My land is beautiful. Its beautifully wet in June and July. Mornings are pleasantly chilly, leaving me with all the choices of curling up under my favourite blanket, never bothering about the time, opening my unbelievably heavy eyelids just slightly so as to see the golden shards of light find their own way into my bedroom through my dark heavy curtains. I would curl tighter and take in a huge breath of all the mustiness, the old yet oh so refreshing smell of my blankets, my fluffy pillow yellowed with age. All these belongings, which very weirdly made me relax. Which made me feel like nothing could ever be better. I rolled around and glanced at my phone. 

*2 new messages* it said. I could already guess whom it might be from. 

"you do know I love you, dont you? Should I wait?" Read the first one.

And something hit me. That familiar pang. The familiar pang that makes me want to throw up each time it comes. That little something called guilt. 

I wondered again if I was the villain in my own story. And then as always, I stopped wondering. Ofcourse I was.

Shaan was an intelligent boy, I remember. Everyone liked him. The teachers, the staff, his friends, the whole class really. He was quite skinny for his age and looked good in my 8th grader eyes. He had a cute set of rabbit teeth up in the front. And a pair of beautiful eyes with them long lashes. Not exactly dream boat material, but very boyish and cute. I never had a thing for him really, in 8th grade. I was quite busy getting dressed up myself, wondering if anybody took notice of me and trying to top the class so desperately. 

2 years went in a jiffy. I started doing better in school. I started doing everything I could to make my parents proud. And then came the news. Shaan was looking over at our side of the class. The girls started frantically guessing and never did my name pop up. And truth be told, I knew it all along. I knew it from the way he chat me up in facebook and I knew it from those shy glances sent from the far corner of our classroom whenever a fight broke up between the boys. The urge to impress, may I say? I was more than overwhelmed. I felt something I never had in all my life. I loved throwing glances and I loved the fact that only we knew. My heart would race when the girls started with their guessing game. It seemed like a beautiful fairytale, this feeling... Knowing that you were in real life playing the roles of those breathtakingly beautiful actresses on TV.

But he is a muslim. My inner practical self said. Where did your Indian daughter senses run off to? And moreover you're only 15. No responsible kid would ruin their career in their 10th grade! Never.

And ofcourse I said yes the next day. From that day on it was beautiful. I felt things I thought never existed. I walked home with a BOY. I talked on phone with a boy. We shared letters and gifts. We chatted neverendingly, day and night but I somehow still found time to study. This may sound very strange to you, but this is still how it is in India. And my home especially, where having a boyfriend is considered, well lets say.. Plain stupid. Things were beautiful the first 3 months. Then the villain in me surfaced. 

I started finding fault in everything he did. I started blaming myself for everything stupid decision  I took. It felt horrible. And that was when he told me that I'd have to convert if I had to marry him. That hit me hard. There was a series of "Caps lock fights" through facebook. "You deserve someone better" cliche dialogues from me. " I dont want you if you dont want me" lines. And it finally ended. Or so I thought. 

He kept loving me. And I kept loving him. Deep down I know I'll never get someone as down to earth and as caring as him. Someone who thought the world of me. I always knew I could never forget the intensity of the feels I got each time he touched my hands. I admired how he kept loving me even though I was rock stern in not allowing him more than to just hold hands. I loved how he'd talk hours with me, giving away all the wonderful times he could have had with his friends. I never exactly understood how anyone could be as beautiful a person as he is but I just could not let it happen. Because admist all he did for me, deep down I just knew that there was someone who could love him just a bit more than I did, be thankful for those little treats and moments of pure happiness that he had to offer, just a bit more than I was. I felt horrible ofcourse, and guilty at the same time. Whenever we were supposed to be happy I constantly reminded myself of all the consequences I'd have to bear with if we were together. And truth be told, I realised the painful truth. I AM A COWARD. I couldnt risk anything. And I just knew that he deserved someone who never questioned herself about the future of the relationship. But all the more I loved him.

I had my friends through everything though I doubt they'd ever understand. I was never a person who was open with my feelings and hence its only natural I should have come off as a loveless log. But god forbid, I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and even though I'm quite positive he'll never believe this, I just wish someone as special as him finds someone else equally special, someone capable of rising up to all his expectations... Someone not me.

Shaan, you'll forever be my first love, and though you doubt it... You did all you could to save us. I wish our love had this bollywood ending. When real love wins... We get married off in an office and live our lives like mature responsible adults, totally in love. But somehow, the practical self in me tells me that is not for me. We're just 18 so this must be easily the toughest decision I've taken and the toughest situation you've been through. I wish I could just scream everything to you, to make you understand... But its too selfish of me to desire so. 

I wiped a tear from a  corner of my eyes and switched the phone off.

Man it sucks being the villain! 🙂