EPISODE 4: PRY

 

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EPISODE 4: PRY

INT. BALTHAZAR RESTAURANT, NEW YORK – DAY

Inside a sanisette inside a restaurant in New York is a republican mayoral candidate by the name of JOE LHOTA. Also, SARAH PALIN is there.

Outside this sanisette, but still very much inside the restaurant, some French people are lunching. Among them is the French socialist ARNAUD MONTEBOURG.

JOE

Isn’t this beautiful, Sarah? This is where I want to eat my lunch. It was designed especially for me. I wanted you to be my first visitor.

SARAH

We’re next to a toilet! In the middle of a French restaurant. Literally. I know the French are strange, but don’t they question our presence, or the fact that we can defecate right in front of them while they’re eating?

JOE

Nah. The walls of this sanisette are one-way mirrored glass. We can see them, but they cannot see us.

But patrons are looking at them. Some of them touch the glass.

JOE (cont’d)

The roof . . .

JOE points at the roof.

JOE (cont’d)

is like a cathedral’s mixed with a synagogue’s. So, really, this sanisette is the future of churches. This is where Jews and Catholics and Christians can meet. And where we can all eavesdrop on socialists and Muslims together.

Patrons put their ears to the glass.

SARAH nods.

SARAH

Yeah. I can hear everyone really clearly. So this sanisette is for bringing people together?

JOE

Precisely. We can all come together and be united against a common enemy: socialists and Muslims. There are socialists in the restaurant right now, led by Arnaud Montebourg.

Now, ironically, it’s the French patrons coming together to place their ears against the glass.

SARAH

These socialists are suspiciously close to us. Their ears look rather funny.

JOE

Yes! Indeed they do. Large. This is undoubtedly because they like to spy on Americans. They have evolved large ears over thousands of years from continually spying on Americans.

SARAH

Despicable! Spying is just wrong.

JOE

Oh yes.

He pulls down his pants and sits down on the toilet, then takes out a sandwich.

JOE (cont’d)

And look at the way they eat. They use metal objects all the time, because obviously their hands are always so filthy.

JOE takes a shit, then a bite of his sandwich.

SARAH

Yes. Remarkably poor hygiene.

More ears are pressed up against the glass.

JOE

They unknowingly display their ears to us. They look like pacu, with open mouths. They probably want to wrap them around my testicles. Obsessed with sex, the French are.

He begins to stroke his penis.

SARAH shakes her head

SARAH

Just disgusting.

JOE

So, you’re not eating anything?

SARAH

Oh. No thanks.

JOE

Then could you blow me?

More ears are pressed up against the glass now.

SARAH

Oh. Of course.

She gets down on her knees.

SARAH looks at the wall behind JOE.

SARAH (cont’d)

That’s a beautiful arc behind you.

JOE

A what?!

JOE jumps up. He turns around.

SARAH

What?

JOE

Disgusting.

He defecates in front of SARAH.

SARAH

What? What is it? I don’t see anything disgusting. Our shit certainly doesn’t stink.

JOE points at the arc.

JOE

That thing is a mihrab! They’re in mosques. Some disgusting Muslim has put one in here without my permission. We must destroy it immediately.

SARAH gags.

SARAH

Disgusting! I would have been praying to Allah!

She spews into the toilet.

JOE pats her on the head.

Then she sucks his penis like it’s a pacifier.

Every patron’s left or right ear is now against the glass.

In fact, this group looks like a beautiful mural.

Beautiful French women and handsome French men are pressed up against the glass.

ARNAUD peers at the glass in a concerned manner.

ARNAUD

From what I can hear, it seems as though some Americans are spying on us. Well, anyone is welcome to hear us talk. We value transparency. So this is okay.

JOE

Ha! Did you hear that? He wishes the walls were transparent. Because he wants to spy on us. That sick sick pervert. Probably gay too.

JOE licks the glass where ARNAUD’s face is.

SARAH

Ohhh! Your member just got harder.

JOE

That’s great. I’m glad you’re tough.

He licks the glass some more, staring at ARNAUD’s face.

JOE

Ohhhh! Ohhhhh!

He sighs, relieved.

JOE (cont’d)

Now we must smash that arc!

JOE runs at the wall below the arc and slams his entire body into it.

It cracks.

JOE runs into it again.

SARAH’s looking at the people pressed up against the glass.

SARAH

Some jumped. It’s almost as if they heard you just now. Amazing how we can hear them and see them but they can’t hear or see us. I didn’t even know mirrors were soundproof. Wait. That doesn’t sound right. But we’re listening to the French so it’s obviously they who don’t sound right. Simple logic.

JOE

Wait! Mirrors can’t be soundproof. Because so many people listen to models. How would people ever be able to hear models if mirrors were soundproof? So people wouldn’t know what to wear. They’d be perpetually trapped in their closets with no clothes on until some superhero comes along to free them. Maybe we should listen to models. Or people who look like models. Sexy sexy models.

JOE walks over to just near where ARNAUD stands on the other side of the glass, and touches the glass.

Now all the walls fall.

ARNAUD holds the glass up as patrons flee.

JOE and SARAH are standing in the middle of the restaurant, naked.

JOE holds up the mirror, and then helps ARNAUD out from under it.

JOE

You’re my hero.

ARNAUD

But you are the one who saved me. I would hug you, but you are naked and you stink like merde. Sorry. Excuse my French. You stink like shit! I am not sure if we can come together right now. But I would love for you to come with me to France so I can show you the famous Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile. Because I hear, from my eavesdropping, that you do not like arcs. But arcs, my dear friend, are very beautiful. Very exquisite. And so are Muslims. And mosques. We can visit many.

JOE looks scared.

JOE

But will Jews hate me? I won’t know what to wear. I’m scared of being ever so naked. Shouldn’t we kill defenceless, innocent people, like Palestinian children, so that we do not appear vulnerable?

ARNAUD takes JOE’s hand and they walk off together.

ARNAUD

Don’t be silly. You are naked right now, and covered in shit, and we are calmly strolling out of the restaurant hand in hand like lovers.

JOE

Yes! Yes! I am liberated! I am free!

JOE suddenly has one sandal on.

ARNAUD notices.

ARNAUD

That’s a very smooth flip-flop.

JOE

Thanks. Picked it up from some Australian writer.

SARAH’s left scratching her head in disbelief.

