SOFIA find her.
They approach her.
Hey, are you an astronomer?
MAGGIE takes her eyes off the night sky, and off the telescope.
Yeah. Something like that. I was just studying snow and ice avalanches in Alaska, on the mainland. I'm preparing to go to where there are similar avalanches a long way away.
Everest? You climb mountains?
Yeah. Something like that. So, I got here and I was going to talk to someone but then a bell rang and all the women walked to the shore, bent down, exposed their arses, and then got spanked by guys with big fishes. So I thought I should just study the sky instead.
It's Fifty Shades of Grey. They're obsessed.
No. It's black and white. If some people are sheep, while you're looking at a magazine with pictures of the night sky, the issue can be black and white. These people seem more obsessed with the ground and just standing there, getting spanked. So people see red. But they lose sight of what's really important: thinking outside the box, WAAAY outside the box. Innovation. Exploration. Progress. I can see red without some big fish hitting women. Influential men who are misogynists really piss me off.
Finally. Someone with some compassion.
NADIA and SOFIA sit down next to MAGGIE.
So what do avalanches have to do with astronomy?
Oh. There are avalanches on Mars. I'm going there in ten years. Maybe. So I can return to earth and say that I came from Mars, like men. So maybe I can finally be treated equally to them.
NADIA and SOFIA stare at MAGGIE, in awe.
You're one of the aspiring Martians! You're like E.T. but instead of going home you wanna go away.
E.T. phone away. Doesn't have the same ring to it. And who would I be constantly phoning? Politicians just hang up on me. Until I go to Mars. Then they'll listen. Unless I scream. Pop culture's very clear on that.
Maybe you can help us out before you go. Maybe you can convince all the women here that they can be more than someone's slave, that each of them can achieve something in this world, that they are worth a lot.
A spaceship touches down on the hill.
MAGGIE turns around.
Oh. That's my ride. Gotta go. I said 'maybe ten years'. Looks like it's now. I'm off to Mars. See ya. I'll bring you back a Martian baby far smarter than L. Ron Hubbard . . . or El Ron James.
Before NADIA or SOFIA can respond MAGGIE has gotten into the spaceship and it has disappeared.
SOFIA and NADIA look at each other.
At least she wasn't eaten by a bear.
The smartest woman who has ever set foot on this island is going to Mars. But maybe running out'a space isn't such a bad thing. One can run out of earth and then become a universal leader. If good with language.
SOFIA points at RANDY.
The smartest man on the island is still slapping a woman with a fish. And it follows that every other man on the island is also doing this because it's about the dumbest thing you can do.
NADIA points at the nearby bear.
And still no one notices the bear. He must symbolize misogyny.
But, ironically, he DOESN'T have any fishes.
Wait a second! That's why he's eating so many people. He doesn't have any fishes because men are using them to slap women with.
So in order for people to stop this nonsense we'll just need to convince them that men are being eaten by bears?
NADIA shakes her head.
Probably won't work. We need to point out that the men eaten by bears may have lost their honour. Just the possibility of men losing their honour and esteem will undoubtedly scare these men more than any bear ever could.
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PRINTING PRESS - DAWN
SOFIA places a stack of blank pages on a table.
Blank pages from Fifty Shades of Grey freed, for real. Now it's time to really liberate women. Have you thought up the headline?
'Hitting Women with Fish Inflicting Illicit Blows to Male Honour (As Hungry Bears are Eating Men)'
That should do it.
BEL TREW appears.
'Reporters Threw Papers at Parties Present like it was Confetti or Parties and Presented Peeps with the Gift of Liberty'
Oh. Hey Bel. How are you?
Too good. Now let's put an end to this misogynistic madness. I'll help write the article. I think for Russia we'll push cooperating with bears, and for the US we'll highlight the danger of hungry bears. But we'll show cute bears too so that Americans won't go out and kill a whole heap of them. Like, we’ll put a mini puff piece for peace at the end of the article.
Puffy bears that look like otters.
EXT. OSAKA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY
SARAH PALIN steps off a plane.
Hey, wait a second. This isn't Alaska.
The COCK BROTHERS approach her.
CHARLES points at a whale. Then he and DAVID pick it up.
We hit you witta big big whale. And you like! You like!
What? No! No! This is silly!
CHARLES and DAVID chase SARAH, with the whale.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE DIAMETER - DAY
We cut through the island and find that posters of an article about bears are as common as bearings would be in a building. Now NADIA and SOFIA hold another up as BEL attaches it to a fixture.
RANDY takes a look at one of the posters.
The bears want their fishes. Of course they do. And our honour is at stake. Of course it is.
He looks around.
Everyone, stop slapping bitches! The bears want their fishes back and our honour is on the line!
No! Get it off! Get it off, quick!
My lines are perfect. I ain't gettin' nuthin' off, not even women. Unless they're on my fuckin' stage. Then they exit stage in front of my fist or fish! My choice. It's all about the right to choose. It's like Chris Brown always says: "That need to be hit . . . Let me see if you can run it, run it". And I choose to give a chick a fifty-shades-of-grey eye so she ain't runnin' nowhere. All staged so it's fine.
He slaps some chicks in the face with a fish.
That was staged. Isn't the choreography beautiful? And the colors? Especially the red. I'm so talented. Aren't I? Aren't I? I got a black tie in the sport of beating women. Ties make peeps sad, so I make chicks sad with ties, so everyone's glad I win the fuckin' fight!
That hurt! I'm bleeding.
Take this freak away.
Two men appear to drag AFROMAN away, kicking and screaming. (It would help if they weren't). They're simply dragging AFROMAN around in circles.
