I lay on my mattress the sheets scrunched up in the corner, stearing at the ceiling, I begin to wonder how did I get here how did things end up this way. My heart flutters in my chest and I fear another painful long winded anxiety attack is coming on I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

The window is open and the room is filled with humid air. I feel sticky when I awake I must have drifted to sleep. I hear next doors dog barking and it echoes in my head. I reach for my phone and there are no missed calls, no new messages I start to think would anyone even notice if I was gone? I pull myself out of bed and stumble down stairs to the bathroom and begin to run the bath. As I sit on the side of the bath tub I place my head in my hands my curly blond hairs feels wirey and wet from sweat I contemplate having to wash it and just the thought exhaustes me. I turn off the taps and climb in.

A bath always makes me feel better but today a bath just doesn’t seem to be cutting it, I go to the fridge and pull out last nights half empty bottle of wine I don’t bother with the glass Ill drink straight from the bottle today. I sit on the chair scrolling through Netflix on my phone trying to find something half decent which I haven’t already binge watched three times over. I put on some rom com and sip my wine until the bottle is empty and then it’s round to the corner shop in my pyjamas to get another two bottles. I get looked at when I walk In the shop my matted blonde hair is tired up and I’m full of spots with no make up on and dressed in pyjamas, it’s only twenty past six in the evening and to be honest I couldn’t care what people thought of me.

I’m only 26 but as I catch my reflection in the window I look much older it saddens me. I know it’s because I’m drinking a lot and not taking care of my of myself but I can’t get out of this hole. I just can’t escape anymore I’m stuck. I rush around the store and walk home as quickly as I can. I sit in the chair And cry at the film I watch. I drink some more and then try to pull my very intoxicated self to bed but as I look up at the stair case it just won’t stay still long enough for my climb them. I eventually give up and lay on the sofa I don’t move the clean laundry my mum brought over I just lay on top of it and pass out.

I wake up bunched up on my small two seater sofa my back hurts and my freshly washed laundry is now all over the floor.

I feel ashamed yet again I didn’t make it to my bed. I’m a grown woman and I feel the need to beg my mum for help, and that’s when it hits me! Today I’m going to change! 

I think this asif it is going to be so easy, when really I know I have some serious issues. I pick up my diary and begin to work out when was my last soba day. It was almost two weeks ago and even on that day I still had two glasses of Rosè.

I know why I started drinking I was chucked out of my job shamefully upon which time my relationship with  Neil also broke down and ended. Now I just need to stop and face the music.

I haven’t thought about Neil in a couple of days although I’ve not been soba in days either I haven’t drunk texted him or called him. Neil hasn’t called or texted me either I at least thought he would check if I was okay but I obviously slipped his mind.

Neil made me happy for the most part, despite my paranoia and depression which turned him into monsters in my eyes at some moments in our relationship but that wasn’t his fault, I should of gotten help long before things got this bad.

I sit and read from all the old messages I have between me and Neil and as I go to text him my phone rings. It’s my mother and I sit there debating whether or not to answer the call eventually I do.

My mum goes off on some rant and I zone out until I hear “Jane Jane are you even listening” I return to reality and say of course mum I’m sorry. She asks how things are and if she could take me out for dinner, I agree and arrange to meet her at six the crown hotel.

It’s 3pm already I’ve only been awake an a hour and need to get ready to meet my mum and face the music. I go to the fridge to check for wine and it’s empty then I remember my promise to myself Jane now is the time to change!

I bathe and get dressed in smart black dress I use a tone of consealer to cover my mountain of spots and and straighten my messy blond curls. I look in the mirror and practice fake smiling it’s harder than I thought and I’m gasping for a cold glass of anything alcoholic. I shake my head smoothen out the creases in my dress and but on my favourite pair of red heals, I don’t take a jacket as it’s still sunny outside and must be in high twenties I don’t expect this evening to be much cooler.

I set off for the crown it’s a twenty or so minute walk down a country lane but it’s a quiet road and unlike the corner shop I don’t feel eyes burning into me as they stare.

The fresh air is doing me wonders and I actually feel ready to face my mother I look good and well groomed so she can’t have a dog at me about that.

I reach the walk up to the crown and there on the sun terrace sits my mother I can hear her cold loud cackle from the foot of the entrance but she isn’t alone she’s with an older gentleman who stares in my direction as mother waves over to me once she notices me and I’m confused who is he? Why has she brought a gentleman to dinner I know she isn’t seeing anyone and surely she would have said if she was planning to set me up with someone she would of insisted I visit the salon before hand.

I settle myself into the seat after kissing my mothers cheek and greeting her and then I glance over at the gentleman who appears very distant.