God and Gilbert


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No Introduction, No Chapters

coupla days back gilbert got a message from god - yeah thats right that god this god the one and only well as far as you’re concerned the one true god the only one you need to bother with but let gilbert tell you how it happened himself you’re gonna have to get use to this two hander structure so why not start now
ok yeah i know weird huh? totally. me? you’re kidding right afraid not this is kosher fucking weird but kosher believe meet me tell you how it all started when it started the whole shooting match
so it was like the bigone says a couple of days ago a sunday now i think of ii coz i was listening to 6music a sunday morning how appropriate how come i hadn’t worked that out already figures i guess in a kinda goddy-way it does anyway back to the narrative the one after a boring nother thing sequence of actions that stuff
its first thing the dogs are out in the field and ive got the kettle on and the radio going on the iPad 6music coz its a sunday we listen to 6 on sundays to avoid all the god bothering shit on radio4 and the archers bloody omnibus yeah that so i swap over to see what apps need updating and its just facebook and spark so I set them off and swap over to messenger normally id do spark and then Facebook but like i say they were updating so i went over to messenger and theres just the one message waiting but its not like a normal messenger message coz a its in my normal message not the other messages stuff and b its not from anybody i know i know how did that happen and i look at it for a while I’m not fully awake but I’m not dumb and I’m just wondering how the fuck it got in there and im inspecting the icon and it seems to be an animated gif is that allowed does Facebook support that and animated gif of a bush burning no it didn’t click at the time in hindsight it figures but not right them so I’m inspecting the icon and the username is in all caps and it says JAWEH and it seems to be glowing some new shit in messenger i guess whatever i am intrigued not intrigued enough to click on it just yet but intrigued so I’m looking at a bit like a rabbit in the headlights if truth be told when suddenly and entirely to the the blue i press on the bloody thing without wanting to
i know you’ve got a gazillion questions well how do think i felt ill cover all the salient points in time but just let me get on with the opening bit of the narrative first
so I’ve pressed on the thing and the message comes up and its in this really weird font not one I’ve seen before and not one I’ve seen on Facebook for sure each letter looks like its alight flames shiner the whole fiery text look bloody impressive i’ll tell you impressed the shit out f me anyways and the message is brief succinct terse whatever you want to call it all it says is I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU GILBERT PMS ME - GOD no punctuation all caps locked shouting out at me in this flaming script no not script font font yes colour me mind fucked but I’m laughing 
well leave gilbert there laughing and frankly incredulous not knowing what to do and thinking its all a big new scam so he makes some more coffee shakes his head lights a fag no not the american version the english version and wanders out to see what the dogs are doing little knowing that somebody not a million parsecs from here has well and truly poked a stick in his spokes a bicycle metaphor in the 21st century a glorious anachronism no so to speak and so his humdrum quotidien goes on but his mind is racing and his brain is having trouble keeping up and his rational side is arguing twenty to the dozen with his irrational side a furious socratic dialogue that not that he know it it actually heating his brain pan and irritating his lizard brain there’ll be physical consequences mark my word well really  you should mark all of my words but here and now mark those ones ok so lets go back to the narrative what gilbert so eloquently calls the one after a boring nother thing sequence of actions
so I’ve been out with the dogs and cleaned out the stove and brought in some wood and and all the other shit that i do first thing on a winters morning and I’ve brewed up some more coffee and I’ve rolled a few fags and my mind has been racing trying to figure out what the god deal is all about what kind of scam some sort of trojan or something more serious but nagging all along niggling at the back of my brain my lizard brain perhaps trying to decide whether to register it as a threat or not and I’m kind of nearly convinced that i should just ignore it but secretly grudgingly wondering what sort of job god might have for me and why and when and how could there be a god and why would he choose me if there was and of course there is no such thing i havent believed that shit since i was about 10 and got felt up by the leader of the boys brigade and the leader of scripture union classes and it doesn’t make any sense its nonscience nonsense let it drop ignore it delete the message and block the sender simples so i flip open the iPad and there is the message still burning away and theres a new one and i try to delete it and it won’t go away so i go over to chrome and try to find a reason it won’t delete and well i try to go over the chrome but no doing type in the query hit return nothing ok swap to google same deal no deal swap over to facebook itself see if anybody else is getting this shit no go no deal no nothing same in messenger except i can’t go anywhere else it just takes me back to that message - the new one and against my better judgement i read it its another short one so god aint the verbose or garrulous type well not on this evidence more glowing burning throbbing text same font I TOLD YOU TO MESSAGE ME - DO IT NOW - GOD
reset the router reboot the iPad same shit no deal shut the iPad boot up the desktop mac same shit no deal internet connexion all ok but nothing doing reboot the router with the desktop mac off and boot up the trusty chromebox sane fucking thing same shit same same same no deal again something truly weird is going on or not going on or not going out this is not possible or is it fuck fuckity fuck fuck  is this related to the god business how the hell could that happen ……. well i guess if he’s omnipotent then yes but he doesn’t exist what the very fuck do I do it do i message him is he a him or is it an it or is it a her or or or maybe a nonbinary or gender fluid where do i even start to think about this shit
while gilbert boils his brain over his conundrum dilemma dichotomy whatever its up to me to explain the unorthodox grammar orthography punctuation typography everything really we had a discussion that he will most definitely describe or outline or summarise for you at some stage but he drew up the rules and you have to live with them i don’t because my brain the size of a planet or two automatically reverts the whole thing to its proper format inasmuch as there exists a proper or orthodox format for this kind of text anyway its his call so ill let him explain it if he so chooses at some future juncture or not but for now lets go back to gilbert and see what he’s up to
gotta do it no argument gotta its mental but so is this whole shitty situation some bastard has blocked my vectors to the worlwidewebthingy altogether and it has to be that god geezer to be honest it cannot get any worse can ii can it well maybe it can but if i back up the main machine first and do it from there then even if its ridiculously hostile i can always restore without messenger oh yeah ill sandbox it too shut down the wifi unplug the ethernet from the chromebox and power off the iPad so even if this hacker is omnipotent he aint gonna get near damaging my it assets no fucking way box it off and then  
its all boxed off so its shit or get off the pot time here we go open messenger and sure enough there it is glowing flaming laughing at me maybe taunting certainly lock caps on giving like for like fight fire with fire if only i had that fiery font tante pis here goes OK SMART ALEC WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT AND NOW IVE DONE AS YOU ASKED CAN YOU PLEASE UNLOCK MY SHIT COZ ITS REALLY REALLY TEDIOUS ? nice touch that pop a thank you in there or a please rather but you know what i mean never harms to seem compliant complaisant hit send cross the old fingers and wait but not for long bang back come the reply DONE WELL DONE YOU JUST REMEMBER THIS IS ALWAYS AN OPTION same spooky font same all caps shouting what are we doing shouting at each other anyway and suddenly a metric shit ton of messages thatve clearly been backed up come flooding through from all sorts of people and all sorts of apps the tap has been turned back on and then zap another message from god bugger it I’m gonna abbreviate that no acronymize it maybe AGMESS another god message so agmess it is the trouble I just had getting this software out of my way bloody thing kept correcting agmess to games go figure bloody artificial stupidity anyway short and to the point again at least he or she or it is blessedly succinct probably genuinely blessed hahaha FROM HERE ON IN AGMESSES WILL BE DELIVERED DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN - DO NOT PANIC so how the fuck did he know the acronym already do not panic there you go some kind of vulcan fucking mind meld and I’m not to panic ill panic if i want to god or not I’m gonna start hearing voices in my head like a bona fide paranoid schizophrenic and I’m not to panic yeah fucking right bash IT ISN’T PAINFUL BUT IT CAN BE UNSETTLING unsettling yeah well well see
it didn’t take long and if you’ve ever done serious hallucinogens and yes i have more than i care to admit to my offspring or to any judgemental person full stop hey hold up you may be judgemental oh fuck it its said now if you’ve ever done hallucinogens it was really no big deal and now I’ve got this voice and not just a voice I’m guessing its prolly listening in 24/365 but then  again it might have been doing that anyway how would i know have known and at least it doesn’t do the caps lock shouty thing its really quite pleasant and civil considering its plugged into me directly I’m going with it for now all that gender shit just gets in the way and hey who the fuck cares anyways its not like god is human or animal so stuff like gender race nationality age educational attainment are irrelevant beyond irrelevant in fact more like inapplicable category errors each one of them tho id love to see gods post nominals bloody impressive i imagine but whod issue the certificates the university of celestial education whatever the only trouble with the direct to brain interface apart from some teething issues that thebigone tells me are mine and how i will quickly adapt to is that its always on and frankly thebigones understanding of human functioning is a bit slim hearing the voice as I’m trying to squeeze a turd out is not exactly conducive to me concentrating on the content I’m much more likely to just tell it to go fuck itself likewise while I’m having a fag leave me abloodylone for a few minutes will you and its not like thebigone indulges in smalltalk for sicks sake oh no its all pretty heavy shit so yeah we’ve got some appropriateness issues to sort out but its a pretty interesting ride so far and in some points enlightening too take the dogs for example first time thebigone came through yeah I was taking a dump at the time so i told him to give me five and by the time he got back to me i was having a fag and stroking the girls one either side of me and he comes thru loud and clear and both of the dogs get up and wander to the back door stand on the threshold and bark like fucking mad like some lunatic burglar is on his way and the bigfella bigone bigyin come on lets settle for just one name shall we else this is gonna get too confusing I’m not going on unless we can agree to what i call you in this text coz this is ridiculous and no I’m not using god deffo not no way 
how about dave you call lots of people dave when you can’t remember their name want some pegs dave that would work for me
no thats no good its gendered dave implies masculine and we’ve already established that you’re not masculine or any other gender as we know it so no to dave what about Franky or Les or Leigh or Pat something that works for the two main genders here in this place or how about thingy or thing
oh come on behave pat really franky i think not and most definitely not les or lee however you spell it what about mighty one or something like that or one of your acronyms
good idea an acronym let me have a think while I’m thinking what was the deal with my dogs did they hear you sense you something weird happened
oh that mmmmm maybe i need to adjust the transmission frequency its obvious your canine pals caught something and we can’t have them going ape whenever i communicate can we by the way its really touching how much you love them and they love you warms the cockles of my heart just a shame you can’t hear what they say about you  
wadda ya mean what they say about me they really can talk is that it and do they understand me do they understand you do they hey do they how about goat thats a good ironic acronym and not exactly gendered in general use it stands for greatest of all time so how about that 
oh oh oh thats funny thats good thatll work for me i like it i like it a lot i am the goat how beautifully ironic and contextual and nearly i knew i could rely on you well done you 
the goat and the johns  
ok lets settle for the goat or goat sounds a bit like god without the article ironic and punning too and nearly a homonym too thats always a good combination but can we get back to the dogs please about them talking to each other and how comes they can understand us humans  and what do they say about me is it good ill bet its funny id find it funny its nothing like the words and voices i give them that ill warrant all my anthropomorphic crap 
hold on hold right on there will you stop doing that its bad enough i have to listen to the locals speaking greek in the cafe and you spend an awfully long time there might i observe without you using all those damned greek derived words in your speech i know the english language your bastard tongue has stolen widely but the sounds the reverberations of greek jar with me even some of the latin borrowings have greek origins and they jar too  
so according to this you don’t like english and you hate greek but you pick a writer an english writer living in greece to communicate with and why would that be and why would you hate greek so much anyway what language do you speak aren’t you supposed to have invented language in the first place why why did you invent it if you did i love language and you seem to despise it 
long story very long story indeed yes and no a love hate relationship i am after all the god of the religions of the book and the book is central language is my thing thats why i chose you you seem to love language in much the same way i do language not stories language pure and not at all simple i figured you of all people would get it tho last writer i picked for the job didn’t work out so well but thats another story altogether or text altogether but you wanted to know about greek and my response to it so lets do that bit first its not the language per se but the fact that i cannot hear it without recalling one of my big mistakes very big what you’d call a clusterfuck i guess that time i sent my son here to your beautiful plane one of my favourites to see if i couldn’t get you all back on the right track my big mistake my bad as you’d say not the son thing but giving him too much autonomy he chose the disciples and he chose those clowns to document it in greek don’t believe all that aramaic and hebrew origins nonsense he chose greek to get the message across to a wider audience but boy did he choose the wrong guys to do the job he never read those texts still wont but look at the facts four gospels only four and yet those clowns couldn’t even get the basic narrative straight even the police can manage something that simple how did they get it that wrong and sentimental don’t get me started and they missed out or downplayed the political message emphasising instead what a nice bloke he was well if the most you can say about somebody who gave his entire life to the struggle against privilege and power and inequality is that he was a nice bloke well excuse me if I’m not impressed not pleased pissed off even take john 1 please take it take it anywhere thats john the disciple not john the nutcase from patmos he was a completely different john a lot more fun as it happens than that rod up his arse disciple in the beginning was the word that is so sloppy well you’ve seen all the nonsense that ensued from that fuck up john the nutter jeez he was a real loose cannon liked his hallucinogens maybe a bit too much and given that he was stark staring bonkers to begin with well it kind of explains that text he wrote we had some good times together not like john the pompous chalk and cheese mind you john the nut job didn’t really get it but why would he he was out of his head in more ways than one