Oh, I'm like my hair now! I got a tail/tale coz I'm moving so fast like a travel writer. With the help of it you can catch more and more fishes to hit bitches with. I'ma call this improved part of the tail/tale: 'Fishes for Making Shady Grazes'.
The bear walks toward AFROMAN, who is now stealing fish from the sea.
Sure enough AFROMAN is eaten.
Finally the other men on the island drop their fishes.
The bear eats the fishes and spits out fish bones.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY - DAY
Now only women are standing on the beach.
They're holding fish bones (resourceful).
The bears are happy they could be of assistance.
Women slap their own arses with them, and then they realize they can help one another out. Then they get naked and wet. S and M ensues.
In fact, the women begin to sing. This might as well be a saucy music video.
They sing to the tune of HAIM's Pray to God. You know, the verse where it sounds like the women are having an orgasm. Yeah. That one:
SEXY CHICK 1
Stand on track/
(Men got lost) I'm envisionin' a suite, and we own it/
We've freed cunts
from old cruel hands/
(We're cock blocks) but we're given bones for treats and we own them/
I've been hit!/
(Oh! Oh!) In an instant I can feel I've gone wet/
Chicks dig chicks/
(Don't stop) This position's really sweet.
SEXY CHICK 2
Take it slow then/
I'm in bliss,
(got off), and I'm glistening with glee coz I'm so spent/
My lips lick your tooth/
You bit me too/
I can't see any problem with this.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE HILL – NIGHT
CERA’s alone on the hill.
She discovers the telescope left there by MAGGIE.
She speaks to herself.
What’s this? What does the gospel say?
She takes a pocket-sized version of Fifty Shades of Grey out of her pocket and flips through the pages.
It must surely be a colossal dildo.
She calmly inserts one end into her kucheela.
She moves it up and down, staring at the ground.
Feels good, but I may be missing something.
In the night sky are several shooting stars. Maybe one is MAGGIE’s spaceship.
ALEX JONES appears.
Um . . . excuse me, would you be able to direct me to the Fifty Shades cult? I hear the followers are playing here. Like, in theatres. I’m not too late, am I?
We ain’t a cult. We’re too big.
That telescope you’re on might be. You’d have a better chance of seeing where this is going if you could get off. But you’d have to remain on it or you’d just be seeing some star.
ALEX taps the telescope.
CERA looks at ALEX weird.
Oh. Sorry. Sorry. That came out wrong. I was just talking about your pussy.
No. Tap it again. Please.
ALEX does this.
Oh god! Again! Again!
Hmmmmm. Are you saying that I should tap this because it’s a telephone shaped like a telescope and I may hear something important if I tap it?
CERA sighs as she keeps moving up and down.
ALEX attaches a tap to the telescope. It’s a faucet.
Okay, okay. I put the wrong tap on, but I’m listening. What is it you’re trying to say?
Harder! Harder! You’re turning me on!
Oh. You’re pretending to be the tap. Okay. I’ll turn you on then.
He turns the handle.
Of course, we can’t expect any water to come out, because this is a telescope and not a pipe. And that’s because Obama has not put any pipes here. I guess he doesn’t care about Alaskans. So, I guess Alaskans can only look to Sarah Palin for help. So they’re totally screwed. If they keep looking at Sarah Palin, that doesn’t help anyone.
CERA stops moving. She’s annoyed.
Arrrrrgh! I was just gonna gush! Now I can’t.
I know. Coz of Sarah Palin. She took all your water, didn’t she? I knew it! She’s obsessed with baptizing terrorists. Which wouldn’t change a thing, except for which particular right wing they support. And if they support no right wing then they may start supporting one, and we won’t even know which. Christian fundamentalists will be flying drones into dams to baptize fishes. Wait! Is that why you think the fishes here are so special? They’re baptized?
CERA’s arms are folded in front of her.
You really know how to kill the mood, don’t you?
I aim to enrage people.
All week men have been slapping me with fishes, and then you come along and I think that maybe you’re a nice guy who will just push a fuckin’ telescope. You had one job! Push a fuckin’ telescope!
You want me to promote stargazing?
Yes! I want you to promote daydreaming. I want to be the subject of your daydreams. And I want you to not mention my fucking mother when I’m trying to masturbate!
ALEX is shocked.
Okay . . . um . . . sometimes there are things I don’t see coming. And sometimes there are people whom I do not see coming. I do believe that you are one I did not see . . .
ALEX is shocked again.
Wait! What? Sarah Palin is your mother?
CERA sighs, angrily.
So, you’re just not gonna let me masturbate, are you?
But I wanna ask you so many questions. I’ll give you time on my show to express yourself and tell my audience exactly what you believe in. I’m sure you’re very intelligent. You can talk about the relationship between Russians and Americans, since you live in this unique intersection of an island on the world map. I can already tell that you’re far smarter than your mother. That’s why you’re not living with her, right?
I’m. Trying. To. Get. Off.
Yes. I see. Your mother had you on a leash. You can see yourself, right now, connected to her, like it’s an umbilical cord. And you’re trying to get away. You tell her to go, but she’s like ‘I’m coming! I’m coming!’ You just wanna be free.
CERA is fuming now.
You are not helping me! You’re droning on about my mother.
Drones about your mother. There’s a thought. What would they allow us to see? We could be invading her privacy. We could be seeing her naked, in the shower. We could be seeing her masturbate, even.
CERA slaps ALEX and storms off. He can only talk to himself now.
Dammit, Alex. You are so lousy with women. Or maybe they’re all conspiring against me. I gotta tell everyone. That’s not gonna amount to anything though, coz no one listens to me. So this may as well be the end of an episode.