Me as a girl, I am very well known. Nearly everyone knows me and likes me at school.
Well that's what I thought until just recently. On the holidays after term 1, no one talked to me as much. Instead of one of my friends saying, "hi !" I would be the one saying hi. When I did say hi, they just said hi back and left instead of at least TRYing to have a conversation with me. Yea it doesn't seem like such a big deal but for me it was. I was pretty much always happy until the holidays, so feeling hated wasn't easy at all being me. I was tired of everyone messing with me so I... i lied. I told all my friends through social media that I'm moving houses so I have to move schools. I just wanted to see if they would care and oh boy they really did care alright. I was astonished ! People wrote paragraphs for me over and over saying how much I mean to them and how much they are going to miss me. I loved it. Knowing that all those people I know actually care about me. I kept on going on with it because it seemed to be the only thing that made me happy. It was the first day back at school, everyone saw me and was so happy I didn't leave. I got so many big hugs that day. It was amazing and i was happy again.
It was the third day back and people started acting up. I didn't do anything to hurt anyone I swear! People just stoped realising me. I felt like I was in a bad dream and I couldn't wake up, that's until one of my closest friends Lily came up to me and asked if we could walk around the school and talk. So away we walked talking about life. All happy and blithely walking along, I thought to myself, ' nothing can ruin my day now!' Yea well that's what I thought. All of a sudden two of Lily's friends came up from behind me and shoved me out of the way and walked off with Lily. It was like I wasn't even there! I stood behind them in the hall and watched as they walked off. I thought that at least one of them would've turned around and noticed what had just happened but no! No one turned around and no one noticed me standing by myself. Not even Lily? Nope, not even Lily. Ever since that day my heart felt like it had been sunk. Shipwrecked, lost. I felt a massive wave of rejection, I was always sad. I was never happy anymore! I didn't feel like anyone was there for me anymore, not even my own family. About two weeks later people started noticing me sad at school. Mainly one of the staff members though, or a student in VCE. No one from my group of friends. I don't exactly remember who, but someone asked if I was ok and I just couldn't keep in my tears any longer. Anyone should know that feeling when your sad and then someone asks if your ok and you can't stop the tears from falling out.
When I walked away that day, the word 'regret' came to my head. It definitely meant something, I needed to talk to someone about it. So I decided to talk, I decided I would speak up. I trusted Lily the most so I sat down with her and started explaining how I was feeling. Half way through the talk, I felt a lift of relief. It actually felt pretty great getting it off my chest so I continued my rant. I finished telling Lily everything. I had a lot of positive feelings because Lily had always been like a sister to me. We told each other everything and we helped each other through the thick. We were closer than ever but I didn't have any expectations on what she would say back to me. I was kind of thinking that she would make me so happy that I wouldn't be sad anymore and everything would go back to normal. Guess what? I thought wrong. She was speechless! She didn't even understand half of what I explained. She had never been in such tough or horrific situations like mine. I tell her everything and she helps me through all my tough times but this seemed to be different. We left it there for the night, I was pretty much heartbroken at her reaction. I cried myself to sleep that night calling out to god to bring me joy or to least tell me what I did to deserve all that mess. I prayed that prayer every night and yet, I got nothing back every time.
From what happened that night, knowing that the only way I could get help was by talking to someone who had been through similar situations was pretty dreadful. I was clueless. I mean, how was I supposed to know who to speak to. It came to Friday, I go to youth group every Friday after school. Chris the youth leader walked past and asked me how I've been. All of a sudden it came to me! I needed to talk to Chris! He went through so much when he was younger, he was the only one that could help me. " *gasp* Chris I really need to talk to you!" I said, as I noticed what I needed to do. We sat down, he said "tell me everything please Sarah, I'm worried now." So I opened my mouth about to start talking but something stopped me. I couldn't say how I was feeling.. it absolutely killed me. I hated the fact that talking about what I needed to was so hard. I'm a great talker when it comes to everything else! I tried, I really tried to talk. "Chris, I'm havi....." I mumbled as I broke into tears. I ran out of the room and went to a quiet spot where no one else was. I don't know why but I just couldn't say it ! So I just cried and cried and cried.
I was lost. I was lost and I couldn't find who I was in life. I couldn't find where I was in life. It was all just to much. I cried out loud," I'm 12 years old for goodness sake. I don't need all this stress. Please god, take it away. Please god."
Life is a game and we were all born into it. I thought to myself "what's the point of playing along if we are all just gonna end up dying anyways ? I was gonna take my life because I forgot what it was like to be happy.