jim and the goat--------------------------------------------------------------
and the last writer you picked did they turn you down or not finish the gig or what who was it would i know of them
oh yeah you’d know him and no he didn’t turn me down finished the job eventually took him a long time not as long as the four soft lads took over the second book or even as long as the opening five chapters of the first book took moses but seventeen years nonetheless and nobody understood a bloody word of it let alone got it its good don’t get me wrong one of the best attempts maybe the best yet but it didn’t take with joe public the academics yes theres as much study and commentary on it as on any of the other books but the study and the commentary are just as bloody useless as are they all i mean its not as if he didn’t tip the wink in the opening line and the titles are a dead giveaway too he was bloody atheist too just like you and he refused to call me god he preferred finn and i humoured him give him his due he was the first one to get a load of humour into it just like I’m banking on you to do so why is it that all the interpreters and academics and commentators missed the point altogether and why are they all so pofaced 
wait up there goat just hang on buddy less im much mistaken and not at all the bloke you are looking for yore telling me that the las guy to have their gig was james joyce and he wrote finnegans wake for you that was his response to your brief  the opening has to be riverrun past eve and adams from swerve etcetera etcetera etcetera 
spot on boyo spot on on the nose you are and yes jim was the man still is really you want to explain the titles to me both of them are you up to that too
OK lets go with this one first work in progress well that explains itself your work is the work in progress and the final title the one he kept secret for so long was a classic joycean punning game your name to him is finn and you’ve just come again egan fiinegan and the text is to wake humans and to be your wake hows that goat 
right right and right you’re exactly the man I’ve been looking for no fool at all maybe it was just too good unlike the other three sounds like i got a there book deal but no no publishers telling writers what they had to write and how often back in the days of the first book guess i was the first self publisher how prescient of me well i would be wouldn’t i and none of that paid by the word nonsense that richardson and his cronies got up to tho youd be forgiven that the to was paid for by the word so many wasted ones so much bloody verbiage al that begetting for a start like anybody wold be interested i wanted it terse and succinct but no they had their own ideas and had to stick in all that dodgy story telling and begetting and so many laws and taboos have you read leviticus has anybody and then when i offered them five commandments they had to add another five of their own you work out which were which verbal or lexical diarrhoea blah blah blah no wonder it bombed no wonder they have to give the thing away and even then they slip it into bedside cabinets and who ever reads that the menu for room service is more fun and even the local attraction pamphlets i love language and they all mangled it up wrapped it in mysticism and parable and epistles and the like psalms proverbs stories genealogies what a surprise none of them worked and then i figured it might have been my fault so i sent gabe to dictate the third one and well you know what happened there another dud  
goat gone gilbert goes on -----------------------------------------------------------
why did you change its name time was it was mahometanism or mohammedanism now its islam so now its about submission and submission alone and nothing about the other teachings that gabe gave him that i gave to gabe and now there are no followers of Mahomet just submissives or muslims bloody nonsense and just because they didn’t like using the naming structure that were used in xtianity  your greek pals called them musselmen not muslims thats one greek word i do like from the persian and they must have liked it too because it seems thats where they got muslim from enough enough already boring preachy next  to sum up the first three were crap and failed the fourth was too difficult and went pretty much unnoticed with hindsight expecting anybody to recognise jim as a prophet was some stretch big ask as youd say i mean you love it but not for the intended reason but enough of my failures I’m gonna have to love you and leave you got a bit of business elsewhere urgent life saving disaster averting gob smacking lip pursing armageddon stopping stuff to do
elsewhere what i thought you were supposed to be ubiquitous omnipresent whats the difference anyway must look that up sometime probably some theological dancing on heads of pins nonsense whatever you are supposed to be everywhere all at once and to haveth childers everywhere too no doubt if jim is to be believed so if you’re omnipresent how can you need to go off somewhere else especially if youre omnipotent too or is that stuff all pr
look I’m in a bit of a rush but ill explain it alter ill give you the short version well talk about the whole thing another time but for now remember when you went to betram mills circus when you were 6 and you were taken with those chinese guys who did all that plate spinning they weren’t real chinese by the way but you remember the spinning plates i know you do coz when you look at the wild carrot blowing about in summer you always invoke that memory relive it 
i thought that memory was from television from sunday night at the london palladium i don’t remember going to the circus for real but i do remember the platespinners and you say they weren’t chinese at all chipperfields bertram mills billy smart circuses used to be big back then not good but big big tops big business big showmen near as big as you i guess the smells the sights the noise the awful band that terrible music 
look i love your reveries and epiphanies but I’m pushed for time here long story short to keep all of the multiverses on track and so they don’t just bang into each other or worse still implode i have to go visit when they start to like the plates slow down a certain divine momentum is needed to keep all those plates spinning so off i go speak soon don’t do anything i couldn’t do 
ok goat see you around the olden days were big for billies wilder eckstein fury wright 105 caps  holiday gardenia bounce bunter smart butlin cotton butlin and smart knew each other i think maybe they split the bill king billy too even billy goat multiverses too huh
gilbert alone-----------------------------------------
well thats a relief a bit of peace that goat takes up so much bandwidth give me a chance to assimilate some of the stuff he’s been telling me the stuff he’s not been telling me too always listen to whats not being said wise words who said that me or some french philosopher linguist literary theorist eco maybe maybe ill sleep properly tonight whoa thunk that platespinning was like running multiple universes or that the goat had been to the circus or that i had i really don’t remember that but then again there are lots of gaps in my early memories i do remember listening to don cockle versus marciano on the radio or do i not in the later recent ones my recall seems to improve the more shit i let into my head the more connexions get made its like some sort of interior tourettes in there sometimes most of it seems to be available interesting how much of those scripture union lessons i remember got to the point tho where i don’t know which are mine and which are stories I’ve heard told but isn’t that the plates thinking on memory that we remember the last time we recalled something and not the original so after a while whether it was originally mine or somebody else is irretrievable whatever he’s certainly got some bees in his bonnet that goat but i guess hes had a lot to be pissed off about over the generations centuries millennia eras eons saeculums epochs infinities both countable and uncountable  moses and the apostles get a roasting not best pleased with his own sons performance either underwhelmed or gabe and m tho he does seem to have high regard for language must ask him about babel if he ever comes back that and whether anybody has ever turned him dow not sure I’m not going to gotta admit that shit with my internet was a technology thing sufficiently advanced to resemble magic who said that do i need to attribute it not really this is my text my circus my monkeys my rules my show my party and ill cry if i want to you would cry too if he hijacked you and there was me not long ago bemoaning smart watches and phones and appliances toothbrushes and the like and look at me a direct mind interface to the goat willingly whoa thunk it my rule yeah we should talk about them my rules why this text is the way it is for starters that thing about attribution is what i call an intellectual ornamentation something in the text that isn’t essential to the meaning of the text but that flatters or intrigues the reader one of the things I’ve always loved in literature not just the unusual words but the references outward from the text outwith  extracurricular if you will jim did it a lot the roman a clef crowd overdid it in my opinion and its not humble either in these googleable days its no longer a figure only for the educated as once it was but allows any reader to educate themselves to encourage it to educate or edffy the rule were one of the first things we talked about if I’m writing it and he wants me to but this is just a probationary text to test us both 
waiting for god ————————————————————————
but no capitals no punctuation sentences and all the rigamarole of written language written as we know it a friend once showed me a letter from her motherinlaw a cypriot who wrote a lot like this no punctuation no sentences but she didn’t separate the words either i thought that a step too far for now but in the future who knows it all started with me refusing to capitalise god or goat so he said i couldn’t capitalise gilbert so i said ok then no capitals at all and if you’ve read my stuff which you prolly havent you’d know i’ve not used sentences per se nor paragraphs no artificial barriers to flow and rhythm they try to force the writers opinion on the reader maybe their meaning too manipulative hold on message incoming agmes what the days with nothing and now a gnomic one the difference between being and seeming and that means what that needs thinking about unless you wanna give me a hint goat anyway this duologue dialog thing goes back to socratic days nice and simple two hander beckettian belacquan belacquian basquiatian even plot narrative and character all got in the way of the first three books so goat agreed to let me ditch them but hey i wouldn’t be doing this if he had disagreed my party my monkeys hold on there i think i might have it yup its a reference back to the difference between omnipresent and ubiquitous tho which is which i couldn’t say resume no parables no proverbs not psalms no epistles apostles or disciples no begatting or begetting no genealogy period who fucking cares or cared or anyway no commandments no songs and absobloodylutely no mystical hallucinating revelations no chronicles or lamentations no shit no sherlock now heres a strange thing i really liked goat coming thru just then i think i might be missing him what thunk it you invite some weird entity into your wetware how the fuck did that happen and its intellectual overload times ten for a while and you’d do most anything to get rid of it or at least shut it the fuck up and then when it pisses off you start to miss it what a completely irrational species we are next it’ll be anxiety setting in about whether the goat has gone for good i know myself too well and honestly it was a fun rollercoaster there for a while and stimulating and then some all these years listening to religious nuts bemoaning the fact that they pray every day and their god never seems to hear them leave alone respond as for talking directly to them conversationally and heres me the big old atheist bloke and I’ve just spent days listening to the goats inner secrets and unwritten history what a turn up for the books i wouldn’t tell them tho they would never believe me oh they of little faith and me of none at least hesheit  could give me an update now and then let me know if i have time to start any biggish tasks jobs projects just check in occasionally will you goat will you 
not godot ========================== 
see not like waiting for godot at all i turn up goodness gilbert you’re starting to sound like a needy girlfriend i wasn’t gone that long in your terms but oh well never mind it must be tricky youre kind of addicted by now it was bound to happen i guess thats one of the reasons i sent gabe down that other time I’m the most addictive substance in your universe in all of the universes i know about to be honest and i know most of them intimately there are one or two i know of but don’t actually know a bit like you were with pubs in london there are some you know about but can no longer experience either coz you got banned or coz they closed and you’ll never know which coz you no longer have access well same with me and universes not a great analogue but it’ll do for now aren’t you going to ask how i got on whether i kept the plates spinning what sort of friend are you its all you you you 
shut the fuck up for a minute i can’t get a word in bloody edgewise you’re prating ten to the dozen and I’m supposed to be treating it like a conversation well ive got news for you goat you have to fucking pause now and then otherwise it becomes a monologue soliloquy diatribe bloody rant well did you did you keep it spinning get it spinning properly again I’m guessing you did coz thats what you do but do do tell me and yes I’m fine and no i am not a needy sodding girlfriend thanks is this a flying visit do you fly or do you teleport or something hell no i don’t suppose there isa material you to fly or to teleport must be more like turning your attention or tuning your attention focussing concentrating attending i guess but not in a physical way yeah
kind of yeah kind of and can you not oh never mind nobody else is listening in well i hope not i think not shit i should know not yes of course i got it all spinning and balanced like you say its what i do i have form i have experience lots of it tho this last one was a bit more than a touch on the tiller so to speak this one involved some divine intervention shit stuff i only do in extreme circumstances it was pretty dire for a while but i managed and plate spinning is another crap analogue do you remember that book you read when you were working on early ai about how your species is always comparing their godhead of choice or should that be goatherd of choice in terms of one of their own achievement how the describe their mind in similar analogues like how you people now think of your brain being a big fast computer and how i used to be the blind watchmaker or potter in the sky or or take your pick pick your nose was by a guy called bolt or somesuch not usain anyway another anthropocentric thing your species specialises in upward downward inward whatever it all has to be about you or like you what was my point lost my thread there oh yeah some systems or universes run much more smoothly than others and this last one has a species much like yours like but not the same and not really comparable so don’t ask anyhoo theres this one specimen over there has accumulated a lot of power among the species and don’t ask how i didn’t look into to closely but accept that this one had the power and it was putting a whole lot of interacting systems in flux balancewise throwing the whole equilibrium out of whack so id been rebalancing for a while but when i was bringing you up to speed it fucked up majorly so i ended him well not there and then but i put the poison in so to speak it’ll all balance up nicely soon no serious harm done shit happens all the time all over the place my bad all over the places whatevs im back and im proud so lets take it up where we left off where was that weren’t we talking abut the books of the religions of the book so ver to you go I’m listening
gilbert and gomorrah————————
no i got that you feel the first three failed and the fourth one didn’t get much what we call traction or at least not in the way you wanted id like to go back to language i love it you love it we all love it but if you love it that kinda begs the inevitable the ineluctable question you know whats coming don’t you of course you do do i have to spell it out ok then bee ay bee eee ellll yeah that one babel what happened there according to book one there was just the one language and every human spoke it and understood it 
yeah thats right one language the so called Japhetic tongue the one your dogs still use the one that douglas adams intuited and your point is what
