I held the admission ticket to the rock-n-roll event of the year in my seventeen-year-old sweaty palm. Every kid I knew wanted what I held in my hands: two floor seats to see the almighty British band, Flux, perform at the Boston Garden. The show had been sold out for months; getting tickets damn near impossible, but my foster parents, Ward and June a/k/a Bea and Davis Donovan knew people. They wanted to see me happy and got them as a surprise high school graduation and early birthday present. To say I was happy with their gift would be an understatement I was ready to explode out of my Walter Dyer moccasins and student Levi’s. If the Donovan’s only knew what they handed me they never would’ve bought the tickets.

    They’re good people. I kid when I call them June and Ward. I couldn’t have asked for two better people to come into my life. They tried very hard to be everything for me, but buying special gifts and baking chocolate chip cookies didn’t fix the destroyed part that was inside me.

    My heart.

    It lay broken and in tatters.

    The only thing keeping me glued together was my music and journal writings. I didn’t know what I wanted to be, or where I would end up after high school, and honestly, I didn’t care. The vast array of counselors I saw told the Donovan’s I needed time.

    I didn’t need time.

    My family was dead.

    A sleep-deprived trucker lost control and plowed into the family station wagon on I-95. The cops said my parents and little brother were killed instantly, and I hope that’s true. I should’ve been with them that Sunday morning but I had an English project due for school the next day so Hampton Beach had been out for me. Daddy said they’d be home early. We would go to Monte’s for supper then get ice cream sundaes at Chandler’s. I rushed through writing my English paper and waited.

    And waited.

    My family was my everything.

    They weren’t supposed to die.

    There was no one else in the Morgan family. Daddy always said it was us four against the world. Now it’s only me. I needed time like I needed a proverbial hole in my head? The state swooped in and took me away. They sold the house, the car and everything else that wasn’t bolted down. I have a vague recollection of someone telling me that once the bills were paid any left over money would be held in a trust account until I turned eighteen. I didn’t care about the money. What I wanted I couldn’t have.

    I hurt deep inside.

    I was so cold.

    It was numbing at first then it wrapped around me in a dark cloak. If I could’ve screamed I’d have told those do-gooders a thing or two, but I didn’t, it was moot. I knew what I wanted…craved it even, but it wasn’t going to happen. Nobody would ever be Jessie Morgan’s everything. Ever. Again.

    How naïve am I, huh?

    My best-friend was sick the night of the concert so I ended up taking her younger sister instead. She had to be home right afterwards - parental orders - I stayed behind and made my way to the back of the concert hall where the limos drove in and out. My timing was impeccable. A man named Gus came out and gave a bunch of us girls backstage passes. I was one of those girls, talk about being in seventh heaven. I was going to meet the band whose music pierced my scars, penetrated my soul, and warmed my cold heart. I met Flux’s bass player Derrick Tavish and the drummer Nick Sonning first. The singer, Chris Nickersen, sauntered in afterwards.

    And my heart stood still.

    It appeared that my everything, right then, was a slender, six-foot-four Incubus who sang and played guitar. (Leave it to me to get involved with a demon. Though in my defense, thousands of other females wanted him too.) The fact that Chris picked me over all those other girls clamoring for his attention, that this handsome man wanted me… made me feel special. How could I not let him into my world?

    I let him into my thoughts.

    He promised me the moon and stars.

    I believed him.

    I let him into my pants.

    There was no turning back after that. I never saw the Donovan’s again. Chris wanted to cure me of my pain, he said he could, and it’s working as my cracked heart appears to be healing. It took some doing but I was finally smiling and having fun. The Donovan’s would’ve been happy to know that.

    Chris rocked my world every night with his sensual, husky voice, amazing hands and his nine inches of pleasure. I learned to like Jack Daniels, as well as lines, mesc, pink hearts and ludes. I did everything he asked even creating a new name for myself, Stella Moon, because it was hip. I needed to stay in his world to remain content.

    But I wasn’t.

    Not really.

    Though, I would be. Halfway through the tour Chris and the guitarist, Glenn, had words. Chris told him to get the hell outta the band cause he was making them all look bad. Truth of it was the guitarist was hooked on smack and couldn’t perform. He left after management smoothed his ruffled feathers by giving him money and enough dope to keep him comatose for weeks. The band couldn’t cancel the tour due to financial obligations so they went on without him. They checked out other guitarists but none had that special magic that Chris wanted. Management couldn’t postpone any more shows so they brought in an up-n-coming guitarist from Memphis. Chris was cheesed off and took it out on me. I’d never seen a person so angry. He apologized later for the slaps saying he shouldn’t have gotten so mad over what management did. That the bloke they brought in was actually quite good even better than, “ha ha ha, ol whats-his-name”. Chris showered me with flowers, a jeweled ring, some coke then much sexual affection. I just wanted to fly away.

