december 30, 2019

i am really going through it right now that not even what i thought could cheer me up could. truly, i feel like one big blah. just an empty vessel without the drive to live on. i do not know why i am like this. i wish i had a great passion for something, i wish i had been someone who strived for his betterment. but those are all just aspirations from a vessel without motivation. i just want to die because i am tired. it is so fucking stupid because i have no reason to be tired at all. i am so lazy. i do not want to do anything. i do not want to exist anymore. life as a human being is a chore. maybe i would be able to deal with life if i were just created differently. if i just had a fire inside of me, that would make life more bearable. i am truly ashamed of who i am, i have all the opportunities yet i only strive for the minimum just to get through. i hate myself. what sucks is that i find it hard to break free from my current shameful self. old habits really do die hard. are they habits? a mindset? a characteristic? and imbalance? i do not know but what i am sure of is my shame. i am so fucking shameful that not even this shame drives me to fix myself. i am stuck. and i guess i have been for so long but it just started crashing down on me. help me i do not know who because even i can't seek help. i am a shameful coward, a piece of shit human being. i hope i die in my sleep tonight.

     tired of this system.

i want to be free

i do not want responsibilities

i do not want expectations

i want to live 

i want to be happy

i want to run away.

i hate feeling what i want to feel

because it makes me crave it more

it feels insincere

and i am confused

do i really want it?