SARAH

No one looks at MY thongs when I’m wearing them. No one ever pays any attention to me anymore. I don’t like New York. I’m supposed to be in Alaska, but some guy wanted to meet me in a toilet and I couldn’t say ‘no’ because that would have been rude. And now he left me! He left me to go to France and kiss men under arches. I wanna do that too.

A WAITER approaches her.

WAITER

Lady, why don’t you go ahead and do that? Okay? Coz right now you’re scaring off customers. Okay?

SARAH

Maybe it’s the toilet in the middle of the restaurant that’s scaring them off.

WAITER

No. My patrons are perfectly fine with sitting on a toilet and consuming our fine French food. But if you are present, Madamaged, then they cannot eat, and can only regurgitate food because they just hear you perpetually regurgitate slogans. And this makes them sick. This is no good for business, okay?

SARAH

“Here in America, we believe competition strengthens us.”

WAITER

Then you go away now, and become nice and strong.

SARAH

Awwwwwww! That hurt.

She slowly walks out of the restaurant. And the patrons rush back in, half of them sitting on the toilet.

EXT. BALTHAZAR RESTAURANT, NEW YORK – DAY

Of course, SARAH PALIN doesn’t stay away. She returns to the restaurant armed with an intrusion of robotic cockroaches.

SARAH

If Big Brother got intruders, then I got intruders too. This is an intrusion! And people thought The Beatles weren’t heavy metal.

She uses a remote control to make the robotic cockroaches scurry into the Balthazar Restaurant.

They climb all over the patrons.

SARAH (cont’d)

Now my listening devices are working. I am so good at spying.

EDWARD SNOWDEN appears out of nowhere and taps her on the shoulder, putting a tap on her also, as smoothly as DERREN BROWN would.

EDWARD

Actually, you’re not quite there yet. You’re rather good at creating a spectacle. This is slightly different to spying.

SARAH looks at EDWARD.

SARAH

Explain how?

EDWARD

Quite simple really. You see, spying is surreptitious and clandestine. What you are doing here is making giant robotic cockroaches crawl all over the patrons of the restaurant.

SARAH waves at the patrons. They wave back.

EDWARD (cont’d)

And you’re very obviously making your presence known.

SARAH

No! They were the ones making THEIR presence known. I was just acknowledging their waving. They waved first! And if they wave we must wave back.

EDWARD

That’s rather uncharacteristically compassionate of you. But I’m afraid what you’re doing is not spying.

SARAH

I do not follow you. And that’s purposefully. Because I’m a leader.

EDWARD

Look, can you even hear what the people in the restaurant are saying?

SARAH

That’s just silly. They can just hear me. There’s no time for any back-and-forth. They should just be listening to what I have to say all the time, wherever I am. Even when I’m alone and masturbating they should be listening to me. Because I’m so smart.

EDWARD

Again, not spying. And again, that’s oddly and uncharacteristically compassionate of you. So anyone has your verbal consent to put a tap on you?

SARAH

And not force it into me?

EDWARD

No. Not faucet. I’m talking about bugs. Is this okay?

SARAH

Yes. I like to talk around bugs sometimes, when I’m in the garden, masturbating.

EDWARD

Yes. That’s excellent for awareness. Are you aware of what’s going on right now?

EDWARD SNOWDEN is bugging SARAH PALIN.

SARAH

Of course. I’m a politician.

EDWARD

Am I bugging you?

SARAH

Yes. As a matter of fact you certainly are.

EDWARD

So you have complete awareness of this and would be perfectly happy for me to walk away without taking anything off your body?

SARAH

Yes. Absolutely. That is absolutely what I want you to do. Walk away now please.

EDWARD

Okay then. Don’t go telling Obama about all this.

SARAH

Oh. I most certainly will. I’ve been meaning to pay him a visit so he can fuck me again, right in front of his wife, on top of a bear.

EDWARD smiles, and walks away. He talks to himself under his breath.

EDWARD

Not sure how I got into this state but I really really like it.

EXT. BIG DIOMEDE BAY - NIGHT

NADIA, SOFIA, and JULIA hop out of their little boat and onto Russian land. They're all rugged up (especially ‘down under’ their waists), and they all look a little like JULIA always does.

SOFIA

Why are we in Russia, Julia?

JULIA

I have some very important stuff to tell you. My dad tells me that Edward Snowden will be using WikiLeaks, but not personally. He gave his memory stick to Maggie Lieu and she's on her way to Mars. The whole crew of Martians are now in charge of leaking NSA documents. And, further, Edward has put a bug on Sarah Palin, and he's going to say in court that he has been working for her, and helping her spy on Russians.

NADIA

This is deep.

SOFIA

Space.

JULIA

I know. I needed to take you all to Russia to tell you because I can't risk anyone overhearing me, especially Cera.

RANDY

Cera's over here, in me!

Sure enough, CERA is presently having sex with RANDY – her tongue in his mouth - just ten feet away.

CERA

Shhhh.

CERA slaps RANDY.

RANDY

Ow! That's highly inappropriate. It's the most highly inappropriate thing to happen here ever. Nothing that has happened before this is even a little fraction as inappropriate as you hitting me.

CERA

Are you kidding? You were just hitting on me and hitting me, on me, and Julia just gave a speech on my mom that's a hit with chicks here, about how Edward Snowden - who probably has hits out on him - hid something on my mom, and plans to give a speech in court on my mom, implicating her in espionage and figuratively hitting a home run so he can safely run home. I can't get off now! Everything's not only going on, but going on everything. Like writing on walls. The signs for me to read are too big for me to comprehend as too many words are on them. And these chicks here are watching us. It's like lights were turned on and they're so bright. It's like I'm too popular to get off.

RANDY

So, like your mom?

CERA slaps RANDY.

CERA

Can everyone please just not mention my mother so that I can finally masturbate! I've been trying all damn week. I just do not want to think about her.

NADIA

Wait! So everything Julia just said is halfway through going in one of your ears and out the other?

SOFIA

It's all you can't think about, clearly. It's being fast-tracked through your mind to the other ear, like a drama going from the States to Australia or Ecuador. So, naturally, when I mention Assange you think only of acceptance, yes?

CERA

Yes. Yes! Oh yes! You cleared my mind, so it's getting off!

She touches herself.

NADIA

That was a fast solution to an unconventional problem.

SOFIA

Should we go back to the island right now or do we want Cera to come with us?

NADIA points at CERA, who's leaving.

NADIA

She already came and left. And the steps taken were less than one would expect.

SOFIA

Just touching.