    Then I met him.

    James Roberts. A rock demi god steeped in coolness, swagger and sexual lusciousness. Nobody should look that good. I quivered at his deliciousness. When we were finally introduced and he looked into my eyes. I was a goner. That little boy smile with the hint of something else was only icing on the cake. I prayed for an angel to help me fly away and it was delivered. I guess I should’ve specified what kind as James didn’t appear to be a good angel, but appearances can be deceiving. Amongst the British band members James’ voice was a welcome change, a slow southern drawl sweet as dark molasses.

    Lord have mercy.

    I have no idea why I expected James to like me, perhaps because I liked him, I don’t know, but he didn’t. And it stung. I didn’t exist. It shouldn’t have bothered me as I had Chris but it did...a lot. I slept with Chris but wanted James in all ways possible and then some. Being around him, hearing his voice, his laugh, and seeing that impish grin, all sharp blades aimed straight at my heart. I tried to get his attention but to no avail. From the frosty glares and rude comments targeted in my direction it was apparent James didn’t like me. To hide the hurt I dished it back. Chris thought it was funny.

    It wasn’t.

    James could be my everything but he stayed away.

    Far, far away.

    The tour ended in L.A. and so did my time with Chris. Without a backwards glance he threw me outta the hotel room. I wasn’t going with him on the European leg of the tour. I should’ve been heartbroken but I wasn’t. I cried because of my own stupidity. I knew deep down I wasn’t his girlfriend, well not the kind people respect. I am the road whore even if I had only been with him. I wasn’t the type you bring home to momma. He needed his space and a new chick to play with, which apparently is a petite, perky, blue-eyed, brunette. It was time for me to leave.

    But I had no home.

    Barbie a/k/a Lisa Hutchinson came to my rescue. She was older, wiser and a helluva friend to me on the road, and now off the road too. She tried to warn me not to lose my heart. But when Chris whispered those sweet nothings in my ear I believed (foolishly) every word he said. Lesson learned.

    Trust no one.

    Lisa was another Flux casualty but unlike me she knew she wouldn’t be continuing on with the group. She knew the drill whereas I, the catastrophic train wreck, hadn’t a clue. Lisa grew up in a backwards little town on the outskirts of Bangor, Maine. She wanted fun and excitement. At sixteen she ran away from her crazy, abusive family, hitching a ride south then shacking up with a local musician on Revere Beach who took her virginity and showed her the way of the music world. She loved hanging with the musicians and they loved hanging with her, as apparently Lisa did this thing with her tongue that made men’s cocks hard and brought them to nirvana. Lisa got to know most of the local roadies and musicians that blew through town…intimately. This is how she hooked up with Nick, the drummer of Flux.

    I should’ve been appalled but after some of the sexual hijinks Chris and I did, well who am I to judge. Besides, I really liked Lisa, she was older than me: nineteen, blonde, brown-eyes, legs that went on for miles. She was quite the looker. Like me, Lisa was also traveler of both time and space and became a true friend, one that I so desperately needed. Thankfully I fit under her pink and white boa covered wings quite nicely.

    We shacked up.

    We decided not to go back east, well at least not yet. Los Angeles was sunny and beautiful while Boston was in the grips of a blizzard. L.A. loved us and we loved it. We ran wild, frequenting all the hot spots. I promised myself I wouldn’t sleep with anymore musicians but I couldn’t help it. When I danced in their world I had family. To be given the All Access badge of honor, to sit on the side of the stage, to have them smile at you while they sang or played guitar, to be the one they held at the end of the night as they shared their secrets to you. It’s there in that moment that I was home. And, if I became intimate with them, well it brought us closer and I enjoyed those moments. Pretending. Fantasizing. Escaping. I loved being loved.

    Time, it’s on our side, right?

    I realized soon enough it wasn’t on mine.

    A year and half on the West Coast and I found one day I desperately needed to go back East. The urge to see my family’s grave was overwhelming. Every day I felt my Daddy’s presence around me. And late at night I heard Mom’s soft crying in my left ear. Tormented, I blanketed myself with Southern Comfort and/or ludes, whatever worked to make them go away. My parents would be ashamed. Of course, if they hadn’t left me. Home. Alone.

