Letter To My Father, Happy Father’s Day


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A Letter To You

Happy Fathers Day . I’ve always hated Father’s Day. It’s a constant reminder of what I’ve never had. I always questioned myself and God , on what I did to deserve to not have a father. I can admit though, I was lucky enough though to have a “papa” who treated me like a daughter or grand daughter. He was such a blessing, I could almost always get what I wanted from him. He was there in my lowest moments, when I didn’t want to be here anymore and turned to self harm to try to ease the pains, I thought I just couldn’t deal with anymore. Yes, he called me “stupid” out of anger, but was there to explain why that choice was stupid. He explained to me how I was loved by many and how hurt he would be if something happened to me. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry other than when he and grandma told their story of how they lost their oldest son. For once in a long time, I felt I was loved and I deserved better . My life shattered October 17th 2015, my mom called me. I was at the laundry mat when she told me to hurry and come back to the house. I was so scared and kept asking what was wrong. My son and little cousin was there with her, and I began to think the worse, that something had happened to him. She just told me that she couldn’t tell me while I was driving. Freaking out, I left everything there my wallet (which was filled with money,because I had just gotten paid) my clothes, my phone, everything . My heart was racing so fast , I drove as fast as I could back to the house she was waiting for me outside on the porch . I pulled up, opened the door and she walked to me. My heart was beating out of my chest . She looked at me and said in a low voice, “Lay, Jimmy died.” I thought I didn’t hear her right, so I asked, “what do you mean, Jimmy who?”, while my eyes filled with tears. She then tried repeating herself before she started to cry as well. I swear, I let out the loudest scream I have ever let out in my life . How could someone’s life change in the matter of seconds . I couldn’t breathe, my chest was tight and the rest of the ride was a blur. My cousin’s gf raced to get us up the road, to be with the rest of the family. Have you ever had someone who cares enough to ask are you okay? Because I felt like in that moment no one cared enough to ask Lay if she was okay, because she wasn’t “biologically” his granddaughter and didn’t notice or care enough of how much this affected her life more and more each day. Stood there looking around seeing family hug and cry, asking each other, “Are you okay?” Lay just stood there and felt even worse even though she didn’t think it couldn’t get any worse, but most of all no one bothered to ask Lay if she was okay because she wasn’t “blood or biologically related.” I listen to grandma tell me that one of the last things my grandpa said was, “Lord, I’m not ready to go, but if it’s my time , I will.” Those words will never leave me. I then started to blame everything on God. How could you take him from me? Why would you do that? All I could think about was when I took my newborn son to see my grandma and grandpa a little after he was born. Grandma held him and was expressing how little and cute he was. I asked papa did he want to hold him, he td me that my som was too little and that he would hold him when he was bigger. My papa never got that chance, he passed before he was able to. Now, my son being 4 years old, I take him to papa’s grave. I am now also 6 months pregnant, this time to a little girl that he will never get to see . Now, Being 2018, I don’t have anyone to call and wish them a Happy Father’s Day . I’ve tried reaching out to you for my children’s sake. I wanted my children to get a chance and opportunity that I wasn’t able to get or have. This just shows you that BLOOD means NOTHING . You helped make me and bring me into this world, but haven’t given me an hour of your time in the 21 years that I have been on this earth, but a real man that I wasn’t biologically related to meant everything to me. I know you’re not going to read this or take the time to listen, but just know that I love you still. Have A Happy Fathers Day, I hope you’re living your best life.

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