JULIA

Elaborate.

SOFIA

There’s a cute elephant seal in her boat she must be rescuing. It arouses feelings of gratitude in me.

NADIA

That’s Randy.

SOFIA

Oh. Then it should be pretty obvious that she was touching herself, as he wouldn’t have been much help.

EXT. STREETS OF PARIS - DAY

MEGHAN TRAINOR is riding a tricycle with added training wheels. There's a stereo connected to it, blasting bass.

She arrives at a door.

She stops.

She looks around and spots several men. She coughs loudly.

No one responds. No one opens the door for her.

She's fuming.

She rides off.

She's swerving all over the road and pedestrians and cars alike must dodge her.

She has an article spread out on the handle bars.

It's about how ARNAUD MONTEBOURG held up a fallen mirror in the Balthazar Restaurant.

MEGHAN stares at the article.

MEGHAN

You will open doors for me, won't you Arnaud? You will! I need to find you! Who was there?

She moves her finger down the page. Meanwhile she runs over a pregnant lady.

MEGHAN

Ohhhhh! Must be some baby base! And I’m a base baby. Ignoble! We need more fuckin’ bass and base babies! Fuck baby bases!

She turns up the music, still staring at the map and not paying attention to the struggling single mother who has now lost a child: you know, important matters.

MEGHAN

Aha! I need to find Sarah Palin! She will help me.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

EDWARD SNOWDEN's painting his nails.

He's a defendant. The JUDGE is male.

JUDGE

What is it you’re painting onto your nails?

EDWARD

Chelsea Manning's memory stick. To remind everyone that if she's dead her memory stick[']s with us. I also make stickers with her memories printed on them. They're memory stickers. The more you stick together, the less paper-thin they become.

JUDGE

What is the meaning of this?

EDWARD

'The object or circumstance you're referring to.' I would have thought you knew that. 'This' is a regularly used word.

The judge puts a dictionary down.

JUDGE

You question the number of words I know? Of course I knew 'that'.

EDWARD

But you have a problem with 'this'?

JUDGE

No. None whatsoever.

EDWARD

Excellent.

EDWARD continues painting his nails.

JUDGE

What is the meaning of that?

EDWARD

See, now you’re trying to distance yourself from the subject. First the process of me painting murals on my fingernails was considered 'this'. Now it's 'that'. The jury should be aware of your inability to be impartial and your repeated attempts to distract those present through irrelevant antics related to 'this' and 'that'. I was thinking now of doing an interpretive dance, if that would please the court, to highlight how the law is up for interpretation given the richness of lawyers and their drive to make as much money as possible regardless of morality.

JUDGE

How incredibly preposterous! I'm afraid I cannot allow that in a courtroom. There is no knowing whether you have permission from the copyright owners to use the music you'll use.

EDWARD

So, I should just keep on painting my nails? I wanted Banksy to help me out but I couldn't find him.

JUDGE

Help paint your nails?

EDWARD

No. Help raise awareness of the contents of leaked NSA documents. Look, if you're not going to ask me questions pertinent to the case then I'll just have to answer the ones in my head. You're wasting everyone's time here, judge.

A kangaroo hops over to the judge.

KANGAROO

Can I get you any refreshments?

JUDGE

Is this your courtroom?

KANGAROO

It belongs to all kangaroos in the area, your honour?

JUDGE

And the lot of you congregate here regularly?

KANGAROO

Yes. That's true.

JUDGE

And you have dictionaries?

KANGAROO

Um . . . yes.

JUDGE

What's the meaning of this, then?

KANGAROO

You're very good at jumping from one point to the next.

JUDGE

I'm afraid I don't follow you. It would look silly.

EDWARD

Your honour, if I may interrupt, I would like to implicate Sarah Palin in espionage.

JUDGE

Have you filled out the appropriate documents?

EDWARD

I didn't get the chance, your honour. I was having sex with your daughter. How is she?

JUDGE

Very well. I will get you off.

EDWARD

She already did that, your honour. I'm not gay but I appreciate the offer.

JUDGE

You don't want me to get you off?

EDWARD

No, your honour.

JUDGE

But my daughter has asked me to. She said you'd be very happy. You told me, just now, that you're not. So I must insist.

EDWARD

Oh. I'm sorry your honour. I thought you were talking about sticking your long gavel-like penis up my arse.

JUDGE

I am. And I don't mean to pry, but what were you saying about Sarah Palin?

EDWARD

If you don't mean to pry does that mean that you carry out all your duties as a judge by accident?

JUDGE

Yeah. Every now and then I get lucky.

EDWARD

Does that mean you sentence someone?

JUDGE

It means I read someone's sentence and think 'this writing's real neat'. I like to read, you see? Only those two letters though.

The KANGAROO holds up a cue card that has 'C U' written on it.

JUDGE

See you.

EDWARD

I can go?

JUDGE

Don't start.

EDWARD

It's not a race.

JUDGE

Oh. Then yes sir, you may go.

EDWARD

I've won?

JUDGE

You said it wasn't a race.

EDWARD

The case!

EDWARD points at a suitcase. It's on fire.

JUDGE

The case is hot.

EDWARD

You stole this case from another judge?

JUDGE

What's the meaning of this?

EDWARD

Look, are. you. a. real. judge?

JUDGE

I get asked that a lot. It's a difficult question for me to answer. I guess it all started when I was young. I wanted to be a boy band.

EDWARD

In a boy band?

JUDGE

What? No! The whole band! Silly! And my mom said: 'go brush your teeth'. This was unrelated to anything as I hadn't told her my dream yet.

EDWARD

What has this got to do with being a judge?

JUDGE

American idol!

EDWARD

You were a judge on American Idol?

JUDGE

What? No! I just saw Mick Jagger.

Sure enough, MICK is behind them, waving. The JUDGE waves back.

MICK

I'm moving.

EDWARD

No one cares. Fuck off.

MICK

Sorry. I just wanted to tell you that I’m going on tour soon and . . .

EDWARD

I’m serious: no one gives a fuck.

JUDGE

It’s true. I just waved at you coz I was bored.

MICK

Then why is this scene still go . . .

EXT. OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM - DAY

EDWARD SNOWDEN's surrounded by reporters on the steps.

REPORTER 1

How did it go?

EDWARD

Unfortunately I didn't get to implicate Sarah Palin in espionage. I conspired with the judge to ensure he didn't hear me out.

REPORTER 2

Who's to blame there?