    If they hadn’t left.

    Me.

    Dead.

    Lisa understood. I told her I’d come back to LA, I needed closure. Between us we scraped up enough cash from our waitressing jobs and flew me back towards the Atlantic. It was Spring. A time for new beginnings. When the wheels touched Logan Airport’s tarmac I used the barf bag then disembarked the plane in an orderly fashion. I had no baggage to collect which made me laugh because emotionally I exceeded the limits. The ginormous case I carried no one wanted, it just rode the baggage carousel around and around, twisting and turning but never being removed.

    Home.

    The tears started escaping when I took the escalator instead of the stairs. Going down fast. What’s that Daddy? I can’t hear you. The lump sitting in my throat hurt and I couldn’t breathe. Mom stop crying. I’ll be good. When I hit bottom I found a chair and tried to collect myself but it hurt and I had nothing to make it go away. I rubbed my long velvet sleeves across my wet face. When I looked up a little boy stood in front of me. I’m not sure where he came from but like me he was crying. He didn’t leave. He reached for my hand and I pulled away. He reached out again only this time I saw his sad eyes. I took his small hand.

    He said, “Are you lost?” 

    I couldn’t talk. Damn that lump. I shook my head yes.

    “I am too.”  Right then his parents came over making a fuss over him. They scooped him up and as they pulled him away from the scary hippy girl that was me he yelled out, “You’re parents are here too, they’re looking for you.”

    Are they, I wondered.

        After my meltdown in the airport I dried my tears and made my way to the MBTA’s subway station. From there it was just four outbound stops until I reached Wonderland, the last T stop in Revere. Yeah, that’s what Revere Beach was in late spring and summer, a wonder land. Especially the boulevard at night; music blasting outta the bars, the boardwalk crammed with people, the smell of salty air tinged with Hawaiian Tropic and pizza. I strolled past Biancci’s Pizza Palace and saw Giuseppe flipping dough high up in the air. A grin formed on my face. The old man tried to teach me how to do that once and I was a flop just like the dough I had tried to manipulate. I would never land a job making pizza but a slice of that heaven would stop the grumblings in my stomach right now but there was no time, maybe later. I licked my lips in anticipation then waved at the old man when he saw me watching. He smiled back.

    I meandered along the strip noticing in my absence that nothing had really changed. Kelly’s Roast Beef still had a long line of customers, finding a parking spot along the beach still an ordeal as evidenced by the standstill traffic and honking horns, and outside the Sand Bar and Lighthouse Lounge the cops were still ready to pounce on any biker who gave them lip.

    Welcome home buttercup.

    I made my way to Daffney’s Disco in hopes that Juli, Jules to her friends, was working tonight. I was hoping she’d fill me in on the gossip that went round after I disappeared with Flux. I’m sure her younger sister caught major flack from their parents as well as from the Donovan’s when I didn’t return with her the night of the concert. I felt bad about not going back home with her but c’mon it was Flux they were worth getting yelled at. Jules was supposed to go but had come down with the flu and volunteered Betty. Who knows what might’ve happened had she been with me instead? I chuckled. It would’ve remained the same but with one difference, Jules and I would’ve had a serious cat fight over Chris Nickersen.

    Pulling the heavy wooden door open I stepped inside the discothèque taking a moment to adjust to the assault on my senses:  darkness filled with flashing strobe lights and blaring music. While Donna Summer belted out about her last chance I maneuvered through the throng of sweaty, barely dressed customers searching for Jules. I found her in the back area of the bar wearing her prized five-inch silver platforms, straddling a man’s lap, while serving him a tequila shooter that sat nestled between her overly large silicone pillows (when the hell did she get those?). As she leaned into the man to give up her offerings I leaned in and tapped her shoulder. Juli’s head whipped around, and her flaming red hair slapped my cheek. When she saw me her eyes opened wide and her mouthed dropped open. I watched with great amusement at how fast she moved on her silver stilts towards me.

    “Oh my stars! Jess?”

    We squealed like pigs then hugged. I didn’t miss much about Massachusetts but I had missed Jules. She leaned back, smacked me in the arm then yelled at me.

    “Girl…What. The. Fuck. Where did ya go?”

    I smiled. “California.”

    “Do what?” she yelled waving her hands in the air.

