“Dude.”

     “Bro.”

     “Dude…”

     “Bro…”

     “Like…”

     “What?”

     “I don’t know how to say this, man.”

     “Oh, you talking about this?”

     “Yeah… What’s up with that?”

     “I don’t know. Got it a bit ago.”

     “Do you use it often?”

     “All the damn time, bro.”

     “Seriously?”

     “Seriously?”

     “Is, it, like… I don’t know, useful?”

     “When it needs to be, man.”

     “Dude.”

     “Bro.”

     “Righteous?”

     “You wanna hold it?”

     “Me?”

     “Yeah, you.”

     “No way, dude.”

     “Why not? It ain’t gonna bite ya.”

     “The hell it won’t!”

     “Bro.”

     “What?”

     “I’ve been using it for years.”

     “You serious?”

     “Dead serious.”

     “…was that pun intended?”

     “I’m not that clever.”

     “How good are you with it?”

     “Better than most, I think.”

     “Damn…”

     “You want it?”

     “No way, Jose.”

     “Why not?”

     “Dude.”

     “What?”

     “I’m not like you.”

     “You’re exactly like me.”

     “Not even close.”

     “You really think we’re that different?”

     “In every way.”

     “Come here.”

     “No.”

     “Come here.”

     “Dude, no. NO.”

     “Come on.”

     “I said no!”

     “Pussy.”

     “Dude, no offense, but fuck you, man.”

     “You mean that?”

     “Get that out of my face, man!”

     “Oh, what, this? Nah, bro, it’s fine.”

     “Okay, for real, back off, dude.”

     “Come here.”

     “My God, NO! I said NO!”

     “Come here.”

     “I’m out of here.”

     “The fuck you are.”

     “What are you doing?”

     “You know what I’m doing.”

     “Stop.”

     “You don’t mean that.”

     “Stop, dude, or else.”

     “Or else what, bro?”

     “…”

     “Look around you, bro. You see anyone?”

     “…no.”

     “You see anything else?”

     “…no…”

     “It’s just you and me, bro. And trust me:

     “You’re gonna take this one way or another.”

     “Fuck this. Fuck you. I’m out.”

     “No you aren’t.”

     “Yes I am.”

     “No – you – aren’t.”

     “Dude, I’m just not interested.”

     “I’m gonna make you interested. Noone can hear you.”

     “You’re scaring me, dude.”

     “Oh, I’m sorry.”

     “It’s okay, dude, just back off, will ya? You’re acting freaky.”

     “You think I’m acting freaky?”

     “Yeah…?”

     “Bro.”

     “What?”

     “You –

     “Ain’t-

     “Seen-

     “Nothin’-

     “Yet.”

     “…”

     “I’m just getting started. And remember what I said before?”

     “…what?”

     “NOONE CAN HEAR YOU.”

     “…fuck.”

     “So go ahead. Yell. Scream. Cry. Doesn’t matter. I’m done when I say I’m done. And you’re gonna sit tight and enjoy this. You ain’t the first, and you ain’t the last. So do yourself a favor, shut the fuck up, and TAKE IT.”

     “…”

     “…”

     “…”

     “…”

     “Dude.”

     “Bro.”

     “Noone’s ever given me an ice cream maker before. I… I don’t even know how to use it.”

     “It’s a cinch, bro. I’ll show you how to use it.”

     “What a nice thing, dude. And oh my God – this is a surprise party?”

     “Hell yeah it is!”

     “My God!”

     “Happy Birthday my man!”

     “You shouldn’t have!”

     “Bro, what are best friends for?” 

     “You really got me.”

     “We all did.”

     “Sorry man.”

     “For what?”

     “I just have a hard time accepting presents.”

     “I know you do. We all still care about you.”

     “I’m flattered.”

     “We all love you bro. Now let’s make some ice cream.”