“Life” in word web dictionary has fourteen meanings. I read all of it but, it leaves my mind running on thousand miles because it feels like my life is not defined in any way. You may compare me to ghost, running till the ends of the earth, finding something and always searching yet not knowing what really it is. A ghost who suddenly came to life but doesn’t really know what is living. A ghost who racks her brain everyday finding a purpose in life before the clock says tic tack and her time on earth stops. A ghost who has a pretty face but that was all she has.

Now, I’m packing my things ready to leave the town I’ve stayed since I was 11 years old. It’s not moving away really, it’s like going back. Going back to a place which has all the reasons I stayed away in the first place. I drove my blue convertible car which my grandparents give me on my sixteenth birthday; I look at the rearview mirror, getting one last glance of the house I spent with for the last six years. Am I excited? No. Do I feel giddy? Heck No. Am I nervous? Nah. What I actually feel? Nothing.

Would this moving back help me to finally get the concept of living? Would this help me to start feeling? Well, I will only know once I get there.

She made a stop to this diner to get some food; she got hungry and tired from a ten hour drive. She opens the door and look for a vacant table and luckily she found one near the window.

She sat down while waiting for a waitress to get her order. She hopes they have smoothies or some fruit shake because she's definitely craving for it.

“What would you like?” She glances up and saw it’s no waitress. His eyes are brown like chocolates and he have blonde sandy hair. She felt like she was suddenly converted into some place where the sun is shining very bright, surrounded by sunflowers and posies and happy music was floating in the air.

“Ugghm…” he clears his throat making her snap out her thoughts. She did not feel embarrassed for staring at him, so she just give him an awkward smile and he unconsciously return it before asking for her order

After 15 minutes he finally comes back with her strawberry smoothie and a burger steak. He places it in front of her along with her water and utensils.

“Thank you, Fred?” she read his name tag questionable

“No, its Liam” he corrected looking amuse at her expression and she can't help but to raise her eyebrow at him

“I just borrow this uniform so it’s not mine, its Fred… you know what I mean” he said and she almost laugh at his bubbling

“It’s okay Liam… thanks” she wave him off

“Okay, well... I'll go back in there. I mean I leave you to enjoy your food” he stuttered and disappears to the kitchen leaving her an amuse expression

After eating her food, she quickly paid the bill before anyone notice that it's her and she's back in town. She starts driving again brushing off the thoughts about the people who happened to know the reason she leave or more likely forced to it. It will only take another thirty minutes before she arrive at her destination.

She finally saw the familiar oak tree that's surprisingly still the same as to what she remembered, only stronger and older. Her breath hitches when she saw the dirty white pathway that leads to their house. She turns off her car when she finally takes a glance at the big white house. It looks a like a normal American house, it’s exactly the same to the time when she left. Anna must have done a good job to maintain the exterior look of it. But... deep down she know it’s not the same house she grew up into, it will never be.

Her gaze suddenly landed on two swings, beside it. It has age, it become rusty that if she sat down it will not be able to hold her. It looks rigid and so alone having no one to play with it. If only...

She snaps her eyes shut and her grip on the steering wheel tightens. She let out a heavy sigh and unbuckles her sit belt and get out of her car.

The scent of roses struck her senses. She slowly walks towards the house and suddenly she stops. She began to tremble with fear and become nauseous. The house, their house... It's like it’s looking at her eyes, mocking her to come close and to step inside. It suddenly looks haunted and an evil aura is engulfing it. She laughs without humor. She walks faster with a glint in her eyes, finally taking steps towards the stairs and then facing the door. Even the sign home sweet home taunts her. She reaches the doorknob with shaking hands. A familiar cold creep into her skin when she finally touches it.

Stop!

She tighten the grip in it

You bitch!

She slowly turns it around, her breath hitches and her whole body trembles

Stop it! Stop it!

So slowly, she finally hear the click of unlocking from the inside

You're nothing! You wench!

She grip it tightly ready to push it open, but then she notice two droplets of water fall in the ground. She looks up to see where those came from but then nothing. She finally push it open but then stop, when an unfamiliar sound distraught the silence of the place. She looks around to find it but the sound increase, it’s like a sob trying to escape but at the same time hoping it will not. Finally, she felt something embrace her in a tight hug.

"It's okay, sweetie... It's alright" the lady in her late twenty's saw a car park around the corner and small smile tugs on her lips. She immediately went to the house with groceries in hand and she finally saw her standing there, wearing an ankle length black boots, a wash denim shorts and a leather jacket. Her hair is pin up in an awkward way that some of her hair are falling. She's grown up now, she thought. She walks slowly planning on surprising her.

She's her, she's really back. She chants as she tiptoed towards her, careful not to emit some noise but she failed when she stumbled on a rock. She looks up with a busted face but got confused when she still had her back to her not moving. Then she saw her body shook with tremble, her left hand clench and unclench, her head tilted back and forth, up and down like it’s looking for something. Then she heard it.

She closes the distance between them when she heard the cries intensify. She hugs her tightly, whispering sweet nothings to her. God, why does it have to be her? Her heart aches even more when she turn around and clutches her close.