    I pointed towards my ears and shrugged my shoulders. The noise level began reaching deafening heights as everybody began kung fu fighting. I leaned over close to her ear. “Can you take a breather?”  Jules grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd, stopping once to yell out to another girl that she was taking a break then continued to yank my arm until we were out behind the bar breathing in the nights’ salty air.

    A small spark and flash told me Jules was lighting up a cigarette. Such a nasty habit of hers; I had always found it repulsive but yet, give me some whacky tobacky and I can toke it up with the best of them. Under the back alley’s one dim light a wooden stool sat propped up against the building, Jules straddled the seat, stared at me with her big blue eyes then showed me that lopsided grin of hers that I knew and loved.

    “Girl…What have you gone and done to yourself? I hear tell you been shacked up with that group Flux since you disappeared without a trace. Truth or bullshit?”

     I quirked a smile. “You like to just get right into the down and dirty dontcha Jules?”

    “I’ve been waitin' for you to haul your ass back and give me the lowdown. You spill your guts to me right now, you hear?”

     “Spill? Kind of like you do now? I left here and you were flatter than Giuseppe’s pizza. When did you go and get those knockers? Holy Toledo J.”

    Tilting her head Jules breathed out smoke then wagged her finger at me. “Oh no ya don’t. Rock stars before titties girl. I gotta have the lowdown before I pitch a hissy fit.”

    “Jules really?”

    “Girl,” Jules drawled. “I'm fixin' to get bowed up if you don't start talkin', I mean right now.”

    “Watch it, your Southern’s coming out.”  I laughed as she scrunched up her face. Jules, a native of Podunk Hollow in Georgia and a transplant to Massachusetts, tried hard to get rid of her southern twang and verbal expressions but when she got her panties in a wad her southernisms came up quick and goosed you in the ass. “Ok. Ok. Don’t get up I wouldn’t want to be responsible for you breaking an ankle. What do you want to know?”

    “Everything. Betty told everyone you and her got separated at the show so she came home, but in secret she told me you planned on meeting the band. I heard, from a friend of a friend in the know, that you shacked up with Chris Nickersen for the remainder of the tour. So out with it and leave nothin' out. I want to hear about the sex then the drugs then the rock n roll. In that order.”

    I had to laugh. Only Jules would be so blunt. “Well…I’m not a virgin anymore.”

    “Ya don’t say. Keep spillin' girl, I want to hear it all.”

    I grinned. “What can I say? Chris is umm.”  What should I say? “He’s big and he ahhh.”  I sheepishly looked at my friend who sat smirking at me. “Don’t look at me like that.”

    “Girl. Ya gone and done it now. Ain’t no stopping those urges once you start.”

    “Urges?”  I chuckled softly. “I had urges everywhere and Chris…holy shit Jules. That man.”  I had to stop and close my eyes at the memories rushing forth; calloused hands finding intimate spots, lips traveling over skin, tongues flicking and licking, bodies embraced and clawing in desperate heated passion. I opened my eyes. “Chris is amazing…seriously amazing. I had no idea it could be like that.”

    “Everywhere huh?”

    “Jules!”  I rolled my eyes heavenward and shook my head. “I’m trying to say my sex life is kind of personal.”

    “No, my best-friend in the whole world, it isn’t. Is he hung? Are the rumors true about his penchant for kink? What did you think of oral?”

    The heat in my cheeks had nothing to do with my sexual memories. Dammit I was blushing and Jules didn’t care about my discomfort.  “Jules.”

    “C’mon. You know me, ever the whore. Spill it doll. Give me something. I told you all about my first time with that dude Jeff. And I know Chris couldn’t have possibly been like that slobbering idiot.”   

    I watched her light up another cigarette. “Uggh, fine.”  It felt so long ago but it really wasn’t, I closed my eyes then opened them. “He was gentle and delicious. I know what you’ve heard about his sexual appetite but he didn’t do that with me. Chris knew I was a virgin and took his sweet time, making me feel very special. I never knew sex could be like that. He was slow, deliberate in his moves, not rushing me. He wanted me to feel it all. The heat, the excitement, and the build-up…the way he touched me, and what he did with his fingers and his tongue. Honestly Jules I thought my body was going to explode. I didn’t even know what I wanted, I just wanted and needed. He wanted me to ask him for it, which was a laugh because I couldn’t string a coherent thought through my brain, let alone speak.” 

    I paused as the memory slammed into me; it had been wondrous and beautiful. “I never felt so alive. Everything Chris did was deliberate. He wanted me to remember my first time forever. I mean he could’ve just taken me and been done with it but he didn’t. I felt like an idiot I didn’t even know what an orgasm was.”  I looked over at my friend who was grinning larger than the Cheshire cat. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me about those?”  I shook my head as Jules choked-coughed on her smoke then burst out laughing.

