But I Don't Want To Hate You.


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And here we are. In the pouring rain face to face wondering where we went wrong in our relationship. We're near a park in the street where its oddly abandoned. It's not only until I realized no one was out because of the bad storm. But we were. We were willing to fight for something then to let it wash away. He still has on his plaid shirt from earlier that he argued with me in. But it's only now that I wanted that shirt to be embraced with my skin. To hold me. To be layed out wrinkled somewhere in our bedroom instead of being drenched in this agonizing rain. His eyes looked heavier and looked darker than they usually do. He let the water from the rain slide into the crease of his eyes and drop onto his lip to fall to the ground helplessly. I felt colder than I've ever have with him. Alone. I felt naked to him as if he were undressing me mentally. He knew that I wanted more with us and that I didn't want it to end. But dammit how I wanted to so bad. My clenched fists turned into resting palms that wanted to wipe the water from his eyes so bad so I could see them clearer. They wanted to undress him and make love until we can't anymore and wonder why we were even angry in the first place. They wanted to put things back together and forget why the hell they even fell apart in the first place. He broke up this thought when he said to me "you don't want to leave me do you...you wanna put all of your stuff back in that bedroom closet don't you...don't you..." when I didn't answer he hastled to the car and roughly opened up the back door to throw all of my things out one by one..with each article of clothing he threw..with each perfume bottle he tossed..he kept his eyes on me. Before I knew it everything was spewed in the street...my black panties that he said were his favorite were being dragged into the sewer due to the rain that only began to get worse. My makeup pallets that he bought for me on my 23rd birthday was splattered on his windshield...pinks and blues and browns bleeding down the window. It was our love being destroyed by the weather without a care in the world. He looked around at everything of mine and finally landed his eyes on me. "Then go" he said. Those words felt like loose paper to me. Or perhaps a flying paper in the air that you're trying to catch. Whether I wanted to go or not were the least of my worries right now. I was concerned about knowing if our love was real or not. Seeing how much ruthlessness he had to toss the things that belonged to me just made me think. it wasnt until then that all at once everything sunk in. I realized that THAT shirt was mine being battered. MY bra that was being stained by the stubborn mud. Eveything that was mine. Slowly being scorned. As if my heart wasn't destroyed enough I would refuse to let my physical things be gnawed by him too. I finally got the strength to push past him and quickly grab the panties that were inches away from plunging in the sewer. I grabbed a couple shirts that were near by not caring how soaking wet they were and no matter how dirty they looked..the make up pallet I slowly picked up while the softened powder plopped onto the car...there was no point in trying to keep that. So I tossed the empty black container carelessly into the street. "What the fuck are you doing...it's over with ...you aren't coming back you want to leave then go you don't need this shit anymore!" He tried to grab the clothes out of my hand while i did everything I could to keep them away from him. "Get off of me!" The hurt in my voice didn't cause him to budge not one bit   . At this point I'm weakened by our fighting it's been since 10 this morning. That morning after we had sex I sat up covering myself and watched him as he got up to change the tv channel. "I hate when judge Judy comes on in the morning...she's aggravating as hell". I smiled at his remark as he began to walk over to me and take the blanket down from covering my body. He was about to begin round two of our intimacy but it became interrupted by a ping sound from his phone. I couldn't help but look behind him on his small dresser to see the name "Malia". As he was kissing my neck I was pulling away trying to get him to pay attention to the name on his phone. "So you're gonna act like you didn't hear that" his head dropped out of frustration and he grabbed his phone only to turn it off and attempt to continue his attention to me. I stopped his hands and just looked at him. I didn't take my eyes off of him. From then on everything else was a blur. I had a headache now and I was exahausted from my crying. "I can't do this...I can't ..I don't want to be with someone who makes me think of what I do wrong when it's not me doing the wrong" my voice is trembeling waiting for an answer from him. As I waited I noticed the rain stopped and everything was still. No sound. No noise. Just me. Him. And the heavy humidity. With no regret he came closer to my face and told me to do what I want. As if he isn't the cause to the chaos. I watched him walk to the front seat of the car..slammed it and drove back in the direction to our house leaving me. My heartbreak. And our love to go stale. My mind ran a million mikes a minute but it only seemed to land on the mere fact that I once told this man that I loved him when the same wasn't given in return.
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