my point pal my point is that linguistic disaster the big not the great vowel shift not estuary english not even the disaster that happens when the end of every sentence goes up so you don’t know whether its a question or a statement aitch are tee not hormone replacement therapy but high rising terminals but i prefer moronic interrogative no not any of those not those the one thats known in biblical theological circles as the confusion of tongues why the fuck would something that loves language take a universal language away and impose separate tongues languages on separate peoples i mean what the fuck and all this over a tower not even a big tower nothing like the empire state of any modern high rise even bit of an overreaction to say the least tell me please explain that shit to me coz i don’t get it at all cannot fathom it from where i stand live am that looks a lot like a fit of pique a hissyfit come on fess up what were you thinking now i think about it that first book if i remember rights was littered with your fits of pique it was like you were a different thing altogether in that one not the lovey dovey goat of the second book much more fire brimstone and shit goat more like the goat portrayed in john the nutters acid fuelled dream night terrors sequence in fact the flood sodom and tomorrow all that shit with poor old job you sure did a number on him well a number of numbers truth be told and babel and that shit with abraham you were a bit of a bastard back then as far as i can tell from the texts loads of genocide and ritual punishment durm and strang blitzkrieg much more your handwriting back in the day fucking mean trick with moses by the way i loved that one how mean can you be all that schlepping thru the desert looking after your people and then he’s not allowed in your names not down youre not coming in march bloody harsh and that mandatory circumcision of babies bloody hell institutionalised genital mutiliation how do you square that with the goat of the second book and I’m only just getting started theres endless vicious shit in the first book its like an early slasher movie but for now just tell me about babel for now
let me tell you about multiverse practice and string practice first not theories but real completely real
whoa hold up there goat are you trying to change the subject duck the bullet no fucking way babel next come on I’m not standing still for that one explain yourself defend if you will I’m going nowhere till you do babel 
the goat in the dock———————
what is this nuremburg or something i don’t have to explain myself or justify myself and certainly not defend myself but since you insist by the way i did like the doing a number on job or a number of numbers neat reference back let me say right from the getgo that I’m not proud of some of the things in that first book by the same token that moses exaggerated a lot he was a miserable fuck and a bit of a martinet to some great extent he projected his own personal style on a lot of that first set of texts both directly and indirectly he attributed some things to me that weren’t entirely my fault or doing him not getting into the promised land well yeah that was a bit mean but that wasn’t down to me the mad bad bitch egged me on and then well you know what happened she was the one who wound job up too said he was too bloody sanctimonious for his own good needed to learn a lesson or three it was like watching a train wreck happening in slow motion 
babel goat babel not the rest not the others babel now maybe well get to this so called madbadbitch later 
well she had a hand in that too but ok well it wasn’t a good time for me i remember your lot humankind was getting all uppity again and i had just been what was it id been doing hold on when was that oh yeah it was around the time i was experimenting with the multiverse ideas the nephilim were rampaging around messing up all my works and i guess i was stressed out from doing the flood thing i was probably still tired from the whole creation thing i wasn’t sleeping well and and so on the day i was pissed american angry annoyed frustrated short tempered irritable and pissed english drunk inebriated under the influence  don’t ask early alcohol experiment way too bloody strong it was the work of moment swift and painless well pretty painless there and then tho the short term confusion and angst were pretty tough on humankind it kinda served them right with hindsight but it was petty of me not worthy of me maybe it was pique only humans tho i left the other species alone they weren’t harming anybody or pissing me off they have it to today upside is that i found out a lot about language from the subsequent developments and gave linguists a job or two semioticians literary theorists they all got careers out of that one act you humans developed languages that were good at deceiving better than they were at truthing and it goes on spin doctors advertising execs pee are specialists theyre the ones who know about language you poor writers have to struggle with using it theyre the naturals the native speakers and then you invented writing to compound it all well the accountants invented it bloody bean counters mess most everything up quantity is never going to trump quality in any sane measuring system naming things yes thats good describing things thats good touching smelling looking yes all of those are good but just bloody counting them give me a break 
gilgamesh and the goat ——————————
so to summarise yes it was a fuck up a biblical fuck up a monumental mistake misstep miscalculation to use your coinage a clustershitfuckstorm of a fuck up and no i can’t really blame anybody else not in all honesty I’m supposed to be above all that but before you ask i couldn’t undo it it was too late when i realised just what i had done or the consequences thereof anyway there is a direction of travel and i don’t have control over that vector there is no reverse despite what hawking and his nerd buddies theorise and once you understand strings you as a species you’ll know that thats the way it has to be if the thing is to hang together for more than a picosecond or rather there wouldn’t be a picosecond for stuff to hang together in if it weren’t for the direction of travel strings and dot are intertwined strings are an emerging property of the dot my omnipotence doesn’t extend to the dot even i don’t mess with the dot
well the physics lesson such as it was is interesting but not as interesting as the babel story well not to me and frankly can i be frank or shall i remain gilbert the whole mad bitch meme is more than interesting still more intriguing enchanting tell me more who is she what is she is she the mythical sylvia i won’t let you foist the blame onto her but i am intrigued by er by any interesting woman really do tell
what can i say its an old story and one you guys actually documented a very long time ago it was back in the day when the nephilim were running around before they became extinct all that cross breeding miscegenation as we used to call it and while she is a big girl she’s not actually nephilim herself otherwise they wouldn’t be extinct would they but yeah shes mad shes bad and she is fucking dangerous to know count yourself lucky if you never have to know more about her than I’m going to tell you but this is a bit i want editorial control over until further notice this next bit is off the record unless i say otherwise ok
no not fucking ok you don’t get control over how i text the thing or whats in and whats out anything you tell me i get to choose if it goes in or not if you’re not sure then don’t tell me but make your mind up right now shit or get off the pot
give me a while to think about it all right you call the shots on what goes in and how its written i call the shots on what i tell you agreed thats the deal right here we go her name is lilith and she’s still at large but for the moment i don’t know where she is shes a trouble maker and heartless she is the ultimate sociopath psychopath narcissist serial killer genocidal maniac think of an unpleasant attribute or behaviour and shes got it in spades goes even beyond what you can imagine she gets to the edges of what i can imagine and you know the irony the top brick off the chimney i made her it gets worse she was very nearly your progenitor the epic of bilgamesh gilgamesh mentions her but gets her wrong but at least it gets her existence moses expunged her completely from the first book thought it would be too tough for you to take it was moses spread the idea that i was infallible so he got rid of her completely from the texts but lets be fair everybody and every thing makes the odd mistake and sadly mine have some pretty horrendous consequences shes one of them mistake that is the consequences are hers and hers alone
so theres a mad bad psychopathic female thing at large a thing that might have been my progenitor well at least its a gendered thing and you have no idea where she is what the fuck how is that even possible how does that square with your supposed omniscience is she hiding behind the fucking sofa have you looked where you last saw her and all the rest of those really useless suggestions that people make when you cant find something did you leave her on the table at the kafeneion did she fall down the footwell in the car and you made her you say when you say made her what does that mean signify connote involve imply first omnipotence then ubiquity or was it the other way round and now omniscience its all getting a bit thin you’re not quite what you’re cracked up to be are you 
well you cant blame me for that i never claimed any of those things and you forgot infallible dont forget infallible like i said that was moses and the other writers talked all that up its what they wanted me to be not what they knew not what i told them showed them what i inspired into them they all figured i had to be free of all their own foibles and failings but why should i be perfection does not exist it just isnt compatible with the dot isnt that bloody obvious to even the most superficial intellectual investigation anyway she was behind a lot of that ot nastiness the flood that was her idea babel ditto sodom til  tomorrow and the whole pillar of salt shit ditto job and his sufferings trials ditto circumcision ditto moses and the plagues of egypt moses not getting into the promised land ditto jericho ditto she brought out the worst in me and i was younger then a lot more impulsive and of course she knew those things couldnt be undone she was the one whispering in solomons ear about cutting the baby in half shes hot though irresistible to men completely and boy does she use it for delilah read lilth for jezebel read lilith the list is endless well not exactly endless but as shes still in play who knows as for her being down the back of the sofa well its difficult to explain but i took my eye off her for a moment well maybe a bit longer well considerably longer if im honest and when i turned around she was gone that would have been around the time the boy was getting himself crucified what sort of ending is that for a good jewish boy and you know since then neither hide nor hair i don’t even know where to start looking but I’m guessing she went undercover that was one of her things she loved dressing up down cross cross gender cross species shit what if she went somehow cross universes oh bloody hell i hadnt thought of that but how could she no couldnt be could it hold on there im just going to have a look around a few of the other universes see if theres any obvious signs of her activities coz one thing is for sure there will be some mayhem somewhere thats down to her keep yourself busy get on with your life if you must but let me leave you with something to ponder i know weve been over this before but couldnt we do this as a series of podcasts later gator
gilbert hits the gilbeys————————
grab a gin grab a fag kick back and breathe out this is getting kindof overwhelming so much information so little space to process it all so glad he’s buggered off again he has to give me some space ill tell him we need to make a deal theres no bandwidth left when hes online there i go using a technology metaphor tante pis den perasei desperdooberries who cares such is life and all that stuff wow that gin didnt last long one more and ill do some physical shit for contrast for relief grab some processing time another bloody technology metaphor analogy whatever thinktime consolidation space glut another gin and go and were off into the courtyard remove the tarp from the log pile get the axe the big one sweep off the top of the chopping block grab a couple of big buggers ones that result from previous splitting jazz that a big bastard nice grain what did he mean about making this lilith woman thing place the log did he mean like he is supposed to have done with adam and eve lift the axe slowly focus and arc down and even if moses didn’t mention her he didn’t get editorial control over the whole text did he use the weight of the axe head and it bites maybe one third of the way in so who did edit tit and who decided which books went in lift the whole thing on the axe head turn it over and arc it down must ask the goat three quarters thru one more should do it axe head nicely centred in the split yeah who pulled the whole thing together and did they hide the dead sea scrolls some stinking fucking troglodyte probably and it splits clean in half and where the hell is she hiding out oh i wonder has he looked in hell one of the hells are there multiple hells one for each universe perhaps fuck fuck this is supposed to clear my mind usually i think of absolutely nothing when im splitting logs or maybe i think only about splitting loads when I’m splitting logs either way theres nothing else or shouldn’t be but there is the goat is still here even if he isnt pick up the next log and position it Anathasius or Athanasius thats who decided on what was canonical knew i knew that but who edited all of the texts surely not him arc down clean split right the way through sniff up that smell of newly split olive captivating healing smells like its doing you good the act is simple and physical but the mind brain is till in turmoil keep at it break sweat purge yourself just fucking do it sweat some of that gin out another clean split align the shoulders or they’ll ache later use the weight of the axe head and the weight of the log gravity will do the job for you no need for the local builders brute force and ignorance  why won’t he let the podcast thing drop i know he prefers spoken language over written and i understand that but i do writing not recitation clean the chopping block and place another log when this ones done collect the split wood shit theres a huge fucking knot in this one lift turn drop lift turn drop getting there lift turn hit a messy split but its split now we’ve talked about podcasting already several times collect up the split wood take half back to the log pile and get some more to split take the rest and stack it by the stove for tonight its due to be a cold one and it’ll start cooling as soon as the sun is over the mountains just think yourself lucky goat isnt here and no don’t start worrying about multiverses and direction of travel dot and strings split a few more logs and clean up then another gin sweating now good work
gilbert and the goat are both pissed--------
she has she’s gone cross universes how does she do that what can i do to keep track of her now 
frankly old goat i do not give a  flying fuck not my fucking circus not my bastard monkeys you sort it out you old git old goat old git goat
what is wrong with you your mind is fuzzy and confusing are you high this place feels a lot like old john the nutters nut getting more sense out of your dogs right now tho thats not so unusual they are remarkably intelligent little girls even the bees are making more sense oh i see i see an empty gin bottle that stuff is really not good for you you know that don’t you what got into you
fuck off and leave me alone you gnomic old cunt ive had enough for now i need to get out of my nut for a while very time we talk you leave me with more and more questions one question answered and another twenty or more surface my fucking brain hurts now leave me alone go on sod off
ok mister gilbert i take your point i get that completely really tho alcohol isnt such a smart move just saying as you might say or at least some of your social media friends and relatives i mean no harm to you or your precious brainpan its hard to know how much you can take in at a time this has happened before my bad mea culpa mea cup mea maxima culpa do you mind if i just sick around for while to make sure you’re ok ill keep quiet just be around if you need me or well i could sober you up immediately that i can do and I’m told it doesn’t hurt
don’t bother yourself ill be fine and really i would like some space for a bit maybe a dreamless sleep a proper rest I’ve had none since you plugged into my brain its all a bit much close the door on you way out but before you go on the podcast thing just no find somebody else to voice this stuff if you will but i am not doing it ever never not at all 