"Ssssh..." She said while she rubs her back in a soothing motion

She looks up and her heart breaks looking at her tear-stained face. Her eyeliner smudge, her nose red, her cheeks flush. Despite having a series of ear piercings, that makes her look like a punk girl, now she's just a child. She was such a mess but it’s the look in her eyes that urge her to hug her again.

"Anna?" She ask confuse as to why Anna's swaying her back and forth like child whose looking for comfort

"What...?" Then she cups her face and notices its wet. Oh hell no!

"I cried..." She whispered disbelievingly to herself. She can't remember the last time she cried and her lips suddenly a tug upward which leaves Anna confuse but shrug it off.

"Come on" Anna hold her by the elbow and open the door that she try so hard to open earlier but failed. She watches Anna push it open and the door jerks slightly, making her caught a glimpse of darkness from the inside and before Anna can fully open it she exclaimed

"Don't!"

"I can't Anna, I can't" she hardly whispers. Anna immediately closes the door, when she look at her eyes with so much fear and anxiety, she have no strength whatsoever to come in. She nodded and drags her out from the front door.

Anna knows where to take her. Behind the house there is a cabin. It was built by her grandfather for them. It was where the happy memories where created, even if it’s only few.

She was grateful to Anna for understanding her, and not asking her about things she can't even answer. She stared in awe as she walks inside the colored mahogany cabin. She gently touches the things inside of it, the bamboo sits, the picture frames over the wooden drawer, the white and black pillows in the sofa, the albums underneath the square table and the flowered curtains, everything is the same.

"I didn't touch anything, knowing you'll it" Anna said looking at her with a small smile in her face. She glad she didn't touch any of it, not that she plans on ever touching it. She knows how precious this place to her

"Thank you" she sigh, a good and grateful one

"Welcome, now... You rest and I'll run back to my house to prepare some dinner, I would like you to meet with Kyle" Of course, unlike six years ago Anna is just a normal college girl who babysit her for extra income but now she has a fiancé and planning for a family. A family.

Anna notice a sad and disappointed look in her face so she took a step forward and hug her, like saying I'm here.

"I'm glad that you're back... I miss you so much" When the child officers took her away and give her to some old couples, she felt she lost her little sister. Now that she's her, she just felt so happy and relieved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She woke up, two hours which surprise her because most of the time she never sleeps. She let out sigh and pushes her legs out of the bed so she's in sitting position. She furrowed her eyebrows when she look up and find a bunch of white birds hanging under the light bulb, slowly swaying back and forth. She look at it intently, like she's figuring something out and it her. She's back. She's her, inside the cabin, the only place she wants to remember.

"Oh good, you're awake. Why don't change your clothes and come to over to my house, ‘kay?" Anna said while slowly walking forward to her and sits beside her

"You rest well?" She ask her softly

"Hmm..." Is her only response. She's still busy looking around the room, familiarizing and remembering. She snaps out of it when she felt Anna's warm hand clutching hers

"I made your favorite. I mean I know it’s been a long time and maybe it’s not your favorite anym-"

"I'm eating whatever you have" she cut her off immediately, giving her a small smile. Anna's shock when she saw her smile. It's not her real smile; her smile is one of those that were practice for actresses to please the media people. Anna knows it because she's a media journalist in New York.

"Okay, I'll just leave you to change and maybe you can take a bath, you reek" Anna scrunch her nose playfully while standing up and walking out from her room

She let out a heavy sigh, before standing up and going to the bathroom.

After taking a bath and changing into her clothes, she sits in front the mirror and grab some eyeliner. She put it thickly under her eyes and some mascara in her lashes. She then grabs a red lipstick and smudge it in her lips. Lastly, she put her hair in a messy bun.

"Oh wow" Anna can't believe she's the same girl she babysit for the past a half a decade. She looks very different with her heavy make-up, her rocker clothes, her piercings and her eyes almost bulge when she caught a glimpse of her tattoo

"Is that a tattoo?" She ask her pointing in her collar bone

"Yes, wanna see? I have two more, here look at..." She trail off when she saw Anna's face mixed with disappointment and confusion

"Why did you do that to your skin?" Anna ask her disbelievingly

She sighs before answering in a bored tone "It's my body Anna, I can do what I want with it" Anna's eyes wide open with shock. Who is this girl standing in front me? Where is the sweet girl I have known? She asks her these silent questions.

"Anna, I'll change if you want but only this time" she offered sensing her distaste to her clothes and piercings

"Bree... It's Ok-"

"Don't call me that!" She spat at her, making Anna shock even more

"It reminds me of..." She clutches her fist and shut her eyes

"What should I call you then?" Anna crosses her arms over her chest and raises an eyebrow at her. It's her nickname, she love it people she love call her that

"Inah" she said firmly. It's the name she started using when she move away.

"Okay, Inah. Let's go, Kyle and his brother is dying to meet you" Anna said her name in distaste. She admits it suits the new her but it feels like she's another person, not the Brianna she came to love like her own sister.

They stroll outside and walk across the street. Inah, can't help but look at every houses they past. Their neighborhood grew bigger. There are even few houses she doesn't even know, some looks own by riches and some just newly built.