EDWARD

I don't know. Probably me. Maybe the Queen of England, who conspires with ministers to prevent money getting into the hands of the poor. See, I tried to be like her by keeping silent about corruption. But that was stupid. From now on I’ll speak out against corruption. And I'll scratch myself later with my nails – decorated with mini murals of Manning's memory sticks - like I'm a coffin or a computer. What exactly do people want me on? A coffin, or a computer? Or drugs? I’m hoping television. The film about me has eight awards so far so I’m hoping people wanna listen.

REPORTER 1 touches the bag EDWARD's carrying.

REPORTER 1

This is a very unusual case.

EDWARD

It's a body bag. Mick Jagger's inside.

MICK climbs out.

MICK

It's true. I'm moving.

REPORTER 1

No one cares. Fuck off! We’re here to talk to Snowden.

REPORTER 3

I’m not!

This REPORTER 3 walks into a stone wall again and again, then starts hitting it with a microphone.

REPORTER 1 shakes his head.

REPORTER 1

That’s a reporter from Fox News. They’ll edit you in later.

EDWARD

To be expected. Anyway, Jagger thinks I move like him since I go from country to country, so he thinks we have something in common. I think he needs a friend.

The Fox News REPORTER 3 is now trying to eat the microphone.

REPORTER 3

We gotta talk soft, then if the talk covers the microphone I’ll have some sound bites: some excellent bites. Otherwise this is too hard.

He throws the microphone on the ground like he’s chucking a tantrum.

EDWARD

Listen Fox, you’ll need to show me at least a little respect if you want me to talk about your microphone!

REPORTER 3 jumps up and down.

REPORTER 3

Yay! You said my name!

EDWARD

I didn’t. You simply just identify so strongly with your employer that it’s hard for you to be impartial.

REPORTER 3

I’m hard for you too, and I’m partially confused!

EDWARD sighs.

REPORTER 2

What are your plans now, Edward?

EDWARD

I have an irrational attraction to Sarah Palin so I think I’m gonna go to my flat and listen to what she’s saying all night. I put a bug on her the other day.

REPORTER 1

Where is that bug now?

EDWARD

Definitely in an unseen world, much like the ones Louie Schwartzberg filmed. Her body has never been explored by anyone.

REPORTER 2

Can we come too?

EDWARD

Not if you don’t want to be implicated in espionage.

REPORTER 3

I wanna be a Spanish pioneer. Pick me! Pick me!

EDWARD shakes his head and walks away.

INT. ED’S FLAT – NIGHT

EDWARD SNOWDEN walks into his flat. Speakers are everywhere.

EDWARD

Speakers everywhere. I could be at a TED conference.

EDWARD picks up a remote control and hits the on button. SARAH PALIN is talking, somewhere.

SARAH (V.O.)

Well, obviously I don’t like abortions, but if the baby is in the tummy of a black woman in a state with a “Shoot first” law like my Alaska and she’s knocking on your door rather hard, and begging for me to spare some change (which probably means she wants to avoid change and for everything to stay the same) then she’s probably trying to break in and I’ll have to happily shoot that baby.

EDWARD

Well, that establishes that I’m clearly not at a TED conference.

MEGHAN (V.O.)

Hey Sarah, I can write a song about that! I’m Meghan Trainor. And I think we should treat women like babies, so we should shoot them. They’ll sing my song: “You gotta know how to treat me like a” baby! Then bang bang! And I need to find a man who will open a door for me. I wanna shoot women until I find one. Can you help me? I need to find Arnaud Montebourg. He held up a mirror for people.

SARAH (V.O.)

Arnaud Montebourg! I hate that guy. He’s a socialist! But if he knows how to treat women like babies then maybe he’s okay. Yes. I will help you.

MEGHAN (V.O.)

Yay! Now we all dance pathetically.

Now only some bass can be heard.

EDWARD

What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is Meghan Trainor doing with Sarah Palin? Oh shit! She’s gonna write a song about shooting women and babies now. It’ll probably top the charts. Oh no! Julian Assange’s daughter will probably end up getting shot. I need to put this up on WikiLeaks to warn people. I hope I’m not too late. I hope Julia’s not dead yet. That would really really suck. I feel this entire episode will not have a happy ending.

EXT. THE COAST OF LITTLE DIOMEDE - DAWN

 

On a ship just a short stretch from the coast of Little Diomede lies a long, lubricated, and semi-erect pipeline (XXL of course: it says so on the sash).

JOHN BOEHNER is stroking it. It begins to move like the tentacle of an octopus.

BOEHNER keeps stroking his boner-like pipe. He takes deep breaths like he’s preparing to give birth.

He puts his ear to it.

BOEHNER

I hear you singing.

A song is playing inside the pipeline. It’s MEGHAN TRAINOR’s second verse of

Dear Future Husband

with

dearfferent words for the tune. Hush and

listen:

MEGHAN (V.O.)

Hard lines are divine/

Cunts are holes to spike/

We’ll make these wet with jets from pipelines stocked with oily spines/

And when they’re really long

the loads inside move lots/

Might we release

white or blackish streams?/

We’ve what’s a flow now for beating wives like babies,

for whomever’s really lazy

and playing with slings all night/

BOEHNER

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

BOEHNER strokes the pipeline harder, faster, and ever harder.

The pipeline hits Little Diomede’s bay. It hits the ground repeatedly.

The pipeline is long now, really long. And really erect.

NADIA, SOFIA, and JULIA appear on the shoreline.

NADIA

This is insane! What the hell is going on?

SOFIA

It’s the XXL pipeline! John Boehner’s trying to erect it here!

JULIA

Oooooompph nmmmmmmmph uuuumph!

JULIA runs toward the pipeline. She has a massive rubber bag in her hands. It has her name on it.

SOFIA

Oh no! Julia’s risking her life, running away from us to try and bag pipelines.

NADIA

She has a rubber bag. What are the odds she’ll bounce back?

SOFIA

So small. That’s a powerful pipeline. And she’s small fry.

BOEHNER’s moving like he’s about to have an orgasm. He’s stroking the pipeline like crazy now. Amazingly, JULIA manages to cover the end with the massive rubber bag. She holds onto it tight.

BOEHNER moans, loudly, and thick oil fills the rubber bag, but JULIA manages to keep the oil from spilling out onto the land.

The bag gets bigger and bigger, and then an end of the pipeline starts to rise like the trunk of an elephant.

NADIA

Julia! Let go!

JULIA doesn’t.

