The warped cries echoed all the way down through the hallways from the rumpus room to the library.

Gab-bee, Gab-bee, Gab-bee…

Will seemed to pick up on the name sooner than his Gab did.

He was blessed with keen hearing and could make out the syllables over the din of the gothic tinged electro-techno music that enveloped not only the usually clichéd hub of studious quiet application, but the entire building.

This occasion, however, called for a perverted take on accepted precepts, if not design principles or licensing leeway.

Such as it was that Will felt he could interrupt their leafing through the book of lithographs and alert Gabby to what she had obviously been too distracted to notice.

Er, I think Sonya is calling you. In fact, it sounds like she’s demanding your presence.

Gabby shook back her dark hair and cocked an ear.

I’m not that submissive, am I? she joked

Will closed the book and replaced it on the coffee table in their nook.

Well, I thought I was the one who complied with your wishes.

She threw her head back and laughed unselfconsciously at Will’s reflection on how things had developed.

I’d say we both relented and gave in to Sonya’s wishes.

She is a dominant character, observed Will, who had only just met her.

Well, I’ve known her for nearly 20 years and I can say with affection she’s a drama queen. She loves the attention.

Do you think she’s alright?

Don’t worry, she can take care of herself. I’d say she’s just had one too many of those black Sambucas. God they were strong. Glad we stopped when we did.

You and me both. I’ll stay on my beer I think. How’s your wine?

Fine. I can’t complain with a red in my hand. Anyway, it’s meant to be a safe environment, with like-minded people looking out for each other, or so I gathered from the induction we went through.

More like an interrogation. I don’t think I’ve ever had to endure such a procedure before.

In the time it took to acknowledge this with a combined roll of the eyes, poke of a tongue, shake of a head and over-the-top mock whistle, Gabby and Will were confronted by an unexpected and totally over-the-top site.

Standing right in front of them was a well-built and buffed man, near naked but for a posing pouch and low-rider socks of the sort you might wear if you sported a pair of runners or ladies slip on flats. Not quite ballet shoes, but still…

Will was immediately transported back to the time when he had inadvertently interrupted preparations for a body building display.He had been working part-time during his 20s as a function attendant for the city council and had walked into the supply room to check on something, only to have his senses assaulted by the site of a man of indeterminate age going through the poses of his routine before a full length mirror, and accompanied by the theme to Battlestar Galactica.

Unforgettable.

Scarring.

This was a similar experience and reaction. Just as he had politely bowed out of the warm-up routine and excused himself to collect a walkie-talkie recharger, Will declined the offer to lube up the well-built and buffed poseur who lacked any traces of body hair. His scalp was shorn and his cranium was like a walnut.

He presented the flask of oil to both Will and Gabby.

She smiled and directed the attention to Will.

After the initial double-take, all Will could muster beyond a wide-eyed blink of disbelief was to courteously compliment this leathery brown and brawny specimen of too much time spent in the solarium, and decline the opportunity.

It doesn’t look as though you need any help from me.

The forthcoming reply was not what he anticipated.

Believe me, I can use all the help I can get.

Thanks anyway.

I could always lube you.

Gabby didn’t know where to look and became transfixed by the muscle man’s feet.

That might take a bit of doing, I’m afraid. I’d need to get an all-over body wax first and the last time I let anyone come anywhere near me with a depilatory preparation I felt like I was being readied for an autopsy.

Whatever turns you on, I suppose. Have a fun night you two.

And then he casually wandered off into other dimly lit areas to offer his services.

Will watched the taught buttocks separated by the thong as they retreated into the shadows.

Gabby followed his gaze and rocked back in delight at how he’d handled the scene.

She placed a reassuring hand on his knee.

You’ll have to tell me all about this trip of yours to the morgue.

Will shook his head and gave his eyes a rub before he replied.

Oh, don’t worry. It’s still early.

They had all but forgotten about Sonya in the interim.

And then it resumed.

Gab-bee, Gab-bee, Gab-bee…

*******

What had started as an unpresupposing night out cum official second date was beginning to morph.