    “Not funny Jules. Holy hell. I can’t even remember how many I had but he gave me quite a few chills and thrills and this was before we even…”  I shook my head and the clip holding my auburn hair fell out. I held it in my hand twisting at it. I peered over at Jules to find her sitting on the edge of her seat. I started in a whisper. “Yanno when he finally took me.”  Jules’ mouth was slightly opened, I had her attention. I grinned. “When he was inside me…he…he…he umm,” I closed my eyes and licked my lips.

    “What? What did he do?”

    “He didn’t slobber all over me like your Jeff did.”   I slapped my knee and hooted with laughter.

    “You’re a fuckin’ witch you know that. A damn fuckin’ witch.”

    “Well!  He didn’t.”  I giggled. “Though I have to say my first time, that experience, was something else.  Mmmm mmmm mmmm. Chris is amazing. He’s nine inches and thicker than a Snicker. Hell he should’ve ripped me apart but damn he made me so horny, I practically begged him to take me. It was ridiculous. If anyone is a witch it’s him. I’m telling ya Jules…couldn’t get enough of him. We did it everywhere.”

    “Everywhere?”

    I shook my head at her questioning look. “Everywhere: bathrooms, kitchens, hall closets, in the limo, movie theatre, even in a restaurant.”  I smiled at that memory - that one had been interesting - dessert had never tasted so good.

    “Why you’re a damn hussy, a tramp, a…”

    “Oh yeah, all that and more my friend. Once you’ve been with Chris. Hell, nobody even comes close. Trust me.”

    “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do what? Who else have you been with?”

    I laughed. “Sister…I have some stories to tell you, but they aren’t going to be now.”  I thumbed and nodded towards the door at the man who stood there glowering at Jules.

    “I’m coming. Jesus am I coming.”  She smirked at me. “You going to hang?”

    “Yeah, I’ll come in for a drink and stay to end of shift. Can I crash at your place?”  Jules linked her arm in mine and we walked back into the bar.

    “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

    I’d never been a fan of Kamikaze shots but free booze is free booze, and the shots kept coming compliments of the man at the end of the bar, according to the waitress who brought it to me. My cash flow was low so they were welcome. This could be a long couple of hours. I smiled and nodded at the guy. He grinned back. He isn’t bad, kinda cute actually. Any other time I might be interested but right now I was wiped from the seven hour flight. I’d play the game and take his name and number knowing I’d never call him. Even though I just arrived in Mass, Los Angeles was already calling me back. Too many memories here and I don’t want to remember. I’d do the grave tomorrow then hang with Jules – maybe she’d want to come out to L.A.? Hmm, I’ll have to ask her but right now I wondered if she’d give me the keys to her pad so I could go crash. The booze was helping me forget.

    I stood up from my perch at the bar and glanced around trying to see if I could spot my tall fiery-haired friend, instead I spotted my old boyfriend Danny on the dance floor. The pang in my heart for the old days hit me harder than I thought. He hadn’t changed a bit, just as adorable as ever. I picked up and shot the Kamikaze mixture straight down. It burned. And I became even more heated watching an old friend do the bump while she kissed Danny. Girl code alert. How dare she - that slut? I haven’t been gone that long. Jesus H. Christ!   I glowered at Danny, that rat bastard.  

    It was no secret that Michelle slept around, had been since she was fourteen. Jules lost her virginity at sixteen.  I was the only one who had held out. But none of what each girl got up to, mattered much to me. Jules and Michelle were my friends. They knew me BTA, before-the-accident. Friends forever, that’s what we said right before cutting our hands and sharing blood to become sisters. When my family di…left, Michelle and Jules stood on either side of me, holding me up. “Goddamn back-stabbing bitch.”

    “Easy girl.”

    I turned and looked into Jules eyes then pointed in their direction. “What the hell is that?”

    “That there are skanks of great proportions. When I heard tell what Michelle and him were doing, I went and done laid her up for you.  He’s just a pig’s ass!”

    I turned back staring at my ex-boyfriend and now ex-friend. The urge to go over and slap them both was great. Jules held my arm and yelled into my ear. “They aren’t worth it girl. Pay them no mind. You’re better than them.”

    “Look, I need to get outta here. You still in the same apartment by the beach?”