She’s lifted into the air with the pipeline.

SOFIA

Julia!

Eventually the pressure of the oil bursts the bag JULIA’s holding onto and she gets covered in it and goes flying. She lands, unfortunately, inside the very erect pipeline.

BOEHNER’s laughing and sighing. The oil falls onto his ship at least.

BOEHNER

Ha ha. It’ll be like I can make dead black babies fly. That’s ‘incredibly impressive’, isn’t it? Dictionary says yes. And dicks in power should always say yes to oil. And I can’t stand baby talk. Everyone’s all like ‘Feet toe! Veto!’ That’s just so fuckin’ embarrassing. No one cares about toes on feet! No one gives a fuck about balance! So Obama can shut the fuck up! Fuck balance! I wanna push babies off planks coz they’re too stupid to know how to walk themselves! If my lines were wooden I’d push ‘em off these cords like they’re umbilical cords! And force ‘em all to make my pipelines away from their mommies! I hate babies, except baby slaves! Fuck small fry! Oh look, I have a big black cock!

A large male bird next to him is covered in oil and can’t fly.

He strokes the pipeline perhaps.

Soon JULIA comes out of it, covered in oil, as BOEHNER comes.

JULIA lands on the shore, dead.

NADIA and SOFIA are stunned.

SOFIA

Oh my god! Julia exposed malpractice, and was figuratively shot at and her name was blackened, just like her father’s!

NADIA

Julian’s no bastard.

EXT. PARIS STREETS – DAY

MEGHAN TRAINOR and SARAH PALIN are both riding tricycles with massive training wheels through the streets of Paris.

They stop by a door and begin coughing.

No one opens it for them.

MEGHAN

Well, Arnaud Montebourg obviously isn’t here. We need to keep looking.

SARAH

We’ve coughed in front of every door in the city.

A FRENCH WOMAN approaches them.

FRENCH WOMAN

If I may offer some advice: perhaps you should listen to other people who cough. They may be suffering, or revealing very important information - in the British sense. You only cough orders. When many others cough, it means so much more.

MEGHAN

Ewwwww! Commoner!

MEGHAN spits on the FRENCH WOMAN.

MEGHAN (cont’d)

I’d be happy to listen to you suffer, bitch! Hurry up and suffer, stupid peasant!

FRENCH WOMAN

I find the taste of your saliva rather pleasant and would like to offer you some of my DNA in return.

The FRENCH WOMAN spits on MEGHAN.

FRENCH WOMAN (cont’d)

I ask you to question, now, the ownership of DNA, and also to think about how despite our social status we all have similar saliva. This may perhaps engender empathy in you for those considered below you. Then maybe the songs you write will contain lyrics that better address rising inequality and other concerning issues faced by the general population at this point in time, which could help aid activists and render your songs timeless like John Lennon’s.

SARAH

She’s obviously speaking in French. I can’t understand a word she’s saying.

MEGHAN

I know. The French are so uncivilised.

They ride off, each of them spitting on the FRENCH WOMAN.

The FRENCH WOMAN had her foot in a door, it turns out. And now ARNAUD MONTEBOURG turns up at the door.

ARNAUD

Hi. I hold mirrors up to people. New trick I learnt. Can I help you with anything?

The FRENCH WOMAN watches SARAH and MEGHAN ride away.

FRENCH WOMAN

If they could only see themselves right now. They look so silly. But there’s nothing I can do. I’m a nobody. Nothing at all I can do.

ARNAUD

I’ll just repeat: I hold mirrors up to people. Can I help you with anything?

The FRENCH WOMAN looks at ARNAUD.

FRENCH WOMAN

No! I do not want to be a model! Everybody is so simple. Nobody wants to make a real difference in this world. But there’s nothing at all I can do. Because I’m a nobody!

ARNAUD

I might just say this again: I hold mirrors up to people. See, I’m a politician so I have the power to lift really large mirrors, like one I recently lifted in New York.

FRENCH WOMAN

I get it! I get it! You try to make politicians model politicians.

ARNAUD

Why, yes. That’s right.

FRENCH WOMAN

What are they made out of? Clay? You make little dolls of people in power to give to those people so that they can admire themselves?

ARNAUD

No. No. You have it all wrong. I try to make politicians into model (exemplary) politicians. I believe they need to be honest and transparent.

FRENCH WOMAN

Well, why didn’t you tell me? We could have been chasing Sarah Palin and Meghan Trainor down the street all this time!

ARNAUD

Oh no. Not Americans. Americans are too difficult. I can’t help you there. You are right. You are a nobody and you should probably give up. Would you like a complimentary model of Sarah Palin?

He holds up a model.

FRENCH WOMAN

That’s the basic form of a human body. There’s nothing about it that’s truly unique or that would enable me to differentiate it from a model of any other American politician.

ARNAUD

Exactly.

EXT. THE COAST OF LITTLE DIOMEDE - DAY

JOHN BOEHNER is bathing in the island’s heated spa. He’s scrubbing the oil off himself.

BOEHNER

Ahhhh. The oil’s almost gone. I’ll be totally clean.

NADIA and SOFIA approach BOEHNER.

NADIA

You’re not innocent! You just killed our dear friend, Julia.

BOEHNER

What? Heavens no! I was working for the company! The company made me do it! I mean . . . they did it. It was them.

SOFIA

Well, if the company asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?

BOEHNER

No! Of course not! I’d push a baby off. Probably a black one in the womb of a home invader. The law is very clear on that here in Alaska: “Shoot first”, ask questions later.

NADIA

Julia wasn’t invading your home. She was on our island. You were the one who just invaded our island.

BOEHNER

I didn’t kill her. Look, everyone in the company asked me: ‘Can we ask you a question?’ I said ‘shoot!’ Then they went ahead and asked me a question. So they’re the ones shooting. We’ve done away with formalities, you see.

SOFIA

What was the question?

BOEHNER

I believe it was something along the lines of: ‘Will you, John Boehner, kill Julia Assange, daughter of Julian Assange, for us and assume full responsibility?’

NADIA

And your response?

BOEHNER

Something along the lines of: ‘Yes, David Cock. Can I suck your penis now?’

SOFIA

The Cock Brothers. Of course. They knew Julia’s location.

BOEHNER

The Cock Brothers? No no no. Where did you hear that? That’s preposterous! It was an anonymous company. A totally anonymous company. It’s totally not in OK.

