So it is and was his life, more like a roller coaster that he was tired of. They had been more downs than highs, and the worst part is that after climbing you have to go down. Rather, after each high, it has to fall.
He had fallen into so much for being only 25 years old and was sure that during all that time he had not learned anything, because the roller coaster was still working and on the horizon the end isn't visible yet. But constantly Brendon sat in the lonely room, on the bed with masculine cologne scent, to recall his past inside of his head, and maybe just maybe, doing this he might find something that will prove he had clearly learned something.
Always he began thinking about Ryan. The color of his eyes that had earlier seemed perfect, now seems monotonous, nothing great, special or perfect. Or the way his lips than previously he believed simulated a heart seems no more than common lips which were always came words that would eventually consume him more and more in that game that had become his life. Ryan, with his normal eyes and common lips, owned one of the most hypocritical smiles he had ever known. He had always been a liar.
They had met at school when Brendon moved to town. Ryan was the kind of guy who could be the champion or the loser depends how he wanted it, he modified himself, and he'll had thousands of masks that he used at his convenience. Such as the way in which he left his bangs falling over his eyes when he needed the world to stop spinning just for him, or how he combed in a Mohican when he wanted to be outgoing, flirting with girls even knowing that Brendon was taking him by the hand.
At first it just made Brendon feel bad with himself, because it was obviously that there must be something wrong with him, maybe it was not cool enough, or funny, or cute to Ryan, Ryan perhaps deserved someone better than him. So instead of getting angry with his boyfriend every time he discovered him cheating, Brendon was the one who ended up apologizing for never being enough.
Ryan liked to take Brendon's hand and whisper "I love you" in his ear, words that tickle the heart of the younger, making him feel dreamed like if that ugly town was Neverland, where Brendon never ever wanted to leave. *
It was funny the way in which Ryan posing as he was the girl in the relationship, he liked the details and always texted Brendon every night with a "Go to sleep, I'll still love you when you wake up" but the next morning, Ryan was another person, so different, shouting at the younger the worst things, like where brendon was wrong, and he liked to emphasize every imperfection to him until Bren started crying and apologizing.
Everyone knew that Ryan Ross wouldn't bring him anything good, that he was not good for him. Everyone except Brendon.
Like in the summer 9 year ago, when Brendon discovered him doing it with Emma Miller, in Ryan's room, in the same bed where Ryan had sworn that at the end of the day, he'll continue loving him.
Everyone in town heard what had happened, and Monday at school everyone kept talking about it.
-Did you hear that Brendon Urie discovered his boyfriend in bed with Emma?
-Poor guy, he seems so sweet...
-No, I think he's stupid, it was expected that sooner or later he'll discovered it.
That day it was Ryan who screamed horrible words that will pay expensive, he shouted him to go away, and that he was a nuisance. He shouted that he didn't want him unless to having him in bed, that it was time to him to know his place. And Brendon just cried.
He cried a lot of bitter tears and pieces of broken hearts. That night Ryan broke him too much and so strong that he begged for death.
That was the summer when Brendon left to dress smiles and short sleeve shirts, that was also the summer when his body was full of scars that the razor blade made.
Of course autumn came just weeks later and with it Ryan came to knock at the door with a bouquet of roses and that beautiful glow on his pretty eyes. And of course, Brendon cried and threw himself into his arms, and Ryan filled him with kisses and apologies and gifts. But Ryan ever tried to glue the broken pieces of Brendon's heart, only stomped some more.
That guy was one of the cruelest parts of his life, the way he treated him and made him feel. They met at 16 years old and broke up at 17, almost 18. A day later, Ryan was cheating at his new girlfriend. A year later, Brendon was still in love with him.
It's easy to understand, that boy had been his first love and first love is something hard to forget. It is assumed that your first kiss should be something beautiful and unique, because it must be that way; and your first time should be make love, not just sex.