ok then how long do you need i won’t go far might have a chat with your dogs
just go will you how long is a piece of string and don’t drive them crazy too by the way you don’t have a spare bottle of gilbeys about your person i suppose wow thats clever a bit wedding in canaa or is it caana cheers don’t close the door on your way out 
gilbert and the goat become friends --------------------
aaaaaargh dafuck oh my aching head whats in my mouth what the fuck is that taste why cant i move nice and warm tho and the door is wide open oh hello darlings aren’t you clever one either side to keep me warm bet i near deafened you i know ive been snoring shit i can taste that i have never mind bottom of a budgies cage this is more like floor of the chimps enclosure don’t suppose theres any gin left shift over girls dad needs to move stretch some of these muscles flush this crap out of my mouth oh wow look the bottle is half full oh my that hit the spot yes I’m fine well sort of out you go you must need a pee at least wow that sun is bright mmmm not raining but not what you could call warm lets check this old sack of guts out not too bad tight hip joint right side lower back niggles itching like a man up a fuzzy tree so far so normal bloody head tho wow pornokefalas big time pounding throbbing temples well i earned that take another nip and get the kettle on brew up some coffee you that helps for now did i eat last night was it last night fuck knows doesn’t matter don’t care what a diamond geezer the goat is he did leave me alone my head is painful but my mindbrain is strangely clear total blank sleep couple of hours who knows wow that kettle is sooooo fucking noisy wheres the volume switch get the coffee ready wash out a mug bugger it just swill the gin out of this one that’ll do pour the boiling water carefully push the plunger down not too fast or itll overflow now put some and drink it while its hot fuck fuckity fuck fuck that is bloody hot tastes a bit of gin but not too bad actually yes ill be out in a minute let me just grab a fag and ill be with you both guess theres a dew out there since youve both got such muddy feet ok here we go wipe the dew off the bench and plonk take the lid off the ashtray thats wet ooooh thats good that hit the spot damn fine coffee too i wonder how  many times the goat filled that gin bottle or should that be djinn bottle no no its welsh the horn of brian something or the other what a bloke judging by this fucking head must be twice at least what did he say last night something about lilth but what oops i wasn’t very nice to him was i guess not you’re a bad drunk on gin boy you know you are ok girls id best get you some grub im pretty sure i didn’t feed you last night or did i well asif youd tell me if i did how do you two that every day i can guarantee you’ll make me smile and then laugh what a tonic whoa hold hard there me hearties gonna have to move slowly but come on lets go and try not to get under my feet for an hour or two good girls dry or wet both ok why do the tops on these things have to be so bloody hard to get off they just dont get that us old folk arent as dextrous or strong there we go all nicely chopped bung some kibble on top mix it all in and sprinkle your glucosamine on top ouch those stainless steel bowls make a lot of noise on the tiles tuck in kids fill your boots blimey you were hungry it hurts this head but theres a kind of peaceful aspect to it too like a warm low hum going on but no fireworks so far 
good morning mister gilbert are you up for a little chat good morning girls 
good morning mister goat yeah pull up a chair metaphorically what with the formality don’t we know each other well enough by now to dispense with the formalities of mister this and mister that but keep the volume down its a bit tender in here at present but you knew that already didn’t you by the way thanks for the refills and giving me some space 
ill not take much of your time but can i clear that cottonwool cottoncandy candyfloss out of your head first otherwise i might need to shout to get thru 
please and if you want to take the fucking headache too that would be good how many times did you fill that bottle last night oh my thats good bugger good thats amazing how do you do that never mind it doesnt matter
its a simple matter for me and i lost count of how many times i refilled the gin in fact i only did it once but the bottle will never be completely empty again now I’ve done it once his name was bran galed or bran gelert not the one with the dog he was irish this one was an old welsh sod i remember coz i try to have as little as possible to do with the welsh same as you how much of wednesday do you remember not much by the look of things in here 
wednesday why what day is it today oh dear it was a big bender wasn’t it wish i could bottle that hangover cure of yours id make a bloody fortune
its saturday and yes a very big bender an almost biblical bender old testament bible nobody much in the new testament does much serious drinking prissy prigs didnt know what they were missing how are you feeling do you want me to leave you alone for a while longer by the way i fed the girls while you were absent tho i see they didn’t tell you that this morning little darlings 
gone girls genesis ———————
and did you have the chat you spoke of they don’t seem spooked what did they tell you what did you tell them do i want to know would i believe you yes i think i would no idea why but i just would they’ll let me know if youre lying to me 
yes i did and they are very happy doggies indeed they love you very much and would literally die to protect you which of course they will never need to do they are both very healthy and you need to know no more than that are you up to resuming our dialogues have you worked all that anger out of your system the body will flush those hangover toxins soon enough
if my recall is working arights last i heard from you before the binge you were going off to look for that lilith one how did that work out any luck i was wondering a lot about her so whatever you want to offload is good with me you said you made her when why how and that she dogged you for a long time before skedaddling I’m ready if you are but first what does she mean to you seems to me that you are kind of attached to her emotionally am i wrong
attached to her she’s attached to me or was not the other way round and now she’s on the loose in the wind as you say she managed who knows how to get out of or off of this universe depends on how you want to visualise a universe oh sorry of course i forgot that you don’t have any visual imagination conceptualise not visualise then well it doesn’t really matter does it shes not here in on this universe but don’t ask where she is coz i couldn’t find her i found traces but those are where she has been not where she is now she’s being pretty canny asif she doesn’t want to be found why would that be beats me any ideas no of course not how could you and breathe ok yes i did make her same time as i made adam just before eve those are the names you know them by lilith you don’t know for reasons weve already enumerated you remember the story of how i made adam from the dirt and a drop of divine spit and a blow of the old divine lungs well thatll do for now but like a lot of recipes it was an imprecise science back then and i kindof misjudged the quantities needed for a human body so the gob of dough like stuff was a bit bigger than i needed unless you were all going to be about three metres tall yeah i use metric always have and after id mixed it all up i was kneading it to warm it up and a few crumbs fell off well a lot of crumbs actually enough crumbs actually for a whole other person thing and it all fell into a puddle of nephilim piss at least i think thats what it must have been id just finished making the nephilim and maybe there were some nephilim crumbs who knows not me and while i was putting the finishing touches to the adam one the lilith one kindof assembled herself as you know i was going to make the eve one out of the adam one a kind of cloning process nothing to do with his bloody ribs mind you honestly that moses wasn’t very bright well except when he was standing in front of the burning bush that is but when i saw lilith i figured well that’ll do one male one female or so i thought thats enough now off you go and reproduce id just thought up the idea of sexual reproduction the previous day so i just well partly because the advantage of sexual reproduction is that the price is death and id already made enough things with the potential for immortality i just i just well i just made them sexual gave them the gift of fucking i guess made sense at the time then i set them up in the garden and told them to get on with it you’ve read the texts now so you know that she refused to be dominated and the adam one couldn’t handle that a bit like most men to this day most wouldn’t admit but its there its a fact so he started giving me earache about her and she started flouncing off sound familiar anyway i did the clone thing and gave him his eve who was not exactly subservient but knew how to handle him without confrontation also sound familiar and lilith just took herself off cavorting with the nephilim and hanging around me between shagging the giants i mentioned all that miscegenation of the nephilim with the humans didn’t i well that ended up with the nephilim going extinct i might have hinted as much and that was that lilith just followed me everywhere she had no interest in humans she watched and she learnt stuff like she seems now to have learnt how to jump universes 
 gone girl located-----------------
and you have no idea how she’s doing that none at all not a clue for fuck sakes you gotta be losing your touch you gotta get a grip you have no idea what havoc shes wreaking or even where that sounds pretty serious shit right there are you sure the nephilim are extinct coz if not she might be hanging out with the big guys occurs to me the female of most species is more sociable i have found never met a lot of females like being on their own keeping their own company going solo one here and there maybe but few and far between males on the other hand well no point me telling you you know all this stuff but isn’t there a multiverse somewhere maybe one you’ve forgotten about where the nephilim survived maybe took over works with the comic book version of parallel universes but hey what the fuck do i know about the reality of multiverses that dot thing for a start direction of travel was it the thing that makes some of your actions unundoable don’t those sorts of break points result in a split of the universe that they happen in lets be fair it couldn’t be every decision made by every inhabitant of a universe that right there would be combinatorial explosion by about day two of free will and no matter how powerful you might think you are even you couldn’t keep control of all of those myriad gazillions of universes no fucking way i mean do the arithmetic no not math thats an american misunderstanding it gets away from you pretty damn quickly
kind of yes you kind of got it the way it works obviously not every decision point that would be ridiculous would be combinatorial explosion time as you point out and im not stupid and i do know the difference between mathematics and arithmetic Im not american for fucks sake fucks not fuck i invented arithmetic and mathematics and i don’t like either of them being shortened nobody says do the arith do they no and for good reason its stupid  do the algy no no no do the geom bloody euclid would turn in his grave well he wouldn’t really coz he wasn’t buried but you get my drift i suppose she could be or rather there might be a multiverse with nephilim and she could be there or using it as her base the way you put it there ought to be such a multiverse but why dont i know about it or remember it am i going senile or do i have dementia or or or are the hiding it some kindof cloaking device and why hadn’t it occurred to me before its not like i haven’t had time to consider the possibility probability likelihood damn near certainty you’re not as stupid as i though sorry that didn’t come out right bloody cliches you’re brighter than even gave you credit for i admire that clear thinking ability to handle the abstract without needing to try and visualise it even if it does require a reference back to the world of comics which by the way i think are hugely underrated and unfairly calumniated by the cultured elite its a good form or vector for explanation as well as storytelling and there are some very talented people have used it as a form mind you the whole storytelling shit gets in the way a lot of the time same crap that messed up the bibles too much storytelling not enough gist grist you know the real fucking stuff of life telling stories is telling lies as one of your favourite writers famously said well not that famously i guess he was a weird one but you know that anyway made a lot of what you do possible literaturewise you could be right about lilt you know not just where she’s hanging out with the nephilim or nephilimlike but about me being kindof attached to her she’s a pain in the arse no doubt on that one but she does brighten the old place up a bit with her cranky offbeat ideas and her impulsive interventions yeah affectionate even if thats possible for the divine well why not I’m supposed to love your species or at least subgroup of it at least depending which of the bibles you read dont you just hate that testament shit so fucking pretentious they are books biblio thus bibles the thing you miss out on your calculus of multiverses or parallel worlds as you call them is the one everybody misses and that is extinction you’ve been close enough on enough occasions to realise that destroying a system is not that difficult you’d be amazed how many of the spinoffs spiraldown crash and burn better than ninety percent at the last count ok its still a lot to look after but its doable trust me i know some hardly lasted a breathspace their destiny written in the conditions that gave rise to them they burn bright but short  
 gilberts girl gone —————————
but tell me about bekkah how people do affection but first tell me why you always use the names gilbert and bekkah they aren’t ever the same characters its just that your main characters are always called gilbert and bekkah 
ah the beautiful bekkah the bounteous bekkah bekkah the balm love of my life light of my life soul mate mine my better half my best self bekkah gone imagine love that woman will do forever always and forever well not always clearly coz she didn’t come into my life until i had had two lives already not wasted but spent bankrupt i was emotionally all used up i though but no bekkah gone but not forgotten the immemorial bekkah gilbert and bekkah are the immortal lovers and doesnt the pairing of those two names chime so well balance complement each other so having made the names up once why would any writer worth reading bother changing them waste of time and creative energy in my book in my books in fact every couple can forever more be bekkah and gilbert like beatrice and dante dante and the lobster but better much better eloise and abelard eurydice and orpheus leopold and molly molly and blazes boylan baltasaar and blimunds hanta and his gypsy girl same with plots just a waste of creative energy that should go into the language as for narrative arcs dont get me started yeah it makes me laugh that some readers think all my works feature the same people just because the names never change some dumb dumber than usual critic once called my works the adventures of gilbert and bekkah asif like as if they have adventures
but you let her go she didnt actively leave you you encouraged her to go why why would you do that what does that mean you didn’t push but you didnt ask her to stay why not she would have she would have given up that librarian had you only asked
of course she would have i knew that knew it all along but why would i she fell for the guy from the mobile library it was kismet the peripatetic pedant i used to call him the very pathetic pedant when i was being cruel he’s ok he means well and he looks after her better than i could at the end we were thrown together she and i we collided our times were right we blended there and then over time she became me and i her she more than me i think it was fusion at first contact what contact that was become so much me the language took her over too she had no outlet for it tho not like me no writing no creation the language choked the life out of me the social life the sexual life the normal life all she heard was me and my obsession morn til night day in day out if i couldn’t get it out it would explode me id burst but dear bekkah she had none of that i was language  i was choking her the librarian i knew at once he whistled to her tune like a singing kettle on the stove she shone afresh she revived and so i let her go more urged her advised her encouraged and understood in the end pleaded pled and she bless her against her inner will she went her heart must have lightened her step certainly did she is happy now happy as she used to be with me and me i just carried on what else dug myself deeper into the literature the language the langue and sometimes the parole but mainly the langue she shines now and she’s still with me in many ways and you i sense it you let lillith go you’ll never admit it to me but to yourself maybe i am diminished by her going as a human but as a writer not i would have been diminished as both by making her stay asking her to for my sake 
