My sister Monica had one boyfriend who was a really nice guy, but a liar. Full disclosure: I dated him first. No, there wasn’t any overlap. But it was actually pretty close - he started dating Monica pretty quickly after we stopped dating. But anyway - with the knowledge I had from having dating him before, we caught him in a few lies. It was strange - we couldn’t determine any reason for the lies. It was like lying for sport.

Another thing he did that drove us nuts was speak in outline form. And not only did he speak in outline form, he didn’t follow the correct outline format for each conversation.

Doug: “So, if you want to know the reasons for improving Indianapolis roads, in my opinion they are: 1) for the safety of our citizens and B) to help our cars last longer.”

Monica or Me: “But you .. You said .. One, then .. You’re supposed to ..”

It was really frustrating. He did it all the time. So now, as a humorous nod to Doug, Monica, Martie and I routinely use “Doug’s Method” of speaking in (incorrect) outline form.

My coworker Julie often ensnares me in her web of conversation. It is extremely difficult to pry myself out of it. All of the members of our department are skilled at avoiding the web. They are not skilled at removing themselves from the web, because that’s impossible. Once you’re in, you’re in for the long haul.

Another facet of conversation with Julie is that she is very prying. She would like to know every detail of your life. She will then exploit it for your later humiliation and demise. But that’s another story.

So conversations basically go like this - I ask a question, and Julie answers and asks a polite question back. I avoid giving Julie any information about myself by then asking her another question about herself, which works perfectly — “perfectly” being a dual-edged sword: I get out from under her microscope, but then, I’m in the web.

Me: “How are you?”

Julie: “Ohhh,, well .. Ok.”

Me (insane for asking): “How was your night?”

Julie: “Well, I worked until 7:30. I know I shouldn’t have. I just got started on doing grades and I lost track of time. I didn’t eat lunch until 7. I had ordered from Donato’s earlier and they had lost my order. They lost it and then I lost track of time and forgot about it. I called them at 6:30 to check on why I hadn’t gotten my food. They realized it and then they delivered it. I got a large veggie. I know I shouldn’t get a large, but it’s a better deal. And I’m getting all those vegetables. And I have some left for supper. So it works out better that way. So I ate and then I finished the grades. I got out of here about 7:30. I locked up and walked over to my car. So then last night I just slept. I just slept and slept. I laid down on the couch and turned on the news and just went to sleep. I DID NOT EVEN GET UNDRESSED. I did not put my PJs on. I just slept on the couch. I slept until I woke up at 2:10 because I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. I decided to brush my teeth but did not change into my pajamas because I thought oh well. I just left my clothes on. After that it took me a while to go back to sleep. I went to sleep at 4:43. And then I just slept and slept. I slept right through all three of my alarms. That’s why I was late today. I WOKE UP AT 9:15. So I didn’t shower. AT LEAST I HAVE CLEAN UNDERWEAR ON.”

Me: “Man! Oh .. I think that’s my phone ringing!” (runs off talking to imaginary person on headset).