Once upon a time in a land far, far away.... STOP. This is no fairytale. If you expect me to relay to you a nice romantic story where we all live happily ever after, this is not for you and you need to leave right now. Delve into a world full of lies and obsession, all in the name of 'love'. Lucy just cannot seem to find love but after that fateful first date with the handsome guy from her friends office. A side to her will be unleashed that she never knew she had. Follow this dark book with a comedic twist through out and follow Lucy's journey to who she really is, happy reading! 

It's not so often that I am whisked off my feet by a charming youn lad with a lot to say for himself and a cracking pair of nashers, yet today seems to be my day, go on Lucy you can do this! You see, I have never been one of those girls that seem to be able to cast a spell on a man and they will instantly fall in love with me. No, I like to consider myself the brain with a hint of beauty, depending on how much make up I can be bothered to slap across my face.  

Everybody comes to me for an intellectual conversation, rather than trying to flirt with me. Apparently I intimidate people, shocker. I mean I can hardly blame them but we won't get into that just yet. So how did I bag myself a date with this handsome man? Well, at the age of 25 years old my close friend Emily thought it's about time I started to date. I didn't realise I was running on other people's time but hey ho, worth a shot I guess. 

Emily mentioned that her colleague, Luke was recently single. I remember briefly brushing paths with him before on a night out on the town  but we didn't get a chance to speak. He is gorgeous, emerald green eyes, jet black hair styled perfectly with not a stray hair insight, a dark stubble, insanely white teeth and a lovely olive, tanned skintone. And he dresses sensationally, would it be wrong of me to want his wardrobe! And... even better, he can actually hold an intellectual conversation according to Emily. Could he be the one?!

Before I get too far into my thoughts I remember that I am the other person on this date. How the bloody hell am I going to not scare him off within a minute of sitting with me?! Time to call the mother. 

"Mum, listen... I need your help". Before I can even go onto finish my sentence I can hear a roar of laughter on the other end of the phone. "YOU, you need my help?! One of your other slaves not available today?". This was a normal conversation between the Wicked Witch of Essex and I. Ever since I was a child she has always been jealous, jealous of everything! Sorry Mother but it's not my fault you're 50 years old and going through a midlife crisis.  

Anyway, I continue... "So today is the day I finally go on a date. And before you ask, no we didn't meet on the internet. But what do I say? What do I do? Shall I be myself? Shall I go sexy or smart? I know you'll know what to do considering with the amount of relationships you've had, you'd need a mansion to fit them all in". Oops, couldn't help getting that in there. "Lucy, if you're going to get lippy with me then you might as well just go and ask one of your other minions, just don't be as much of a spoiled little, bratty bitch as you usually are and you'll be absolutely fine". Well that went well. 

My daughter, Lucy has always had a sarcastic, nasty tone to her. I could be sitting there minding my own business sorting out the house as per usual when she will start an argument over nothing. I know she doesn't mean to do it but she worries me sometimes, after all I wouldn't want her to do something that will end her life both literally and figuratively. 

So she wants help with this date of hers, fine. But I'm going to make her work for it first, that'll teach her. Why should I help her when all she does is expect everyone else in her life to sort her problems for her. It's a date for Christ sake, but maybe I should call her back. "Right, Lucy darling. I have had a think about your date. I just, I mean... are you sure this is a good idea?". Wrong thing to say... "Mother, I am 25 years old, I have lived in my own flat since I was 18 years old, no thanks to you. And I might as well have Miss Independant written across my forehead, I am perfectly capable of handling a date with a fine young lad. What's the problem?".    

Should have stopped there. "It's just, you have these terrible mood swings and if you're getting so worked up about a first date then what are you going to be like a few dates down the line? Remember how obsessed you were with Mitchell when he broke up with you. It took a lot of schoomzing on his parents to not take further action". 

By this point Lucy was livid. "At least I wasn't a scheming little whore like you at my age Mother! I loved him, of course I couldn't let go. What did you expect? That's so unfair to bring up, that was 3 years ago. I'm never asking you for advice again, you can just piss off now and go and live your miserable little life! Bye."

"But Luc...", too late I had already been hung up on. Shit, what have I done.