The bright new neighborhood should change her perspective but, it's still the same, maybe even worse. They all look so big, built to be a home, for security and happiness of each family but all of this is thrown away. These houses don't look like a home, just a house.

They passed by a couple of blocks until she see some couple in their driveway. Anna wave at them and they smile and wave back, and then their smiles faltered when they saw her. What a typical expression.

Couple more blocks and finally they arrive in Anna's home. It's smaller than most the houses they passed by but it's also different. With the paint of Baby blue and light yellow, it looks warm and cozy.

Anna opens the door and tugs her arm to come in. Inah can't help but look around. Their living room is brightens by the sun from the outside. It has a regular beige sofa with pluffy white pillows adoring it. It also has a plasma TV, a circular glass table at the middle and some magazines underneath it.

She also notice some picture frames hanging in the wall. A picture of Anna with a sandy-blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes which she guess is Kyle, they are wrap up with each other’s arm while smiling. They are eyes shows so much love and care. She suddenly feels something punch in her gut like she wanted to puke her intestines out.

"Hey, you're here..." She turns her head towards the stairs and saw the man in the picture smiling at Anna. Anna immediately goes to him and tiptoed to kiss him lightly, beaming at him.

Then and there Inah wanted to bolt out of their sight. It's too much, she thought she can handle it but she definitely can't.

"This is Bre--I mean Inah, the one I'm talking about" Anna introduce her enthusiastically to his fiancé and Inah just give him a small wave when he saw the uncertainty in his eyes

"Hi Inah, I'm Kyle" he offered his hand and smile at her, although she knows it’s a force one

She shook it but she decided not to say anything. He opens his mouth to say something but think otherwise so he close it again.

Anna cut the awkwardness floating in the air by saying that they should proceed to the kitchen.

The table was full of of food, from macaroni salad, mash potato, white rice, beef steak and of course her favorite chicken adobo.

"Maybe we can all sit down in the bar counter first and have a little chit chat while waiting for his brother" Anna suggested and she was about to agree when they hear the front door open

"I'm here!"

Inah's eyes widen as she look at the boy for the second time of the day. The boy who also notices her, mirrored her expression, then a small smile tug on his lips.

"Fancy meeting you here" Liam said as she eyed the girl. Definitely pretty and bad ass.

"Hi" was all Inah said

"Uhm, have you two met?" Anna ask curiously

"Yeah, earlier when she stop at the diner" Liam said truthfully and added "Although, I did not get her name" he smirk at her

"Inah" she offer her hand at him and he gladly shook it

"Hi, Inah" he winks at her and Inah just raise her eyebrow at him. He's definitely a charmer but she's not buying any of it

Kyle cleared his throat and throws a warning glance at his brother before saying "let's eat"

They all eat while Anna keep on talking about Kyle and her and Inah just wish that she'll shut up soon enough, but looking at them it'll be impossible. So, she decided to zone herself out.

"...your favorite?"

"What?" Inah ask Anna again when she only caught the last part of what she was saying

Anna sigh and repeat herself "Your favorite, you’re not eating it" she pointed at the delicious chicken adobo

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm allergic to it" she said casually

"When?" Anna ask her in befuddled

"Don't know... A long time ago" she shrug and Anna's mouth hang open

"Okay" she just let out a heavy sigh and returns eating

The dinner ended rather awkwardly. The dinner is for her but she's not making any effort to be grateful for it. Instead she just slouches in her chair and keep playing on her food.

"I guess I'm gonna go" she said in nobody in particular

"Wait..." Anna said quickly and she sent a silent message to the boys to leave them alone for a moment and they complied

"Bree..." Anna started and she sent her a glare and huff in annoyance

"I'll call you what I want to call you" she said firmly and Inah just roll her eyes on her

"What happened to you in the past six years?" Anna asks in frustration. She can't begin to understand what made her this woman who's standing in front of her

Inah stayed silent. She knows that her attitude is new to Anna, but this is what she is now. Anna also didn't know what exactly happened that night because she's not around. She's in Seattle that day, watching a rocks band concert with her friends, instead of babysitting her.

"Shit happens" she shrug, she knows it's not Anna's fault but she can't help but think if only Anna was there...

"Why won't you tell me? You used to tell me everything" Now that's a lie. Anna only knows so little. When she was young, she's so tempted to tell Anna everything but she can't or else she will face his wrath.

"There's nothing to tell, really. I just decided to grow up" she shrug again turning her back to her. She hates seeing Anna disappointed in her but she just can't help it

"Of course you grow up! But turning up like a Punk girl..." She shut her mouth immediately as if realizing her mistake

"Sorry to disappoint you but this is what I am now" she said firmly and walk out of her

She passed by Kyle and Liam without even saying goodbye. She ran off in the dark, wanting to get away from them, from that home.

She knows, it’s a bad thing to go back in here, it messes her up again. She's fine in her foster parents’ home because they're old enough to give shit about her.

They just give her a food and a roof and she's grateful for it, but then now that they're not around anymore, she have to walk away and go back here, in this place she used to name as hellhole.