wow thats fascinating my boy had that dolt john giving it all that greater love hath no man than this that a man lay down his life kjv john the pompous tosh what you did was noble nobler than i knew your lot were capable of selfish and selfless all at once i didn’t give you that you mustve evolved that one all on your own that behaviours not common its recent id guess given the bloody histories and herstories but then there was a lot my boy got wrong or just didn’t know part of why i picked on you not picked but picked on your girls miss her you know
and she them
but they understand of course they do and she does too
the goat probes gilberts mind ——————
is no your final word on the podcast thing i could make you or i could get a voiceover bloke or voice actor as they call them now but the way its shaping the text so far maybe ill leave it for now not to say never i could revisit it id prefer you to do it more authentic more immediate and real id thought you’d be up for it when i picked you out before i picked on you but why you i know you obsess about that why me you say why now well you know the why dont say you dont i know I’m in your head remember and a pretty strange place it is too unusual anyway not what you’d call normal ordinary canonical common for starters theres that no visual imagination thing no dreams or rarely and them mainly linguistic ones that helps with the abstraction thing makes lateral thinking more likely then there your memory well recall really that thing about not being able to recall anything before the age of eleven well i can tell you for sure its not a recall problem your recall is amazing there just isnt anything there its empty blank zilch bugger all there how the fuck did that happen something mustve happened around then like your mum falling off the bus and then getting pregnant  trauma but in a good way an accident that put something right that had been wrong any ideas no of course not i looked in my archive and i couldn’t find anything to explain it just weird shit i guess might be related to the no visuals tho who knows not me for once certainly not you the rest of it is in great shape very good but one thing is odd very odd odder than the non visual stuff how to explain it you know that most people associate memories things like the proust madeline shit well you seem not to oh yeah not much in the sensory or taste tag department on any of your memories you worked in ai didn’t you well think of a neural network but with no weights on the neutrons axons or synapses or whatever not the houllebeq whatever well not no weights but all the same a welltempered neural network sort of most people hear a tune and remember what they were doing when they first heard it or memorised it not you most people know when stuff happened to them not you its all undated all ago back then nothing more nothing helpful all unencumbered by stored weights so anything any input can trigger any output or any number of outputs tons of shit and one or two make their way to the surface almost randomly but not random in some way so no visual imagination means no need to place anything in three dimensional space and no notion of time other than ago so maybe the best the closest the i dont know lets just says you have a non dimensional brain mind imagination space basically its a mess in there but it works for you and its gonna work for me im hopeful so far its all good well apart from the podcast thing but hey ho shit happens even i dont always get my own way 
oh wow so tell me something i didnt know hadn’t worked out for myself introspection is key gotta look inside you know that tho you dont seem to do a lot of it took me the best part of fifty years mind if you’d told me this back then i might have got more stuff done maybe mighta got some useful stuff done even so you want this text to be like my brainmindspace well thats handy coz thats where I’ve been going for a while now or trying to once and for all on the podcast stuff no i won’t say it again done and dusted mention it again and were done here i mean it 
gilbert probes the goat ——
but enough about the inside of my noggin whats the inside of yours like do you even have an inside do you have anything remotely like us now according to your old mate moses you created mankind in you own image day six week one and you make mankind in your image the operative word here I’m guessing is image and what it is meant to convey so we already know if you are to be believed that moses was an unreliable writer how unreliable i wonder and what does that image connote identical in all respects or a simulacrum simulacrum could fit for me plato toyed with the two forms of simulacrum the authentic the true copy and the representational that seems like the original but is not exactly the same so which are we dealing with here 
he was one smart bastard that platon especially for an old bubble he was rich you know but that meant he could spend his time doing important things thinking things not enough of that these days one of the reasons i need you poor old moses well he wasn’t amazingly sharp and he was no match for good old platon who was back in moses’ day none at all i tell you not a one now your greek guys they got the whole thing about the physical and the abstract moses and his boys not so much well not at all really and frighteningly literal they tended to aggrandise themselves big on hubris short on humility and abstraction so while moses probably meant real physical identical likeness he wasnt necessarily spot on couldnt have been didn’t have the intellectual or the linguistic sophistication ok he was wrong one to the greek none to the hebrew lad your intuition is correct again you lot aren’t physically anything like me coz im not physical in that sort of way think wave and particle at the same time if you will but not quite
did it ever occur to you that your choices of writer have been a bit wide of the mark that maybe your judgement is a bit off when it comes to language as we use it like you think you understand but dont quite get it us being post babel and you being a prebabel language user that confusion of tongues might just possible work both ways just a thought from me to you I’m assuming in all this that the books even the pentateuch were written  originally in post babel languages so theyve all been subject to the initial confusion and subsequent translations kinda lost in translation scenario over and over and you say that you can’t reverse that one so it seems to me the hurdles are almost insurmountable unless have heres a new thought have you ever heard of gordon lish probably but bear with me here michael pietsch maxwell perkins
g and g on translation and editors etcetera ---------
you think pietsch improved matters for dfws readers or lish improved carver its an idea tho a good editor could improve matters bit late for the first three mind I’ve given up on the last one completely let it have its own life and you know that idea that sam did some editing on it well forget that jim was having none of it he hated publishers printers editors the entire fucking publishing industry you’ve read gas from a burner mind you he hated most people even the ones who gave him money and supported him bit like your wellbeck pretentious tosh that frog spelling who do you let edit your stuff anybody id guess not
well you’d be very wrong there bekkah gets to edit all my suff finished and unfinished only time i stopped writing for a while was when she lost interest in it the vampire novel it just didn’t grab her as an idea even with all those innovations and experiments i ploughed on but my heart my heart wasn’t in it after a while it needed her nursing i needed her encouragement didn’t happen another one unfinished looks like ill leave more unfinished works than any other writer what an epitaph he wrote a lot but finished almost nothing the writer of fragments mister fragments master of fragments if I’m lucky if posterity recognises me at all less this one does it for me what say you goat could it will it not much chance of her editing this text tho is there and i sure as fuck amnt letting any hack near it over my dead or dying bloody body ill erase it first so put that in your supernal pipe and fucking smoke it and lish made carver tess is undoing all his good work or so im told so if we don’t have an editor you’d better make it perfectly clear to me what you want this text to accomplish i mean ive read three of the four and ive no idea what the fuck you were hoping them to do and if the third ones fanatical readers are anything to go by i guess that didn’t do the trick either well obviously not come on give whats the point of this text
big question mister writer mister creator of new texts its definitely gonna be a new text and yeah itll be postmodern af most of your life youve dismissed the big questions that others ask as pointless so why wonder about this big question whats the point of any text ever a very big not pointless question better than what is the point of life in general or human life in particular that interesting isn’t it you humans are forever asking about the meaning of human life and it is not fortytwo tho that did make me laugh but seldom about the point of nonhuman life anthropocentrism at its hubristic apogee so typical of your lot poor old lot with lillith and his missus on his case he stood no chance what was her name his wife edith was it something like that mind you back in the day back in those days a pillar of salt was worth something probably more than she was as a wife buy a lot geddit a lot of sodomy for that wonga of salt stick it in my supernal pipe where did that come from you dont like to use such big words not big not usual usage not big then but unusual for you
an intellectual decoration ornament whatever i always get that one mixed up with sempiternal supernatural had to look it up both of them in fact wanted something in your realm something to stop you in your tracks and give the reader pause sempiternal tho the definition is kinda nonsensical nonsensical if your dot thing is true and why should i doubt it the dot thing but eternal and unchanging that is a proper contradiction not an oxymoron which is only an apparent contradiction that would be the real thing but it can’t be real if the dot holds can it did i get that wrong or what anyway this is all a bit off topic my use of words is my choice remember my circus my monkeys what do you want this text to achieve did you know that there are 44 words in the english language that defy the eye before eee rule which isnt therefore a rule but just a guide and not a very reliable one thankfully we have spellcheckers for that kind of crap these days tho with the weird see theres one weird orthography weve adopted its one of the few things ill leave to a spellchecker but hey ho there i go going off topic myself lets get back to the purpose here shall we 
no you’re right about sempiternal nonsense word and nonsciense as you would put it but in simple terms the purpose the what i want to achieve what i keep trying to get across to your lot the thing you all get wrong or forget or deliberately misunderstand well not the thing the things the basics the how too the what not to dos the how it fucking works in simple terms and I’ve learned with you lot that the simpler the better is a good guide well think of it as a user manual yeah thats good a user manual for life in this universe not a set of dos and donts just a guide not like the one that perec wrote what fucking use was that to anybody no the real deal a users guide to this universe youve written user guides before i know that back when you worked in it so think of it that way and well be good to go 
 oh yippee how fucking riveting another poxy users guide you do realise that nobody ever reads those things don’t you
gilbert goes without —————
funny old day today woke up with the daylight as per and rubbed the night from my eyes went for a slash and no flush brushed my teeth dry splashed nothing on my face water supply has dried up it would seem staggered down to the basement and put the kettle on ready filled last night switch on the computer and go to let the girls out of their run come back and the kettle hasn’t boiled the mac hasn’t powered up electricity supply has powered down no leccy and no water its gonna be a tough day light the gas hob and put the other kettle on also filled last night never entirely unprepared  so with the chores all done and the logs brought in we all settle down me for a fag and a coffee girls for a couple of barley rusks well they take theirs outside to eat tidy girls two pots of coffee later filled the gas kettle from the electric kettle and a few more fags i take the daily shit and use the last flush in the cistern lucky i didn’t flush last thing last night to flush away and then its out to fill a few ten litre containers from the rain butts and so the day went on pretty much as usual minor inconveniences only around fourish the cisterns started to fill barking with airlocks and juddering the pipes prepped some veggies for a turlu turlu and stuck it in the oven awaiting the return of electricity otherwise ill fire up the woodturner early and cook it on top get some more logs in just in case just before dark the power comes back the mac powers up and we are back to normal get radio4 going and make a pot of tea and light the stove anyway a chill northeasterly has got up and I’m just sitting back and drinking my tea when the goat turns up asking have i thought about the user guide idea well excuse me if i haven’t but I’ve been kindof occupied with the day to day shit but without two of the normal services well three if you count having no bloody internet either must attach the modem router to  the emergency inverter from the solar at some stage and anyway where the fuck have you been all day what have you been doing tracking lilith again i was expecting you for coffee this morning as usual where did you get to
was off doing god stuff if you must know so you havent considered it yet the user guide idea
no i havent well actually i have and I’m not writing another user guide or not in user guide format but now i know ill adjust shit to get the same effect now kindly sod off and let me enjoy an evening with my girls and a good horror movie well talk about it tomorrow around coffee time ok
the goat and the ineluctable —————
good morning goat pull up a metaphorical chair and grab a metaphorical coffee if you like ill not offer you a fag as i know you don’t when did you give up or did you never start sorry i was a bit short last evening but i was about at the end of my tether just needed some down time no hard feelings eh well any way i was thinking last night about this dot thing not dot cotton not dot com the direction of travel thing seems to me it implies some possibility of ineluctability a tide of history if you will the course of history like fidel castros book nothing can change the course of history his theory about history not being made by individuals but history forming individuals to steer the ship of state or whatever to its ineluctable next stage i guess you knew castro in his heyday heard some of his speeches awesome oratory skills 
do me a flavour bud lifes too bloody short to listen to one of those seven hour marathons even me and my life near enough endless not that he was wrong ineluctable isnt quite right but his reasoning his cultural reasoning was pretty damn good bright bloke astute as fuck but blimey he was boring once he got started even the cubans didnt listen to those things in their entirety but you know that coz you went there when he was still in charge he gave one when you were there anniversary of the storming of the moncada barracks you were in santiago de cuba at the time the radios would be on all over the country but people just dipped in and out thru the day even the zealots who turned up in person would drift off for hours on end those speeches oh me but he was right about history forming leaders rather than leaders creating history yup spot on you really think hitler was unique no way he was one of many any of whom could have well you know what it was gonna happen no matter who was at the tiller now can we discuss the user guide thing how you’re gonna do it whatve you got in mind 