Will and Gabby had met through work and she had initially asked him to see a film as a make-up date.

Nothing untoward with that, in spite of the fact that it should have been the second date, after he’d piked on the first one out of nerves and a hangover. He’d called in sick and only just managed to salvage the situation on the Monday after.

Now that was a close shave.

This time round, they had gone out for dinner at a nearby café to meet her friends and then on to this place Sonya had recommended as a once in a lifetime experience.

Just how many times had she been there?

Enough not to get lost, surely.

Admittedly, this place was a rabbit warren of corridors and rooms, some of which were interconnected to create a sense of adjoining alternative acquaintance.

It was a real happening, multi-dimensional smorgasbord of unusual delights full of potential for close encounters of a fourth kind – provided patrons were consenting and had signed the acknowledgement of rights and rules form upon paying the cover charge.

The library setting was conventional on the surface, consisting of leather armchairs, coffee table, Art Nouveau reading lamps and mahogany bookcases that formed the corner space and provided an air of erudition in an otherwise functional domain.

It was only upon closer inspection of the books’ spines that a prospective reader became aware of the specialist nature of the collection.

Erotic only came close to describing the contents of most of the volumes on the shelves. Strictly speaking it was pornography catering to a variety of fetishes and kinks. Joe Orton would have found no need to deface any of the titles in an attempt to shock conservative tastes here.

The lithographs Will had been perusing were tame in comparison to some of the other subject matter. Necrophilia, coprophilia, sadomasochism, you name it, it was on the shelf.

The Marquis de Sade would have felt right at home. He could even tinkle away on the ivories of the baby grand piano off to the side.

For those less inclined to the literary pursuits, there was a room fitted out and decorated like any bedroom you’d expect to find in a suburban, middle-class house.

Apart from the large, four poster bed heaped high with quilts and pillows and overly large stuffed toys, there were also robes and slippers available for use in the tall imposing wardrobe that seemed to be holding up one wall. Ornately decorated ‘guest’ cards were placed around the room directing patrons to please avail themselves of the amenities. One was found hanging on the large wardrobe key with an arrow pointing up from the directions to please ‘view me’.

This was a reference to the two porthole style viewing windows which had been neatly devised to fit in to each door panel at head height.

Like something out of Alice in Wonderland, once looked through, the viewer was transported through to a lopsided space that appeared impossibly much larger on the inside. Much like Dr Who’s TARDIS.

The ingenious result of using a fisheye lens device projected through the Perspex material meant that the image on the other side gave the distorted impression of being all at sea. Purely conjecture. The means of achieving the effect, that is. What was not beyond doubt or physics were the contents of the wardrobe. Once opened, it revealed neatly arranged slippers below and the robes suspended from quilted coat hangers above a quite unusual depiction.

In the unusually large interior of the cupboard was arranged a card table and two fold out chairs. Sitting at the table were two mannequins whose limbs had been arranged to force them into odd irregular positions. They were both dressed as sailors in vintage costumes reminiscent of a Carry-On movie, caps set at jaunty angles.

On the card table was a set of Tarot cards and an ashtray full of peanut shells.

Hinted at further beyond this setting was depicted the flickering image on loop of a borealis. The robes only needed to be parted for a full revelation.

Just what the juxtaposition of all this was supposed to mean was anyone’s guess.

All that’s missing is a halibut, was Will’s wry appraisal.

I agree, all very fishy, replied Gabby as she stood back to admire herself in the baroque full-length mirror.

I’m surprised there’s not complementary foot binding to go with your choice of kimono.

Just don’t call me a dragon lady…

Wouldn’t dream of it, Gabby, believe me.

But how could you really know, so early on in the game, William.

For a moment the formal use of his name jarred him, before he regained his composure.

Well, for starters you are from New Zealand and enjoy engaging in daggy dancing from what I’ve been privy to.

Have you been watching me, William?

Will closed the wardrobe after returning the kimono he’d had oh so seductively tossed over his head.

Thanks for that. Now I really do feel like an old fashioned photographer under his hood.

Or maybe a falcon, if I’m your kinda prey, teased Gabby in a dreadful imitation of Mae West.

