poems for "When" + "Thoughts"

 

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Introduction

"When."

 

 

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I. When You Naively Said 'Yes' But Couldn't Scream 'No' Impaired

Command is lost the moment you said yes

But you did not really mean yes

You were told since the day you stepped your baby toe into this universe that your answer must be a 'yes' by now; killjoy exceptions:

And nobody will listen to the silent screams that are drowned and not heard

It was consensual

It was a mistake

It was your fault

And yet, you, in the worst way, will feel like an animal being tortured into submission

As your body freezes and you wait for redemption

Your mind blocks the sound of your own innocence being drained before you even knew you were still innocent

Consumed by the media's drive and the stigma to get rid of what separates you from a girl and a woman

And the twenty minutes of action paralyzes you

But you cannot speak of this in such a driven world where your friends talk about how lucky you are to lose the very thing you cherished

But did not know you cherished until it was lost

And you cannot breathe a word of the torturous monster that consumes every cry for help that leaves your throat

Because no one understands that

You were not ready

You were not ready

You will never be ready

But you were convinced that by now you needed to be ready

So intoxicated on fear and wine that you were petrified and could not form the words "No"

While your mind ravaged and shrieked in terror as you were held limp and lifeless waiting for it to be over

The one incident shaped the rest of the way you envision your future

And you cannot cry out for help of the nightmares that consume your mind

Because it was your fault

Because you said 'yes' before you were ready

And when you realized you weren't your soul had already been damaged

Your flesh had ripped in two and the drink that was swelling in your body and drawn to every corner of your body immobilized

And it was too late to say 'no'. 

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II. When Your Lover Questions Why You Stopped Calorie-Counting

When lover questions you why you stopped calorie counting while looking into the roundness of your face pushing back into the dough of your neck

You pause, the sustenance-- the la faim oubliée freezes midair as your neck turns to look into her eyes, into the past

Your mind is hurtled back into the time when standing on a scale meant nervous flutters down to the exhausted stomach that worked day and night to shut everyone out that only wanted to help it

To the time when you floated around rooms, lighter than Anemoi himself,

Sharp/thin/cutting/bone/metal slithering, winding, tightly around your thin frame, waiting for the right moment to tighten and execute

To the time when the burn of hard liquor and acridness was all too familiar

From the first moment when you read the words "118"

To the last moment when you stepped off the scale that creaked and moaned under your weight every time you stepped onto it even though the numbers "98" flickered onto its LED screen,

burning out quickly as it suspected you might if

you did

not collect yourself

And you pause.

Look slowly down at the greasy sneer dripping in your hands

And you wonder when the last time you stepped on your scale was

And you wondered how a flesh eating//stomach exiling disease could slowly turn into

A glutinous monster consuming for pleasure, mocking the disease, screaming, laughing into its face as it forced its terrors deeper down the tortured caves

of this

glorious

thin

disease

 

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III. When Getting Rejected Seemed Better Than Getting Slapped In The Face

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IV. When The Man Walked Up To Me At Starbucks With An Innocent Smile

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V. When An Anxiety Attack Is Imminent But You Can't Seem To Let Go

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VI. When She Hits You

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VII. When The Woman of My Dreams

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VIII. When "Scoffing" is a Correct Reaction at Feminism

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Introduction II.

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A. The Doe Mistress And the Hunter

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B. The Fenghuang's Caged Song

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C. Skin Weaver

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D. Standing Bare

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E. Chilling Snowfall

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F. Teach Me the Word "No"

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G. I Remember

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H. Regrettable Congratulations

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I. Screams Gone Unheard

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J. Chess Board

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L. The Zero in Gym Class

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M. Comprehension of a Lord

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~

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