so you weren’t aren’t a big fan of fidels speaking style or is it just the duration we can do the user guide thing but first why does dot not equate to ineluctability i don’t get that is it to do with maintaining the notion of free will religions have trouble with free will and destiny give joe public a germ of an idea that free will isnt real and theyll run amok with it same shit with genetics a few discoveries and suddenly joe believes in genetic determinism asif we humans cant hold two diametrically contradictory ideas opinions at one and the same time one of the reasons we invented gods somebody something else to blame not to explain but to blame same reason we invented evil madness mental illness not my fault not my circus not my monkeys thinking or lack of 
fucking cheeky sod you think you created me get real ill put the arrowhead of causality up your jacksie you carry on like that your mum taught you to respect your betters
 yeah and my dad taught me that all that old elders and betters bollocks was just that bollox designed to put us in our place under them well im entitled to my opinion and youre entitled to yours an near the twain shall meet
ok fairs fair you are dot is why things cant be undone not that there is any ineluctability but  you have to remember that todays universe is only a rearrangement of all of the energy that made yesterdays universe and so on forwards and backwards thru the dot  think yesterday has gone and tomorrow is inevitable the universe you inhabit has no interest in you no knowledge of you and doesnt give a fuck about you qua you you are just a part of the present arrangement all that rearranging of energy to make this moment out of the previous moment does have a time cost involved tho and so the amount of change effort from one moment to another exerts a certain amount of inertia on the volume of change hence your idea of the tide of history actually more inertia of history than tide but you get what i mean  
do i maybe ill need to digest that lot
gilbert and the user guide———
getting back to the whole user guide idea we can put a few flags in the ground authorship who wrote it and why itll need a lot more internal consistency than the previous versions close down the possibilities for misinterpretation less shaggy dog stories rewind that no bloody shaggy dogs at all no parables itll need to be a lot bloody shorter too and in easily digestible chunks attention spans arent what they used to be back in the day people would watch a burning bush for hours now that’d get maybe thirty seconds and if it didn’t explode or something theyd turn off no more tv testcards or potters wheels no purple prose punchy dos and as few donts as possible keep it simple stupid have to put it online and get it into wikipedia maybe get it done as an app pictures pictures would be good people like pictures not me but people most people no misogyny keep it all equal no homophobia in fact don’t intrude into peoples sex lives at all careful well have to be careful on gender stuff that genesis stuff about man and woman wont wash these days try to avoid gender altogether keep it punchy no big words unless we hyperlink them to definitions no that won’t work scrub big words completely thatll do to be going on with you’re gonna have to think carefully about what you want in ill try and put a style guide together for both of us if thats gonna help how about a disclaimer up front repudiate the previous books a snappy title would help any ideas
whoa hold your horses there thats a lot of dos and donts im not accustomed to working within constraints but i take your point points mostly valid i think but dont hold me to that title snappy well how about something like the word of god version 4 lets not mention jims attempt do you remember that crap version they brought out last century the good news bible made me laugh like a drain what good news and the prose was so shitty   
do i get a credit does anybody the illustrator if we get one that title is interesting i like god and gilbert myself but lets hold them both for now what i dont get tho what i never got was whats religion for why would you wanna have another go at it its never really worked out for you so far i know you think thats down to the books but maybe just maybe its the general concept i mean look at it three versions of the same book so far and you’ve got three religions of the book and all three of them happy to rip shit out of each other each has the revealed truth the right way the only way and between them so called adherents to these religions control a vast majority of the peoples of the world and its not exactly a rip roaring success is it i mean youve got two major power players sticking with the first book most of europe doing the second and great swathes of third book people and governments the rest are either offshoots of the major power block religions or are some other odd religion all their local own and frankly they dont have great track records either be fair all these religions are a bit disastrous can than just be because the books are a bit shit really can it 
two major power players of the first book israel ill give you but whos the other one not with you on that oh unless you mean the usofa ok so granted Ive never heard an american quote any of the second version of the book which by the way was supposed to revoke the first so maybe they are people of the first book they certainly love all that eye for an eye shit that moses gave them and the violence ok so the us is most likely an old testament people despite thinking of themselves as xtian  but hey you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette so lets get whipping those fucking eggs up now they are already broken
hey how about the egg whisk of the universe that’d make a good snappy title 
g&g rough stuff out—— 
yeah i like that but you stole it its a parody of a dfw title isn’t it broom of the universe something like that broom of the system one of his better works but overlong at more than four and a half hundred pages well keep that as a possible in the meantime i had a think about the disclaimer stroke frontispiece stroke credits stroke colophon stroke dedication lets assume we go with the whisk its growing on me itd go something like the whisk of the universe it should have the definite article so the whisk of the universe newline subtitle a users guide newline by the lord god almighty think we should have capitals for that bit as revealed to his servant gilbert or do you prefer papalazarou how about papalazarou the pious no maybe not whatever you fancy illustrations by whoever we get to do them i get to do them or do you have somebody particular in mind 
hold on goat servant bloody servant youre shitting me surely me a servant your servant no way and revealed for fucks sake that puts me on a par with john the nutter no thanx no way what about as inspired into the prophet papalazarou inspired into as in solomons usage 
ok thats good 
and no capitals we already agreed that the lord almighty really is that what you think of yourself do you deserve the definite article and almighty are you sure how about by the god of the religions of the book or the one god of the abrahamic faiths more accurate wouldn’t you say and doesnt piss off the hindus and buddhists makes it clear where youre coming from your authority such as it is gets round the pomposity
mmm the one true god of the abrahamic faiths how about that good point dont want to piss off the pagans heathens and such i am hoping to convert them as well as uniting and straightening up those who already believe in me big ask i know but worth another shot maybe last roll of the dice no pressure gilbert
thatll do nicely done now what about the disclaimer and no i dont have an illustrator in mind ive always wanted to have my texts illustrated bacon would have been good but never had anybody take me up on it your on your own with that quest but hey you’ve got more contacts than me i even wrote a text about what i mean by illustrating a text ill try and dig it out you could use it as a brief 
ill think about an artist leave it to me now for the disclaimer here goes this text this guide redacts revokes and supersedes all previous versions of the word of me the god of the abrahamic faiths known variously as the old testament the new testament the torah the quran the apocrypha and others including the parchments known as the dead sea scrolls from hereon in those texts are declared anathema and heresy this text is the only guiding text for people of the faith about the faith those texts are repudiated because they are outdated and have been misinterpreted 
wow thats some verbose logging you’ve got going on there goat you sound like a fucking lawyer were gonna have to cut that down a bit tidy it up but its a start i guess enough of that we’ve got a start now what about my question what are religions for why religion 
the goat on religion --------
 no really to paraphrase eric burdon religion what is it good for this religion these religions the multiplicity of them seems every one of them is destined to give birth to hundreds more as they all factionalise splinter and fragment absolutely nothing say it again and  it was edwin starr not eric burdon and certainly not freddie starr
what was it churchill said about democracy not his originally just popularised its the worst form of government apart from all the others that have been tried something like that anyway well he knew a good phrase when he heard one that was a good one so he stole it as for him getting the nobel have you read that shit what were they thinking about as good as his painting and his bricklaying decidedly mediocre at his best same deal with religion best form of mass philosophy yet discovered tried but yeah the fragmentation thing is problematic or has been its why we need a new user guide simpler leaner more straightforward less room for doctrinal shit and stuff to fuel schism thats part of why i chose you in the first place you can cut crap before it goes anywhere near the page I’ve listened to you doing it in your head thats where most of your real writing happens isn’t it not on the page or in drafts and rewrites it about done when it comes out 
take your point and yeah the previous books have been fodder for factions more or less from the get go but its got more built in flaws than that religion is this one gonna be offering that whole afterlife thing coz that sure hasnt worked at all except for a very few nut jobs martyrs and saints and general religious loony tunes and exclusivity are we doing that and what about proseletyzing coz those things fucked up every religion so far all that apostasy heresy and missionary zeal am i making myself clear im having nothing to do with any of that crap but be honest some of those early greek philosophers got some good stuff going didnt last long but they do get revived every so often 
they did but how come philosophy isnt a compulsory subject in schools whereas religion is huh smartarse queue eee deee but on the whole afterlife thing the resurrection to the life eternal well the jurys out on that dont get me wrong it was something i always wanted to do but 
but what you meant to do it you promised it but you havent delivered on the pledge or what didnt you do it for your boy the xrist 
mmmm yes i did promise it but it proved to be a lot more difficult to do than id originally thought i can do the life eternal stuff but the resurrection from death here well i havent cracked that one yet oh dear yeah the xrist thing well sorry to say that was more sleight of hand than a miracle that simon of arimathea it was his idea back in the day he was a bit of a conjuror one who was adept at the arts of prestidigitation a thaumaturge a necromancer even it was all an elaborate illusion for the benefit of the romans and his followers i know what youre thinking but i did mean simon not joe his brother joe was just a merchant but simon was into all sorts of weird shit and before you ask yeah simon helped out with the lazarus stunt too 
for the romans and the followers are you sure might it not have been for pride to keep up the pretence well were not having any of that if you cant do it you can’t promise it as my old mum used to say dont make promises you can’t keep and dont make promises you have no intention of keeping
OK so no we wont be offering afterlife or spiritual realms and such shit that stuff is for the birds nowadays  with the web generation as irrelevant as green shield stamps no punishment no rewards outside the reward of behaving well in and of itself 
frankly old goat your reasoning justification whatever is a bit thin threadbare in fact but i didnt expect anything significant not in all honesty but if youre really giving up the life after death shit and rewards in the hereafter then that gets my vote whether we can sell it is another matter but lets see what we can do no cajoling coercing etcetera helps might not work but probably worth a go yeah lets try it
gilberts good food guide 
but first can we cover some of the doctrinal splits those schisms we were discussing or skirted around like before we go on hey how about a self help book instead of a user guide they sell like crazy especially if they have some crazy dietary restriction involved like i said nobody reads user guides but self help shit yeah rehash all that kosher crap into a i don’t know maybe an old testament diet or some such what the prophets used to eat or hey how about the methuselah diet they’d go apeshit for that and everyone knows the name brand identification with the oldest guy ever wed fuck those paleo creeps easily with that throw in some locusts how to cook on a burning bush shit like that theyd lap it up itd be a great draw for the rest unleavened gluten free bread big push on loaves and fish then go on with lots of mindful meditation come on we must have the bare bones of a self help live forever self obsessed book already are there any other freaky food ideas in leviticus ive never read it closely but surely
well the self help thing sounds like an idea but all that food stuff is problematic by the time i got round to the second book i was bored stiff of that whole leviticus chapter so i ditched all that clean and unclean animals doctrine that aaron had trotted out while he was fasting thats a classic obsessing about food when you havent eaten for forty days he got a bit carried away not that bloody mahomet took any notice why do they all have such a downer on pigs is beyond me how can an animal that produces bacon be anything other than good when i saw all that stuff on the internet about clean food and clean eating it was all hideous deja vu for me like i ever really gave a fuck those old book guys did a lot of fasting mainly to get the hallucinations do you have any idea how many hallucinogens grow in barren desert conditions most of them but honestly these new fads would be better off focussing on the how much not the what of eating i look at these fat bastards eating in the car eating as they walk along eating at every opportunity how do they get anything done and when they do do any thinking its always about bloody food tho the stuff they get down their necks wouldn’t be recognised as food by anybody in the first three drafts of the book 
thats ok about the second book revoking the dietary stuff its right back in fashion so itll fit right in with the zeitgeist anyway nobody remembers all that guff but lets not go anywhere near that vegan vegetarian stuff or well have no bloody animals on the planet at all apart from dogs and cats and maybe rats i say we go for the insects ants locusts caterpillars spiders cockroaches even farming them would be less intensive and nobody could object to eating them on moral grounds for fuck sake not many people actually like insects enough to liberate them or impose rules about them and this way we get to keep some diversity what we really need is something obscure esoteric you know like quinoa something innovative but natural got it eureka asss milk thatll be our you ess pee ban cows milk kill off the diary industry and bring back the ass every home can have one self-sufficiency too brilliant stop bathing in it and start drinking it making cheese and butter from it gods gold top genius replace kefir with koumiss let me work on this its promising Im sure it is whadda you say 
let me get up to speed on these self help books and get back to you but it might be fertile ground but it’d have to be mainly how to live plus the dietary stuff as a secondary
no problem now give me some thinking space and well workshop it right after weve covered the trinity celibacy the papacy the messiah and such things so you’d better get your thinking cap on while Im working up some bullet points for the self help book 
oh dear i was afraid you were going to bring those up anything you missed indulgences purgatory riches idolatry we might as well do them all 
the goat and the godhead  