Will came over to mock ogle at Gabby as she sat on the edge of the bad.

In his best Cary Grant accent, he did his worst to proposition his new flame.

Well, my dear, let’s hope we’re not forced to elope upon an antelope.

Gabby fell back suddenly on the bed and immediately bounced back up hitting Will with her head in his solar plexus.

He reeled back and stumbled into the folding dressing screen-cum-room divider, partially knocking it over in the process.

Oh, my god, are you alright?

Gabby sprang up fully and was at Will’s side in a flash.

Will was sprawled up against the wall with a foot somehow ensnared in the screen.

Nice move. You could have been a wrestler with a head and rebound combo like that.

Gabby helped untangle Will’s foot and reposition the screen.

Not before they saw what was behind the ornamental divide.

It was a colonial looking thunder box.

A porta-loo, cried Gabby in amazement.

More like a commode, observed Will.

Oh, and you’re an expert in the area are you?

Perhaps…

Next to the hideous looking contraption (which really did look like it could be used as a mode of transport reliant on human waste) was what looked like a surgical stand of several compartments each featuring its own bedpan.

They both fell silent and exchanged quizzical glances.

Will broke first in his best deadpan.

So, where’s the toilet paper then?

Don’t even think about it.

Gabby pulled Will away and restored the screen to its proper place, concealing the incongruously makeshift nightsoil-receptacle corner.

Is that where you go when you’ve been bad?

I don’t want to know, really…

And you call yourself an archivist, a curator even.

Gabby only shook her head at this affectionate jibe.

I promise no poo jokes. That’s for our future together, he could not help provoking.

Hah! Don’t get ahead of yourself my gallant young Librarian. Still early days yet, don’t forget.

Will had taken her hand and pulled her over to the large burgundy leather couch studded down its wide armrests and base.

We haven’t really been alone tonight, he remarked almost ruefully.

Don’t suppose there’s a ‘do not disturb’ sign we could hang out?

They both looked back over at the closed door.

Sure enough there was a hotel standard door sign hanging on the knob.

They fell into each other in a fit of hilarity.

I don’t even remember closing the door, Gabby finally got out after recovering from their shared reaction to this motif.

Will repositioned himself and pecked her flirtatiously on the cheek.

Maybe it was me all along.

Gabby returned his kiss looking for reassurance.

Was it your attention to lure me here?

Will paused before answering.

I don’t want to creep you out, but I had no idea about this place before Sonya dragged us here tonight.

Gabby paused herself and listened.

I don’t hear her any more, do you?

Not over my heavy breathing.

Gabby playfully reproached Will with a shove on the shoulder.

Almost as if on cue, this gesture seemed to be the signal for the door to the chiffonier opposite to spring open.

Gabby pawed for will’s hand.

He sought to alleviate the tension with a wisecrack.

Well, I’ve heard of when push comes to shove, but this is ridiculous…

Gabby squeezed a little harder.

Ha-ha! Don’t worry. It’s a good creep show effect, I’ll give them that much. Someone obviously wants us to be a little more inquisitive.

Be my guest…

No sign of surveillance cameras…

And please don’t say anything about candid camera.

Will disengaged himself from Gabby’s clasp and moved over to the chiffonier.

It was one of those big old fashioned units that had been modified to function as the focus of pre-flat screen home entertainment. Atop sat a boxy TV set, circa late 1990s, early noughties. Beside it resided two speakers.

Will gingerly opened the lower cabinet door all the way. Inside was a video cassette and DVD player both hooked up to the TV and speakers above.

In between the lower cabinet and the upper sideboard shelf was a drawer.

Will looked back to Gabby as if for approval.

She smiled warily and nodded.

He slowly pulled the drawer all the way towards him.

Gabby now held her own hand in anticipation of what he would find.

Will stood with his back to her, arms outstretched to each side of the drawer.

He snickered, barely audibly.

Well, what is it?

Then came the guffaw.

You have to see this.

Gabby leapt from the couch to come to Will’s side.

They each took a turn riffling through the drawer, Will to the left, Gabby to the right.

