I loved her.

By the gods I loved her.

I loved her when we met. We bumped shoulders at a busy train station. A train station I was waiting at all day, watching them go by. I turned to mutter my sorry, and was captivated, simply captivated by stormy blue eyes. She smiled and shook her head and went to go when I...grabbed her hand. 

When she turned, she was startled to say the least but who am I kidding. So was I. See, sometimes life works in funny ways. I was at the train station waiting on a train. Instead I waited and found...her.

I loved her when we met for coffee. Her blue eyes peeking up shyly through her lashes. We met at her favorite coffee shop, it would do for a nice memory, I mused. We laughed. We chatted. We flirted. Not only flirting with each other, but with a thought. A thought perhaps we could be together.

A realistic thought? Perhaps.

I loved her when we took a road trip to the mountains. Dangerous, no? Road tripping with someone you just met, but she was wild, and full of adventure. I liked that. Very much like a storm, she picked me up and took me along for the ride. Was it fun? 

I'd say so.

I loved her when I told her I loved her. The way her eyes lit up, the way she smiled, the way she said my name. 

The way she told me she loved me back.

I loved her when she'd wait up until the dead of night, waiting for me to get home. We'd go to where I'd prepared a picnic in her favorite park. When we'd go to all the places she'd loved, had been and never been. I loved making memories with her.

Because I loved the memories we made together.

I loved her. And she loved me.

But.

When she loved me, I was someone who grabbed her hand, showed her the world, and loved her indefinitely.

She didn't love me when I ripped her heart out of her chest.

She didn't love me when I left her, like a storm wreaking havoc on an oasis.

See, she didn't realize.

I wasn't waiting on a train to go somewhere. I was waiting so I could jump in front of it.

Cause frankly when you've been diagnosed with cancer, it's hard to find something to live for. So I lived for her. 

But... I love her.

So I don't want her to be sad when I leave.

She wasn't in my calculations my day. 

But her tears were never a calculation for me.

Neither was loving her.