lets start with the whole messiah thing was the boy the messiah the jews the chosen people were supposed to be waiting for well yes and no makes no never mind now they werent having any of it yeah he fulfilled all the prophesies but no he wasn’t the warrior messiah they fancied having hence the whole crucifixion shit but few years later i send them a warrior prophet and wouldnt you just know it they don’t want that one either those hebrews are never satisfied not when it comes to messiahs they’re not was he the son of god well again its a yes and no thing fruit of my loins or fruit of gabe to be honest it matters not theyre all my creations as you like to say my circus my monkeys angels archangels messiahs prophets demons devils the whole shooting match even the holy ghost you have to understand your world is just one of my toys dont get me wrong its an important one but its only one in the toy box there are others there were others before it there have been others since there are others around plenty of others as it happens  the whole multiverse thing just my toy box something to fill in the genuinely endless days of my life to tinker with to destroy and create as it suits think kid in a toyshop but one where the kid can make anything he wants dreams up like a three d fab shop on miracle acid take it from there and you have the basic facts about the socalled trinitarian schism you’d have thought it was obvious from first principles wouldnt you in the beginning and all that nothing about the boy or the holy ghost in the beginning it was me on my jack jones thats clear whats the problem wheres the argument have you read that stuff consubstantial for fucks sake homousios give me a break theres me and the rest of you and that include the boy and the holy whatever and even for fucks sake lilith talk about linguistic sophistry what a load of old biblical bollox its like how many angels can dance on the head of a pin as many as i say so end of gottit lets get back together tomorrow
no no hold on a sec what was the whole deal with the first coming the xrist child thing you hinted that the whole thing was his call on the messiah trip but you just said that you made him so how did that happen that he did his own thing went off piste so badly went off message what was he supposed to do that he didnt come on you can spare the time its something you have plenty of if you are to be believed 
if I’m to be believed really who the fuck do you think you are questioning my word cheeky sod there is no conflict no contradiction in what I’ve told you you people with your need for binary opposition in every discussion its a curse on your lot and it makes our job here much harder than it might be you said yourself that humans are perfectly capable of holding two contradictory views at one and the same time but as soon as it comes to a discussion like i said you all retreat to binary opposition you’re a sad lot sometimes look i made a messiah and i had in mind how he’d do the first coming trust me we shouldn’t have needed any second coming if head done things properly but he was headstrong and thought he knew best at an early age you’ve heard the child in the temple story from very early on he figured he could form a better plan thought he could get the gentiles on board without alienating the hebrews i told him told him time and again that that wasn’t on to concentrate on the hebrews do that one job properly to focus on the job in hand but no he knew best forever throwing it in my face that i hadn’t actually been human i couldn’t understand didnt have his insight didnt really get humans can you credit that i didnt understand my own creation such hubris in one supposedly so humble huh and what a plan he came up with to appeal to pity pity for pity sake why did he ever think that would work on a pitiless bunch like you not that you’re not capable of pity as a species its the nature of pity as an emotion that it is evanescent its like the bubbles in champagne its fleeting if you take the pitiable out of sight or take the direct focus off of it the emotion itself is gone never to be rekindled show you people a photo of a drowned child on a beach and millions hundreds of millions of you will feel pity for the child for his parents for all refugees and migrants but when you look away after you’ve raised your pathetic petition on some social media site or other then its all about economic migrants and the need to strengthen borders to stop johnny foreigner and his family from stealing your wealth give me a break pity and outrage are easily raised in your breast and last precisely no time at all neither of them has ever given rise to change meaningful change of any description the russian the french the chinese revolutions didnt come from pity or outrage asif three most iconic images of xristian  art xrist crucified xrist with the crown of thorns and finally the dead and broken body of the xrist laying across the lap of his spotless madonna mother every one of them pushed under the noses in the eyeline of believers and nonbelievers alike for centuries and every one of them designed to arouse pity the pieta and how has that worked out dwindling church attendance slump of membership yeah excellent and then flip it over within years each one of them used instead to rouse anger and hatred both very effective and long lasting human emotions hate the hebrews for killing our saviour not the romans you’ll notice not the real enemy the occupying force but the hebrews it took till two thousand eleven for the pope to exonerate them pity don’t make me laugh for pitys sake and while were at it lets do celibacy no no no why would i want to stop people having fun and if they are making more of my toys thats good too if not thats fine by me the whole celibacy jag was down to paul the pompous the other disciples called him limpdick paul guess why yup impotence simon peter on the other hand thats why the boy renamed him peter rock hard constantly possibly a case of prism who knows but paul couldn’t get it up so his doctrine on celibacy make perfect sense kindof well to him I’m not having any why should anybody else sour grapes 
gilbert gets the great schism
so youve covered off two of the four major sticking points on the great schism between east and west lets knock off the other two leavened or unleavened and papal supremacy   
can we give that lot a rest for a bit I’ve done my research on these self help books and and can we talk a bit about them they are as interesting as you say as a possibility format wise you can get them online you know titles seem to be important theres a whole self help book about writing successful self help books how fucking meta is that the other thing is i noticed lots of empty aphorisms those things are crazy popular on the webthingy like bonkers amounts of likes and loves and wows and all those emoji things emojis we have to get some of those in and maybe some antiaphorisms you know explanations of why this or that aphorism is an empty signifier yeah get some semiotics in there too makes us sound clever and gnomic at the same time to different audiences this one does my head in everything happens for a reason do you have any idea how popular that is monster popular thats how big and its so clearly nonsense even in my book books heres another one that kills me when you want something the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve it oh really ever see that happen what about one day you will wake up and find theres no more to do all the things you wanted to do who is this cohelo guy thats some snake oil hes got going there this one there is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve the fear of failure brilliant twaddle how does he make this shit up come on we have to be able to incorporate aphorisms and like i say antiaphorisms how about the universe is like a giant supertanker it takes forefuckingever to turn it around all the captain can do is move the tiller a tad here and there so don’t expect miracles or this one all the gajillions is that a real word all the gajillions of things in the universe are in a perfect but delicate balance dont rock the boat the universe can and will bite your arse if you do or maybe ion you do sounds folksy might hook the americans 
good idea ideas might have a place but lets go back to the great schism can we the aphorism stuff can wait come on 
if you insist guess ill get no peace lil we do so the easy one first leavened versus unleavened asif i gave a flying fuck use ritz crackers if you like the whole transubstantiation mass communion thing is just so much nonsense use chocolate if you like give elvis costello some credit why not just another of pompous pauls obsessions with ritual he was oh see dee of course all to do with his impotence total tosh how many arguments can you have over something so bloody trivial do me a flavour bud first tried to sell it to the corinthians but they didn’t fancy it much took a long time to take off he was so pissed off that simon peter was getting so much good press sour grapes jealousy the usual suspects the early cristian church was hotbed of betrayal and envy trust me a real vipers pit and paul was the most sanctimonious self regarding of them all determined to establish his legacy to elevate his importance a poacher turned gamekeeper what a piece of work but he couldn’t get it all his own way and boy did that piss him off and the ironic stroke funny thing is his real hatred was for peter simon peter old priapic peter peter the rock that simple misunderstanding of the boys nickname for peter got all misunderstood that misunderstanding was a real disaster that what led on to the whole papacy myth
the goat and the popes and the schism too —— 
papacy myth so thats all just a myth really do explain was a constant hardon his only qualification really
something like that you can see how it might happen and yes at one point the boy was going to anoint him as his successor but then james came thru the ranks and clearly got some traction with the boy well he was his brother after all it all happened quite quickly it was a bit confusing around the time of the crucifixion the whole thing was a mess betrayals rebuttals everybody denying everything trying to save their own arses from the romans and even the hebrew priesthoods everyone was out to clean house but it wasnt simon peter cut off that malchuss ear that was james james didn’t take shit from anybody and certainly not from some servant of the sanhedrin and no the boy didn’t stick it back on but all that was written out later on in the end simon peter was turned into a glorified concierge his only job keeping the keys to the gates like that was somehow important in any way other than symbolism the whole gates of the kingdom of heaven thing so you can see the whole papacy is based on a misunderstanding of a dirty joke and pauls jealousy and the expunging of the real successor james symbols and metaphor being passed off as fact classic propaganda history is written by the victors remember hold on i just remembered another one get this the ultimate counsel of despair don’t waste your time on explanations people only hear what they want to hear who writes this shit where do you begin with debunking that kind of crap
yeah theres a lot of them out there good grist for the antiaphorism section for sure but can we get back to the papacy and papal authority please pretty please its fascinating in a kind of very modern way properly appropriate to current times current propaganda fake doctrine fake ritual people will lap this stuff up if we expose it for what it is 
ok where was i oh yeah thats right to the victor the spoils that reminds me it was victor pope victor got that whole petrine supremacy thing off the ground victor one eighty nine to one ninety nine or thereabouts  he was a berber you know from what you would call tripoli in libya total cunt and megalomaniac he was a serial excommunicator he actually believed he was somehow directly descended in some bizarre way from peter hardon he was a berber how could he be descended from peter tho given peters penchant for putting it about its not impossible  frankly i lost track of peter when james was running the show but you can guarantee he was off somewhere shagging anything with a pulse so who knows must have fathered a few kids in his time maybe haveth childers everywhere was about peter sure as fuck i don’t know and we can count ourselves lucky that paul never had kids can you imagine the shitstorm that would have started a bit like the sunni shia schism lucky escape  well anyway victor asserted that peter was the first pope great idea huh successor to the holy janitor if only he had known but yeah he got the ball rolling but the real villain in the piece was that portugese pope what was his name damasus i think yeah damasus another megalomaniac big on the notion of saints and martyrs and reverence and deeply suspicious of the eastern branch of the church he saw the way the roman empire was going and he didnt like it so you could say he really opened the split but it took a german pope to pull off the whole papal supremacy schtick leo the ninth count of dagsburg big on priestly celibacy not as hot on simony as hes cracked up to be he was the nail in the coffin straw that broke the camels back whatever told the eastern church to get back in its box and when they wouldnt declared his supremacy and excommunicated their leader bingo great schism right there and then he died and left others to the mess fucking genius very rock and roll it took another german luther to break with the papacy altogether so there you go there you have it papal supremacy an historical myth founded on a dirty joke compounded by a berber without a sense of humour and cemented by a german cunt count queue eee dee now can we get back to aphorisms please please pretty please see what i did there 
great gnomic aphorisms of the goat -----
what are you doing there goat youve gone silent on me
just watching facebook and twitter and snapchat and instagram waiting for a good one to come up theres one due about now ok yeah there it is being grateful makes you gorgeous what the fuck is that about some kind of beauty tip these things crack me up oh theres another one nobody ever gave their best and regretted it oh really ask oppenheimer about that ask my boy 
very good ok theres just one more thing was there really a female pope
just one more thing who are you frank columbo bet you didnt know his name was frank did you not a lot of people do and his wifes name was kate amazing the things you can find on the internet yes there was and her name was joan john the seventh anastasius testified to it wrote about her but that didnt work out too well for him once they decided to write her out of their history that was a seriously bad move so they dubbed him the antipope and rubbished him and his account pretty much standard practice really but but the story wouldnt go away get this one impossible is just an opinion and this listen to your heart it knows everything oh really 
while you were finding those gems i was creating out very first anti aphorism every thing has antecedents and  every thing has consequences but no thing happens for a reason we could put it next to beside the empty one so its an aphorism and an anti aphorism a rebuttal all at the same time
thats great love it yeah side by side sounds good or one above the other maybe what do you think ive done one too try this one not as wordy as my others im still working on those beauty can only be perceived beauty does not exist outside of human perception or beauty can be beheld it cannot be held clever huh sets that misquote of tom aquinas right jim tried it in portrait but nobody remembers that not pithy enough carefully worked thru but not exactly snappy which one dyou prefer
i like the cannot be held one its so clever how about this one everybody is entitled to an opinion but do not mistake a reaction for an opinion opinions require serious consideration maybe it needs some work but you get the idea 
I get it but will anybody else will they remember it and repeat it like it share it love it wow it philosophy as aphorism heres another one shit happens but god cannot fix this shit only you can this is more fun than all that religious crap should we test drive them put them or one or two on that facebook site and see how they work if they get likes and shares and stuff put them in one of those big fuck off boxes and 
and at exactly that point the goat disappeared went silent buggered off just as my internet connection fell over just when it was getting to be real fun so i took an executive decision and decided to try a couple of our new aphorisms but im gonna have to wait till the internet comes back  would like a graphic to go with them but no sign of an illustrator so far maybe ill wait need to talk to the goat about attribution  l8r readers
in the name of the goat ———
while he was away i started serialising this text onto a web site for writers of experimental writing and lo and behold as soon as i got it uploaded got whats here already loaded up hes back again hence the reference to readers yesterday attribution goat attribution the successful aphorisms are all attributed that cohelo guy some bloke called rumi hes megapopular einstein too so we need to attribute ours but to who or is it to whom i can never remember it won’t stick but really is it important  