NADIA

That’s right. Anonymous companies should certainly not be fashionable. They’re used by people who launder millions of dollars.

BOEHNER

No. It is in, okay. I mean, I wasn’t meant to say it’s in OK, but . . . but money laundering is okay. But the company’s not in OK . . . but it is OK . . . Why are you tricking me?!

NADIA

We’re not. You’re only fooling yourself.

BOEHNER’s nervous. He looks around and notices part of his pipeline next to the spa, upright.

BOEHNER

Is that a trick pipe?

SOFIA

No. It’s real. You put it there.

BOEHNER

No. I mean, is it defective? What if it breaks? The top will fall on me!

NADIA

Then you should move.

BOEHNER

But the company said the pipeline can’t break. I remember I said: ‘give me a break’, and they said ‘there will never be a break. You will work for us until you die!’ Oh no! I have problems with relations! How can I fix them? Violence? No! No! I need to focus all my attention on the pipe!

The pipe begins to fall.

BOEHNER (cont’d)

But that’s wrong! It’s wrong to focus all my attention on the pipe.

He ignores the pipe.

NADIA

No! Boehner, move! The pipe’s falling!

BOEHNER

You’re wrong, my dear. I have seen no Scotsman balancing any bagpipe on any berry in any nearby palm tree and therefore do not believe my life is in danger. I need to pay more attention to prairies and not pipes; to springs and offspring and not profits; to people and not power; to prevention and not pollution; to . . .

The pipe falls on him and he’s dead.

NADIA looks at SOFIA.

NADIA

What do we tell his relations?

SOFIA

That they were the cause of his death? Ironic, really. I’m rather perplexed.

 

EXT./INT. MUSÉE DU LOUVRE/MIRROR MAZE – DAY

We catch up with MEGHAN TRAINOR and SARAH PALIN, riding their tricycles with massive training wheels, now near the Musée du Louvre.

They both touch their throats.

MEGHAN

Why is my throat so sore?

A group of girls spot MEGHAN and start screaming.

GIRL

You’re Meghan Trainor!

MEGHAN hops off her tricycle, gets on all fours, and begins chasing GIRL, barking. GIRL and the others run away, still screaming.

MEGHAN jumps back onto her tricycle.

MEGHAN

I ain’t gonna open doors for no one! That’s what they always want: me to open doors for them. These stupid peasant girls really piss me off.

SARAH

Yeah. Who’s gonna open doors for us? How are we gonna get into this big glass pyramid?

Suddenly ARNAUD MONTEBOURG comes into view. He’s standing next to a massive mirror that’s reflecting the Pyramide du Louvre.

ARNAUD

Ladies.

ARNAUD is smiling and opens the door of his massive mirror.

MEGHAN and SARAH look at one another, then they ride steadfastly toward the massive reflection.

SARAH

Finally somebody is opening the door for us.

ARNAUD

I only ask, ladies, that you wear glass.

MEGHAN and SARAH arrive at the open door.

MEGHAN

Wear glass?

ARNAUD

You’ll see people inside glass. Feel free to wear that glass as much as you want. You can hit it, kick it, spit on it. Make sure you let these people know how fuckin’ annoying they are.

MEGHAN

Oh yes. Most certainly.

ARNAUD

Also, wear Glass.

He hands them each a Google Glass.

MEGHAN and SARAH shrug, then put the glasses on.

ARNAUD

Okay Glass, document hypocrisy.

ARNAUD waves them inside.

They ride in and the door is shut behind them.

All around them are mirrors.

All around them are reflections of themselves.

MEGHAN sees herself in the mirror and is furious.

She rides up to her own reflection.

She stops and begins to cough.

She coughs louder.

MEGHAN

This arrogant bitch will not open a door for me!

SARAH PALIN is in the same shiny boat.

She’s coughing at her own reflection also.

They’re furious.

They start kicking the mirrors.

When the mirrors fall they find more right behind them.

Broken glass is everywhere. Fortunately Glass works.

INT. ED’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

So, EDWARD SNOWDEN happens to have an MRI scanner in his apartment. Deal with it! You don’t really need massive magnets. Read the literature! Or watch a TED Talk!

He also happens to be in one right now. Deal with that too!

We see what he’s watching and he’s watching what SARAH PALIN is seeing right now, because SARAH PALIN is wearing a Google Glass.

We hear what he’s hearing and he’s hearing SARAH PALIN right now because he bugged her recently.

On a table nearby is his laptop.

EDWARD explains what’s going on.

EDWARD

Hey viewers. I want to explain quickly what I’ve done here, but you’re not going to hear this explanation until after you’ve seen the footage. I’ve been live-streaming what Sarah Palin is saying right now, and also a distorted version of what she is looking at right now. It’s distorted because it’s my brain activity from watching what Sarah is watching, decoded using fMRI technology. So you’ve been seeing a freaky version of what she is seeing. You’ve heard her talking to some freaky being. You’ve heard her abusing and criticizing this strange ‘other’, this alien, this foreigner, this enemy. And now we see that . . . Sarah is talking to herself. She’s yelling at her very own reflection.

 

EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – NIGHT

HUGO FARRANT and GIORDANO NANNI step onto the island where JULIA ASSANGE was killed by JOHN BOEHNER: Little Diomede. HUGO FARRANT is dressed as ROBERT FOSTER, the Juice Rap News anchor, his hands-free microphone on hand.

NADIA and SOFIA approach the men.

NADIA

Hey guys, if you’re from Fox News we just want to make it perfectly clear, again, that Julia Assange was not trying to steal John Boehner’s identity by using a rubber bag to cover the end of the pipeline. She was not trying to capture his sperm. She was simply trying to stop oil from spilling onto our island. She didn’t have plans to artificially inseminate pigs using John Boehner’s semen and then put litter on planes. That’s just rubbish. Not a bomb. And no, this doesn’t fly with us [pigs, and a bomb]. And no, just because all wars create cold people does not mean all cold people create wars. We’re not in the middle of a cold war. We’re not terrorists. If the original statement is false – like ‘All Russians are terrorists’ – then no amount of deductive reasoning should lead you to ascertain that the particular Russian person you’re meeting is a terrorist. And inductive reasoning should be avoided as it involves making generalizations from limited evidence, unless those generalizations are hypotheses you will be testing using the scientific method and performing ethically sound experiments that other researchers will be able to replicate.

HUGO FARRANT, in character as ROBERT FOSTER, begins to spit.