Will rocked back on his heels with mystified mirth.

Gabby just looked puzzled.

Inside they had found a selection of videos.

Nice cache of the exotic, pronounced Will.

I recognise some of it.

I can identify it all.

All pretty trashy stuff.

Hey, come on. This is my childhood.

Will was referring to the Best of Benny Hill and the Kenny Everett Video Show.

Saucy. Gabby couldn’t help herself.

What the…

Will held up a copy of the animated movie the Chicken Run.

Gabby was struck wide-eyed.

I suppose it takes all sorts.

Birds of a feather flock together, right?

They fell into each other’s arms almost in tears.

We should really see if Sonya’s OK.

Good thinking Sherlock.

Any excuse will do…

*******

Out of the boudoir and in to the unknown.

But not before another tipple at the bar adjacent to the library.

The night was indeed still young.

The establishment was much more crowded than before, with bar space at a minimum.

Will went to fetch a couple of drinks while Gabby needed the loo – actually designated for patron's use.

Reunited in the library space, they tried calling Sonya on her mobile.

No luck, straight to voicemail.

What is she playing at, Gabby thought aloud.

She’s not a hostess here by any chance?

Look, she’s a bit ‘out there’, but she’s no fool. Cannot stand misogynistic pricks out to perpetuate the patriarchy.

Will shot a long sideways glance at Gabby.

What? Well, I mean the sex industry is not her scene, and besides, this place is different.

Oh, really?

She’s just sending it all up in her best modern feminist caricature of herself.

From what I can see, she doesn’t need to wear a bra and you haven’t exactly burned yours. What was all that jargon?

Gabby smiled, licked her lips and leered back at Will in wonder.

Theory, my dear, theory. You may not know this about me, but I was once a member of the Socialist Alternative. I manned the barricades at the S11 demos.

Right on the money, honey. I remember that week. I was working just up the road at Southbank.

What! You didn’t it take to the streets?

Easy. I’m not hard-core. I had to work to pay the vet bills for my cat.

Relax. I’m kidding.

Just as well or I might have to turn you in, or over my knee if you prefer.

Oh, my god, this place is having its way with you.

You wish.

I’m a good girl.

Yeah, I can tell.

And then it started up again.

Just below the thrum of music.

Gab-bee, Gab-bee…

There she blows! She didn’t meet anyone else here, did she?

Not as far as I know.

Pindar left straight after the café, didn’t he?

Yep.

Well, it sounds like she’s lost wandering in a maze. Or maybe a chicken run…

Will you come with me to find her?

As if I’d let you go exploring alone.

Chivalrous or selfish I wonder?

I don’t want to miss anything, either.

Spoken like a true cataloguer of life’s experience.

Someone has to do it.

Is it true what I’ve heard about Mr Dewey?

Hah! Nice. Come on, back into the fray…

*******

The corridors had become increasingly crowded.

Will had to jostle his way round a tight-knit group dressed in leather all peering in through an open door.

He could make out nothing and continued on to the gents.

He hooked up again with Gabby back at the library.

So, what happened to you? I rang you twice.

Yeah, sorry I missed the calls.

So, who was giving directions this time?

My fault, I should never let go of your hand. I think I went right when you took a left. This place is like a mansion in the dark. You could go right past the same door and not recognise it.

Or person. Unless, they’re dressed like a unicorn on heat.

You know, I think I’m beginning to like you more and more with each tiny event tonight.

How do you know this wasn’t my evil plan?

Maybe I dress up like a unicorn on heat.

Which end?

Hah-hah! I walked straight into that one.

Now, remember, hold my hand…

They headed for one of the rumpus rooms that had not been available earlier.

On the way up to the third level, they encountered someone who seemed to be overseeing orderly conduct and security. Not exactly a bouncer, more like a stern, queer athletics coach, complete with singlet emblazoned with the tag ‘COACH’, running shorts, long socks, Adidas striped shoes and whistle hanging from around his neck.

Good evening guys, enjoying yourselves?

It’s a revelation, confirmed Will.

