I started writing short funny things as my Facebook Status's, so I wondered if I could make a small book out of them. 1 each will get their own chapter until I make more of them and who knows, maybe I can make a full book. Let's see how this will go down. You'll see as you read these, they go from love, to annoyance, to assholes, to happy, logic, critics, happy, humor, anger, and humor. I was writing during a really bad time and now being a Breast Cancer scare survivor, friends quarrel, and a separation from my husband . I now have the superpower to see past all bullshit life has to offer. LOL So I hope you enjoy my book as I slowly put it all together.
Word To The Wise : (On Unions)
"Teamers are a union...not a cult."
Word To The Wise: (On Stalking) "If Cigarettes on Long Island, cost $10 for a pack and $10 for a whole carton at the reservation. Then your damn straight I'm going to stalk my friend Jacob for tobacco seeds. If I can roll that shit for $5, I'd be happier then Jenner getting his dick flipped into a vagina."
Word To The Wise: (On Writers vs In-Laws) "100 to 1 shot says George Lucas's In-Law, was the inspiration behind Boba Fett."
Word To The Wise: ( On James Franco.) "I sincerely do not get you man, you say you are straight. Yet you can suck a dick better then Jenna Jameson. You say your straight after painting Seth Rogan's twig and berries. I've never seen anyone more confused, then you dude. You can't say your still straight after putting on a pair of women's panties and going drag. It's like driving on the sidewalk. Pick a side, you asshole! Five dollars says if we pump your stomach, we would find just as much sperm Jewel had in her stomach. Plus, all of One Direction."
Word To The Wise: ( On CinemaSins. ) "If you do not watch this on YouTube. I put a Jay and Silent Bob, find you. Then kick you in your mamma jamma. "
Word To The Wise: ( On Manny and Paquel...that boxing match I can't pronounce.) "I heard this boxing match will be the biggest boxing fight in history. Twitter and Facebook and everyone will be watching it on news feeds of that nature. Well fuck you boxing, The Avengers Age Of The Ultron came out as the same time as your fight. If I really wanted to see two minorities fight, I'd move my white ass to Brooklyn, then can fight over which to steal first. My wallet or my hubcaps.."
Word To The Wise: ( On Hate.) "I don't really hate anyone. I got punched in the stomach when I was nine years old, by an African-American kid who was the same age as me. I got a beat down by six white kids, in my 5th grade class. I got harassed by white girls between 6th and 7th grade, and at age 19; I got harassed and beat up by 4 Spanish sisters. So I don't hate anyone, though I am a little postal."
Word To The Wise: ( How To Piss, My Friend Off.) "Hey Heather, keep reading...Love You."
Word To The Wise: ( On Blaming.) "Blame my husband, for inspiring me to write this. Love you, Doofy."
Word To The Wise: (On Friends who don't return your calls, or texts.) "When upon seeing your friend after they do not return your calls or text messages. Eat a box of chocolate glazed donuts, and say you can't share them because your doctor says you have low blood sugar; you need to keep your sugar level up."
Word To The Wise (On The Firefly TV Cult)
Wash: "I am a leaf on the wind, watch me how I ..never make sure Firefly season two comes back on TV"
Word To The Wise (On Dollhouse The TV Show.) Alan Tudyk: "Yes! I am so going to kill ratings on this show!" [Mid season] "Fuck! If Dushku, didn't show her Dushku on TV I could have had a longer running television series. Shit. I should have stayed where I was at with Firefly."
Word To The Wise : ( On Firefly The TV Cult.) "There's so much talk about bringing old TV shows back, while Dr. Who gets his own fucking theme park at Universal Studios. They should just reboot Firefly for the love that is all and might, what the fuck do I need to see Uncle Joey getting a blow job by the Tanner twins on Netflix for? Is it Netflix or Boobflix? How about IstickmyfootinyourNetflix if Firefly does come back on TV? Sound Good?"
Word To The Wise: (On Horror Movies) "When you hear Ch-Ch-Ha-Ha, that shouldn't be a preverbal time to take off all your clothes during a power out. If your going to be that dumb, you might as well through a party for illegal immigrants. Puts some Mexican food out as fiesta dish, then when the killer shows up. It wouldn't matter who he killed because they would be in the states illegally and the only thing you would be responsible for is the electric bill. Unless your ultra stupid an you stick around entertaining illegal immigrants, while the serial killer shows up. "
Word To The Wise: ( On Fan Fictions) "SherWhoSuperFly. What is this a rhyme for jump rope? I have a Fan Fiction I wrote under two minutes. It's called Castle-Quantum-Who-Fly. Castle gets Beckett her cup of coffee at the station , as he does each day. A routine that hasn't change even after they were married. After getting the two cups of coffee, Castle notices a rather old blue telephone box outside the police station. He looks to investigate. Castle notices that he is the only one that sees this thing, and opens the door of the telephone box. What he saw was another room , and as curiosity always inspired his writing he walked inside. Castle traveled to many verse's always hoping each leap would be the leap home. When he marked on the telephone wall ten months, he stepped outside and he was home in New York City. Beckett had just become police captain and she just had a baby. Castle's baby. Yes, that big blue box had a lot of answer to fill his questions; and it may have made Castle feel like a big damn hero. But at last he was home. In his Serenity."
...Geeks unite,.. I am your new profit :)
Word To The Wise: (On "Holy Shit, I just realized something!") "People who are into theories and end of the world idea, often talk of the Illuminati. A lot of that is in the music industry. Eminem had posed for magazine covers with Dr. Dre and another man, indicating that they made a deal with a devil. Beyonc'e and Jay-Z took a second honey moon; while making a hand gesture of the Illuminati. Rihanna did a duet with Eminem and the lyrics she sang were : "I'm friends with the monster, the son in my bed. I get along with the voices, inside my head. Won't someone save me?" And now you are at "Holy Shit, I just realized something!"