Brendon had given all their firsts to Ryan, he'd given them in a box full of illusions that Ryan didn't care to crush. Ryan also gave many things to Brendon, but took many more: He took Brendon's first kiss that he deserved to be beautiful, he took his virginity, and took his happiness.
And he left many scars on his skin.
Spencer always said things done always are paid. At first Brendon prayed for it, but it never happened. No one ever returned the things that Ryan Ross had taken from him.
The next high in his life was Dallon Weekes, in university. He had blue eyes so blue and so deep that Brendon felt he would be lost on them to never return, and hell, he was so right.
Dallon was a football player in college team and had the record of being a heartbreaker. But everything changed when he met Brendon, that broken boy who seemed to hide all the sadness behind his eyes. Soon, Dallon leave everything else to try to fix Brendon, in his own words, because:
"You're perfect, Bren, do not let anything or anyone make you believe you’re not"
Dallon took him to eat hamburgers and made him smile without measure, managed to rebuild in just three months what Ryan did in nearly two years. He could fix with tape the mess that was his heart.
Brendon was to watch the games and Dallon always was happy to see him, greeted him from the field and everyone was dying of love for the happy couple.
Dallon not seemed to be anything that everyone said. He was not a womanizer, not a heartbreaker, nor an idiot that says in your face how stupid you are. Dallon always took care of Brendon to make him feel special, hugging and kissing him in the neck and singing him to sleep.
Some of the girls and some guys was too envious of Brendon, too envy of the way in which Dallon looked him, too much to be healthy. But there was someone who became too obsessed with the perfect couple of Brendon and Dallon, that what he did was re-break the pieces that Dallon had taken so long to fix.
To do it he had not to do more than spread an old video stored on his computer. It was the most selfish, evil, inhumane way to send Brendon to the bottom again.
The video lasted 5 minutes and its protagonist was Brendon. The camera was hidden so until then he did not know about the existence of that file. The entire school received it on their Facebook and Hotmail accounts, all college did, everyone, including Dallon. And when Brendon received it, it was too late. His eyes filled with tears and he closed the laptop, his heart feeling shattered.
The video showed Ryan giving him orders to stop crying and to not use teeth. The way in which he kissed Brendon, and Ryan's moans, so fucking dirty. Pulled his hair and forced him to open more his mouth. The video also showed Ryan demanding Brendon to turn around and put in 4, his voice so hoarse and vulgar, and so damn abusive. Only lasted five minutes, but those 5 minutes were enough to get back to destroy his life.
The worst part was not the murmurs at school, not the looks of disgust and aberration. The worst part was seeing Dallon kissing a girl when he arrived. It hurt because of the way in which Dallon looked at him, as if Brendon was dirty, and Brendon begged to let him give him an explanation. But Dallon felt cheated and would not listen. At least this time they both ended up hurt.
After that, Dallon and he never spoke again, the first one was not even able to see him in the hallway. Of course Weekes continued thinking that Brendon had cheated on him, feeling hurt and never let him try to explain what really happened.
One week and a month later, Dallon was going again to parties every night, to sleep with every hole that got in his way, drunk enough to not remember anything the next day. Dallon again used his old womanizing reputation, now he was with the cheerleader and everyone knew that he had two more girlfriends.
Spencer used to say that all the scars heal. But it never seemed to be true for Brendon.
He was still sitting on that bed that reeked of cheap cologne that anyone ever gave him, and as usual his mind was remembering every high and every low, every laugh and every cry. He could still put the cap of a pen on the cassette to return it all to the beginning. To the Ryan Ross' "I love you”s and the Dallon Weekes' kisses.
Back to the beginning just to remind himself that this was his life and had always been, that always a high brings a free fall, with the bad times and the few good he can remember. With Ryan and Dallon and all the scars they left on him.
Spencer used to say that the scars heal and those who make these pay. But Brendon still doubting it, and is backtracking on his steps with the hope of finding that he learned something after all these setbacks, after all these many attempts. But still doesn't find it.