    “Yeah. Ya wanna meet me there?”

    “Think so. I can’t deal…I can’t deal with them right now.”  Michelle and Danny...I wasn’t prepared for that. “I need air. Can I have the keys?”  

    “Wait here. And do nothing. I gotta get the keys, and I have a little something for you that will help take that edge off too.”

    I smiled at Jules. I could always count on her to have my back. She moved in across the street from me when she was five. David, the jerk next door picked on her the moment he saw her. Making fun of the way she talked. It was mean and he made her cry. I shoved him into the bushes and threatened to kick him where boys don’t like to be kicked if he ever made her cry. David ran off and never bothered us again. Jules hugged me and asked if we were friends now. I said, ‘of course silly’. Jules is all I have left of the time BTA. I watched her saunter towards me, her fringed suede bag in her hands.  

    “Take this. Mary Jane and her papers are in the bag and something else. I’d give ya the keys to the pad but I have a new roomie and honestly I’m not so sure she’s alone. It might not go over so well if’n ya walk in on her.”   

    I took the bag. “Then I’m gonna hang on the beach. When you get out in a couple of hours I’ll meet ya across the street under the lamp.” 

    “Ok. Keep out of trouble, don’t get lost - you have my keys remember. Oh yeah, save me some juice will ya?”

    I smiled and waved back at her. Jules knew what I needed. I headed towards the door. The sooner I was out of this place and away from them, the better. I turned and saw them slow dancing. Damn those fuckers. I brushed my index finger against my nose and headed out the door and across the street.  I climbed over the waist-high cement wall and landed in the soft sand on the other side. I slipped my sandals off, carrying them as I made my way down into the darkness of the shores edge.

    Sitting down on the sand I opened up Jules’ bag. I smiled in the dark as my hand grasped a bottle. I didn’t even have to flick the Bic to know what was in it. I already knew - nectar of the gods – the one and only Jack Daniels. I cracked the seal, put the bottle to my mouth then felt the liquid fire slide down my throat. It was just what the doctor ordered. I gulped down another mouthful, shuddered then put the cap back on and shoved the bottle back in the bag. I found the smoke sitting in a baggie at the bottom. Fantastic! Jules already rolled me a fatty. I pawed through the bag looking for a lighter.  

    Score!  I sparked the joint up making sure to cover it with my hands so no one from the street could see me. I just wanted to be left alone. Last thing I needed was to be busted. I smoked half before putting it out and letting the effects wash over me. I drank some more rock star juice then lay down in the sand and looked up at the sky. Life sucked. There had to be more than this.

    I sat up, drank some more JD and thought about going back to the bar and kicking Michelle’s sorry ass but Jules was right it wasn’t going to do much, those two would still be together in the end. Good riddance to bad blood as my Mom always said. The bitch showed her true colors.  I stood up and walked to the water’s edge, the waves began licking my bare feet as I stared out into the inky blackness.  To my far left I could see Big Nahant and all her twinkling lights earmarking homes and the families who lived in them.

    Family.

    Ha!    

    If wishes and dreams could only bring back what I wanted. I sighed. Perhaps. Maybe someday. No!  I can’t let myself think of that, to have a husband, children – my own family. What if something happened…no!  No children ever. Maybe a husband, or at the very least, someone who could love someone like me.

    “Polo.”

    A whisper from out of the darkness, I cocked my head to the side. I knew that voice, but it was impossible. Daddy? I listened to the sloosh of the water and heard the waves break, much like my heart was now. Marco Polo was a game Daddy and I played whenever we went swimming. He usually won but sometimes he’d let me. Though, it didn’t matter, it was the fun of playing. Daddy could always make me laugh; he was like a big kid. Mom wasn’t much a swimmer, and Evan was little so she always sat on the sand and helped him build sand castles. We weren’t a perfect family but we were a...we were…ah um, we were one of those.

    “Marco,” I whispered back into the night air.

    Hot tears trickled down my cheeks. I didn’t bother to wipe them away, no sense, there’d just be more. My feet were buried in the sand, the water swirled against my calves. The tide was coming in fast. If I stood here long enough the water could take me--.

    “Polo.”

    The voice was sharp, clear. The sound came from the left, near the rocks. I looked all around me. It was just me on this lonely end of the beach. Daddy is that you? I moved further into the water and stopped when it hit my thighs.  I spoke to the warm night air.

