Before we go any further, I need to point out that I am not solely responsible for this collection.

I am happy to accept the blame, but insist on sharing it with my sons and co-collaborators:

Alex diMascio

Jamie diMascio

I know! A book about the English language written by Italians. Whatever next?

This book is dedicated to:

Tim Vine. A true genius and inspiration

nnn and nnn who proof read it for us

The following is an in-depth, thoroughly researched piece of work, in which my family and I investigate the incongruities of the English language

Namely; a list of puns - wittisisms if you will, jokes, gags, jests, quips, jibes, wisecracks, one liners but most importantly, a play on words.

Some may be a little simple, some obscure. Some a tad tenuous to say the least....(some may be even a touch plagiarised) (If there is any plagerism, we apologise unreservedly. It's genuinely not intentional!)

We hope they will bring a smile, or at least a groan...

Enjoy

1. The sign on the toilet door states "please do not put sanitary disposables down the toilet" - I thought there was no sanitary clause
2. I used to go out with a mathematician but she dumped me. She said it wasn't working out
3. The builder was sacked but he sued the company for constructive dismissal
4. My friend put a face visor over his toilet. He was trying to mask the smell
5. A few years ago I went to live in a cave. I was in a dark place back then
6. Floral aerosols are ok but I'd much rather have a spray of flowers
7. There's a new invention for slicing spice seeds. Personally I don't think it'll cut the mustard
8. Do clairvoyants have their steaks cooked medium?
9. The big paint tin mystery. It's about time someone lifted the lid on this issue
10. Coffee or tea? I'd choose the latte
11. Why did the hen cross the road hesitantly? Because she was chicken
12. It was a very badly behaved train; it went off the rails years ago
13. I didn't want him to tell me a story but we tossed a coin and it came down tales
14. Would you call a particularly dextrous eagle talonted?
15. I don't want a "Next" shirt; I want the one after that
16. There was an ambitious lion actor who wanted to see his mane up in lights
17. That annoying piece of glass in a half round opening was a pane in the arch
18. I thought about becoming a mirror salesman, but on reflection...
19. "Look" I said; "the road's encrusted with sapphires!" "Don't worry" he said "it's just a jewel carriageway"
20. I looked up and saw thousands of numbers and letters in the sky. Someone must have uploaded their data to the cloud
21. After the ice cream van accident, the road had to be coned off
22. He insisted on writing his horror novel in a cold room. "I'm just chillin'" he told us
23. He was the only one with four wooden legs so he was asked to chair the meeting
24. I plunged my hands into the fruit cream dessert. I felt such a fool
25. Rubbing two surfaces together? That's science friction