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Waking up at 3:00pm with ten missed calls from my friends. “Oh no, not again” I say to myself. I’ve forgotten that I was meant to be at Jennys birthday party at this time. I quickly put on my make up Knowing that I’m late, then I straighten my hair and put on my clothes. Pfftt, I don’t like buses or trains I won’t be taking either of them. 

Finally getting out the house...

As I sit in the cab I can’t help but be on the phone to my friends eventhough I know the driver is probably super annoyed at how loud I’m laughing. I just can’t help it. 

Finally arrived at the party...

‘Ding dong’. The door opens and my friends are all there as I walk in but I chose to go the other way where there’s less humans ugh...

Let’s start to party!

I’m a drunk donkey again. I’m all over the place. Dancing, singing, laughing and just doing everything that all teenagers do.

I have to go home...

Standing outside my house as my mums calling me for the hundredth time. 

‘Knock knock’. My mum opens the door with tears in her eyes and asks, “where have you been? Do you even know what time it is? Why do you do this to me? Your just like your dad, I knew it”. I look at her and say nothing but silence as I walk past her. 

‘Ring Ring’

As I lay on my bed, I get a call from him. He’s my world, my happiness and so much more.

.......

“You make me sick, I’m disgusted” he says. At this moment I know he’s looking for an argument as usual. I let him humiliate me and bring me down. I show him no reaction.

 I’m waking up at 3:00pm again. Not shocking to me cause I was awake drowning in my thoughts till 9am. My eyes were wide open. I’m used to seeing missed calls in the morning from my friends cause I always run deep in my negative thoughts that I forget about what’s happening around me. I wake up trying to not panick cause I know they’ll have a go at me, but I can’t go out the house without make make up cause that’s my insecurity. I rush and straighten my hair cause I’m so self-conscious and it’s bad I know but there’s nothing that I can do but think negative about myself. 

Hold up...

My mums not here to drop me off so I guess I’ll have to take bus or train. But wait...

I can’t...

People scare me, people judge me, people make fun, people look at me for too long. It all scares me and I know I’ll have to face my fears if I take bus or train. Therefore I go for the easier option.

Taxi

I sit in the taxi and wonder if my friends will be upset at me, if I’ve let them down, if I’m a bad friend, if they’ll never talk to me or even let me in. 

‘Knock knock’ as my heart beats

The door opens and I hug my friend and apologise about 3 times and still feel like it’s not enough. 

Too many people in the room...

As I walk in, there’s too many girls and boys. Faces I know and faces I don’t know. It scares me. I panick and run upstairs until I’m not the centre of attention. I’ll go down when everyone’s just dancing and drunk. 

Vodka...

I have to drink, I know if I drink I’ll be calmed down and I’ll have more self-esteem. I drink...and drink...and drink... non stop cause I know I wanna forget my past, present and even future. 

Forget...

I need to forget what a useless person I am. I need to forget it how horrible I am to people. I need to forget that I’ve let everyone down. I even need to forget that I’m feeling down. I need to forget that there’s no place for me in this world and I need to forget that I want to die.

‘Ring Ring’

My boyfriend calls and shouts, but I let him. Why? Because I’m in love and attached. I don’t want to lose him because it makes me feel like every time he shouts it’s because he cares about me. 

Home time

I get home knowing I’ve ignored my mums calls because I don’t want her to be upset or even know how upset I am just in case it comes out of my drunken mouth. 

Mum.

As I go in she shouts at me and blames me for her tears and her pain. Even though it’s my dad that put her through so much shame.

It breaks my heart to see her cry. But the best thing I could do is just lie. 

Oh yes mum I’m just fine, I’m going to sleep eventhough I know I can’t sleep till nine.

Yes this is the story of my life. It’s not what it looks like...