Try not to get too carried away. Remember to pace yourselves. Say, you arrived much earlier didn’t you, just after we opened the bar.

Not exactly fashionably late, if that’s what you mean.

Come as you are, I say. Where’s your friend?

We were about to ask you the same thing.

She’s not exactly a regular, but she seemed right home the moment she walked through the door. I was front of house when you arrived, before I slipped into my uniform.

Gabby tried to explain. She wandered off to explore and we haven’t seen here since.

We have heard her though, continued Will.

Oh, you mean the cat on a hot tin roof.

She was calling my name.

So, you must be Gab-bee?

He then launched in to a passable rendition of Sonya’s cat calls.

Gab-bee, Gab-bee, Gaby-by, baby…

And finished with a pirouette and a shrill little blow on his whistle.

Will gave an approving little gesture of applause.

Well, I did speak to her a little earlier. She was on the rooftop. Did you know we have a jacuzzi up there?

We plumb forgot. It might have been mentioned when we arrived.

All I can say is that she made a splash with the usual water babies.

Water babies?

Gabby was perplexed. She immediately thought of the Sea-Monkeys she had fantasised about as a kid. And the author, Reverend Charles Kingsley, in such close proximity.

It’s a home birthing club for trannies and role players.

Will was nonplussed by the associations.

Let’s just say she bridged that gap with ease. She’s a natural midwife.

Where is she now, asked Gabby.

Oh, we closed that section 30 minutes ago. I suggested she go and borrow a change of clothes from Reception, as she’d gone in wearing the onesie she swapped for her own outfit. She was so waterlogged, she needed wringing out.

Onesie, queried both Gabby and Will in unison.

She did look the part. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a fine Princess Mermaid.

I didn’t think she would know what a Princess Mermaid was, confessed Gabby.

I was a mermaid mascot at my school’s swimming carnival in Year 12, confided Will.

I bet you were, said Coach conspiratorially.

Can’t say the brothers were impressed.

Such party poopers. Live and let live, I say.

Gabby cut the discourse short.

OK, thanks Coach.

Please, call me Simon.

OK, thanks Simon. I think we’ll continue the search for our new-found Princess.

Good luck and have some fun…

With that, Coach Simon proceeded to launch into a series of star jumps, before turning on his heels and ascending to the next level.

And then it came…

Gab-bee, Gab-bee, Gab-bee…

It came from below.

Gaby and will descended to the next level.

What the hell do you think all that’s about?

Gabby shook her head.

I have absolutely no idea. I didn’t even know she was into mermaids.

They ran into another couple on the landing. He wore pince-nez, a fez, chaps and nothing else.

She sported a denim crop top, leather fingerless gloves, skin tight leopard print leggings and a pair of Doc Martins.

Gabby reeled in recognition.

Sonya?

The reply came in a slurred French accent.

Pardon?

Gabby took one look at the couple and sensed the exchange that had transpired.

Pince-nez pulled his companion close to his side and winked.

You seek your friend, no?

Will seemed more focussed on the fez than anything else. He winked in approval.

Gabby took the initiative.

I do, yes, I do. Have you seen her?

She of the appropriated leopard print merely thrust out her chin to point back to the next corridor behind the stairs and grinned knowingly back to her man.

He appeared to cower momentarily before he too thrust out his chin in the same direction and doffed his fez to reveal a half-eaten cupcake poised upon the crown of his shaven head.

And with that, they took their leave as if it had been an expected ‘pardon me’ moment at the fancy pants wedding party of an ex.

Gabby and Will didn’t stand on pleasantries and headed in the opposite direction.

And then it grew louder.

Gab-bee, Gab-bee, Gab-bee…

They were getting close.

A whistle blew in the distance from on high.

Sonya’s cries were soon nearly entirely replaced with laughter as the couple hesitantly approached the end of a long corridor.

At the end was a closed door, beneath which could be seen a sliver of strobed lighting effects.

It was impossible to tell who was laughing or how many people were in the room.

Attached to the doorknob was another hotel style sign that read ‘Enter at your Pleasure.’

And then all fell silent, except for a straining of timber, as if joints were under pressure.

