Not even sure we’re to begin but right now doing this is going to be the only thing that keeps me from going insane.

I only ever wanted a happy family life a good job that can make me use my brain and also to balance out between family life just because I’m a mum doesn’t mean I can’t use my brain too.

I think sometimes when we have children or a demanding partner or job we seem to forget about ourselves and just middle through every day telling ourselves that we’re fine.but deep inside we’re not we’re actually so far away from being fine it’s unreal.

I’ve learned how to keep the straight face when our don’t show your emotions to others they use it as a weakness against you .

I just wish I could forget all these negative thoughts and get my life back in some order I can feel it slipping away from me. I thought the release of my boyfriend from prison would change the world and suddenly I Would be in a better place but that wasn’t the case .

In fact yeah there have been a few good days but most of the time has been one argument after another and it really is starting to drain me out now. I never thought I would be that person who is in a mentally stressful relationship why does it have to be like this am I in the wrong for wanting this to be a better life.

Maybe this is not something everyone wants to read but I really hope my story helps others who feel they are going  down this path or a family member is or maybe it’s you who has experienced this.

Talking to people is not always the easiest thing to do in fact it’s the hardest we hear so much on the news and social media saying how suicide ratings get higher and-higher. Maybe talking is good but not for everyone so I’m taking writing to the next level for my own addictions and worries. I feel during all this time I have lost myself I am not the happy joking person I used to be I am constantly sad and thinking about what I can do about it .

 Well I’m finally feeling like I am actually being used and treated like an idiot 

I’ve just walked out on my kids the lot this is it now I feel like nothing matters and not even me .

I used to be such a strong person now I’m scared to open my door and I’m walking out on my kids I’ve been walking for over an hour my hips are hurting so much I just feel like I want to die and how is this good for my kids. Everyone is right I can’t change him and no way am I going to get the confidence I need to change myself while I’m with him yeah I love him more than I have or will ever love any man  but I can’t keep being this idiot that gets walked alover why should I . I deserve more than this surely. I went back I had to I felt