Word To The Wise: ( On Internet Cookies ) "If I ever make a wish and it could be any wish at all. , I would wish for Cookie Monster to eat all the cookies out in the internet. Before my Norton Free trial runs up and the Blue Screen Of Death appears on my computer."
Word To The Wise: ( On Walking.) "If you walk regularly as if you were in a LMFAO music video, please for the love of humanity. Go to physical therapy and walk like a homosapien, instead of Redfoo who is now on Dancing With The Stars."
Word To The Wise ( On The Movie; Into The Woods.) "First Disney movie to suggest raping, beating, sluts, adultery and death. Shit, and here I thought The Haunted Mansion movie was bad. When Eddie Murphy said "Ass" when walking towards the dark corridor. "
Word To The Wise: (About Being Fat)
"When your a kid, you really love Jello Jigglers. When your an adult your ass becomes a Jello Jiggler."
"Obese people really love to chronically masturbate, because no one likes to fuck a fat ass."
Word To The Wise: ( On Irritable Blonde Syndrome ) "If you know you have plans for the day, you shouldn't eat a burrito and have a cup of coffee at the same ."
Word To The Wise (On Shopping Healthy) "If your going to shop at Whole Foods at least prepare a budget, and for god's sake's leave your man at home. If he hates shopping, he'll just make you feel like an idiot that you brought him to the store aaand you still have to go back to food store to buy food for the rest of the week. Ugh"
Word To The Wise: (On Summer Pool Rules ) "What is a worse topic for going in the pool? 1) Debating about peeing in the pool, but deciding to bet against. Because you have a UTI and you have been taking AZO. 2) Deciding to get out of the pool early because of your hairy relative going in the pool the same time as you do; and seeing a hairy fur ball floating behind them."
Word To The Wise: (On Chucky/Child's Play) Here are my thoughts on these movies. Child's Play: "Ooh, this looks fucking scary." Child's Play 2: "Cool, a Sequel." The Bride Of Chucky: "What is this The Puppet Master remake??" Child's Play 4/ Or whatever the fuck that movie was. : "Oh now there just fucking really bored, in Hollywood." The Curse Of Chucky: "This is fucking stupid...I can't believe I paid three dollars for this shitty movie...this actually funny....Oh wait, now that's just confusing...Yes! It's like a make up, for the rest of the shitty movies they made."
Word To The Wise ( On The Shoe Code )Sneakers : Casual everyday kind of jam. Flats: When you want to be comfortable in a special occasion. Heels: When you don't try to hard. High Heels: When your trying to pull off classy and sexy. Porn Shoes: It's like your begging for Doggie Style Sex. NYC Porn Shoes: Your asking for anal sex. Hooker Boots: They are nice looking, but unless your a superhero or warrior goodness. There is no need to wear them, unless your gaining height for the evening. Dress Black, Boots. : I don't even know why they were invented for everyone. If you don't own a Harley, don't buy the boots.
Word To The Wise: (On adding onto catchphrases ) "YOLOIF : You only live once in a fire truck. YOLOIP: You only live once in a police car. IFYOLTEMTTYLF: If you only live through an EMT truck, your a lucky fuck. Welfie: A Selfie in water or under water."
Word To The Wise: ( On mother's buying clothes, for their older children.) "For all you Mom's out there, could you please stop buying your older children clothes? All these controlled tops and controlled jeans and Hanes underwear that come in packs of 12 and you can set sail in them. Anything with controlled in clothing, is like fitting a sausage into a condom. Everything will pop out and you'll be calling us Muffin Tops until we lose the weight."
Word To The Wise: (On WWE, wrestling.) " Why are the wrestlers acting before the actual wrestling? Who fucking cares who betrayed who? Why the fuck are over grown men, wrestling in skimpy outfits? Maybe you wouldn't be concerned with who betrays who, if you had another man's sweaty balls on your back; you introduce young children to skanky lesbian hookers.. and your on the fucking Syfy channel! Nothing about any of this, is fucking Syfy! What you really need to do, is move this fucking circus you call a sport to the LOGO network. Where it would be appreciated better."
Word To The Wise: ( On The Syfy channel.) "I have no idea why the Sci-Fi channel went from Syfy channel. I feel like saying this every time I hear it; "Oh that darn Sy! He Fy-d in my toilet and now it's clogged again!"
Word To The Wise: (On Gay People.) "I have no hate about Gay people, it just means they watch a different porn from the rest of us."
Word To The Wise ( Men Vs Women, Part Two.) If men complain about your appearance, complain about their own appearance too. I fully stand by the fact that men were born with nipples first; and that is the reason why they are complaining about appearances more then us women do. Because men are girls too. :P
Word To The Wise:( On Men. ) "How come they never get it? When Ebenezer Scrooge dumped his fiancé for money, it took him a lifetime to realize what he really lost. It doesn't matter on what levels we expand with them, we always have to be Sandy at the end of Grease. We can give them our energy and time and our money and it will never be as good as anyone else has to offer. Yet we are the dumb ones that give everything to them and they don't care about what we say or do, because in the end they matter. Well I'm here to say I lost 32 pounds, I have more to go. I'm getting a make over. I'm looking to get another tattoo and I'm going to do what is right by me. So in the end, someone is going to sing; 'I got chills, there multiplying...'
Word To The Wise ( On The Zombie Apocalypse.) "If you had read my biography called W.T.F, and Kevin Costner is turned a zombie. I want first dibs, on going Sheriff Rick on his ass."