It was an apparent invitation too hard to ignore.

Gabby looked at Will through the dim light and motioned with her head for him to open the door.

He winced, drew a breath and crossed himself in make-believe benediction.

With his right hand holding the doorknob, his left reaching back to hold Gabby’s clasped palms, Will slowly turned the knob and pulled the door open.

Light filled the corridor as the room’s interior spewed forth.

The couple remained motionless on the threshold as they took it all in and attempted to process what lay before them.

Sonya immediately admonished them.

What the bloody hell kept ya?

Gabby could only partially open her mouth in stunned reply.

Will resisted the urge to lose it and laugh.

The room was all but empty.

Its floors were covered in what looked like drop sheets or plastic from a crime scene investigation.

No trace of paint or blood, though.

Only the remnants from a chook plucking marathon, empty tubes of Vaseline and bunches of lavender.

Surrounding the perimeter were wall-mounted candelabras which gave forth a diffused electric light.

Mounted high in one corner was a strobe lighting unit that flashed an intermittent display of rave inducing kaleidoscopia.

Occupying the centre of the room was an apparatus suspended from a reinforced beam obviously incorporated into the room’s design for this special purpose.

It was a harness swing of leather straps and a cradle that strained to support the proportions of the same well-built and buffed man they had encountered earlier in the night.

Only now he was not so smooth and unruffled. It was hard to see if he was still wearing the posing pouch for all the feathers he was covered in.

Pushed back on his head was a harlequin mask.

The music had faded from the main inhouse speaker system and this began to tickle his fancy.

He began to make bird sounds which seemed to amuse him greatly, and laughed between each squawk in imitation of a kookaburra.

Will resisted the urge to join in.

Gabby turned her focus on Sonya, who was now dressed in a carnival costume that consisted of flamboyant velvet robes and a hood, akin to some religious order.

She had pushed back her own mask which was a huge bird beak that was now raised in salute to their entrance.

She grinned provocatively at the couple and continued to push her avian avatar in his swing.

Gabby broke the spell.

I hope you’re having a good time. You could have texted me to let me know where you were.

Sonya shot her a quick look and assumed an insistent tone.

The mobile phone is a plague upon our union as higher beings. My role is to cleanse the space between us and restore contact.

Will leant in close to whisper to Gabby.

What the hell is she on?

Gabby just shook her head.

The former poseur-cum-feathered friend let rip with another kookaburra imitation.

Gabby tried to make sense of it all.

So long as you’re OK, Sonya. We’ll have to go soon. We’ll wait for you if you like.

I must finish the ceremony first, my lovelies.

Sonya proceeded to replace the bird beak mask over her face and pulled the hood up over her head.

OK sweetie. Whatever you say. We’ll wait for you in the library.

You’ll have to find your own incantations. This one is mine…

She launched in to a baritone growl and sang:

Swing low, sweet chariot Coming for to carry me home Swing low, sweet chariot Coming for to carry me home…

Gabby and Will backed out of the play pen and closed the door.

Back in the library with a drink, the pair could only marvel at their friend’s behaviour.

She’s just met a new guy, you know. He’s on a working visa and had to go interstate to get work. I can only guess this is her way of coping, Gabby explained.

And that’s why she brought us here? As chaperones?

She’d say to spread the love around.

Will scoffed with amusement.

He stood and went over to the bookcase and selected a book at random.

You’ll never guess.

Try me.

Will presented the large hardback for inspection.

Gabby burst out laughing and nearly spilled her wine.

Naturist Twitchers of the Commonwealth.

On the cover was a photograph of Bill Oddie of The Goodies fame, wearing nothing but an anorak and a pair of binoculars.

Will couldn’t help himself.

Watch the little birdie.

Gabby seemed to know she had found a mate to match.

Let’s get Sonya in a taxi and we can go back to my place.

Will sat down and snuggled into her shoulder, doing a passable impersonation of Frank Spencer.

Oh, Betty, I thought you’d never ask.

Gabby nuzzled back and paused for effect before asking the clincher.

Have you ever seen The Idiots?

By Michael Haward.