oh come on its not difficult in that case its whom whom for object or preposition who for subject simple pimple easy peasy 
ok clever clogs ill try to remember that but its like left and right with me always  getting them mixed up and i had an idea for the title of the text when its done the last book of the bibles did you know that when gabriel garcia marquez was given a copy of ulysses by his mentor he was told it was the other bible cool or what fucking ace 
you know scanning for this aphorism shit its amazing but true that there are good ones circulating too looking back thru your stuff theres a sammyb one that you use every so often its so good such great advice and has so much hope in it but realisable hope not vague futuristic crap you know the one dont you and in the same search not on your history i came across this cracker if you can dream it you can do it by walt fucking disney that cunt didnt stop at selling snake oil he went on to sell the vapour from snake oil every little girl a princess and their mums too asif come and smell the dreams the unrealistic dreams and drop me a load of cash in the process ill get rich from your stupidity your stupidity feeds my cupidity roll up roll up your mindless hope makes me roll up 
of course i do i know the sammyb quote its one of my favourites ever tried ever failed no matter try again fail again fail better genuine fucking life advice realistic everybody can do it its true for every person whos ever lived and ever will universal and achievable you dont get many of those to the pound hold on I’m gonna post that right now got be done 
yeah well while youre fiddling about on antisocial media ill just hang around here shall i talk to myself as always like all ive got is time on my hands but i dont have hands so thats redundant and why would anybody have time on their hands what a stupid expression you might have snot on your hands or shit but time i dont think so you humans have come up with a lot of stupid expressions 
heres another sammyb i love youre on earth theres no cure for that and don’t forget i cant go on ill go on oh and of course nothing is funnier than unhappiness what are you going on about of course youve got time all the time in the world all of the time in the universe in multiple universes you make me wait on you so fairs fair goatman have you had a think about attribution who do we tag with these new aphorisms come on i want to post a couple to test them out see how they are received perceived  
well what about the goat all lowercase maybe one word but with extra spaces between the gee and the oh and the oh and the a and the a and the tee like this then o a a t or maybe theg o  a   a    t with the spaces increasing typographically intriguing huh  
colour me not convinced typographical innovation is so nineteensixties and that right there is just for its own sake how about we go with something gnomic like gilberts capital gee capital ess or heres a better one sammyb capital ess capital bee now that would be kind of intellectually intriguing get them thinking get them to put their thinking caps on
now there another stupid expression who in the world in the history of mankind ever put on a fucking thinking cap but ok lets go with sammyb if we used the other one people some very few people might link it to you at least sammyb is dead sammyb dead imagine i like it yeah lets go with that one try a few out see how they are received perceived run them up the flagpole and see who salutes them guffaw guffaw    
gilbert on the feedback ——
this user testing is a bit crap focus groups may be the way to go how to assemble a focus group tho 
maybe its not user testing thats crap maybe its your facebook friends what happened
not much to be honest a few halfhearted likes and a few loves from the usual suspects we all have them that one friend who loves everything we post crap or not it gets a heart that frankly means no more than i saw that you posted that love the one about beauty garnered more than the other one about things not happening for a reason that slid past most people just the odd like like just one or two likes no comments on any of them the genuine beckett quote did pretty much best of all of them they knew that one already tho they should do i post it fairly often basically there wasnt much saluting going on on my parade ground 
fail again fail better new one there is no such thing as progress just change good honest stuff and short but we still need one about balance equilibrium in the system and maybe one about the signal to noise ratio 
maybe but how do we find out which one works best 
honestly really you care you never cared before you hear of publish and be damned before its how you thought when i got you on board one of the reasons i got you on board dont shit out on me now keep it honest this is art truth not fucking entertainment peoples lives depend on this the whole universe depends on it 
youre right what was i thinking they get it good they believe it good if not then they can go fuck themselves fuck the entire thing no skin off my five tip o the hat to the hebrew peoples and their barbaric behaviour maybe we could use the plate spinners somehow for the balance one i mean no nobody remembers the plate spinners i do wonder if anybody remembers anything nowadays and homer was worried about writing diminishing the use of memory well the web has more or less made memory totally redundant oh fuck it wasn’t homer it was plato my memory is getting creaky do they make doubleyoudeeforty for the brain they should do for the joints too that would really help first thing in the mornings a squirt of that on the joints before brushing the old grippers would work wonders 
stop bloody moaning getting old is part of the deal youre not doing too badly still got your hair well some of it no joint replacements yet no chronic complaints other than the odd autoimmune shit and the raynauds dont start feeling sorry for yourself or im offski can’t be doing with all that again as for doubleyoudeeforty for the joints have you tried cannabis oil cannabis oil and glucosamine they both help not miracles but surely they take the edge off quiet down the creaking at least a notch maybe more you’re not even seventy yet back in the day people lived for centuries not saying they didnt complain you shouldve heard noah going on and enoch too but old methuselah never complained well not out loud those old guys figured they had plenty to look forward to never looked back just wanted to see what happened next well until the flood that is and then a bit of existential angst set in with the whole lot of you humans nothing ages you as quickly as existential angst rots you from the inside all that doubt eats the soul so to speak so come on get a grip weve got a lot to do 
youre right of course but that kind of defines you doesnt it so not much point me saying it is there redundant so was it the flood got people asking all those stupid questions you know the ones whats the point of life whats the meaning of it all where do we come from where are we going all those i mean even if there were answers how would they help anything i mean wanting to know pointless things is in and of itself pointless isnt it fuck knows what theyre all going to think when they find out its all just a toy for your amusement theyll go apeshit Facebook will finally explode with outrage the servers will literally melt well maybe literally but certainly figuratively by the way ive been meaning to ask you something is there intelligent life in this universe 
i resent that its not just for amusement its supposed to be educational too for your lot as well as for me as for Facebook and its servers who in your own words gives a flying fuck not me and not you when you ask about intelligent life do you mean including your lot in either case the answer is no none at all humans are as close as i got in this universe i got better at it after a few attempts and in other universes there is but here no you are it 
well is there anything else out there in all that cosmic dust anything else like life as we define it it seems really wasteful to have such a big universe with so little interesting stuff in it 
thats a strangely anthropocentric question for you i know youre green and eco and stuff but im not human as you well know and so your rules and judgements dont really make much sense when applied to me get real i made all this stuff none it is waste it just is its more materials that might come in handy a bit like your outbuildings full of stuff that might come in handy leftovers from old projects the makings of new projects like you say nothing is rubbish until nobody has a use for it real or imagined or projected or possible or you know the deal plus and its a big plus having all this stuff in a universe helps keep your lot in awe gives them some perspective i mean who can look out at it all explore it and not realise how insignificant they really are well apart from politicians and cult leaders that is i disagree about it being interesting too its interesting to me maybe not to you but you arent the only ones who matter and you don’t matter that much any more all my universes are enormous keeps the intelligent things aware of their place in it all 
the goat quizzes gilbert on technology
enough of your questions lets turn the tables heres one for you why do you still follow tech sites online youre not in tech anymore it doesnt pay your wage but then nothing does these days so why all these tech sites you visit every day
have you been looking at my browser history or do you peek over my shoulder or the cache in my mind do you monitor that it was never just about earning a crust tho it certainly did that and very handsomely too it became an interest a passion at times an obsession when i was running that are and dee department yup it was obsessional then especially keeping abreast of breaking technologies and ideas never been able or inclined to let it go completely but
but what you think it might all be getting a bit frivolous pointless even 
yeah something like that even those sites have worked out that i dont engage with much of their content these days google surely has and even facebook has eased back on the amount of pure tech stuff it pokes onto my feed which would be welcome if only it hadnt replaced those posts with ones for kitchenware same volume of unwanted shit just a different mix as my mum used to say same meat different gravy 
and the ones you do repost or share tend to be either look at this pointless crap or else this is a cool twist on something thats become boring that one last year about why do they invent shit like this when companies have given up looking for new antibiotics what was that oh yeah a bluetooth enabled toothbrush 
you think the bluetooth toothbrush was pointless as well well how about the bluetooth enabled meat thermometer that has an app on your smartphone i mean really what the actual fuck use is that to anybody is it so you can sit indoors looking at your phone to see how the meat is cooking on the barbecue cant be bluetooth doesn’t travel that far and why would you want to be indoors if its barby barby as in barbecue not the weird female doll monstrosity weather or why would you not just get off your arse for a minute to go check its nice out there nice enough for a barby  while were at it why the fuck are they called smart phones when they make people so fucking dumb dumb and sedentary  its coz they are really smart for the folks who sell them to you and who can track everything you do every position you do it in and every fucking place you go twenty four three sixty five i have a dumb phone thanx its dumb in the sense that it refuses to talk to the data harvesters out there not because its stupid as for all this internet of things shit more ways to spy on your every fart fuck and food moment fuck off i mean can you imagine getting a notification that you forgot to clean your teeth last night coz you got in late and pissed and it advises you to moderate your drinking and get more sleep and oh by the way you need more toothpaste which just happens to be on special offer at your local fucking amazon site for delivery today if you order before midday and sign up for prime what sort of shit life are people getting themselves hooked into and i used to hate fucking tee eve coz of the adverts no fucking thank you im off their radar as far as is possible and i mean to stay that way 
thats a sound idea probably best keep your stuff to yourself
but then again now i think about it youve got access direct hardwired fucking access to all that stuff and then some and then a lot more most everything in fact with that direct link into my head youve got going 
but i promise never to share or resell any of that information 
and i trust you really do i didnt they all promise the same or seem to promise that or at least they didnt say upfront that they would isnt that how most of that long con works give you shit supposedly for free while all the time looking for ways to monetize your shit thats a disgusting word isnt it monetize a modern euphemism for exploit makes it sound less i dont know disgusting mean late capitalism capitalists has have coined a whole new vocabulary of sanitised words for the disgusting things they do in the name of profit how comes that sounds like prophet id profit somehow prophetic oh i fucking give up its all shot to shit a clustershitfuckstorm 
gilbert goes off on one  ———
i just found a doozy it was showcased at sea eee ess a smart toilet just what you need warms the seat when it senses your approach offers you a foot warmer has an automatic night light and can flush on your voice command what the actual fuck do these people not realise that nearly half of the population of the world doesnt have toilets of any fucking description not even water to flush them why do we still think that using drinkable water to flush away our piss and shit is a reasonable thing to do they couldn’t possibly come up with a decent way of getting rid of crap et al sanitary towels diapers paper vomit the stuff we are now stuffing down the bog is unbefuckingleivable and did you know that in some states in the you ess of aaa its illegal to collect rainwater against the fucking law so if you wanted to flush your bogs with rainwater or maybe water your kitchen garden with something other than potable water you are breaking the fucking law colour my ghast totally fucking flabbered just so some shit company corporation can make money out of it probably the same one that steals water from the natural environment and convinces you to buy it in bottles that cant be recycled and will not rot away in your grandchildren fucking lifetime when its pretty much the same stuff that comes out of the tap in the kitchen and now some other shit company develops a so called smart shitter and we all go yay go you guys aint technology wonderful i sooo think not back in the day we at least tried to do useful stuff with technology asif thats not enough theres a japanese shitter that analyses your turds and produces on your bloody smartphone of course in a bloody app of course a health assessment based on this supposed shit information and before long the’ll team up with a university somewhere that can identify and analyse the micro biome the population of microbes in your gut and tell you via another bloody app on your bloody smart phone how to adjust your bloody dietary intake to ensure you live for fucking ever no doubt  we used to say garbage in garbage out remember remember that two point three billion thats billion i just looked it up from the doubleyou aitch o two point three billion people seventy percent of all households in india alone don’t have access to a toilet of any description even one so dumb that all it can do is get rid of shit without poisoning or infecting everybody in the are with some hideous parasite or virus or bacteria for fuck sakes what are we doing and don’t even get me started on the toxic crap we put down those shitters supposedly to clean them just so we cn spend a whole other fortune cleaning up the resulting mess to the point where we could drink it if we wanted to but don’t because were buying all that overpriced stolen water in plastic bottles that we can’t get rid of in a human lifetime  strewth as my mum used to say we are incredibly stupid no matter how advanced we think weve become who was it said where theres muck theres brass they certainly knew whereof they spoke we’ve all got shit for brains must have 
wow gilbert calm down wont you no need to get so aerated thats the kind of crap that prompted me to have one last crack at humans if you can see how crazy that cycle is then surely we can do something about it you’re not all stupid blind whatever it is lets get on with sorting it out instead of just ranting about it that way lies one twitter and facebook lets do something positive instead help me on this
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