    “Are you here Daddy? Why did you all leave me? You said you’d always be with me – it was just us four - remember? I don’t like being alone. I should be with you three. Do you know what Mrs. Donovan told me? She said…she said I was spared because I was special and destined for greater things. Great things Daddy!  But guess what? I’m not doing great things. I’m so lost.”  I raked my fingers through my hair then gripped some strands as I bent over at the waist and began to rock my body. I couldn’t stop the tears as I spoke.

    “Please tell mom not to cry. I hear her at night. She makes me so sad and I have to block her out. I have to take the blue pills Daddy. I don’t want to block you out either. I need…I need…”   I didn’t know what I needed anymore. My heart ached. I was a forgotten misfit. The world was full of fire and I was…nothing. I dropped my hands to my sides and looked to the left. Through the tears I could see a shadow. Daddy?  I smiled as I trudged through the water. “Marco?”

    I dove into the water and swam. No tears and voices under here just the sound of water burbling and gurgling, filling my head. Under here I could forget.

    I could pretend. (swim faster)

    I could believe. (swim farther)

    I could hope. (need air-breathe)

    I surfaced just in time for a large wave to slam into me knocking me over backwards. I tried to push up through the water, to surface, but this time I couldn’t. Those cute burbles were now sounds roaring inside my head. Arms flailing, feet kicking I tried to right myself but it had me. I was caught. The undertow pulled me. I fought. Why was I fighting? The rocks. I didn’t want to hit them but the more I tried to swim away, the more the current yanked me this and that way; the white caps covering me in their frothy foam blanket. Going under…again.

    Can’t breathe.

    Marco...

    Choking.

    Daddy!

    I surfaced and saw him between the rolling waves, his head popping up here and there through the surface. I could see his pale skin against the darkness of the water. His eyes bore into mine. I could almost see the multi-colors of his hazel eyes as he watched me.   

    “Marco,” I spat.

    Daddy was bobbing along in the fast current then I saw him swimming away; a blurry mist in the water. Daddy, don’t leave.  I swam after him. I pushed through the waves. I didn’t care that my arms and legs felt like lead. I needed to catch him. Why doesn’t he stop? Daddy please. I can’t keep up. I didn’t want to stop but I had too, my lungs were on fire. I needed to catch my breath. I began to do the dead man’s float like I was taught then realized I was away from the rocks and out of the undertow. The realization of what happened hit me hard. I made my way back to the shore, lay down in the sand and cried.

    Why?

    Heavy racking sobs filled me as I fisted my hands and beat at the sand. I didn’t understand. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to. Twice now I’ve cheated death. I grabbed a handful of sand and stood up throwing the sand into the wind. “Damn you. I’m not special. Come back.”  I fell to my knees, and began rocking back and forth.  It wasn’t fair. It. Just. Wasn’t. Fair. “I hate you.”   I grabbed more sand and threw it in the air. I was so angry. Why didn’t anyone understand? “I don’t hate you. I miss you. I miss you all.”

    Standing I made my way back up the beach. I needed to find the bag and get toasted. I needed to forget it all. God, why did I come back here? This place held nothing but sad memories. I began walking in the soft sand searching for Jules’ bag. I was wet and cold. So very cold. It took several walk arounds but I found the bag. I dropped into the softness and opened the bag. I guzzled half the bottle when I heard a voice behind me.

    “Hey hey hey. Save me some.” 

    I didn’t turn around I just held the bottle up for her to take it. My mind churning faster than the riptide which tried to kill me. I was freaked out and confused. I almost died out there. Did I want to die? Did I really see my father’s ghost? Shit, I had to be hallucinating, ghosts aren’t real. I pulled my knees to my chest, hugging them. I looked over at Jules and could barely make out her shape in the darkness.

    “You’re awful quiet. You ok, or baked?” 

    “Just thinking.”

    “Oh Lawd, that sounds serious. Girl, hand me my bag. I think we need to invite Mary to our convo.” 

    I handed her the bag and could hear her rummaging around. I leaned my head on my knee, watching Jules as she fired up the Bic and took a nice hefty toke of a joint. Her face aglow in an orangey-red light she winked as she held the smoke in. Pinching the joint she handed it to me. I shook my head no but she insisted by waving it at me. She scrunched up her face then covered her mouth. I grabbed the jay just in the nick of time as Jules chose right then to have a coughing fit. I s’pose when in Rome. I took a hit then held it out to her.

    “That’s some good shit right there, huh?”  She took the joint back. “My roomie has some great connections. Wait til we get back to the pad. I have some Malawi Gold, and girl this shit is so good it will have you seeing your ancestors’ ancestors.”  Jules laughed and took another long drag. I watched her watch me.

