Okay so my dad is in jail. He has been in jail since I was 1 so that's s long time. I am now 15. He has two more years in jail but they are trying to give him 5 more years. The reason why he is in jail is because he witnessed a murder and he knew who the murderer was because he was my dad dad's friend. They wanted my dad to testify against him but my dad's friend threaten to kill me if he testified so he is in jail because of me. I feel so guilty about about it. I just met my dad last year and I just saw him about 2 months ago. I miss him so much. I wish he was with me now.
He never got a chance to watch his little girl grow up. He didn't see me ride my bike for the first time or watch me take my first step. He hasn't had a chance to be apart of my life and I feel like I took that away from him. I feel like I took away his freedom. It's all my fault. I started cutting myself all on my left arm because of all this guilt building up inside of me just waiting to come out like a raging fire. I feel angry at myself. I can't help it to feel this way u just do. I try to think of the positives of this situation but it's just not working. I just don't know what to do.
I try to talk to my mom about this but every time I do, she goes to my step dad and tells him everything so I don't talk to her anymore. No one really understands what I'm going through but they still try to understand. I went to therapy for about a year and it helped a little but the pain and depression that I feel is still there. I have these nightmares every night of my dad and now I can't sleep. Every night when I go to sleep I'll just wake up and start crying over and over again. This has been happening for about 2 months now.
I haven't told anyone yet. My teachers and friends see that there is something going on with me and when they ask me "what's wrong " I'll just say part of the story or I'll just nothing at all. I like to write all my thoughts and emotions down on paper. Sometimes it calms me down. It helps me feel better about myself but it doesn't help for every situation that I have......
I don't know anyone on my dad's side of the family. They don't call me. They don't come to visit. They don't do anything. They haven't seen me since I was 2 months old. I have an uncle that lives around the corner from my house but he still doesn't come to visit. I feel like they don't love me at all. They all are into drugs. The only family that I talk to is my great Grandmom and my little cousin. I know that they love me but the rest of them I don't know.
My other uncle just died 2 weeks ago. He was just walking down the street and he just got shot. I went to go see my great Grandmom and my cousin to see if they were okay. I walked in the door and I saw all these people. My great Grandmom told me who they were. They were my aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all said that they were happy to see me. I didn't beleive them. My dad gave most of y'all my number and my address but nobody called and nobody came to visit me. Then my Grandmom walked into the door and she saw me.
Then my mom told her that I was her granddaughter and then she ran and gave me a hug. She started to cry and I started crying too but then I stopped. She started talking to me for about 5 minutes and she walked away😒😑. We stayed for a little bit longer and then we left. I felt every emotion. I didn't know what to do. Now when my dad gets out of jail, I don't want them to try and be around me. They haven't been around me for 15 years now they want to be around me now...... No. I'm done with them now. I want nothing to do with them but that's actually a lie because I do want to be around them. I want to feel love from them but I know that they won't give it to me.
My dad hasn't called me in a while. I called my great grandmother and she said she hasn't got a call from him in a while either. She thinks that there is something wrong and I do also. She told me that she was going to call the prison to see what's going on up there. I'm really really worried about him right now. He is just stuck in my head for some reason. I'm always thinking about him because you never know when someone will die. We can all die at any moment in a blink of an eye. So I'm always worried that he is going to die today or tomorrow.