Whenever we've suffered a big traumatic event, we will avoid talking about what happened. To revisit the event is to summon up all those tsunami-like feelings that can overwhelm us. And who wants that?

But in highly traumatized people, this avoidance of thoughts and feelings stops them from seeking therapy and getting the help they need. They can't talk about what happened to them with loved ones and friends, who could offer them the healing support they so desperately need. And the fear of being forced to face their traumas with a therapist stacks on even more layers of fear. Trying to keep the pain of the trauma away results in the rejection of the help needed to heal it and keeps the pain of the trauma in place.

Kindling

This inability to talk about traumatic thoughts and feelings also relates to an effect called "kindling." A traumatic event triggers thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactions in response to the event. Kindling occurs when these primary responses slowly begin to draw related emotions and thoughts into a vortex-like structure of trauma. As the vortex grows, it begins sucking in unrelated emotions and thoughts. Soon, not only is the traumatic event something that can't be talked about but also other huge areas of life that have nothing to do with the trauma. This growing avoidance isolates the sufferer socially as they have less and less they can talk about.

Having done Family and Systems Constellations for many years, I've come across many people who had no relationships with those fathers who had gone to war. The trauma of combat had prevented these men from talking about what had happened. Eventually, their silence grew to the point where they couldn't talk about any feelings at all and withdrew emotionally from their families. The original trauma had kindled into a raging complex that devoured many other feelings and emotions. They were described as unemotional, unavailable, withdrawn, or "not there."

Another way this avoidance pattern manifests is in the treatment that is sought for the trauma. Instead of searching for good trauma therapy, many with deep trauma wounds will seek spiritual or alternative methods of healing where they don't have to address their traumas directly. Rather than talk about their issues, they prefer to let someone flow energy to them or "bring down the light that will dissolve all traumas from this and all past lives," and on and on. These may offer temporary relief but nothing long-term.

If you were unfortunate enough to experience a significant trauma, ask yourself:

To what extent do I avoid talking about what happened to me?

Do I rarely talk to people about my life at all?

Do I avoid conversations about similar events that may have happened to other people?

Does the thought of telling my story to a therapist fill me with dread?

Do I think that people just won't understand, so why talk about it?

If you really pause and answer these questions truthfully, you may find that you answered "yes" to several of the questions but have no memory of a specific trauma. Amnesia is the ugly stepsister of trauma. We may have all the patterns of avoidance and isolation that is prevalent with trauma but no memory of a specific event. Memory is not necessary for a traumatic experience to linger and kindle. Withdrawing from others can be a sign that you suffered a trauma therapy for PTSD .