    “Well this stuff here was enough to make me see my dad.”   Jules exhaled then took a slug off the JD, motioning with her head to continue. “I was sitting here as we are right now and I heard my dad; heard him clear as a bell.” 

    As I remembered my throat seemed to close in upon itself and my eyes started to tear up. I felt Jules nudge my arm with the booze bottle. I reached over and greedily took a heavy chug off it then wiped my mouth with my wet sleeve. The lit joint was passed to me and I took a nice long toke with shaky hands. I handed it back and exhaled. “I was hallucinating right?”

    “Do you think you were?”

    "No. He was there Jules. I could see his face so clear and his eyes – they stared right at me. He saved me.”  I took a sip of JD then handed the bottle back to Jules.

    “Saved you. From what?”

     “Drowning.”

    Jack Daniels sprayed all over me as Jules spewed. She was half-choking as she sputtered. “What?”  

    I felt her hands splay over my back feeling the wetness of my shirt and hair. She flicked the Bic near me and I saw one of her eyebrows rise. She pursed her lips as she took me in.

     “I’m ok Jules.”

    Jules jumped up and shrieked, “You hear that Lawd!  She’s ok.”  After a moment she turned towards me and yelled, “Are you dumber than a box of rocks? What the…”  She growled then slapped my shoulder. “Girl you could’ve died out there and nobody would’ve ever known. What possessed you to take a midnight swim?”

    “Chill out. I’m ok. Shaken but ok. I heard my dad’s voice and I dunno… I’m out there swimming and I got caught in the riptide.”  I heard Jules slurping at the JD.  “I thought I was a goner cuz I couldn’t surface but eventually I did and that’s when I saw him.”  I paused as his face popped up in my memory. The spark from the lighter as Jules lit a cigarette dredged me back. “He began swimming away from me and I took after him. If I hadn’t I probably would be smashed against the rocks or carried out to sea.”    I glanced over at Jules. “I saw him. His face was as clear as yours.”

    “Well then…Thank you Daddy Morgan.”   She hugged me and I started crying again. “Now girl, stop with them waterworks?”

    “Can’t help it.” I sniffed and wiped the tears and my nose away with my sleeve. “I miss them all terribly. I hear them, my parents. They talk to me Jules, more and more lately it seems. Is that normal? I swear sometimes I think I belong in the nut house?”

    “Stop it you hear. You’re normal. You lost your family. It’s been what…aw shit Jess…I’m sorry. Has it really been five years?”

    I felt her arm around my shoulder. She gave me a big squeeze. She knew how many years. Jules knew and understood. “Tomorrow. Five years.”

    “You want me to go with you to the gravesite?  No, wait, scratch that. I am going with you.”

    “You don’t have to. I’ll be ok.”

    “Really? Really and truly? Cuz yanno...I hear there’s a creek over there…ferocious current too, you might get swept away.”

    I think the pot chose that moment to kick in because that comment made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants. It didn’t help that Jules was pretending to swim and mock drown. She always could make light of a dark situation. I daubed at my face again with the sleeve to remove the tears of laughter. It felt good to laugh.

    “You’re gonna spring a rib. You gotta stop laughing. Stop it now ya hear. You’ll pee you’re pants then what’ll you do? I know what I’ll do…I’m gonna sing. Jessie peed her pants. Jessie peed her pants.” 

    Jules giggles turned into laughter which caused her to snort laugh which made me laugh even harder. “Stop. Oh lord. My cheeks…my sides…”

    “On the count of three, we gotta stop. 1-2-3 STOP!” 

    We both stopped laughing. I wiped my face with my sleeves again then pressed my hands to sore cheeks.

    “So now listen up Jessie Morgan. I’m gonna go with you tomorrow. I need to make sure you don’t go creek swimming and…” 

    She dug into her bag and handed me a tissue. I held it up and said, “What’s this for?”

    “That there is why you need me with you. Someone has to be the tissue bearer because girl if you wipe your snots one more time on that sleeve it’s gonna get crunchy. Seriously, I do declare that is one nasty habit of yours.”   

    Jules sparked up a joint and through the hazy fireglow I could see her shit-eating grin. She chuckled then took a hit. I lightly punched her in the arm.

    “Don’t bogart it. It’s a nasty habit of yours.” 

    We both grinned then broke into fits of laughter, the peals of which could probably be heard at the other end of Revere beach and over into Nahant.