ROBERT

We’re not from Fox/

We’re from Austrayl’ya/

And not Murdoch,

who’s not a saviour/

We came to save you from the dim press impressing on you fear of leftists, coz the press is left alone to obsess all alone in studios in Texas about how the West is reckless whenever they let westerners rest with others from the rest of earth that’s west of where western US is/

We’re keen to keep abreast of all developments . . .

SOFIA touches her breasts. On them are tattoos of really cute elephants. She’s milking them for what it’s worth. ROBERT notices this.

ROBERT (cont’d)

The elephant’s your breasts, yes, but there’s no room to be obsessed with that new, fresh development, and kosher milk developed,

when west of here Nemtsov is dead, and Julia Assange as well: the daughter of a guy we love to help/

Who knows when men will approach Edward Snowden and kill him then coz of what knowledge he’s dispensing and dispensing with the press obsessed with cover-ups?/

He’ll up his cover, but if agents, undercover ‘round his door, are hoarding data on the ground he’s covered he won’t cover more, and no others will then cover what he discovered and subjects for us to explore, and that subjects us to a world like that in 1984/

But scores and scores of people are now watching Snowden more, because of all the attention the good press gave to the dispensing of awards to those reformers who made what’s Citizen Four/

And now Snowden’s inside an MRI machine, and tryin’ to help us see what Sarah Palin’s eyes are seeing, and we see what his mind is seeing, and she’s inside what I believe’s a maze of mirrors, tryin’ to pick a fight with whom she finds is someone undesirable, but I think it’s true she’s looking at the very body she’s inside, that’s like the body that she’s in, and that that’s almost indisputable/

HUGO/ROBERT holds up his laptop to show the girls.

ROBERT (cont’d)

She’s yelling at herself, see, and it’s almost irrefutable/

Her status and her mental health is almost inexcusable/

These YouTube views are through the roof. Her party is not suitable and ev’ryone sees through her slew of ignorant pursuits/

SOFIA is still milking her breasts.

ROBERT just stares at her.

SOFIA

Oh. Sorry. I’m the daughter of Sarah Silverman so I have an innate ability to seek attention, and you were talking for too long so now I’m milking my breasts. But I like your rap.

ROBERT

Well, that’s good then.

INT. SOFIA'S SHACK - DAY

SOFIA's playing a game. It's called Milk It. We can see the box: it looks like a milk carton stomped on by an elephant that looks like the tattoos on SOFIA's breasts.

SOFIA

This game should totally have the option: go outside and explore the real world. But it doesn't. So I'm stuck here playing it.

NADIA

What's happening in the game?

SOFIA

I'm playing a game in the game, and crying over spilt milk.

NADIA

By the way, you do realize that you're pregnant, Sofia?

SOFIA

Huh?

NADIA

Either that or you're taking medication for schizophrenia, or to help with cancer treatment, or you have a benign tumour in your pituitary gland. Coz you were milking yourself. And now there really is an elephant in some room or other.

SOFIA

Oh. Must be a benign tumour. No need to cry over spilt milk. I'll see if there's a virtual doctor in the game.

INT. SOFIA’S SHACK – DAY

JOHN C. McGINLEY, looking suspiciously like PERRY COX, enters the room.

NADIA greets him.

NADIA

Ahh, Doctor Cox, thank you for coming. You see, my friend Sofia is acting a little strange. I think she has taken one joke way too seriously and is now milking it for more than what it’s worth.

SOFIA is sitting in a pool of milk. Her breasts are leaking.

JOHN

I need scrubs.

NADIA

Oh. Ha ha. I know. I called Zach Braff but he said he was too busy kick-starting lawnmowers for ripping up others’ roots so they can be ignored, and having everyone focus only on him.

ZACH BRAFF appears, strolling up to the camera.

ZACH

It’s simple really. I just realized that all the money I need and more I can get from the poor people, instead of the rich. I realized that people care only about me and my life, that their lives don’t matter, and that I should milk the poor of what they’re worth. Because people all around the world are wholly incapable of expressing how they’re feeling through artistic means and require me and me alone to articulate their foreign feelings for them. And they want to know about only foreign feelings, so people from other countries wish to know only about my American feelings. So, inspired by Rose Goslinga, who worked out a way to charge the poorest people in Africa for insurance, I used Kickstarter to collect money from those without hope of ever achieving success on their own and fervently wishing to live vicariously through me since I’m so successful and far more intelligent than those pathetic J.D.-esque losers. My new film is called Wish You Were Me, and that’s not a question.

NADIA

Whoa! Slow down. How did you get here?

ZACH

Oh, that’s easy. My flight was funded by a fine group of young men from Libya who said they were going to fly to the US to study medicine so that they could help their families back home but instead thought they would donate their money to me so that I could make this short, pointless trip to Little Diomede for the sake of bumping into Doctor Cox so that we could continue to milk a humorous line, even though such figurative milk would surely have gone sour after five long years of remaining stagnant. But there are, perhaps, some people who have not laughed at my jokes yet, and pried into my unique personal private affairs which nonetheless resonate with each and every African. They all need to understand my struggles.

JOHN looks at ZACH and shakes his head.

JOHN

Shut up, Oprah! And this isn’t what I meant when I said I need scrubs.

ZACH

Notice the use of a female name to address me even though my sex is male. Ahhh, those young African men will be so proud of me. And they do say laughter is the best medicine. So they and their families will die happy now.

NADIA

Of course, Doctor Cox. You meant hygienic clothing. I’ll get some.

JOHN

No. No. Wrong again. You see, the milk your friend Sofia is making could be used as a lotion, or facial scrub. I’m planning to rub it all over my face.

JOHN approaches SOFIA.

NADIA

Well, maybe first you could tell us what you think the problem might be.

JOHN

Oh, that’s very simple. This white milk represents hopelessness accumulating. In America right now there is some whitewash everywhere. The powers that be conceal unpleasant information about important people in order to protect their reputations. This is exemplified by the recent Oscars being run and attended, as usual, by predominantly white middle-aged men: a fact that Fox News is intent on trivialising. Sofia, naturally, senses this with her breasts and a tumour inside gets ever larger the more absurd predicaments become.

NADIA

Then won’t covering your face with the milk from her breasts just increase the absurdity of this predicament and promote more hopelessness and tumour growth?

JOHN

Yes, but everyone will see that I’m very very white.

ZACH

Oh, Doctor Cox, you could call me Sandy, because I will be slightly less white than you are. And you could say my cheek is so grainy, or annoying, that it’s a negative, especially when you try to picture what you love and hate about being my mentor. Everyone’s attention will be on my cheeks and they’ll soon be kissing my arse. Coz I’ll be so much more developed than the world, and some film from a backward country. They can all watch my behind as they look ahead to a future of imminent death, because I certainly won’t back them or be behind them any step of the way. I’ll simply turn my back on them and walk away, coz my backside is so pretty they can paint it, and my shit certainly doesn’t stink so they can take it.

JOHN begins to rub the milk from SOFIA on his face.

SOFIA slaps him.

JOHN is stunned.

JOHN

I was under the impression you were just an extra, or background actor, with no significant role in this particular scene. Where’s an old white male director to put you in your place?

NADIA

This is our place. You’re both trespassing.

SOFIA’s breasts stop leaking milk.

SOFIA

Hey, we may have finally found a voice and hope.

NADIA

But we wasted a lot of milk in the process. Hey Zach and John, I know you guys are pretty much washed-up, but do you mind helping us wash up?

ZACH

That’s the least I can do, but won’t.

JOHN

I’m not washed-up, I’m whitewashed.

EXT. GANDO, BURKINA FASO – DAWN

We zoom out to find that key images from the previous scene are being projected onto a massive screen larger than any nearby dwelling.

This screen is in the middle of Gando, in Burkina Faso, and standing in front of it is DIÉBÉDO FRANCIS KÉRÉ.

He is about to speak to an audience of viewers.

DIÉBÉDO

You just saw a brilliant scene. You can notice how this man – Doctor Cox – he calls the other man by the name of a woman, and he does this repeatedly.

DIÉBÉDO laughs.

Everyone is just looking at him.

DIÉBÉDO (cont’d)

You see, his sex is not female. He is a male. But this man is calling him by the name of a female.

Still no one is laughing.

DIÉBÉDO (cont’d)

Okay, so I know that I said I was going to Berlin to study architecture. But I instead decided to go to Hollywood. These people there are very very clever. Okay? There are projects, okay? Like, usually there are research projects and history projects, and ‘the projects’ also means a housing development where people pay very little. All good, right? We need researchers to come up with solutions to our problems, and we need to not forget the history of our peoples, and we need a housing development where we can live safely and that is low-cost. But I learnt in Hollywood, California, that the word ‘project’ also means to cause an image like the ones you just saw to fall onto a surface like the massive screen we now have here. Also, I can ‘project’ myself as anyone I like, without having to study anything. I can ‘play’ an architect. And we can also ‘project’ our sadness and sense of hopelessness on to other people and make-believe that we are indeed extremely wealthy, while they are the ones struggling to survive. For example, Zach Braff. He was a very very poor man. He needed lots and lots of money to make the scene that we just saw. I paid him all the francs that you all gave me before I left, with tears in your eyes as you bid me farewell and wished me luck and begged me to make a difference. And he taught me how to project my voice by yelling at me ‘far cough!’ He means – I’m sure – that you want people to hear your cough from far away. Now, if I project my voice, this means I have ‘projected’. Past tense. If some project and then feel that’s a job well done, then this project is complete, no? Because the project is a job well done. So all our problems are solved.

A BURKINABÈ raises her hand.

BURKINABÈ

You were not meant to go to Hollywood. We were all counting on you going to Berlin to learn how to build us a school. Our kids need to learn. They want an education, and it gets very very hot here. How is Hollywood going to help us?

DIÉBÉDO points at the screen.

DIÉBÉDO

We have this massive screen. And we saw the man – the man I told you about, his name is Zach Braff. He was called Oprah. But he is not a woman. He is a man!

DIÉBÉDO laughs.

DIÉBÉDO (cont’d)

He is a man but the other man calls him by a female name!

Suddenly TED DANSON appears, looking suspiciously like DOCTOR JOHN BECKER.

TED

Oh look, cut the crap, will you? You made a mistake going to Hollywood instead of Berlin. You only learnt how to play with words. Now, what good is that here? And calling a man by a woman’s name is not that funny. You really shouldn’t have been wasting your time in Hollywood when you could have been studying architecture. You let the whole community down. Now could you please all get off our set. We’re trying to make a movie called Becker vs. Kanye West, where Beck tells Kanye West to see Becker in Northwest Africa, but Kanye’s son North West ends up in Southwest Africa and the audience gets lost!

TED is staring menacingly at the people before him and pointing westward.

TED

Ted talks, people! Ted talks. That’s me! I talk. This is my stage. I own it. Now, you all need to leave. Get lost! And don’t gather in that massive makeshift auditorium we erected when it gets hot. That’s for actors only.

RIDLEY SCOTT arrives on set to sort things out.

RIDLEY

I didn’t ask for some black background. How is this not clear as day? Oh! You’re people! That would have sounded rather racist. But let’s be reasonable: we’re filming in Burkina Faso, and there are many many white people here. There’s me, there’s Ted, and . . . many many white people. So it’s only natural that we want white actors. Is that clear?

BURKINABÈ

There’s a lot of food on set. Do you think we could take a little for ourselves before we leave?

ZACH BRAFF appears.

ZACH

I’ll deal with this.

He turns to BURKINABÈ.

He pulls down his pants and turns around.

ZACH (cont’d)

Do you see my big white arse? Watch it as I walk away. Soon you will see a star.

He walks away and the camera doesn’t move.

Then GUS VAN SANT appears in front of the camera with his thumbs up, smiling.

 

EXT. BIG DIOMEDE – DAWN

CERA, all alone, stares at some hypnotizing video footage playing on her laptop screen.

It’s that of EDWARD SNOWDEN’s brain activity as he watches SARAH PALIN, decoded. So the being looks like some kind of alien. CERA is watching this with the sound muted.

CERA

Acceptance. Okay. Acceptance is what gets me off. I know this. So I should just accept that this alien on screen is someone just like me. Yes!

She touches herself.

CERA (cont’d)

Yes! This alien is soooo hot! Ahhh! Ohhh! Yeah!

She’s masturbating.

CERA (cont’d)

I am totally going to have an open mind from now on, because maybe some ‘others’ are really really hot and sexy. Ohhh yeah!

And it’s now that EDWARD SNOWDEN reveals who it is that SARAH PALIN is staring at: SARAH PALIN!

CERA (cont’d)

Arrrrrrrgh!

She throws the laptop against a rock.

CERA (cont’d)

Mother fucker!

 

 

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